Nice work WithinU!

Clearly the MIL / FIL and BIL are putting or will put pressure on your WW.

And *fists* to you for not allowing WW to furnish her love shack with your furniture!

Reality is slapping your WW in the face and you have done great work exposing her A. When the A comes in to the light of day it isn't fun / exciting for the WW / OM any more.

Keep depositing those ENs. You can be sure the OM has no clue about ENs and will soon be making withdrawls from her love bank

Be strong, gather support from family exposure and hold your ground. Be calm, cool, collected and prove to her by your actions that you can change for the better, provide for your children and create a healthy, inviting home.

Strength my friend, strength!

Update:

This is somewhat of a confession for me, not that I need to tell a bunch of strangers what's wrong with me.

I have been having some serious mood swings lately, I go from one extreme to another, one minute I tear up and bawl, at the drop of a hat, then the next minute, I am full of anger.
So much so, I am having trouble controlling them.

I tend to be very short with my daughters, they do not deserve such a crazy dad. All the while this anger sets in, I start bawling.

I am currently taking Wellbutrin XL, and not sure it's doing the job.

I am so ashamed for failing at this marriage it is so overwhelming, I have alot of issues that contributed to it, that she never knew, and am ashamed to even tell her.

Any advice.......

Yup. Start being O&H with her. Go ahead and write a letter detailing all the things you feel you should be accountable for. That you're tired of withholding (this is called "lying by omission"). Regardless of how you think she'll react, she's still your wife and she has a right to know everything about you.

Seal the letter with an explanation of what it is so that she doesn't open it up ignorant and then suddenly bombarded with additional information. Give her the opportunity to decide if she wants to lean these things about you now.

You might be discovering some insight about how your own behaviors have contributed to her seeking need fulfillment outside of the marriage.

Until you can practice radical honesty with her, you guys don't stand a snowball's chance in he11.

Great advice Seabird!

I'm feeling the same about "lying by omission" with some issues. I've been watching my WW and waiting for the proper moment. The right time to open up to her and share more. Don't think she is ready just yet. We just aren't ready for radicall honesty just yet. I believe my WW is still in the final stages of withdrawl. Time.

And I haer you WithinU about the mood swings. Inside I'm up and down daily. Outside I'm calm, cool and collected (at least I try to be that way). It's one of my greatest weaknesses and possibly a strenght -- being able to hide my emotions. I get upset and I get quiet, introverted and think about things.

Hang in there, and be strong for your children!

I have been working on plan A or a version of, for a month.
I am seriously thinking of moving on to Plan B.

I only get the cold shoulder from my W, and the only time I can really get her to come to the house, is if she needs to pick something up for her apartment.

I just don't feel as if we are getting back together, at least not the feeling i get from her. Weird she still wants to go to counseling, weird she wants to do that, but not come down and hang out with us, evidently her new apartment is more important, than us.

Advice? Any cheerleaders on today??


Need some conversation, I love my daughters but I am needing an adult to converse with.


Hmmm maybe I am getting what I gave...... hind sight.......

Hang in there withinU! ** he puts the cheerleading skirt on...hmmm, kind of kinky...ah, strike that **

It's only been a month of Plan A. Me too. As guys we feel like we need to fix things...and fix them now. Be patient and give this time. Keep massive dumps of ENs in to her love bank. Keep doing what you are doing...give it time to sink in.

And give your in-laws time to work on WW from the other side of things. Keep exposing, layer by layer. Do her friends know? Co-workers? Siblings? Who else can help you end this affair?

You are being a strong man for your WW and your children. Keep that up. Plan A has been great for me to show my wife and my kids that I can be a GREAT dad and hubby.

And deep down in my heart I know that if my marriage does not work out, I will have learned valuable lessons from this whole episode. I'm learning how to be a great spouse. How to meet ENs and keep communication open and honest. I'm growing stronger every day! More confident. And I can read that in your posts also! Be the MAN!

(note, I'm no where near giving up on my WW...she making progress, slowly...more slowly than I would like, but slowly. I still have that one thing that keeps me going. And that is HOPE)

Keep hope alive in your heart WithinU. Give Plan A time, even if she's not around. Remember, OM had no idea what her real ENs are. He's going to start doing massive withdrawls from her love bank very soon. And she will slowly begin to realize what a great husband and Dad you are.

Be strong brother!

** cheerleading outfit off...it was getting a little scratchy anyway **

Within,

She is confused bc she is in an A. That's why she still wants her appt. No One but her and the OM know if there's contact. How would her parents know? She certainly won't tell them the truth after the fallout from your masterful exposure and successful enlistment of their support.

Please, please...

no letters.

Her EN is conversation...not reading.

I believe these will make you look needy and weak when you need to appear strong and confident.

I have been exactly where you are and i know the pain, depression and misery. Don't feel bad for feeling human emotions. Just don't use them to make decisions or react to them, certainly not around her.

The simple fact of the matter is that right now she doesn't know how she feels because she has feelings for another. You can't control her feelings. It is truly out of your control.

All you can do is be the most attractive alternative for her when her world starts crashing in. Plan A was hell for me and I did a lot of things wrong as I struggled thru.

No letters. No weakness. Don't tell her how devastated you are. appear cheerful and on an even keel. Busy with the kids, life is getting better etc. If she brings up relationship talk be steady as a rock, you are for marriage and won't offer her help in ways that will help undermine it, like money, furniture, guilt assuagement etc.

What were you like when you first met and started dating? Did you immediately go into expressing your feelings and begging her to get married. Unlikely.

You were undoubtedly successful and confident. Be that. Kind, successful, confident, steady. If you need to cry go soemwhere you can do it alone.

This is horrible, trust me i know and I feel for you.

Thanks gang,

I needed that, it feels like this is sucking the life right out of me. I am getting so fatiged by all this is isn't funny.

This wears me out worse than actual working out does.
I would much rather work 16hrs, work out for 4 hrs and sleep for 1 hour, than to deal with this emotional draining this does.

Again this time it is much much worse than it was the first marriage, but maybe I was ready for the end when it happened, IDK.

God I love her to death.

She called this morning, and I asked her if she wanted to go to church (which we fell out of doing the past year or so, and was an issue for her) with me and the kids, and maybe spend some time together.
She said she was going to be busy cleaning her apartment, and had to work later today at her second job, which she got because she could not afford it on her one job.

Then she went into this spill about needing to come down and get stuff, for her, and for her best friends baby that is coming later this year.

I was like no I can't let you do that, if your not coming for time with the kids and I then I don't want them bouncing off the wall, and then have you leave shortly after.

Then leave me to deal with it, but you are more than welcome to come down and sit and play with us, and visit.

She acted as if she didn't have time to do that, cause she really needed to get her apartment cleaned, and set up.

Then I told her that is ok, I understand you have a lot of stuff to do. I can bring you the rest of your clothes, and put them in your car at work, when I drop the car seats off.

She said thank you, and we hung up.

I was really pissed off by the end of the conversation, but I kept the tone of my voice as pleasent and happy as I could muster. Even told her to have a fantastic day!!!!!!!!

Man this sucks.............. I just wanted to let her have it up one side and down the other.

Great words sickwithworry! Inspiring! To the point and spot-on!



Yep, sucks. Listen to sickwithworry. Be strong -- feel like I'm putting that cheerleading skirt on again

In a crazy way it's clensing for me to lend a "cheerleading" hand. Helps me motivate to keep going, keep working on my WW. So understand when I say, "THANKS" to everyone here.

Where would I be without you all and your outstanding advice? I'd be balled up on the floor of my closet still trying to figure out what the heck to do.

Nope, not this prairie dog. I'm standing tall, walking proud and busting Plan A. Fighting through my WWs withdrawl and seriously impressing everyone around us. WW's two friends who know about the A are seriously looking at me and saying to WW, "damn, that's a good man you got there..." And I ain't never going back to the LB-ing, non EN meeting person I was in the past.

Walk with to me WithinU, on this journey! Walk next to me and together we will be strong!

WHY?????

So he can PLANT THE GPS TRACKER IN HER TRUNK!

Golden opportunity here my friend. Snoop, snoop, snoop, track, track, track

They are her clothes, I am not taking anything else to her.

It's not like there is a bunch of them left here.
Plus it will get them out of my way, now I have alot of space in my closet.
Ironic thing is, she can't wear %90 of them, due to having 2 kids back to back.

I have to drop the car seats off anyways, thought i would do this for her.

Oh well, good. As long as you have more closet space.

After the depressing phone call Sunday morning, and after reaking in anger all day and night, while I packed up the remaining bits of her clothing.

I have hit rock bottom. I had an overwhelming desire to remove myself from this plain of exsistance.
I have never had this feeling, and I truely felt it would be the best thing for eveyone, obviously I can not make any woman happy, by giving all of myself to them. I no longer have anything left to give, all I had has been shattered, and this second time around is just to much.

I really don't care about anything anymore.......I can't keep this fake happy me up anymore.

Try to become a real happy you.

Well, if that's really how you feel, perhaps you should draft a good Plan B. I don't know the mechanics of a full blown version, and how to execute it.

It might make you feel pretty good just putting it together. Do you warn her with it? Do you simply pull the trigger on it? I dunno... Other's can probably counsel you better on that than I can.

What it does sound like though, is you need to start protecting yourself.

However... Something you said still suggests to me that you're not clearly 'getting it' yet...


You said:

"...obviously I can not make any woman happy, by giving all of myself to them."

I think you should have stopped at:

"...obviously I can not make any woman happy."

Period. End of message. You can't make any woman happy. You can't make any other person happy. You can make you happy, and then, others will want to be around you.

We cannot control the emotional states (good, bad or otherwise) of others.

So if you've had it. If you're out of stamina and can't deal with her anymore face to face without the AOs, and breakdowns, my suggestion is to go dark. Get an intermediary, and shut her off completely. Let the OM take care of all of her needs.

I am just having a very hard time dealing with the wishy washy, flippin back and forth, one day let's go on a trip and hang out, to I need to make sure?

What exactly does "I need to make sure" really mean?

Make sure of what, make sure you really don't love me?
Make sure you can live on your own, so you won't need me?
Make sure you really want to work on our marriage?
WTF are you wanting to make sure of!!!!!!!!!!!

You were sure when you said yes to going out with me!!!
You were sure when you said yes to moving in with me!!!!
You were sure, when we agreed to stop birth control to have a child together!!!!
You were sure when we stood in front of all our friends and family and pastor, and said Ido!!
You were sure when I carried our daughter from the OR to your room!!!
You were sure when we decided to have our second child together!!!!
You were sure when i carried her from the OR to your room!!!
You were sure when we had them baptised!!!!
You were sure when we remodeled our bedroom!!!
You told me divorce was not an option!!!!

So WTF do you need to be sure of now!!!!!

Whoa there! Again, from what I understand, everything she is doing is totally by the WS Playbook. She's fogged up and confused and conflicted. You are competing with a fantasy. That's bad enough, but all of your impatience and AOs, while justifiable in your mind, aren't helping the matter. Do you see how still, even now, your behaviors are contributing to her choices?

Even in this relatively short thread, I see you doing the EXACT same thing. One minute you love her dearly and you're despondent over you loss... The next you're done and ready to send her on her way.

You want her to make up her mind? You go first...

You've been at this a month. If you are ready to Plan B or just quit then do it. But, from your posts you didn't strike me as a quitter...

Your mood swings are just kicking in again. do you exercise? You should.

I used to hate it when people told me, "Just work on you, be good to yourself."

Grrr, I would think, what could you possibly know about the hell I am going thru???!!! How do I, "Be good to me???"

Well, it's true though. You have to think, "CANCEL" when you staart going down the mental road to misery and despair and think about other things.

I know, this really stinks, but you can't change or control her feelings. You have to accept that it's not in your power to do that and release her. Be the most attractive alternative she can think of by being the old you, happy, confident, fun, steady, dependable. But do it with NO expectations in mind.

Even if you have to fake it til you make it.

No crying in front of her, i mean it! And no begging or R talk or asking for explanations.