I have posted a couple of times in GQ without much responce....but that is ok. I decided to move here because I am in the middle of a D and thought maybe you all would be able to advice me since you too are either going through it or have gone through it.

Here is my sitch: Got the ILYNILWY back in 2007. We went to MC but my STBXH really did not participate. Nov 2007, he went out to dinner with some friends and came home with a hickey on his neck. He denied it up and down. Right before Christmas he moves out to "find himself" as he has been severly depressed all year. This is when I started to find recipes for OW. WHen I confronted him, he said they were just "friends" and begged to come home. So I let him back after him only be gone for 2 weeks. THe honeymoon period lasted for about 3 weeks and then a close friend of mine saw H and OW on Valentines day. He convinced me it was just a friend from work and not OW. Well, things spiraled quickly after that and in March 08 he moved out for good...still just to find himself so he could fix the M.

After he was out, he began to act very cruel towards me. I didnt find out that he was having an A until May, two days after I found out I had cancer. I moved away with our only child, a son9, into my brothers home for the summer. I needed emotional and physical support while trying to get better. I brought my son back to my home in Aug so he could start school. Me and STBXH where acting like great friends and I even thought we might R, until I found out he still had OW and was now living with her. THen the anger set in and I knew I had to cut him out of my life.

At the begining of Nov I went completely dark. My bro was the middle man and STBXH was contacting daily, sometime 2-3 times. I was all self justifaction and trying to explain to my bro how I was the bad guy and I was jeperdizing his visitation with our son. Um, I NEVER EVER changed when he could see our son, just said he could not come into my home anymore (previously he was coming into the house on his nights and weekend and forcing me to go someplace else).

Christmas and New Years come and STBX becomes even uglier and now motions are being filed by him and all of our mediation efforts are thrown out the window. I sigh and resign that we are just going to have to let the L handle it. So, I get myself a new L and talk about my case. Here is now where I am stuck....

While I was in NC, the rage I felt was going away. I was moving on and healing. My L told me I HAD to break NC because I had to look like a parent that was willing to work with the Ex. Otherwise it could hurt my custody case (STBXH has decided to fight me and try to get full custody of our son). Since I have broke NC, the anger is returning because STBXH sends me angry accusitory emails every couple of days. He is trying to force the house I live in into forclosure. He is playing games and it is ticking me off.....tried to hack into my email, sent our son a letter with a picture of son and me but cut me out of the picture, tried to walk into my house on his last visitation without notifying me he was here. I still have not seen him in person since Nov, but the emails and games are getting to me. NOw I have been asked by our son's IC for both of us to be at the next session together (and yes, the IC is fully aware of what is going on). What do I do? I feel trapped.

You need to tell your lawyer that it's time to get serious about enforcing certain physical boundaries. That you are willing to work with your STBXH as a coparent, but only within a strictly defined framework. You cannot be expected to allow the STBXH to enter your home at will or harass you into giving him his way on things. If your lawyer doesn't understand this, you should consider firing him and getting another.

Thank you Seabird for your reply. My L is fully aware and is trying to work out the best solution. Here is the delima I am in....STBXH (or as I like to cal him: O Enlightend One because he belives he has found peace and happiness - blecky!) spent all of our money with complete mismanagement of the funds (oh and OW as well). He was also demoted at his job, so now 85% of his salary is going to make the house payment and the bills. I am no longer allowing him to stay here his one weekend a month. I do, however, allow him to have his Wednesday night visits in the house....it allows me to go out and GAL. If I completely ban him from the house, he will pull his paycheck forcing me to pay a L to get temporary support oders in place, making it so that I can no longer afford the house payment and then the house goes into foreclosure.

We are trying to avoid that situation. L is in the process of filing a temporary custody agreement and a motion to have a restraining order placed on his upcoming bonus so that it sits in limbo until the D is final. That way he cant run off with it and spend it all, I will be able to get half. How did everyone here do the NC while going through the D? How long did the D take?

You probably have to go to the IC session. To not show up would be bad unless you truly felt physicially threatened, and I'm not hearing that. While in the IC session, remember that your goal is to appear grounded and centered and reasonable, and have the best interests of your child at heart.

As for contact with your H... Just because he writes you, doesn't mean you need to respond. Keep a record of EVERYTHING. Tape phone calls, and try to avoid those. Weed out the action item that affects your child and ignore all the insults, threats and insinuations. The nastiness will get worse if you ignore it, but once your H figures out you're not going to respond to his tactics, he'll soon change them. Anything that's a big deal should be handled by your lawyer. Just forward it on to your L and copy your H on the forward so he knows your lawyer has it.

In other words, you're not really in a pickle. Your STBX just wants you to feel like your in a pickle.

I didn't know you weren't under temp orders. I see that as kind of necessary. Without the protection of the courts, you can't really make him do anything.

What is GAL? Please don't tell me it stands for "Get All Liquored-up".

I can't really advise you on anything objectively. I think he was a turd for cheating, however... I have a hard time accepting that he pays for a house he doesn't live in.

How long it takes for your D to become final depends on your state laws, how heavy the court docket is for your county, and your willingness to agree to terms with your ex for a possible settlement. The only person who can accurately answer that question is your attorney.

get a life?

I would not allow h to be in house at all! ESPECIALLY if you aren't there! He can deal w/ the time with his child some other way.

If 85% of your husband's paycheck is needed to cover the house payment, you need to get the house on the market asap. I know that's not what you want to hear, but usually the courts won't order more than 50% of income as child support anyway. Plus, if your own salary won't cover the mortage, it won't cover being able to refinance it if you were to buy out your STBX.

That said, if he moved out, he doesn't get to move home for one weekend a month. That's ridiculous.

Without temp orders in place, she's in no place to dictate anything. If his name is on the house, and he's paying the note, he's free to come and go as he wishes.

Ding Ding Ding.....and we have a winner! Yes Cat, it stands for Get A Life.

I agree Cinders, I dont want him in the house or my life. Although, since his A started I dont seem to be getting anything I want anyway. I am kind of used to things going that way.

Seabird, yes I KNOW we have to sell the home. We tried last year but the sale we had fell through and then no offers. Pulled it from the market in Sept to wait for this Spring. Here is the thing...I have a chronic illness and have only been in remission from cancer for a little over a month. I have no income. 50% of his paycheck is for the house and then 35% goes to bills and then only crumbs are left to split between us. I have been advised by several L that I do NOT want to sell my home until the D is final. STBXH will be paying me alimony and if I sell the house and move into an apartment that I can afford it will cut my longterm support down by 2/3s. That will definately not be enough to live on...so, unfortunately, the house stays, or goes into foreclosure and hopeful the D is over quickly.

I orginially filed in July 07, but we did nothing with it since we were working it out in mediation. Well, now those plans and dollars have been thrown out the window and we pretty much are starting from scratch.

Seabird, you are also correct in that technically I can not force him out of the home. I did have the locks changed, but he can easily have a locksmith come as well. I dont want to get into a Jerry Springer type of fight and so have been accomidating for so very long.....it just ate at my soul. Instead of moving towards peace, I found myself consumed with rage. NC actually did wonders for me. I am hoping once the temporary orders are in place then he will not be allowed back into the home.

Thanks for your responces and support everyone.

idey - I don't think I suggested selling the house. I'm terribly sorry about the situation you are in and I think your STBXH's behavior is contemptible. Especially in the face of your illness.

I was just confused about what you were asking for. I'm glad that you understand that you can't make any demands without being under the jurisdiction of the courts. If anything, changing the locks to keep him out of a house that he has a legal right to, could look bad for you.

I don't have any comment on the alimony issue. I understand your situation with your income and your health issues, but the idea of alimony in this day and age touches a nerve with me.

Seabird, thanks for your understanding and kind words. I guess what I am trying to figure out is how to let go of the anger I carry around. NC was helping me so much and now I feel that tool has been yanked away from me. I guess I can just suck it up and realize that when the D is final, custody and finances will be outlined and I will not have to have contact with him hardly at all.

As the years pass, hopeful the anger will change into indifference. That is my goal. I dont want to be the bitter exW, yet that is how I feel at this moment. I made a committment for better or worse and he bolted when I got sick. We have been together for 20 years and he ran when I needed him the most. I think that I am still having a hard time grasping that the person I thought I knew is someone I no longer have any understanding of. The complete disappointment in his action pared with me facing my illness alone put me into such a hurt/hateful place. I do not want to live that way...it is not healthy. Maybe those who have been through it already can assure me that the anger goes away and that indifference does ascend at some point.

I felt a tremendous amount of anger toward my XW during my D and after. Much of it waned once the D was final, so that might help. A lot of what you are feeling might be tied up in the stress and worry about your financial and housing situation. Once that gets finalized, even if it's not entirely what you wanted, you might start to move forward a bit. That's what happened with me. There were still things that I was sore about, but I was also in a better position to negotiate some things I wanted, and let go of some things that I knew I'd never get.

My history isn't much like yours, but I'd hazard a guess that just getting the D finalized and having some closure will help quite a lot.

Aw, Seabird, you know how to give a girl hope. I read through your first thread and agree we are coming from very different places, but still have had to travel the path of rejection. It helps so much to see that you have been able to heal and hope that I will as well.

Can you tell I am at the begining of the legal journey? I got a letter from OEO's (my soon to be ExH) new L saying that I have no right to keep him from the home and I am acting like a horrible mother if I do not allow the in house visitation to occur. At first I was angry and upset, but then realized that this is their job....to bully us into doing what they want. I promptly forwarded it over to my L and figure this is what I pay him for. I guess the battle begins. I only hope for financial reasons that it is a short battle.

Yeah, forwarding the letter to your attorney was the right thing to do. I hope he then replied to your STBXH's attorney that all correspondence should be routed through him. There's no reason his lawyer should be talking to you at this point.

I started a better thread here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=150603&Number=2058245#Post2058245

Wow Seabird, you have been on quite a journey. It sounds like you have done a lot of self reflection and have come to a more positive, healthier place in your life. I can really relate to just wanting to cut the drama of the ex out of your life. Do they really think that it is going to effect us anymore? Personally, I am looking forward to calmer days.

Heard back from my L and he contacted OEO's (O Enlightend One)L. I will not be getting any of those kind of correspondences any more. That's a relief. I am now waiting to see if the bank account hits zero because I have a feeling OEO is going to try and starve me out. I sure hope I am wrong on this one. He did it to me once over the summer, and he keeps finding ways to spend the money so that the house payment doesnt get made. I cant imagine who in their right mind would think that letting your home get foreclosed is a good thing. NOt to mention the emtional impact it will have on our S9. Guess when you walk around with such an entitled mentallity, little things like doing what is best for your children doesnt seem to enter the picture.

Can't you start another account and move the money?

Hey Cat, thanks for the reply. Yes, it would seem sensible to have everything completely seperate, but because it requires sooo much of his salary to maintane the house, we have been doing things a bit differently. He has his account and I have my account. We transfer an allowance weekly into these accounts for our own personal spending. The rest of the funds are suppose to stay in the joint account to pay for the house and bills. NOw, mind you, he doesnt always play by these rules, but most of the time he does. My fear is that he will clean out the joint account and stop putting any money in there...forcing me to get an emergency maintenacne agreement. If this occurs, there is no way that I will be able to afford the house payment and therefore it WILL go into foreclosure. Its his credit, not mine that it will ruin. But still, it will cause my son a significant amount of trama.

The reason I dont go in and empty the account is because 1)I dont believe in playing dirty and 2) if he had no intention of wiping the account then I have just given him cause to stop the direct deposit and then that will force me into the emergency maintence agreement and blah blah blah....So, I am just sitting here and waiting day by day to see if the retainer fee for his L gets pulled from this account. God, I hate the drama that a D can cause. I am trying to minamize it as much as possible for my own sanity. Looking forward to when things get better. I'm still missing my complete dark days.......

Hey idey - Once again, the temp orders can protect you on this. It forces a static arrangement and requires him to maintain his financial obligations under a specific framework. Temp orders protect you. I think it's important to file on him ASAP.

Our case was originally filed in a different county. It is in the process of changing venues. Once that occurs, my new L will be filing the temporary motions. Still, the most I could hope for is 60% of his pay. I will cross that bridge when I come to it....thanks for the continued support Seabird. By the way, LOVE the pic on your facebook page. I find the water peaceful, yet fun. Cool boat!