I am a new guy here -- never thought I'd be here. My first post is just to see how the system works. I will be back to post the gory details of my sad story. I believe I am living the text book case of a BS. Once the details are posted, I am interested in knowing if I am dealing with a WW going through a midlife crisis, or simply dealing with a WW who has no moral grounding? The answer to that question leads to "should I give up on the marriage, is it rebuildable, etc?"

Again, the details to follow.

Welcome to MB, and glad you found us.

OK folks, here is the tale. I've been married a long time. WW has pulled this stunt twice. About ten years ago, she took one of my daughters out of state for an abortion. That procedure resulted in the daughter spending 6 weeks in an ICU (she nearly died.) Next thing I know WW is dating/living with her boss, who was 27 years older. This went on for nearly 2 years, and contact was not completely broken until 8 months ago. Yes, I know I the was the doormat and did many things wrong -- basically enabled the inappropriate behavior. WW never expressed remorse for what happened to the daughter, nor for this first affair. She had all the benefits of the marriage? and none of the responsibility.

Fast forward to summer 2008. WW has been a heavy beer drinker for years. On a normal work night, WW put away 6 to 9 beers, and on weekends all bets were/are off. In my opinion, she's an alcoholic. Her spending, which has always been an issue, went out of control. She ran up $25,000 on credit cards for motorcycles, and impulse items. Of course, this was hidden from me. I live in a community property state, so quess who owns half that debt. Anyway, in late summer her comings and goings became from erratic and unpredictable -- out on a Friday night with her female cousin to bars and returning dead drunk at 2 or 3 in the morning. She also began to wear teenage type clothing -- imagine a 5'3", 165 pound 51 year old woman waltzing out the door in jeans way to tight, wearing a shirt where her breast nearly flop out. She is very proud of those 38DDs, but forgets the waist is big.

Story continues: By October, she was spending weekends at the bar, and sleeping it off during the day. On Oct 4, one of my daughter's clued me in there was an OM. The next weekend, WW's ring came off because it itched. I also got "the Speech" that weekend. It was a slight variation of the classic, but was basically, "I've (WW) been lonely and miserable to 10 years. We are incompatible. I am not going to live like this for the next 10. You (me) deserve someone who will make you happy." I put up with HER running for 3 weeks -- I was nicer than hell, and then retained an attorney and had her served on 23 October. She has moved into a rented place with OM and one of my daughters. Contact with her has been limited to a couple phone calls where I was told, "she could never trust me for what I've done to her." I told her family, my children, and my family what she was doing. At this point, I am about 4 months in (including October), and all indications are life is grand for her with plans to purchase the rental (huge mortgage). Oh, I almost forgot OM owns a bar -- perfect for an alcolic. Other than that, loser with tax problems, no assets, lived with his mom. You get the idea. So, do wayward wifes come out of the fog -- I've heard around the 6 month mark. In the meantime, the lawyers keep me busy and SHE is unhappy that I will not agree to all her settlement conditions. I received an email from HER telling me to act like an adult -- no sure what prompted that, but I did not take the bait and therefore did not respond. Looking for any and all inputs.

Fritze, that is not a mid life crisis, whatever that is, but pure de alcoholism. Marriage Builders concepts are useless with an alcoholic because her first love is alcohol and because she is insane. Her alcoholism would have to be arrested before you could ever hope to recover your marriage.

My suggestion would be to go to Alanon meetings and legally separate so that you are protected from her. She will ruin you financially, emotionally, spiritually, if you let her.

Additionally, if you have knowledge that she is drunk driving, I would suggest calling the cops on her. Many an alcoholic has sobered up when court ordered into AA after a nice stint in JAIL. Jail is very therapeutic for alcoholics.

check this out: Alcoholic Spouse

I have spent a couple weeks reviewing the MB forums. Many of the stories seem to have a common theme, almost like there is a blueprint that WSs follow, or an extra credit course they take to pull their antics. I truly am looking for any input, AND maybe, on a selfish not -- to validate that I am not the crazy one.

MelodyLane -- you comments are insightful. I am aware that alcoholics will sacrifice family, friends, jobs, and money to feed their first love -- the bottle. I am dealing with a functional alcoholic -- goes to work just fine, presents to those outside the house as congenial, and a bit charismatic.

I read the Alcoholic Spouse article. I am aware that I face both the Infidelity issue and also the Alcohol issue. I know I can't control HER behavior and I will not accept responbility for her actions.

I do not know how my children (now adults) survived and matured into the fine adults they did -- based on their home life. I have no excuse for the reality presented to them, except I was a military man who was gone all the time. And, even that, isn't a valid excuse. I enabled the drinking -- actually brought the swill in by the case for HER. I turned a blind eye to the turmoil it created -- hoped it would magically resolve itself. And, I spent the first two months after I had HER removed from the house (divorce filed in Oct 08) "what if'ing" myself to death. Bottomline: I should have stepped up to the plate about 11 years ago.

Better to stall the divorce if you are financially protected.

Your kids are grown so the worse thing would be splitting everything with her and starting over.

Melody really told you all you need to know at this time. MB will not work with an alcoholic. The drinking needs to cease.

If I were in your shoes, I'd get to a good attorney asap, and get some legal protection in place for whatever you have left of your financial world.

This woman can, and most likely will, spend you right into the poorhouse.

Don't let a lifetime of achievement get run down the drain!

You just described about 99% of us. Your wife is the RULE rather than the exception. The exception are the skid row bums. All of the things you say have not happened just add YET to the end. It is just a matter of time. And I bet she would sacrifice all that if she had to make a choice. She has already destroyed her marriage and I have no doubt she would drain your finances in a heartbeat if need be. She is just lucky she has you propping her up.

My suggestion would be to file for divorce because a legal separation will not send a strong enough message. Especially since she is has been committing adultery as a way of life for several years now. She is very dependent on you and I suspect you have unwittingly propped her up by tolerating all this.

And I hate to tell you this, but she will get progressively worse.

HER standard line when queried about the amount she drinks is "just a couple of beers." There is complete denial on her part that a drinking problem exists. I have currently have no input as regards HER activities. As a result, the boozing isn't going to stop any time soon. And, I don't think the crowd she's surrounded herself with druggies, and drunks cares one way or the other. Thanks for the input.

That is the classic alcoholic line.

My propping her up is an understatement. I tolerated inappropriate behavior that went so far across the line that it meet itself coming back. I covered for her, made excuses, threw money at the problems to make the problems go away. I think in the lexicon I was an enabler, and probably a codependent. That being said -- I was doing my best for the wrong reasons.

Your "YET" comment sent a chill down my spine. I can only guess what SHE will pull next -- the attorneys are involved and assets have been stacked up. Thanks for the input -- sometimes those outside a relationship make comments about it (containing such crystal clarity) that it helps confirm what the BS (me) is struggling to confirm.

I would suggest a leagl separation to protect you legal rights and your finances.

Then if you are not ready to divorce that you do a plan B until she goes to AA, goes NC with the OM. Or until you can no longer wait then divorce when you no longer want to wait, but move on with your life.

Separation papers were dropped on HER, 23 October 08. She immediately went to an attorney and upgraded to the Divorce version. She thought the proceedings would be final no later than 23 December 08 -- basically clearing the deck for the good life. The judge had different ideas, so the great event is scheduled for the end of April.

I believe her chief concern at this time is getting real estate sold so she has access to $$$$$.

She stopped contact with three of my adult children almost immediately -- my sons are aghast, and one daughter will not get involved (probably a smart gameplan).

Fitze, in that case, the only thing I can suggest is going to Alanon. Does she still live with you?

I will give the ALANON folks a call and see what they have.

I had HER served and removed from the house on 23 October 08. She immediately moved in with OM. Had know him less than 3 weeks. They currently have a rental with plans to buy it. The math is not there to cover the mortgage. Thank you for the input.

Fitzge,

You're to be commended on the investment you have obviously put towards your marriage, through even these - the worst of times. It tells of how much you must have loved her all these years. It can't be easy for you to give up on her, but it appears she is giving you no choice. Concentrate now on your children, and encourage them to seek ALANON support as well, for if she remains a part of their lives, it will take a toll on them as well.

I wish you the best.

Kimberly

berlyJF

SHE cut ties with her children, her family of original, and the few old friends she had. Her current new friends are bar people and drug people. Right now HER children are forgotten.

She has not bothered to contact my youngest son (21)in 4 months -- he was the favorite; a newly wed, and one year into the NAVY.

One of my daughters (32) lives with her. They have never gotten along and I do not see that arrangement lasting long.

I shall pass along the ALANON suggestion to them though. I sense SHE will re-enter their lives at her convenience or need.