Fcal,

if you are reservist you can go what's called IRR and just sort of "take a break" for awhile without officially going home (getting out.)

I am sure most Americans would be shocked at the strains that have been levied against our reserve force since 9/11.

In my community, 86% of every billet requirement to go to Iraq and Afghanistan was filled by a reservist. 86%!!!

The reserves also always seem to get the short end of the stick too whe it comes to housing, training, lead time before deplyment etc. Our reservists deployments were typically for 15 months while their AD counterparts were often for 6 months. And the funny thing is, there are very few complaints. These citizen soldiers like yourself are glad, proud and honored to serve.

Don't get me wrong, I am not trying to disparage the active component, but rather as an active component member saluting the reservists that routinely give up so much including their families, civilian jobs, and unfortunately their lives with a quiet and proud dignity. Thanks from all of us FCal!

It is all going to be okay.

A slight threadjack...

I served both active duty and some time in the National Guard. I can tell you, wars cannot be won without the reserves and Guard. And that is a GOOD thing!

I had a sergeant major ask a class I was in once to name the number of major wars that the active duty had won on their own. There arent any! As he said, the Active duty has never won a war, and the Guard and reserves have never lost one.

55% of the US Army's combat power resides in the National Guard.

The design is this. For small wars and incursions, the Active Duty is very capable of taking care of business. But for large wars, such as we are in now, with longterm deployments, we have to have the reserve forces to win. In a large war, it is the Active Duty's job to hold the line until the reserves get online to help push for the win.

Also, it was set-up this way politically. To send Active Duty troops is one thing...as they are made up of soldiers from all over the Nation. To send the Guard, you take soldiers from one location. It is very noticable when they leave! And thus, the war had best be accepted by the American public, or they will begin to demand the return of their Guard and reserve forces.

Being on both sides of the equation, I can tell you that the reason that the American military is so successful is that it combines superior equipment, with superior leadership...and made up of soldiers, airman, sailors and Marines who are highly trained and ready to go.

No matter if they are Active Duty, Guard or Reserve forces.

I thank you all for your support of both me and my brothers and sisters in arms. I am truly honored to have served my country and it takes a special breed to pull off the long haul. I have considered going IRR untill one event in my other unit. Someone was leaving my unit to go on IRR and not three monts later he was back drilling. I asked him why he was drilling and I thought he went IRR. His reply was comical and sad at the same time. He said he went IRR but got picked up and re-atached to our unit again. You can't really go IRR because they will just re-activate you.

I'm IRR, but they don't normally recall pilots. Takes too long to bring me up to speed for training and I would have to completely redo the quals for my former weapon system.

Then again, I guess they could always recall me to go fill a slot somewhere in BFE where they need an officer.

3 years into it and I haven't been called, so don't expect to.

There is a dirty little secret to this...

When we were really in the throes of IZ Freedom we simply didn't have enough intelligence officers. We were deploying people on Individual Augmentation Deployments 3 and 4 times breaking the rules of statutory dwell time away from IZ and AF.

I thought it stunk that we had a pool of people who went IRR when they found out they were going to get MOB'd. I suggested we pull them out of the IRR. It didn't seem fair to me to have a guy or gal that had worn the uniform, trained, got a paycheck, had the clearances etc. only to high tail it when the flak started flying. After all, the rest of us had gone multiple times. This is an issue with a lot of communities, a small percentage, but it's there.

I was told that we cannot do it. It flies in the face of a "volunteer force" and that Congress would not allow it. I was told to "strongly imply" that they had no choice and to bring em back in.

I couldn't do it. Wasn't right, at least for me.

If you go IRR they statutorily cannot FORCE you to return. They can make it uncomfortable, especially if you are in a high demand low density community like intel, but you can't be forced.

A downside to the IRR is that one can be attached to any unit to fill in the holes. I didn't like the idea of my H being stuck just anywhere with people he didn't know. H was with the same unit all 10 yrs and you know who you could trust to watch your back. I know as a spouse that I felt better knowing that certain people were with him during deployment. The last 2 yrs he was in, there were few people left that I/he felt comfortable with. Unfortunately I think the military has relaxed it's standards (especially where women are concerned) and accepted mediocrity in some areas.

ThreadJack... Good to see SWW's poking his head in now and again. How about an update on your thread now about a dozen pages deep.

Sure, I'll post an update soon, thanks JKT. I'm OK, at least I'm on the right side of the grass, good to hear from you as well.

Maybe together we can give FCAL some military related MB advice from a couple of gray-headed mil vets.

My update so far. I went to counseling yesterday and I realized I have doubts about divorce. I may just go with a legal seperation. My wife mentioned she has started going to counseling and I explained to her that her words are good and all, but I can't trust that. I need proof and if she thinks she stands half a chance with me she needs to take action. I can't fight this battle for her and it is not mine to fight. All I can do is give her and myself time and space. I still don't know how this will all turn out. Just when I think I have everything figured out everything changes around in my head. I am going to be more critical of my observations of her than I have ever been before and if there is any doubt in my mind about what she is doing or what she is saying it will be over. I can't go through with a full divorce with this nagging doubt in my mind, I must be sure and rock solid on this decision. My hopes, dreams and heart were wrapped up in this marriage and I can't easily let that go. So far I can't see what else needs to be done for seperation other than doing the paperwork. I pray every night for the awnsers and the wisdom of what to do and I hope they come soon. I have a leave coming up and I can't wait to get home to clear my head. The thought of becoming an officer is still in my head as an option and I just need some time out of the military to take a break. Mabey I'll do OCS at a local college while I'm out and that way I will have less to do on that option when I make that dicision. Don't worry I don't believe what my wife is telling me and what I will believe is evidence and action. There are always three sides to an event, her side, his side and what actually happened.

Fcal,

I was going to warn you of the rollercoaster you have and will continue to encounter. This war between your heart and your head, a long with the war between love and anger.

Your a man... You want to "fix" this. You love her.

Know this... Repairing this M is going to take a huge toll on you when compared to D. I suspect the majority here read the plans you compiled with your head and agreed that to be a solid plan! Then again, I suspect no one here is really surprised by your latest feelings, no excuses necesssary.

It's too early on to make long term decisions. That DOES NOT stop you from protecting yourself, money, and further damage. There are no kids involved, so what will legal seapration do? I'm asking because I don't know, I know legal separation makes child support and things of that nature a requirement. In otherwords only spend the money if it's going to help you.

-JKT

Thanks for understanding my position and my doubts about this. I only thought of legal seperation because of my meeting with my counselor and the advise to not rush into divorce. I don't really know anything about the process or what it involves so I will need to do my homework. Yeah the roller coaster is tough on me as opposed to getting a divorce, but the payoff could be rewarding. It is really too early to tell anything and I have too much distance to really see anything up close. I need to wait till I get home to really make any big dicisions. My wife said her infedelity issues sprung up from a military life living with her parents. She moved around a lot and never was able to hold on to anyone close to her. She claims she pushes away everyone close to her after an amount of time because she figures they would leave her anyway and she might as well end things on her own terms. She stated that she needs to get it through her thick skull that I was never going to leave her and it took this incident to realize that. I will need to talk to her face to face with a counselor to verify all of what she says because I just cant trust these words as valid as they sound. My trust is a very hard thing to earn back and it will take action and evidence. Wish me luck and pray for me.

Just did.

Soldier,

As I said before in my previous posts, you should be in no hurry. And this is exactly why!

Good, bad or indifferent...your wife and you are one person. What happens when you take a live person and tear it in two? Well, you kill that person. There is a lot of pain.

Same goes for the two of you. You are one. In order to make you two, there will be a "death" and there will be a lot of pain.

The good news is that right now, you dont know if you will be divorced or not. Why do I say that is good news? Because right now, any decision on the future of your marriage really rests in your wife's lap, doesnt it?

You have protected yourself from her. Now, you are getting counseling and help here, in order to get things up off the floor and to begin to understand where you are at. It is like an After Action Review (AAR). What went right, what went wrong, and what do I have to do to improve the things that went wrong?

Isnt that right?

I think you might gain some insight I wish I had by going back and looking at what happened to my wife and me. Very similar insecurities in my wife, as I was deployed...as are evidence in yours. I am finishing up my thread that patches in all of my threads over the years so that the full story can be in one place. I will post the link here once I am done.

If you look back to my first post to you, I told you that your path is the same, no matter if yo uwant a divorce or want to save the marriage. That is why this is good news. It is because no matter what you want to do, your decisions are still the same right now. Not so for your wife! Her paths go in opposite directions and she really is in a bad spot right now as she has to make up her mind which way she wants to go.

When you look at my threads, I would specifically want you to loo kat some of the advice Just Learning gave me back in the beginning of things. It was very good advice, eve nthough I didnt know what I wanted at the time.

Start reading here (Dr. Harley's books, successful threads here, etc). Get smart. Take this time to understand what a good marriage looks like, and what a good husband looks like. Then compare it to what you had.

Then, once you decide which way to go...you can make sure you will demand a marriage that looks like that, no matter if it is with your current wife or someone new!

I think you have a good counselor. It is not good to rush into divorce, no matter how things turn out. You need to know that you did everything possible to save your marriage so you can look back in 5 years and have no regrets.

And you are absolutely correct. Talk is cheap. Around here we always say ignore what they say and watch what they do.

I copied the articles about infidelity to my wife and then I talked to her later that night. She read all four sections and said it was scary how closely they sounded just like her. I am curious to see how our counseling will go when I get home. I go home for a two week leave in May and really could use the down time. Things are hectic where I am and I don't usually have a whole lot of time to just think and sort things out. This issue I am having won't be resolved for a while and I'm gonna have to just grit my teath and bear it, praying for the best.

Fcal,

I agree entirely with mortarman. while several people here have offered their opinions, including myself, as to what we feel might be best for you, only you can make the decision.

My situation was very similar to yours. One thing that I will NEVER REGRET is that i used the advice from the good people on this board and from Dr. Harley to try to save my marriage. I mean I really tried.

I now have that knowledge and will carry it with me for the rest of my life, and it is a source of great comfort to know that i didn't just chuck in the towel.

I can look myself in the mirror every day for the rest of my life with confidence and comfort in that knowledge. I have the respect of my children, family and really our entire community of friends for making what a lot of them considered to be a herculean effort.

My Chaplain, counselor and friends on this board advised me not to make any life changing final decisions for six months. I am glad I followed that advice.

It is good that you have some time to prepare a plan and to read some of the stuff here. And I'm glad your wife is reading things about infidelity too.

This is the kind of thing where everyone thinks they know what they would do, until it happens to them.

Hope you are feeling a bit better. It takes lots of time to make decisions, and it will also depend on what actions your wife does. It is very hard for you right now, in years to come you will look back and know that you did your best.

For the past two nights my head has been rattleing around thoughts I couldn't get the awnsers to. I couldn't count on my wife to tell me the truth because like I said right now I can't trust what she says. Last night I did something I didn't think I could ever do. It started when I e-mailed the guy my wife slept with to try to demand awnsers. In the e-mail my thought didn't come across right and I tried to call him. After I missed him on the phone I got an e-mail response saying he had just woken up and if I called right back he would pick up. I did and we talked for a while. He broke into tears and confesed everything including the information I was needing to know. I found myself feeling more at peace and something had been resolved. I explained to him that my previous e-mail was taken over out of rage and by talking to him I calmed down quite a bit. I forgave him and told him to forgive him self and work on his marriage. I directed him to this website and as strange as it is I wish the best for his marriage. As for me and my wife she still has some things to come clean with me about apparently. I will see how honest she is when we go into counseling together and if she dosn't surrender all then I will really know where we stand in our marriage.

Did he back up your wife's version of the affair? The delay between the email and the response makes me wonder if he didn't call your wife to get the story straight. Might want to check online cell phone logs and home phone if have one. Just a thought.

His story backed up my wifes version, and he told me about occasions where she had done drugs with him and his wife that I had not known about. When I talked to him his wife was right there and the reason he didn't pick up the phone is because it was early their time and they had just woken up. It was literaly seconds from trying to call him to recieving his e-mail. I have to focus on what my wife will divulge and see how honest she wants to be. She must be 100 percent accurate if she wants to stand a chance at this point.