bigkahuna:

I wanted to talk sooner rather than later. The only reason I was willing to wait was because she works first shift, and she wouldn't get much sleep after whatever talk we had. Which is what happened. Control had nothing to do with it, honest.

And yeah, I know the anger will come. She was tricked and trapped, but had plenty of chances to say no. I get that. But you ever see a cat chasing a string? I'm finding out more and more about this guy. He's been doing this stuff likely his entire marriage. He's slick, he's good. But his run is over. I'm going to see to it.

As for dealing with the WW in the future, that's down the road, and we'll get to it. First things first.

And keep the OMW in your thoughts. She just found out this afternoon when we talked. She's got a rough ride ahead of her.

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09

A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.

No she wasn't

I'm thinking a little leaguer trying to get a hit off Nolan Ryan, okay?

Oh because if she would have known OM was married she would have respected the marital bond? Ummmmmm, dude, how did that work for YOUR marriage?

Clearly she had lots of respect for marriage

OM plays little league?

bigkahuna:

You have a point there. But if she knew he was married, he would have been a much less sympathetic figure and it might have given her pause. Again, maybe not I must admit. But it would certainly have changed the dynamic of things. How much, we'll never know.

I think she'd have been a lot more suspicious of his intentions and it never would have drifted into that territory in the first place.

Wishful thinking? Perhaps.

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09

A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.

Wishful thinking???

HELL YES

Do they allow you to have a driver's license? What with being blind and all!

All evidence to the contrary; I'm not just being an [censored] but the way you are thinking isn't going to help you.

bigkahuna:

All evidence to the contrary; I'm not just being an [censored]

Could have fooled me. Dude, how about a little less sarcasm and a little more information. I'm really not in the mood for this. And you have no idea what's going on here right now. You have partial information, okay?

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09

A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.

Ahead,

People cheat because they choose to lie. Lie to themselves and to those they love.

People cheat because they have weak boundaries. They allow a 3rd party to intrude on their marriage.

People cheat because they are selfish. They do what feels good at the moment without care and consideration of how their actions will affect others.

Understanding these reasons will protect your marriage and your WW.



People cheat because they are tricked or trapped.

Believing this is a reason will most definitely harm your marriage.


[b]No one wants to believe that their spouse cheated on them of their own free will ... but they did ![/b]

Aheadofcurve,

I am always in favor disclosure to anyone and everyone that can assist in the ending of an A. You have uncovered interesting information via disclosure to the OMW and you can use this information. It is important for your WW to know because then she will know that OM was lying to her. (The number of past As the OW had in our sych made my H realize that he was not near as special to OW as he thought he was).

However, I don't think this should be too big of a focus right now. As pointed out, your WW DECIDED to engage in an A for selfish reasons. Also, there is potential that OM will now contact WW looking to spin the information that has come out. If I remember reading your thread correctly, there has been NC for some weeks now. If so, you may want to talk to WW as soon as practical so she can avoid contact with OM.

Have you gotten as far as extraordinary precautions yet? If he tries to contact her, will she tell you? In my sych, everytime I compared info with OWH, it would generate a contact from the OW. It was SO frustrating because for three months, EVERY time OW wanted to talk to FWH, he said yes, rationalizing that it was to avoid a confrontation.

I am not sure if this helps. Be sure to keep your eyes and ears open.

AM

AHOC

WW's have an affair with married men all the time.

Marriage status of the OM has never stopped them from getting WW's to sleep with them.

Your WW is knocked for a loop and is now wobbly on her legs because she is faced with the fact that she gave her heart and body to a man that lied with only one goal. To get in her pants.

She is upset that she had to find out that the OM was just using her as a sex toy.

At this point in her fog she is not upset for being a WW. Only in her choice of OM.

In her fog your WW is still justifying her affair. She is unhappy that she got caught.

Vittoria:

Your post is correct in its entirety. All three reasons you stated are true and unassailable.

The tricked/trapped one.... she was lied to by a champion liar. I even believed what he had set the two times we met before the mess began.

I am willing to cut her a break to some degree because of that. That's what I mean. And I will protect her from whatever mud gets tossed her way from the OM. That falls under the catagory of "Nobody beats up my brother except me." The WW and I will deal with the things that need to be dealt with -- after I get done with the OM.

armymama:

I'm aware that she may be contacted by the OM. It's possible it's happened already. After sleeping on it last night (a whole two hours -- today's gonna be rough) I've decided that I better talk to her about it tonight and not wait until Saturday.

I'm going to have to get everything out in the open -- all the facts she has yet to reveal. I may be acting as defense counsel for her and prosecutor for him. Gotta know what the deal is so I don't get blindsided.

He's obviously a champion liar, and I need to have my ducks in a row. No matter how this turns out for the M, she's still the mother of my children and I feel the need to protect her as much as I can, not from the consequences of her folly, but other things that may arise.

However, if she lies to me from here on out, all bets are off.

Ears and eyes wide open. Count on it.

This is going to be an interesting week, dontcha think?


----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09

A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.

TheRoad:

I have no doubt that she feels stupid and used.

She should. She was.

Her fog has been starting to lift ever so slightly the past week. This may finish the job of blowing away the smoke. (Of course, it might not, too. We'll see.) How I handle things could be the final nail in the coffin of the A.

Also, she didn't get caught. She confessed. I had no clue what was going on, and probably wouldn't have figured it out. If I had discovered it on my own, there would have been no attempt at reconciliation -- she'd be wearing two bruises, one size 10 1/2 EEEE, the other from the concrete of the curb.


----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09

A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.

Ahead,

There will always be champion liars, manipulators and charmers around.
It will be impossible for you to protect your wife from these men. She may meet them at the grocery store, the hair salon or the post office.
It is unrealistic to think, IMHO, to believe that you can discipline these guys if they make manipulative advances to your wife.
You are blaming them when it will be your wife that is responsible for allowing these behaviours.

Yes, I blame the OW in my WH's affair but not to the extent that I will 'deal' with her.
One needs to deal with assuring NC, EP's and R.
One also needs to accept that our M's were vulnerable for our spouse to enter into an affair. Only after this is accepted, can we fix ourselves and our M.

It is difficult to look at ourselves, our WS's and our M and realize that were weaknesses, all of which contributed to the A. Outside forces are not the problem.

Good luck to you

Aheadofcurve,

I think you are doing all the right things.

Just one caution at this point. Don't expect all the details to come pouring out right now. Your WW may hold back quite a bit at this point or be evasive or in my case my WH still lied quite a bit. It was not until we really worked through the need for openess and honesty and he felt safe enough with my reactions for the entire truth to come pouring out.

Yup, a very interesting week. Stay calm like you have been and hang on tight for the bumps and dips. I am really routing for you.

AM

Vittoria:

Yes, the confidence men will always be there. Now she knows it too, and she knows her own personal weaknesses. She should know what she has to do, and what behaviors to avoid, to keep things from happening again.

I talk about "dealing" with her in the sense that right now there's an outside threat on top of handing the A. That takes first priority, because it's immediate. As for issues of the M, I have been dealing with my own weaknesses and LB's. In fact, she's told me she's amazed at the difference. I know what I was doing wrong, and it won't be happening anymore. Ever.

I left the gate open. In fact, I left the gate wide open. That's my fault. Her fault was the fact she chose to go through that gate. Steps taken to fix these have been dealt with in earlier posts, and those efforts are ongoing, and permanent. I just haven't mentioned them lately because they're old news.

armymama:

At this point, truths need to be told, not for my sake, but for hers. She's going to be under attack from the OM while he tries to cover his sorry butt. In fact, the attacks were already underway, preemptive strikes if you will for the entire length of the A. I won't be able to help her if she doesn't come clean. I have to be able to set the record straight. Remember, he'll deny everything, while she has confessed -- and there are witnesses that will back her up.

And my reputation for honesty will help her in this. I have credibility that could well trump anything the OM says.

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09

A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.

AOTC,

Understand that no one here wants to see you get run over by a mac truck. All BSs here have LIVED this and know just how whacked out a WS is and how desperate they get to try and downplay everything so they don't look like THAT much of a pathetic, low-life. Barely two weeks post D-day you were giving your WW a banner with an F on it. Considering she had just asked OM if he was willing to fight for her and she still continued trying to contact him, I'm not sure why you are so quick to give her that F. Wishful thinking? I think so. All BSs want to think their WS are being truthful after Dday and "get it." All of us want that.

Waywards will swear on a stack of bibles, their children heads, their mother's grave and anything else you would think one would find sacred, all the while lying their butts off. Some lie more than others but 99.99% all lie to some degree. The following thread is that of a BH who was very proactive and put a stop to his WW's affair pronto...exposed like a champ, dealt with the continued lying that he'd been warned was coming, and a polygraph. Just the idea of the polygraph had his WW revealing more than she had already sworn up and down to.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2166313&fpart=1

You say if WW lies to you one more time that all bets are off. I do hope she is honest with you AOTC, I do. But experience tells me otherwise. We have all thought the same as you at one time or another...just one more lie and I'm done and then BAM!

black raven:

Actually the F went up there briefly two weeks after NC was established. I took it down almost immediately because I realized it was too early in the game to call it a win.

The NC has been strong, and verifiable, and she's been doing everything I've requested her to do as far as conduct goes. She's still a little foggy, but I think she's less foggy than most at this early stage of NC.

We did the EN questionnaires, and both of us have paid extra attention to taking care of things. We both know that it's going to be a rough ride, and we're trying to ease the pain as much as possible.

Now some of that may come from the fact that, as far as I can tell, the OM dropped her like a hot potato as soon as she confessed to me about the A. Remember, she told me -- I didn't discover anything. I didn't do an immediate exposure because, quite frankly, I thought it would have driven her to him. I also thought he was divorced and assumed there wasn't anyone on his end to expose to. I won't go over that -- previous posts explain that.

I did an exposure to the OMW yesterday, my first opportunity since I discovered that he might not actually be divorced. I'm waiting on a call back from her right now to briefly discuss some information I've passed along to her.

He's gonna spin spin spin, and I want her version of things first. I have 95% of the information anyway, including things she doesn't know I know. I'm looking for little tidbits that can blow up his B.S., like where did she park her car when she was over there, etc.

This dude will lie like a trouper, and I want to have my ducks in a row. The OMW deserves to get some truth from this sorry sack. Besides, I've been wallowing in my own pain for so long, helping someone else out would be a nice change of pace.

Also, my WW and I have been doing so well this month, other than a couple of minor setbacks, that I'm encouraged that she'll 'fess up the few things left.

Yeah, yeah, a guy can dream, right?

But if she truly understands what's on the line in this stage of things, she will come clean on some lingering things, if nothing else, to confirm she's not a nutcase.

----
Me: BH (49)
Her: WW (47)
Sons: 23, 22
EA 3/07?-12/08
PA 6/07-10/08
D-Day 11/12/08
NC established 1/1/09

A good start to what could be a great '09.
Or not.