Geez, I love you guys and gals. Being here for me yesterday and this morning... Speaking plainly and genuinely... You've helped so much. I was at one of my lowest points. In the basement low. I'm climbing out thanks to y'all and my H. (One step at a time, right Ace?)

There are some things I want to run past you -- get your expert insight. But later. I have this thing called a job that I have to do plus I have two highly anticipated lunch dates today -- one with my daughter, the other with my son. They are excited that I'm coming to their school to hang with them and their friends. They're at the ages where Mom is still cool so I gotta eat it up.

Ciao for now. And a big, huge, hug of (((((thanks))))).

L4, I have decided to post the response in your thread as i did not want to hijack flybabyamy's thread.

First of all. Great post.

believe it or not. You have already hurt him. Share what you have written above with your husband. I would have loved to hear that from my wife but she is thinking the same way as you are that she does not want to hurt me anymore than already did.



Nope. Atleast you are not hurting me. But what hurts me - not sure about your husband - is precisely that bottling up of your feelings. They may be selfish and inappropriate but by hinding them they are not becoming anymore "less". Isnt that what honest and open communication is all about ? Isnt that what got you BSs in trouble to begin with ?

That's what i thought too. There is nothing wrong in taking care of yourself first. Infact that may be a good thing. That's what caused you to stray to begin with, right ? And in the process taking care of your husband, that would be welcome too.

Pull up a chair.

Last Friday, we saw Gran Torino. (Wanted to see Slumlord Millionaire, Sh0cked, but it didn't work out.) At the end of the film I started crying. And I couldn't stop. H put his arm around me. Theater almost cleared. I couldn't stop. We walked up and I couldn't leave the theater because I was a mess. I couldn't put my finger on what it was, I just couldn't stop crying. (I often cry at Hallmark commercials, movies, and sad songs, but this was unusual for even me.) We walked to a nearby bar and while the sobbing stopped, the tears wouldn't. I was trying so hard to be fun and happy. Finally I asked H if we could go home, disappointed after all we'd done to have an official date night. He was sweet and said we could call it a night. He took the baby-sitter home and we just cuddled on the couch and watched late night TV.

Saturday was a decent day. Then H was triggered out of the blue during a TV show that evening and it got ugly. The name calling, doubts, anger, etc., that I mentioned earlier this week. Lots of tears on my part. Lots of disbelief and rage and disgust on his. He brought up things again and again, over and over and it was horrible. He told me he comforts me only because he hates seeing me sad, making it sound like he does it out of obligation. He left and went to bed. I fell asleep on the couch. At 1:30 I woke and went to our bed. H immediately cuddled into me, though I was feeling very unworthy of his attention and really didn't want to be near him. I pushed him away but he persisted. I finally collapsed in his arms, feeling like hell.

Sunday morning I got ready for church but kept breaking into tears. H came into our bedroom and while I tried to hide from him, he sat me down. I just spewed out everything about how hopeless I'm feeling. I told him that even though I said I'd never file D papers, I can see that he hurts so much around me that I'll do it for him so he can be happy. That I'm sorry my presence serves often as a reminder of how I've hurt him, that he deserves someone who has no baggage and can offer him a clean start, yada yada... I said I feel that he doesn't need me. He didn't disagree. He said he wants to protect me, but he couldn't tell me he loves me. He doesn't know what he wants. We ended up not going to church but talked and cried and had passionate SF. He said we should all go to a park. I didn't want to go with the family but he said he wanted me there. We had a nice afternoon and by nighttime I had emerged from my funk.

Monday I blew it. I read an email on his personal account on our home computer from the FOM's BW. I've had opportunities to read his email in the past and have always refrained. But for whatever reason, I wanted to read for myself what she thought of the apology letter H emailed to her for me a couple of months ago. I read it and felt immediately guilty for doing that. Heck, I felt guilty while reading it but didn't stop 'till I was done. I mean, for heaven's sake, I'm trying to get my H to trust me again! I finished Quicken, got up, and told my H what I had just done. He was upset. And for good reason. He said if I wanted to read anything between him and BW, I need only ask him. He eventually said it was fine and forgave me. But I could tell he was still justifiably irked. Shortly afterward I felt I needed to try to talk with H about some feelings I'm having regarding FOM, BW, H, and other stuff that's been building in me that I don't understand. I started sharing and then the conversation started turning. Pretty soon it was as if he was taking my words and emotions and using them against me. I was feeling little empathy and little support, more like I was stupid enough to bring this on myself and so I have to suck it up. I got to where I shut down with tears running down my face, and just listened to his stories of how foolish I am and how I've wronged him. He left and feeling empty, I stayed on the couch. An hour later, he came and begged me to come to bed. I didn't want to, but eventually did.

Tuesday was when I came here, lamenting why I'm doing this. And you helped me grab at my bootstraps and gear up again.

Tuesday night I went to my H, literally got on my knees, looked him in the eyes and repeated what I've already said several times but this time all at once. "I'm sorry for betraying you. I'm sorry for not trusting you. I'm sorry for making you feel like I don't care. I'm sorry for f-ing up. I apologize for not telling you about the FOM sooner. I'm sorry that you're sorry you married me. I'm sorry I can't take it all back. I'm sorry you're in pain. I'm sorry I've jeopardized our family. I'm sorry I've hurt BW and her family. I'm sorry you can't trust me. I'm sorry that you're hurting. I'm sorry I didn't believe in myself and in us. I'm sorry I risked your health with my PA. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry I broke my vow to you. I'm sorry you don't love me any more. I'm sorry for all I've done. I need you and will do whatever it takes to help you heal -- whether you decide to stay with me or not. I want you to be loved and cared for. I want to be the one to do that for you. But I will not put myself before you ever again so that's for you to decide. I will never ask for your forgiveness because I don't want you to give it because I ask. I want you to give it because you want to. I want you to be happy and healed as much as possible. Please let me know how I can help you do these things."

H said, "Thank you."

Later that night I told him that he can talk with me and I want to be a safe place for everything he thinks, wants, and feels, but he can't call me names any more. If he does, I may have to leave and/or call him on it. He said he's trying to be better about that and will do his best to control himself. So I've planted a boundary. Now I hope I can hold it.

Thursday we were both feeling better and had an impromptu "nooner" for lack of a better term. It was great.

We had a brief talk this afternoon where I shared with H a few things: Hopefully we can push each other to become fit again; how does he feel about my parents dropping by tomorrow when they're passing through town (H was okay with this); results from a recent doctor's appointment; and my desire to meet with Dr. H. H is skeptical about meeting with any therapist and even more so about doing it over the phone, but said he'd think about it. I've printed the doc's bio from the site here and will leave it on H's desk so he can learn more about Dr. H and his philosophies.

Overall H is being wonderful. Despite what I did and what he knows, he's being amazing. And H knows everything about my PAs -- everything. Every down and dirty item, including my most shameful acts. Stuff you folks and no one else (other than the FOMs) know about and hopefully never will. It's hard when he throws these things back at me. I need to be, want to be, and know I have to be radically honest. It's hard when my honesty becomes ammunition used to hurt me back. As you've all stated in one way or another, it's early, he's still hurting, and thus wants to hurt back (yes, Jim, I'm listening). I'm hoping what we're going through is laying a strong foundation for a better future therefore I'm trying to toughin' up for the long haul.

So my questions...

Any suggestions on how to encourage H to meet with Dr. H without making H feel like I'm nagging? That's a big LB for him.

How can I openly share how I'm feeling with H and not have it come back at me? Or are there things I just shouldn't share? I'm feeling myself wanting to hold back and I know, as Op1 has stated above, that this is a dangerous thing to do -- that I need to be open.

Looking4, You know, I think you are starting to get it...

The very thing that you are absolutely scared to death of is exactly what your husband needs to heal...

YOU MAKING YOURSELF VULNERABLE TO HIM!!!

You are asking HIM to comfort YOU, to protect YOU, to tell YOU that everything is going to be alright...

Your affair told him he was disposable. That you would be just fine without him...

Your fear at the possiblity of losing him, now tells him that you need him...

Which is exactly what he needs to heal.

Don't be afraid to allow him to see your vulnerability, to see that you NEED him.

Note: I said SEE not just hear it from you.

As far as having disclosures come back on you, you deal with that exactly as you deal with what caused the affair.

You set boundaries.

You tell your husband you will listen to his hurt and anger BUT only when presented in a CONSTRUCTIVE way i.e NO NAME CALLING.

At the FIRST inappropriate name you tell him that you love him and walk out of the room. DO NOT STAND THERE AND ALLOW HIM TO DO THAT!!!

You are A LOT like my wife and I do see some VERY positive signs in you. My wife said the EXACT SAME THINGS about not feeling like she was entitled to feel guilt, hurt, fear, shame, anger and all of the other things a FWW feels because of what she had done...

Those were the exact things I needed to see to know she was sincere and MEANT what she was saying.

Congratulations.

God bless.

Jim

Looking4, I wanted to take some time to think about how to get your husband to agree to counsel with Dr.Harley.

I thought about how I would feel if my wife had posed the same question to me.

I would at first worry that she thought I was somehow 'defective' and that she was wanting to 'fix me'...

THAT would NEVER fly...

What would have worked for me was for her to, of her own initiative, call Dr. Harley the FIRST time on her own. Tell him the way SHE saw our marriage and let him know that I would be calling him to tell him the way I saw our marriage.

Yes, it would be ONE extra session...that would very possibly open him up to counseling with you BECAUSE YOU TOOK THE INITIATIVE TO TRY TO REPAIR THE MARRIAGE.

The biggest advantage is that BOTH of you could speak your own minds without worrying about offending the other with your version of the marriage...

Dr. Harley could then hear the true feelings of each of you, without either of you holding anything back.

Good luck and God bless.

Jim

I just don't want to be weepy and mopey because as I've been told here, that is very unattractive. I am being open & honest, but I can't let the bad times and bad thoughts drag me down. However, I can't hold them in either because that goes against O&H. This is so hard -- wanting to be me and wanting to protect him. (Where's the easy button?!) Thank you for your encouraging words, Jim.

I told H this last week during a calm moment. He seemed to understand what I was saying.

I just submitted a request for an appointment. I'm planning on doing this on my own per your suggestion, Jim. Thank you.

My older sister who is dealing with hard emotional times herself sent me some money out of the blue to take care of whatever I need to have taken care of. (Touched me deeply.) I told my H about it and told him that after prayer and much thought, I want to use the funds for IC/MC. This hopefully removes any concerns H may have about it costing us financially.

Music. I feel that FOM has taken it away from me and I want help with getting back something that is very important to me.

What initially brought FOM and me together as friends years ago was work. What helped us be good friends was our love of music. I love everything from ABBA to AC/DC, Thompson Twins to Chris Tomlin, Fryderyk Chopin to Mary Chapin-Carpenter. (Okay, I can't do opera or gangsta rap, but just about anything else.) FOM and I bonded on cheesy rock music, our favorite singer-songerwriters, sharing undiscovered tunes, and analyzing base lines and lyrical threads.

Now, it's hard for me to listen to just about anything because everything seems to be a trigger. It's a song FOM and I shared. Or the bridge is something like FOM used to play for me. Or H loved the song before D-day and now he hates it. It's an artist H and I used to dance to in happier times. The lyrics speak to my betrayal, my H, my M, the FOM, the BW, past good times, current bad times... Even church and spiritual music is hard because FOM played in his church's band so we'd talk about what he was practicing or share favorite hymns.

Music is what gets me going. It is truly in my soul. It's something that bonds me with H too, and I can't imaging giving it up. But how do I reclaim it without the triggers? And do I share any of this with H? Music is huge for him too, and while I know I have to be O&H, I don't want H to question if I'm okay every time he picks up his guitar or every time a song comes on the radio.

H wasn't feeling well so in bed at 8:30 last night. I couldn't sleep so stayed up. Juno on 'till 1am. I fluctuated between snoozing on couch and working on computer. At 4am, H came down the stairs. I asked if he was okay and if I could get him something. He answered no. I coyly asked if he was missing me and worried about me. He answered no. Just wondering if you're IMing your lover.

Blind sided.

"No! You can come look," I begged. "Please see. I'm on MB. I'm watching TV. Please, I want to show you. I promise. I want you to trust me." H turned away and said he can't help but think when I'm on the computer that I'm up to no good since that's how much of my affair with FOM was conducted last spring. I shut it all down and went upstairs with H. He didn't say anything more to me.

H won't look at my computer. I give him access. I encourage him to. Heck, I ASK him to. He doesn't want to. He says it's none of his business and purposely avoids eye contact with the screen. How can I reassure him I'm not betraying him here if he won't even look at the proof?

I can't give up the computer. Job requires it. It's a means of communication with family, banks, friends, doctors, and my H. I understand it being a trigger for H, but this is the first he's ever said anything like this.

While it's not common any more, this isn't the first time since D-day that I've been up later then him, letting him get his rest. It is the first time though that he's said something about my computer use. This morning I apologized that I didn't think how him finding me bleary-eyed in front of a computer in the early morning hours might trigger him. His response was, "It's okay if you're talking with your boyfriend. Just please let me know about it." I looked him straight in the eyes and said there is no one else. There is only him. I choose him. If I ever feel anything inappropriate toward anyone other than him, he'll be the first and only to know. His respnse was that he'd appreciate that. He hugged me at my urging then walked away.

He's been gloomy since. Makes me sad.

Oh, and referring to my post above about music. I typed that and told myself to suck it up and turned on the radio. A song from Basia called "Time and Tide" came on (something I've never heard on this station). It's what was my theme song when H and I got back together after college:

"...nothing and no one can stop us now
for better for worse this time I'm sure it's gonna last
How can I stop my heart?
Love never knows when the time is right
don't want to hurt anybody
don't want to make them cry, don't want to make them cry
We've got time, oh baby..."

Talk about timing.

That's brilliant.

In fact, now that I read that I remember Harley counseling folks with reluctant spouses to enter into counseling alone with the Harleys. Then the counselor (Steve or Jennifer) sends word to the non-counseling spouse "Steve would like to talk with you, just to get YOUR perspective on where I am, how I'm doing, the direction things are going, etc."

The non-counseling spouse will usually agree to talk to Steve (or Jennifer) to help the one that's in counseling. And it blossoms from there.

L4, you are an amazing woman. You have SO earned my respect.
And then some.

Looking4, Great job on gettin the appointment with Dr. Harley!!!

The unexpected generous gift from your sister is not just a coincidence...

She sees that you are serious about working on your marriage and feels confident that the money is going for a VERY good cause...
YOUR MARRIAGE... it probably feels REALLY good to have her second your opinion!!!

The music thing...Boy, can I identify with you there. We had so many things that we like to do that the OM had also liked to do. So we had triggers out the 'ying-yang'...

What we finally decided to do was really what I had visited with you about forgiveness. You HAVE to forgive him AND yourself and see each other for the NEW people you are today. You must tell him this...

Once we had forgiven each other the triggers became less and less everyday.

We took back ALL of the things we liked to do. If you like something then DO IT. Your husband can deal with the triggers if he sees you truly happy WITH HIM!!!

If you don't what you are doing is saying to yourself and your husband "I refuse to forgive you OR myself for what we have done".

That applies to BOTH what you had done to yourself (with the OM) and the harm to your husband and the marriage that you had caused.

It ALSO applies to what your husband had failed to do in the marriage FOR YOU.

If you try to avoid all the triggers you will also be AVOIDING EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE THAT GIVES YOU PLEASURE.

TAKE THEM BACK AND ASSOCIATE ALL OF THOSE WONDERFUL THINGS WITH THE NEW YOU AND YOUR NEW HUSBAND!!!

By the way, that is EXACTLY what you were NOT doing when you 'couldn't sleep and decided to let your husband rest'.

How in the world did you think he would react to finding you on the computer at 4 a.m. AVOIDING HIM???

Ask yourself this question with all the honesty you can...

If during your affair your OM had gone to bed, where would you have been???

Thought so...

NOT on the computer til 4 a.m.....

You need to start resolving these issues so that you can feel good about your husband...

He knows this...

And so do you...

God bless.

Jim

When it comes to the affair, what do I have to forgive H for? It was all my fault.

Maybe this is part of it??? My H is taking little to no responsibility for what was happening in our marriage before D-day, including the many months (years) before I had my affair last spring. I am a believer that in order to truly forgive -- to grant genuine, heartfelt forgiveness, the "offender" needs to be accountable for and understand the offended's hurt. My H has apologized for not going to MC sooner, but that's really about it. Unless I've missed something. His actions show he realizes he needed to make changes, but when our marriage problems of the past come up, he blows it off, changes the subject, or has a very different perspective of events from what my memory is. But I haven't thought that I need to forgive my H for anytyhing. I've been told here not to worry about whose version of the past is correct.


I'm not surprised. When H stated what he did, it was a big ol' light over my head. DUH! But this is the first time he's mentioned this, which is why I haven't paid much attention in the past. While this isn't as common for us as much any more, it's not odd. We go to bed at the same time much more since D-day, but not every night. My H goes to bed at very sporadic times -- sometimes early at 9pm, but also sometimes at midnight. I'm usually between 10 and 11. And since the PA and even more so since my confession, I'm lucky if I manage even 6 hours of sleep. I wake several times during the night, am sometimes up for an hour or more. So occasionally I will get out of bed. I'll read, watch TV, or just sit in the livingroom in the dark.

I understand where you're going, Jim. And you're not wrong. I longed to talk to the FOM whenever and however I could. But OM was two hours ahead. So when he'd leave his IM or hang up the phone at 12midnight his time, I'd usually stay up longer answering emails or watching TV, avoiding my H until I was sure he'd be asleep or was at least too tired to want to do anything. I'm definitely more of a nightowl. H was also traveling a lot during my PA. Seriously, at least two if not three weeks per month. And I had some business travel during that time, too. So the extent of my late night computer use wasn't really known by H. He knows it happened. But he also knows it happened during the day, during working hours. In fact, FOM and I were together more during the day than at night and on weekends.

I feel great about my husband. He keeps me on my toes and I love him. How I feel about myself is a different story. But, golly gee, I promise I'm trying. Got my workout clothes on right now and come heck, high water, or hippos, I'm going to exercise today. I gotta do it. I'm just not sure yet if I have it in me to go with or without my iPod.

Thank you, Jim.

Looking4, Hippo's huh???

You have really EARNED a lot of respect on these boards for your accepting responsibility for your affair. Note I did not say you had to forgive your husband for anything to do with the affair...

Your husband must do what I had to do and that was accept responsibility for MY part of the marriage...

You are absolutely correct in that your husband had NOTHING to do with causing the affair HOWEVER he does have to accept his share of the responsibility for the condition of the marriage at the time of the affair.

I have a very strong feeling that you DO carry resentment and anger over his not accepting THAT PART of the problem...

THAT is the part you need to talk with him about and work through.

THAT is the part that he owes you an apology for...

THAT is why you are down on the computer at 4 a.m. ...

THAT is why you are having a tough time forgiving him...

It's tough to forgive someone that has not asked for it...

You must tell him this...

Because you will find it VERY tough to forgive yourself until you can forgive him for HIS part in this...

One note of caution...

DO NOT LET HIM FEEL LIKE HE WAS TO BLAME FOR THE AFFAIR!!!

Simply let him know what you were feeling at the time of the affair and let him know how much you appreciate the changes he is making. When he 'gets it' (his shortcomings during the marriage) he WILL apologize to you.

Sometimes it takes awhile to realize that you, too, made mistakes when you've just come out of a horrible wreck...

Let him see what you were feeling WITHOUT BLAME and let him show you he is different now.

He needs to be able to protect you and comfort you. Take a chance and see if he will catch you. He needs to see that you NEED him. My wife was determined NOT to let herself NEED anyone again.

I had to see that she did...

God bless.

Jim

Maybe this is part of it??? My H is taking little to no responsibility for what was happening in our marriage before D-day, including the many months (years) before I had my affair last spring. I am a believer that in order to truly forgive -- to grant genuine, heartfelt forgiveness, the "offender" needs to be accountable for and understand the offended's hurt. My H has apologized for not going to MC sooner, but that's really about it. Unless I've missed something. His actions show he realizes he needed to make changes, but when our marriage problems of the past come up, he blows it off, changes the subject, or has a very different perspective of events from what my memory is.


[/quote]

Hey L4

I believe this is where I was coming from before, if you remember when I spoke about your H being 'stuck' in this grieving process of A's. JF and yourself just seemed to spell it out better and it seems even more clear to me now.

The previous name-calling and now 'knife-jabbings' are, IMOH, symptoms of him being stuck with the acceptance phase, not of the affair but of his contribution to a weak M. Honestly, this is to help your H, not make him feel worse.

I can see how I would have behaved exactly how your H is now if I had not dug down deep to look at myself.

I started by taking situations from years ago, that were hurtful to me by my H.
They included independent behaviours, no POJA's and many selfish demands.
These all resulted in my long term resentment for which I did nothing to fix my feelings or the M. I became an unaffectionate and unloving wife, although we got on fine with everyday tasks and social events, we were more like brother and sister.

Recognizing all of this about myself was very difficult because I wanted to blame him for everything. Only after that was I able to change my behaviours and accept my part in a weak M. This allowed me to attempt recovery with respect for my H.

As far as self awareness regarding bad behaviors, I'm not sure if men find this more difficult than women. My FWH is having a hard time right now, not really wanting to accept the reasons for his own bad actions. It's tough to look at ourselves and actually believe it.

I can't advise you but I hope what I have learned about myself can help you understand what 'maybe' your husband is facing.
You are doing wonderful in my opinion. I wish you could bottle it and send some my way to sprinkle on my WH


Take care and keep pluggin'

I beat back dem hippos.

And you inspired me, Jim. I got on the treadmill, put on the iPod, hit shuffle, and took what came. First time in probably three months. And I'm so glad. I happened on one of my favorite songs, you know... One of those that makes you want to just belt it out with a smile on your face? "Father Sun" by Wynonna Judd. She rocks.

It was good.

Hey L4
I've been waiting for some of that sprinkle.

Just wondered how you guys were doing?

Take care

Geez, how I wish it was magic -- something a wand could just take care of. Goodness knows I'm no magician. Thanks for checking in.

Had a tough time Tuesday night and yesterday. On another thread iam said something that really hurt me. And it got me to questioning what I'm doing. Am I just fooling myself? Does this iam stranger see something in my words that's the real me? Despite all the soul-searching, introspection, counseling, changing, apologizing, discovering, trying, praying, communicating, honesty, sharing... I will forever be 'that woman who cheated'. It smacked me really hard to see that someone who doesn't even know me has no qualms dismissing me because of my mistakes. Hard. Add to it my son who is a really good kid threw a lot of direspect my way that evening and I was reeling inside. I shared with my H. And while he was sorry I was hurt, he didn't comfort me much. So I was left feeling much doubt about what I'm doing in my M, in my personal recovery, and here on MB.

So I stayed away yesterday. I read a few threads, but felt that I don't belong here. Who am I to comment or to joke or to think my opinions or experiences have any relevance to others?

I'm back for now because I need y'all. I'll just participate with more caution. Keep here on my thread and the lighter ones and let the BSs and vets pull the others through. I'll glean the great advice from other posts and stay on my own course. At least for now.

look4
"I will forever be 'that woman who cheated"

Yes you will. Your affair never can be undone.

Though you still can become a FWW. Have a good marriage, better than the pre affair marriage, and be a better wife and mom. You will have to let the past go, not forget it, let it go.

"It smacked me really hard to see that someone who doesn't even know me has no qualms dismissing me because of my mistakes."

Consider the source. Some BS's are in lash out mode. Some FWW's really lay it into the new WW's. Though who is better than a recovered FWW to tell it how it is to a WW?

Add to it my son who is a really good kid threw a lot of disrespect my way that evening"

Why and how was your son disrespectful?

Does S know about the affair?

"I shared with my H. And while he was sorry I was hurt, he didn't comfort me much."

More important then comforting you your BH should make sure that your son is respectful to his mother. I say this not knowing what went on between you and your son.
You could of used this to simply state as to how you need him to handle S, and for him to know that you are willing to help him.

"I'm back for now because I need y'all. I'll just participate with more caution. Keep here on my thread and the lighter ones and let the BSs and vets pull the others through. I'll glean the great advice from other posts and stay on my own course. At least for now. "

Right or wrong leaving here you won't get help.

Right or wrong you have to get a thick skin.

Maybe you can leave the computer on to the JFO or general thread so your BH can "stumble" onto MB? He needs a place to vent at a minimum.

WHOA GIRL!!!

WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING???

REMEMBER WHAT I TOLD YOU ABOUT ONE SIZE DOES NOT FIT ALL AND TO USE ONLY WHAT ADVICE APPLIED IN YOUR SITUATION!!!

iam was voicing his opinion only. If it doesn't apply in your situation, WHY ARE YOU DOING TAKING IT SO SERIOUSLY???

There are a whole lot of folks, me included, that think you are doing fantastic!!!

USE ONLY WHAT MAKES SENSE TO YOU!!!

Remember the mantra that the successful use here, "It's a marathon not a sprint."

If you have read my thread you know it can take some time to be successful.

I am wondering why in the world you don't IMPLEMENT what I am telling you?

Why are you not BEING the NEW person I have urged you to be?

You tried a little dab with the music AND HAD A BLAST!!!

What do you think will happen if you BECOME that person?

Yep, somebody is going to fall in love with you all over again...

Go ahead, ask me how I know

God bless.

Jim

As has been said - consider the source. Some of the betrayed spouses here have a knee-jerk reaction. To the waywards,they say "you're forever damned and you ruined everything, you're worthless scum". To the betrayeds, they say "kick your spouse to the curb, they'll never change, it's who they are". There is a LOT of pain on these boards and it occasionally manifests itself as hostility.

Will you forever be "that woman who cheated"? Well, that will never be erased, no. But it need not be one of your defining characteristics forever, either. You are now "that woman who cheated and is trying her best to make it right". One day you will be "that woman who cheated and learned some very painful, but important lessons as a result". Then you'll be "that amazing woman, with so much insight and wisdom - but she earned it". Then you'll be "that amazing woman". If that's who you choose to be (and I know it is).

Hugs to you.