Here’s the story. I know I have some deep insecurity issues I need to deal with. These have led to intense forms of jealousy.

I have been married for 16 years. My wife is an ultra-friendly person and wears her heart on her sleeve – she’ll get emotionally open with just about anybody.

About 3 years ago, my wife’s family encountered a long-lost cousin who had been given up for adoption. He’s 40 now and married. I’m 38 and my wife is 37. Over the past 3 years my wife has started to get to know him better – mostly by e-mail but has increased dramatically by phone. I had met him only twice at a couple of BBQs.

Well over the past 3 months she has started to talk more and more about him. She says he understands her and they get along very well because they have the same personality. She says she feels secure in that relationship because she can be herself w/out judgment or condemnation. I started to get suspicious (and I’ll tell you why in a minute) so I checked her phone logs, text messages, and e-mails. They had almost daily phone contact and daily e-mail contact….w/out involving me in the picture.

The worst part is that he’s all that my wife has wished for in a man: she loves singing and he’s a musician for a Church, he loves God, he’s caring, understanding, friendly, funny, and loves to talk.

Now the background: In my opinion, having exclusive daily contact or relationship with another male when you’re married is inappropriate – unless he’s your brother or father of course. I don’t approve of it because they share their intimacy too deep (I’ve seen the e-mails asking him to call her to talk about how he’s feeling about certain situations, etc.). You can have a relationship w/a male relative, but nothing hidden or one-onone (my wife goes in the other room to talk to him or talks to him when I’m not around and doesn’t share what they talk about). Note: she does this w/her female friends too, but don’t understand why EVERY conversation has to be private.

Now here’s the REAL reason for my insecurities, and I hope most of you will relate/understand: about 9 years ago, she had and emotional affair with a co-worker of hers. This while she was going to church and I wasn’t a Christian. Well now, all the same little deceptions and white lies are springing back up. All the red flags are appearing. I’ve asked her to cut down on daily communication and she has done that from her cell phone but now she’s talking to him from our home phone for upto 45 minutes a day. She says she only talks to him 2 or 3 times a week, but I don’t know if she has e-mail communication as well on a daily basis. The worst part is that she’s hiding things from me in her words “to protect myself”. She came home from school early the other day and was home for at least 45 minutes (all on the phone with him) but she told me she had been home 15 minutes – blatant lie to my face. I’ve asked her to share what they talk about but she says it’s nothing and that they’re private matters – all innocent and about family and Church. Even after I talked to her and told her to be completely honest, she’s still bending the truth. I mentioned that she doesn’t have to talk to him that much – for 45 minutes, yet she says that it’s only for 10-15 sometimes and said “Besides, who has time to talk for 45 minutes”. She said she would not commit to timing her conversations – that she’s free to talk for whatever time she chooses. Yet, today I checked the phone records and she was on the phone w/him for almost an hour. When I walked in the home she was on the phone w/him and immediately dialed her grandmas number and told me she was on the phone w.her. She didn’t mention anything about talking to him. What did they talk about for 45 minutes if they had a Facebook chat session two days ago? I simply can’t understand. She says she needs friends, but from the phone records I see she hasn’t talked to her best friend in the last two days, but definitely w/this male cousin.
I don’t know what to do. I’s seeing a therapist to get deal w/my insecurities, but right now I don’t feel I can trust her if she’s doing things behind my back. I feel her relationship with this guy is more important than our marriage. Note: when the affair originally happened it was as a result of me not being there emotionally for her. I know I haven’t been totally there in the past couple of years, but I’ve tried. I think she has relationship attachment problems. Anybody dealt with a similar situation? She says I’m trying to micro-manage, but I just want to re-build the trust back up, but she’s not helping by going behind my back or stopping the communication to a minimal until we get our marriage straight. P.S. I’ve mentioned the concepts in this website (about meeting each other’s emotional needs and she’s totally against it!). Your feedback is greatly appreciated.

Hi PLNR,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, although I'm sorry about the circumstances that bring you here.

You are right to be concerned. The fact that this man is a cousin of your wife's is no barrier to a possible affair. There is a man on the Infidelity Forum here (named PSUBIKER) whose wife has run off with a cousin who is fifteen years older than her, to the disgust of her family. The fact that your wife is a Christian and her cousin is active in his church is no barrier, either - the infidelity rate in the church is exactly the same as in the secular world, plus your wife has a history of this.

Your insecurities are not the issue here. You have every reason to be insecure, and you are right - the kind of communication she is having is completely inappropriate. It is my opinion that is already having an emotional affair with this cousin.

Your wife is likely against the MB concepts that you've told her about because of that emotional affair - while she is under the thrall of an EA, she will not want to work on the marriage or want you to meet her emotional needs.

At this point, everything you've described solidly points to an Emotional Affair. I recommend you read up on the Coping with Infidelity section of this website - read about Plan A and Plan B. These are affair-busting strategies that work one after the other. If you like what you read, get the book Surviving An Affair, which goes into further detail. Another thing to consider is phone counseling with the MB staff, who are supposed to be very good.

This has been going on for some time, so you need to get busy. Plan A is counter-intuitive, but it will give you the best chance to recover your marriage. Part of it will include ending your own Love Busting and trying to meet your wife's emotional needs... but part of it will also entail exposing this affair to anyone who can help stop it - which will likely include her family. Although in my opinion you don't need any further info to recognize this is an affair, you will probably want to snoop on the details of her conversations - digital voice recorders, keyloggers on the PC, etc, because when you expose you will need details. (And do not ever warn them you are going to expose, because that will give them a chance to tell everyone you are a "crazy jealous nut".)

You will need to let her know that you do not approve of her talking to him, (although as you know you cannot stop her from doing so.)

Read, read, read. And I wouldn't spend too much time trying to deal with your insecurities - those insecurities are there for a reason. That is your subconscious recognizing the dangerous situation your marriage is in. Your insecurities are an appropriate reaction to your wife's relationship with this cousin.

Good luck, and get to work. You've got no time to lose.

Since you all like BBQ, let this old cowboy offer a more direct approach.

You talk to this fellow, politely and briefly, on the phone, and tell him you think he is spending too much time with your wife, so you want him to stop calling for a while.

You tell your wife, in a polite way, that you want her to stop talking to this cousin for a while - not forever, but not less, not taper off. Make it clear that YOU want that time with her, and offer to make it something she likes. Do it the right way.

If Cousin has a wife, and either of he or your wife don't want to do the right thing, then tell Mrs. Cousin how concerned you are, and let her bust up the party.

Install a keylogger on the 'puter. I can personally vouch for IAmBigBrother.Com.

RadioShack can help you with a recorder for the phone.

Get proof. Keep a copy in a safe place outside the home.

Expose.

Then, remain calm. Tell her you are protecting your marriage. Read up on the Infidelity section about Plans A and B, reverse psycho-babble, and the way to properly expose.