I've been married for 13 years. My wife took our 12 year old son and left a few months ago when I confessed I had been having an affair, and that the other woman is pregnant. I never wanted my marriage to end, but I thought I had caused too much damage for my wife to ever forgive. When she left, I moved forward with my other relationship, and began telling my family and coworkers about our situation. I do not love this woman, but I do feel obligated to her. Believing that saving my marriage wasn't an option, I decided to try to do the right thing by this baby, and moved forward with my relationship to his/her mother.

My dilemma now: my wife wants to come home. She is the only woman I can ever imagine loving, and I desperately want her and our son to heal from what I have done. But it doesn't feel right for me to abandon this other woman at this point either. Being with my wife is the only choice that will ever make me happy...but seeking my own happiness is what got me into this situation. I want to do the right thing now, I just don't know what that is. What should I do?

The "right" thing to do is stop the affair, go back to your wife with a humble heart and beg for forgiveness. Go NC with the OW until the OC is born and DNA proves that the OC is actually yours. The misguided notion you have about having an obligation to the interloper in your marriage is quite common. You can read my thread to see some of the h*ll my H has put me through the last 5 years.

Your vows, your obligations are with your W and the COM. Next you work on restoring trust with your BW. Get counseling with the Harley's, you can find the number at the top of the webpage. Get your marriage on track and THEN if the OC is yours, you and your BW together decide if you want contact with the OC. If your W agrees then you get court ordered CS and visitation set up. DO NOT go through the OW, she wants *you*, not a father for her child.

If you do everything out in the open and with your BW included in all decisions and stay NC with the OW, then you may have a shot at recovering your marriage.

If you can, ask your BW to come here.

I forgot to ask you, does your BW have a court ordered CS case open? If not, you need to encourage her to file for child support BEFORE the OW. That way your COM will need be cheated out of his support if the marriage goes south again.

I have been on this site for a while just looking, but I had to sign up 2day when I read this crap! Instead of moving 4ward with the relationship you should have tried to make it right with your wife! then you said "you thought u caused 2 much damage" (u see your thinking is what got you in the trouble in the 1st place. "I decided to try to do the right thing by this baby, and moved forward with my relationship to his/her mother" you should have done right by your wife, thus again you would be in this mess!"But it doesn't feel right for me to abandon this other woman at this point either." Once again, thinking about yourself bcuz of what u have done. You abandoned your wife & your son when u did what you did! & then to go forth? unbelieveable? Who do you owe? you owe your wife everything!!! You are too busy thinking about abandoning this monkey chick & monkey [censored] that you cant see THAT YOUR FAMILY COMES FIRST!!! IN THE BIBLE IS READS NOTHING COMES B4 YOUR WIFE OH THATS RIGHT YOU DONT READ THE BIBLE, CUZ IF YOU HAD YOU WOULDNT HAVE SLEPT WITH ANOTHER WOMAN & GOT HER PREGNANT! Wayward man like u are sickning.

Oystergirl,

I agree that this WH does deserve some serious :twobyfour:
He did cheat
He did betray his wife, his vows, his family, and and his boundaries.
His loyalties are/have been misplaced.
All true...

But he does have a chance to make amends since his BW seems to be open to the possibility. He needs to fully come clean to her in genuine remorse and repentance. He needs to go to complete and permanent NC with the OW. But, he also does have paternal (legal and otherwise) obligations to the child he fathered with her. The child is innocent in all this. What a mess!

One other thing: seems like you signed up to berate this (admittedly fallen) man for his acts (and they are despicable as we agree). Before you fall head first into the "all men are pigs" trap, you should consider (and already know from lurking here on MB) that there are thousands of similar examples of such vile conduct from WOMEN here.

Women who cheated, betrayed, abandoned, and sold out
Women who forgot all about THEIR obligations and loyalties
Women who twistedly used "God" and the Bible to rationalize their own affairs.

I know. I lived it as a BH. My (now) xWW told me "God wants me to be happy (with OM)", "Yes, I meant my vows to you--to a certain extent!", and dragged her completely non-spiritual POSOM with her to church in a vain attempt to buy pennace for her adultery and betrayal.

Sadly, disgusting conduct like this is not confined to the male gender...

On the other hand, it is rather surprising to see a thread title that asks "which path does God want me to choose?" from a man who abandoned his family, committed adultery and now has another child on the way.

And the best part is that, suddenly, he wants to do right by the adulteress and her child.

The answer to that question is pretty simple:
He made a vow before God to "forsake all others till death do us part..."

I think we can all agree that there is NO AMBIGUITY in that vow nor is there any in the Biblical admonition: "Thou shall not commit adultery."

The path that God wants him to choose is clear and has always been so. He has seriously strayed from it and now must get back on it.

As for "doing right by the adulteress and her child", that is a two-part issue. He should and must do right (legally & emotionally) by the child because he/she is HIS CHILD TOO. He owes the adulteress nothing and should offer her nothing. That is reserved for his WIFE.

I'm on the same page as you are B. :RollieEyes:

SDCWman - My sons' father had an OC. And believe me, she was part of our family. But I made the mistake of not insisting that things be done legally. So, the OW took the child away when she was 8 to live with her latest love.

We lost contact with the OC for 20 years, but 2 years ago, she found my son on MySpace.

My sons' father died without ever being reunited with her. So sad.

In the last 2 years my sons have enjoyed a wonderful relationship with their sister. They talk daily, email, and fly back and forth to visit.

So the poster needs to follow FF's advice, get things done legally, have no contact with the OW, and only with the child, with his wife and him as teammates.

He also needs to get back into church so that he doesn't have to question which path God wants him to choose.

SDCWman,


I hear you, I havent fallen for the trap that all men are pigs just the ones who do stuff like this or do bad stuff to people in general. I know that there are bad women on here that have probably done just as bad or worse they would be pigs as well. Trust me, women are not innocent there are some true skanks out there. I didnt berate him just because he cheated & fathered a child outside of the marriage. It is the gall that instead of taking a chance to "DO THE RIGHT THING" with his wife he chose a monkey.

Where was the moral obligation when he was on his back? If he wants to work out his marriage there should be NC?OW&OC.That is if he wants to work his marriage out. Because they caused the pain to others around them without thinking. As for him doing anything for the oc I look @ it like this everyone get a piece of the PAIN PIE. Was the wife not innocent? Maybe that is his & her cross to bear & a reminder dont sleep around when you are married & dont sleep with a married man (or woman whatever the story is). For the oc no daddy & for her raise it by yourself & deal with it! When you sleep with anyone in this day & age whether you are married or not it could lead to pregnancy.

Where was his "right thing to do" when the monkey could have had a STD? He wasnt protecting himself or his wife.This person is not a child, he should have known better. He should have known better.

And yes I do agaree with you quote 139% "Sadly, disgusting conduct like this is not confined to the male gender...

"As for him doing anything for the oc I look @ it like this everyone get a piece of the PAIN PIE."

Wow, pretty cynical....................

It seems we are in virtual complete agreement...believe me, I am NOT defending what this WH did. He must make full restitution to his BW in sincerity, remorse, and repentance. He must go to perpetual NC with the OW and place his full loyalty with his wife and family.

My only quibble might be with regard to the child--although conceived in the worst of possible circumstances, the child is INNOCENT and the child is also HIS as well. It seems like you are saying "tough [censored]" not only to the OW (appropriately so, I agree) but also to this infant. Yes, this WH could abandon his child completely to be raised fatherless. Yes, he could just write a check once a month for 18 years and wash his hands of him/her. That seems harsh to me.

He could reconcile with his wife, have NC with the OW, and fight for custody of the child (heck, the loser OW may not want the kid anyway). If he and his wife can reconcile their marriage (and I agree the wife has every right to not take him back under any circumstances), I would imagine she would have a lot more respect for her reformed-husband if he shouldered responsibility as a father rather than shirking his obligations to an innocent child.

SDCWman here we go again,


"Yes, he could just write a check once a month for 18 years and wash his hands of him/her. That seems harsh to me." This quote is crazy! this seems harsh to you, but this isnt about you is it?


This one tops the cake!!!

"I would imagine she would have a lot more respect for her reformed-husband if he shouldered responsibility as a father rather than shirking his obligations to an innocent child." [/quote]

What planet are you from? Yes, are some women (very little %) that has the will & the gift to say bring the monkey [censored] home But, But, why would a wife want to look @ a reminder of what her WS has done to her heart, mind & soul & their marraige their family time & time again? What if this wife never had children with her H? Do you really think her needs should be put to the side for a (innocent) yeah right! monkey [censored]? As, I stated the wife was innocent too! Everyone loses something for the acts of people pulling the pants off! What wife (come on now really) would look @ her H & say he is a mighty fine H for bring his money [censored] home to me when I had nothing to do with him being born. That respect crap went out the window when he did what he did!!!

Oyster,

Can you just tone it down a little? We can discuss and even disagree AGREEABLY. There is no need for sanctimonious finger-wagging, condescension, and name-calling. This unfortunate infant is not a "monkey"--he/she is a human being and a child of God who didn't get to choose the dishonorable circumstances under which he/she was conceived and born. If you notice above, other posters here are finding your misplaced belligerence toward this child to be likewise "harsh" and unjustified. Have a heart please!

As for the husband and his adultery, NO ONE is condoning what he did! It was wrong, it was hurtful, it was indefensible, and it has resulted in a huge mess that is HIS problem. We get it! He cannot undo the past; all he can do is make the future better and salvage what he can from this horrible situation. That is (hopefully) why he came here. As confused and messed up as he is, he needs tough love and guidance to do "the right thing", as his thread title suggests.

None of us can speak for his wife. She has been deeply wounded, has been dealt a hand she did not deserve, and has EVERY RIGHT to kick him to curb forever if she chooses. It appears though that she is open to the possibility of reconciliation since she wants to come back home. Yes, it is terribly unfair, but if she desires to stay with this man, she is GOING TO HAVE TO FACE "reminders" of what he did. Those include HIM and HIS CHILD in some format. If she cannot or will not do that, she is better off divorcing him and writing them both out of her life. That is HER decision to make, assuming her BH does the things we have discussed earlier necessary to make reconciliation even a possibility.

P.S. You don't need to convince me that his wife is "innocent" of his affair and deserved far better -- I AM A BETRAYED SPOUSE TOO, remember???

SDCWman,


i know you are a betrayed spouse but you seem to want to fight for the monkey [censored] (yes I said it)!

"There is no need for sanctimonious finger-wagging, condescension, and name-calling.

1st of all, i didnt figger wag, It is what it is!

2nd This unfortunate infant is not a "monkey"--he/she is a human being and a child of God who didn't get to choose the dishonorable circumstances under which he/she was conceived and born. Roll that crap in some sprinkles & call it a doughnut to someone else. Once again it is what it is. & once again neither did his wife have the choice.

3rd It appears though that she is open to the possibility of reconciliation since she wants to come back home. Just because she wants to come home doesnt mean that she wants anything thing to do with "it". (is that better)
Yes, it is terribly unfair, but if she desires to stay with this man, she is GOING TO HAVE TO FACE "reminders" of what he did. Those include HIM and HIS CHILD in some format. The only thing she has to face is what he did & keep her head up high & say NC & go about their family.
4th If she cannot or will not do that, she is better off divorcing him and writing them both out of her life. He should bow down to whatever she wants since she didnt do the crime why should SHE have to do the time? He didnt honor his vows so now he should honor whatever her wishes our now!

5th If you notice above, other posters here are finding your misplaced belligerence toward this child to be likewise "harsh" and unjustified. I have a right to an opinion just like everyone else here. & I have read some (harsh crap on here). I dont feel & wont babysit or sugar coat for anyone. No one here makes me or breaks me. You & (if there are others) are the ones being judgemental... dont cha think? I was told about you all. I really think you & (whoever these others are) are really acting self rightous instead of someone having their opinion.

it's not cynical, just reality. He wasnt worried & neither was she about anything or anyone. So let them keep doing the same thing

1) This is a finger-wag...pretty self-explanatory

2) No, his wife didn't have a choice in the OC's conception and it never should have been possible. I do feel truly sorry for her. She DOES have a choice in what she does now. She can have nothing to do with all of it by getting a divorce OR she can accept that this child is going to be involved in their lives somehow if she decides to reconcile. Unless the OW flees the scene and requests nothing (unlikely), this guy is going to be looking at paying 18 years worth of support at a minimum and probably having partial custody/visitation rights unless he relinquishes them. That thorny issue is up to THEM to negotiate should he and his wife reconcile. You seem to act like he should throw this poor kid off a bridge and that he alone can decide what happens. Sorry, that is morally indefensible and legally inaccurate. He has a legal requirement to support this child (at a minimum) unless the biological mother releases him from all financial obligations. This child is a HUMAN BEING!

3) The BW can leave him and this whole mess if she wants. If she is going to forever loathe the fact than he (likely) will have financial obligations and custodial expectations toward this OC, she should do it now as divorce will be inevitable otherwise. If she feels as you do, she should DIVORCE...up to her!

4) If her wish is to ignore and deny the fact that his adultery resulted in a child, he cannot legally do that (unless the above unlikely scenario plays out). If he crawls back to his wife and promises to never have anything to do with his OC again, they will likely be soon hit with a paternity suit requesting child support. Hello??? That train sadly left the station 9+ months ago...

5) You are a very angry and vengeful person. We all know this guy messed up badly and created a terrible dilemma in the process. Whether this man's wife decides to cut all ties to him or to renew their marriage (despite all the obvious difficulties and entanglements), I hope she is wise enough to contain her hurt and disgust to HIM & the OW (the adulterers) and not to this infant who has never hurt anyone and the law demands be supported. Believe me, I sympathize with her hurts and violation...I pray they both make wise choices for the long-term, whatever they decide.

Now, lets just drop it unless the original poster asks for further advice, shall we?

Thank you, everyone, for sharing your thoughts about my situation. I know what a monster I was, am. Sugarcoating all of your advice and thoughts would have made your words less true. I have enough people around me saying whatever I want to hear, trying to make me feel better about myself. That’s why I came here, I need guidance that isn’t watered down by a desire to “cheer me up”. I am thankful to each of you for taking time out of your life to give your advice and perspectives to this undeserving stranger.

I’ll try to answer some of the questions everyone asked, and add whatever additional information I can think of to further clarify my situation. I’ll start by saying that over the last day or 2, my wife has become less sure that she wants to come home. Her feelings and emotions change so severely, sometimes minute to minute. She can’t help it and I don’t say that to criticize. But she is obviously in so much pain that she isn’t sure what she wants yet. I will do anything in my power to repent and rebuild my marriage...including completely forsaking the OW and working out whatever arrangement for my role in this child’s life that we can all live with.

But if my marriage is over, it feels so wrong for me to abandon the OW, leaving her heart broken, terrified, and alone to raise this child. Is my reasoning here wrong? I do believe that God does desire that I do that in order to reconcile with my wife...but if my marriage is over, would He really desire me to deny the OW and our child my best efforts to love and support them? I could definitely use any thoughts or advise on this one!

I was just thinking back to the day I confessed everything to my wife. I was convinced that I had prepared myself for her best possible reaction, her worst possible reaction, and every variation in between. I thought that even if she could have forgiven my infidelity, there was no way she would be able to come to terms with the OW being pregnant with my child! I hadn’t even considered the possibility she would even want to try...and in the shock of this unexpected hope that now seemed to exist, I was overwhelmed with paralyzing feelings of shame, guilt and confusion as it dawned on me my wife wasn’t going to make this decision for me.

I tried to tell my wife how I was in awe of her unwavering love for me – I tried to confess that I have never been worthy of her devotion – and I tried to promise her I would spend the rest of our lives trying to earn the faith she is willing to put in this cruel, selfish man. Even though I said the right words, my feelings of shame and guilt so consumed me that they were like barriers around my heart, preventing my wife from feeling close enough to me to trust it. A few weeks after I confessed, she told me she wanted a divorce, took our son and moved 3000 miles away, got a full time job, and signed a one year lease for an apartment. She was sure in her decision to seek a divorce, I had to accept it and try to figure out the right way to move forward.

Oh, and to answer your question about support...I have been voluntarily paying more than it appears I would be ordered to pay by a court. But I had already begun wondering about the same issues you mentioned, and met with an attorney last week. There are several variables to consider and just wanted to let you know that while there is no court order yet, I am working on it, wanting to do whatever will best protect the financial security of my wife and son.

Sorry I’m all over the map tonight. I am an open book...I accept whatever harsh characterizations you need to point out...and I will answer any questions I can.

Goodnight group,
C

I think God may want to give you a good shake and telling off and then some!

If you can betray the woman who is your world so spectacularly what makes you think you can do a better job with the woman who you say means nothing to you?

If you had any b*lls and were genuinely sorry you would leave the OW rent a place of your own and have some quality alone time and counselling to find out why you are such a screw up.

As much as I dislike OW in general I think it is pathetic that you say you want to stay with her to help her out and for the sake of the child not because you love her - really you want to stay with her because you can't be bothered to find your own place and you want the perks of a woman running around after you boosting your ego because she's just so happy and grateful you 'chose' her. You stay with a woman for those reasons and you've ruined the childs life before you've even started.

And if you think your soon to be ex wife will send your child of marriage to see you and the OW while you pretend to play happy families you've got another thing coming.

You know what you should do, you just can't be bothered and have come on here thinking if we berate you then it will assurge some of your guilt. PATHETIC

Please do send your soon to be ex wife this way, i would to support her in kicking your a** to the curb