Yep, sickwithworry is spot-on. Be strong brother. Look at it this way...at least you know what's causing her fog / babble / waffling.

During my WWs first affair, I had no clue there was even another man. She lashed out at me with the "don't know if I love you" thing, waffled back and forth on our marriage, relationship, etc. I had NO clue there even was another man.

But I knew I loved her and buckled down and tried to be a better person. One minute she was loving, kind and actually met some of my needs. The next she was cold, mean, etc.

I struggled through this for NINE months! I fought hard for my marriage and had no benefit of MB.com and the support here. I just put my head down and went at it.

You, my friend, have the benefit of all the support here. You have the WW game plan sitting right in front of you. You can read it, study it, know what to anticipate, call a blitz when you know she's going to throw one deep...you are at a distinct ADVANTAGE here!

Yes, it's hard. Yes, you feel like a steaming pile of dog-poop. Yes, the woman you love is treating you like a bug on the windshield of her life. But you have the game plan, Plan A. And you know she's in the FOG.

Exercise, start a new nutrition plan, work on YOU when you aren't trying to meet her ENs (when you can meet her ENs).

You know what's really cool for me right now. I've been watching what I eat and working out like a crazy man. Helps reduce the stress. The other night while I was out with friends/neighbors some of the gals said "you look good..." Okay, a little creepy coming from my friends/neighbors wives, but that made me feel ten feet tall!

I know deep down inside that *if* my marriage does not work out, I'm going to be a better man because I'm striving to make myself better -- mentally and physically. *and I DO want my marraige to work*

Don't show your WW weakness. Show her strength! Don't love bust. Show her you can meet her ENs!

How do I meet her EN's if she won't even give me the time of day. She won't talk to me, she won't even come and spend time with her own kids.

It's beyound me how two women so far have walked away from their kids, their own flesh and blood, that just blows my mind.

How do I learn to control myself. In this state..........

Have the house clean. Luandry done. Cook. Have favorite foods in the house. You do these things your plan A'ing.

Yep, you're still Plan A'ing! Suck it up and press ahead with the mission!

Stop it about the 2 women. You are not a loser ok? Quit questioning yourself and her screwed up feelings, ok?

No, They don't make sense because you are rational.

Man up. This stuff blows all our minds.

Man up and put your nose to the grindstone. Not for her, for you.

Grind it out!

Don't quit!

Thanks guy's. If it weren't for this board and family, and my daughters not sure where I would be.

Update:

After my really really past two days and nights. I finally decided something is wrong with me, and I should not ever be thinking about "disappearing".
I made a Dr's appointment, and took off work early just so i could get in to see the Dr yesterday.

I told him how I was feeling and what was going on.
He claims the anti-depressant is not fully kicked in yet, and should be getting better, so he prescribed another round of wellbutrin XL, and Xanex, to calm me down.

Last night was the first night I have ever slept more than 5 hrs since she has left.

Update:

Had my first coaching with Steve Harley this am. Other than being really early in the morning. He explained alot to me, most of the session was me hashing out where we were right now.

He pointed out the things I am/was doing wrong. He did say I was pressureing her into making a decision, now. Which I really did not think I was doing , that bad anyways.
He told me I needed to chip away at her wall. I need to show her that the only logical best solution, was to restore the love and have a great marriage with the father of her children.

So he gave me a game plan, and he did say I was in Plan A, but to back off making her make a decision.

Like you guy's told me, this is a marathon, not a sprint, but man it's tough just stepping back and waiting.

Anyways, I got gooooood happy pills from the Doc, and I have a better outlook for the future for myself, and for my marriage.

[quote=sickwithworry
Stop it about the 2 women. You are not a loser ok? Quit questioning yourself and her screwed up feelings, ok? [/quote]

You are right Sick,

I just feel crushed , and I tend to blame myself for failing these two marriages.

I tend to feel as if I had done this or that, or had more money, or had more charisma, more this or that. I would not have failed them.

I am digging myself out, as long as you guy's promise to tell me to stop being a wuss, and help me plan A my a-$-$ off. Things will be fine. No strike that, they will be GREAT!!!!!!!!!

WithinU:

I'm sensing a corner turned...you are heading in the right direction. Not that you were completely off course, just needed a little correction.

Keep with the meds, and keep rocking with Plan A!

Remember, you are going to get a lot of advice from this thread. Some of it will fit your situation well. Others not so much.

Be patient, put your long-distance running shoes on, drink some gatoraid and start in...again.

It's hard to fathom, but enjoy the journey. Look in at yourself during this difficult time. Think about the man you were and the man you are becoming. Examine yourself and look to improve. You CAN do this! Be strong!

Update:

I followed Steve's plan, I printed off some of his articals, and gave them to her, and asked her to read the information, and then we could talk about how we could apply these ideas, to our own marriage.
That I only want her opinion, not a decision.

Then if she says they are interesting, then I will follow through with telling her about this very interesting Dr that came up with these ideas, and how he had opened my eyes to a few things in our marriage, I would then ask if she would be interested in speaking with him over the phone, and that I would set everything up for her.

I also told her, that I know we can do this, and I know we can have a marriage that will surpass any expections her or I had....ever.


Side note, not sure I did a bad thing or not, but I sent her 1 red rose, with a saying on the card, "just because".

Ok I need some input.

How does one know they are LB'ing?

My wife called Sunday wanted to come up and get some of her stuff, instead of letting her come for what I thought was only going to be 10-20 minutes, and then leave us again.

I told her I would bring her clothes to her.

Now I am being told by her mom, that I was being controlling and selfish.

So WTH??? Please teach me how and what not to say, words can be so delicate to speak, and get differant results.

Was I being controlling and selfish?

I don't think you were LB-ing. I think you were just establishing and enforcing a boundary.

How on earth can taking time out of your day to DRIVE her clothes to her be controlling?

Me thinks it was the wayward-fog-babble speaking here

You weren't LBing, and I can understand your reasoning to an extent - not wanting the emotional disruption of her blowing through the house.

I'd have put her stuff out in a box on the porch, locked the doors, and then skee-daddled out of there with the kids until she'd already come and gone.

Ok I need some input.
My wife called me this morning, to ask if she had any mail?

I told her no, I assumed you had put in a address change.
She said no she did not do that.

I then went on to ask how she was doing and feeling, and how work was going.
She seemed plesent, I then asked if she wanted to get together to take the girls on a outing.
She said she would probably be busy cleaning her apartment this weekend.

I then asked if her and the girls would like to attend church with me.
She said no, she was going to her friends church this Sunday.

My question is, why on earth is she calling me about these lil things if she doesn't want to go do anything?

Are these head games?

I was as pleasent as I could muster, and as joyful as I could muster, i was so joyful, it made my jaw muscles hurt.

Anyways, any input?

These types of things are what is driving me bonkers.

Who cares?

Are you behaving for yourself, or for her? Cast her reasons and rationale aside. It doesn't matter and it's going to drive you mad. So stop doing that to yourself.

Always remember that you're doing the best you can for you. Doing what is right, for you.

Your right Seabird.
I may be just trying to read too much into these things. I guess I may be trying to find that spec of hope in a word.

Maybe it was just a phone call about me having mail for her, but it's been a month and a half, and she is just now asking about mail?

But anyways there I go again........

Yep... Setting it aside is a hard habit to break.

But it's sooooooo liberating when you do. BTDT.

As much as I love her and want this to work out.
I am starting to tire of chasing something I can or may never reach at this point.

I can't hardly do any "plan A" even if I want to.
You have to actually speak to one another to meet EN's.

So how do I Plan A, if I never get a chance to? How do I meet her EN's if I never get a chance to?

BTW 30lbs down, still eating, been eating alot of seafood, which she never cared for.

Size 40 down to 36 and they are starting to get baggy.

Careful on the seafood. Mind the mercury levels.

I think that Plan A means making yourself attractive. Emotionally and physically. I get the sense that you're asking for specifics, and I don't think anyone here can provide that for you. Everyone's situations are unique. You have to practice some critical thinking skills.

Taking some care of your appearance might be one thing. Keeping the house clean and inviting is another. Keeping your children happy and healthy is yet one more. She'll see these things.

They might make her want to come back. They might not.

Worst case scenario is that she doesn't come back, but you're fit and attractive, with a nice home, and healthy and happy well-adjusted kids.

If she doesn't come back, and you haven't done those things, well... That's just worse, right?

See what I mean about doing it for yourself???

Yes, I understand Seabird, about doing it for myself, I guess I am a bit confused on the aspects of Plan A.

To me it says I need to do everything I can to meet her EN's and not to LB her.

I am doing the weight for myself, not really for her.

So in a sence I am to sit back take care of myself and family, and wait for her to contact me?

Then be the bright and shining knight, when she does call?

*deep breath*

You are still thinking about HER reaction.

STOP IT!!! :twobyfour:

Go do a search on a guy called The_Tall_Man. He showed up here about two years ago. His transformation was amazing. Start with his first post and his first thread and work your way through. It will take you several days. Pay special attention to the things LovingAnyway says to him.

You meet her ENs the best way you can. Not with intent. Not right now. You take care of yourself, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, some of her ENs will be met as a result.

---AS A RESULT---

Your focus. Your goal. Be the best you, you can be. The rest will take care of itself. Doesn't mean she'll come back. Don't look at it from that perspective.

If she comes back, it will be by her choice. Stop trying to engineer things so that she makes that choice.