...and I'm not very happy about this little set-back! Just last night I was driving home & got to thinking about the OW issue. I thought to myself, he's still got his phone that's on the family plan...I should check online to see if there's a # he calls repeatedly. Then I said to myself, out loud mind you, "Wait - I DON'T CARE!" then I laughed and said, again, smiling & proud of myself, "I DON'T CARE!!!"

But here I am, kinda caring. Thinking of asking the kids what he told them about his living arrangements. Having DS/9 "snoop" this weekend for evidence or report back to me any girlie stuff in the apartment, etc.

I don't like that (possibly - no real confirmation) I've been duped. It just doesn't make sense.

I could text back, "(city name)? Why did you move to (city name)?"

Well, I guess the only way to find out is to ask him. Via text of course.

Leave it alone, Julie!! It will just signal to him that you are upset and he will use that knowledge to toy with you.

Lets discuss the issue of an OW. You have made a decision to end your marriage. That doesn't mean you won't upset if he does that, but that is your issue to deal with personally. Since you are done with the marriage, the only way it matters is how it effects your kids.

If you tip your hand here, he will use this to manipulate you. I would BACK OFF.

Don't invite yourself back into the nut house. The nut has left the building, don't go back there.

UGH!

You are right but DAMMIT I don't like this.

I could be wrong. I could be wrong. I could be wrong.

But it doesn't make sense. As you know, yes, I'm ending the marriage - but as you recall, I'm CONFUSED. Confused as to why he wrote me a beautiful poem on Christmas & then 2 weeks later is "not invested" How "you know what I'm thankful for? I'm thankful for YOU" turns into "No, I don't want this. I want a divorce"

I KNOW it shouldn't matter that's why I'm PISSED that it does! I am fabulous! I'm much better than this!

I could be wrong. DANG I was not expecting this. Any OW at this point is only somebody who's willing to take the crap I'm not. I need to get that shizz filed ASAP. GET IT OUT of my life!!

You can come here and be upset, Julie. I understand your upset completely. BUT.. you cannot act on that. This is another part of accepting that your marriage is over. Even though you have no idea if there is an OW or not.

Keep reminding yourself WHY you are ending this marriage.

Eh, whatever.

First, I could be wrong. Second, he'd almost NEED an OW at this point. The guys have seen & heard this from him before so it's got to be getting old, plus this last round of sobriety, in all its, "no, really this time" has chased a few of the guys away. So, the remedy for that is surely a bar hag. One who digs the mohawk & tattoos & bad-boy attitude. Yanno, someone he can take home to stupid-mommy. If it is true, it really makes his, "what are you telling the kids??" very comical.

Truth be told, there's got to be SOMEBODY out there who's going to want/like/love/take him, exactly as he is, so whether that's now or later has NOTHING to do with me & my wonderful self.

These posts will self destruct soon. I wanted none of this crap on my NOW I'M GOING TO HAVE A LIFE thread. Hmph!

I'm OK. Thanks Mel.

Julie,

You need a good 2x4 about now.... I'll try to swing lightly!!

What the h@ll are you doing? Why are you concerned with an OW right now? Does it really matter? You are letting your own low self-esteem bubble back to the surface. Who gives a rats @ss what he is doing?!?! If you are getting this upset about it then I really question your ability to end the marriage and move your life into a positive direction. Go and see an IC. Try to understand why you would allow this to affect you so greatly at this point.

You really need to focus on you. You make statements that you are wonderful and stuff like that but they ring hollow to me. I totally believe that you are wonderful I just don't think that you really believe it. You are on the slippery slope back to enabling land.... You better get your footing real quick!

Mindshare

Hey Julie, I kinda understand where you're coming from.

Before my husband left the first time, we were at a ho-hum place. We weren't getting along very well and agreed to separate for a time just to figure out what we both wanted. Little did I know the reason behind this was because he had met OW.

I was agreeable to the separation (I was thinking short-term) but I was PO'd when I found out that he had tricked me. So I understand where you're coming from.

HOWEVER, whether there is or isn't an OW in your situation really doesn't matter. It would just add fuel to the fire but it wouldn't be the cause of the fire. Right?

MS, I'm over it.

I've had a GREAT week and a half since getting my house & life back to MYSELF and yes, I did backslide momentarily but 1) I was PISSED about it (and recognized it) and 2) That was SO an-hour-ago.

I'm over it.

Julie, you did the right thing. You came here and vented about it instead of acting on it. Of course you will be upset about it. What matters is how you manage that distress, and you did the right thing.

RIGHT!

And like Mel said, he'd only have to answer to the kids - not me - because it matters to me NONE. And, the kids have a list about a mile long that they'd just add this to, if it's true. But they won't ask him anyway, they'll shut him out instead, because nobody upsets Daddy.

Yea, I'm SO OVER IT. Embarrassed I took it there. Proud of me for bringing it HERE. I'm doing fine. I don't think it's likely to not have momentary lapses in judgment/emotions.

PM, thank you for stopping in. I know you've got a lot of experiences similar to mine and I can learn a lot from you & your now harmonious life.

OH - and I got the D stuff all changed, filled out, and submitted. I was hurt about an hour ago, but c'mon, this D is moving forward.

I'm going to disagree with what the others have suggested here. I think you need to find out if there actually is an OW involved. Not for the purpose of busting up the A, but primarily to find out who and what type of person your H might be introducing to your kids without your knowledge.

Plus, does adultery have any bearing on D in your location?

I already said that. A day late and a dollah short.....

Hmmmmmmmm.......but I got over it!

Though you've got a point about the kids. DD/12 ain't goin' there but DS/9 can be convinced by anyone that anything they present is glorified. I wouldn't put it past STBXH at this point to bring someone around DS either.

So, is there a way to find this out yet being as completely removed from the sitch as possible?


I don't think so.

Julie, you do need to ask him about it the next time he arranges visitation with your son, because you need to know a) where he is going and b) who is going to be there. It matters who he taking the kids around. Is your state a no-fault state?

Julie,

You done good!!! Venting here is therapeutic for the soul!! Keep doing that! Just don't let your H see it because as Mel stated he will use it to manipulate you.

I agree that you need to know about a OW (if there is one) so you know who the kids are around. So, you should ask him if there is an OW but in a calm and cool manner and let him know that you are only asking because you are concerned about who the children are exposed to. Keep it about the children and not about you.

You are doing good....keep talking through your feelings here. I know it hurts. You wouldn't be human if it didn't. We've all been there (or are currently there). Keep your chin up!!

Mindshare

I don't know if it's a no-fault state & neither did the lady I called who works @the service STBXH paid to do the filing!

I've emailed an acquaintance who works for a divorce attorney. I can also ask my former boss, who was able to "fast-track" her divorce.

I suspect even if I do ask him, he will lie. I could ask other ppl, but I'm not sure I want to go there. Shall I prep DS before the visit? If I do, he'll likely say something like "yea, mom already asked me about it" while STBXH is explaining to him why he shouldn't tell me, etc.

IF it's true.

Don't know if it's worth my while.

I could text him right now, in response to him giving me his address, "OK & do you have a roommate?" but I cannot fathom him answering me honestly in person.

YES - I am in a no-fault state.

OMG. I just stepped out to visit my favorite salad bar for lunch. As I'm leaving, I get a text message from STBXH:

"You wanna buy me lunch?"

OMG.

Mel, the nut has left the house, but he's apparently not too far gone. Holy crap. He works near me. What is he thinking? Manipulative much? We're going to be friends? Tell the kids, "mommy & daddy had lunch today...it was nice!" Just because I want to CONFUSE them. And, WASTE my lunch hour!!

Right

"Yes, I would like to buy you lunch. Consider it a token of my appreciation for your DUMB @SS!! A celebration, of sorts. I'd like to buy you a beer as well. Make it two? OK, sure. Let's make BEER our family mascot!"

OW or no OW, what a cry for help ego strokin' this is!

(I ignored it, folks. It'll be our little secret. I will not dignify his crap with a response. Strictly business.)

ahhhhhh, he wants to be your "friend" so he doesn't feel so guilty. Whatevah!