No problem.

The Democratic Socialist Republic of California is a tought nut to crack, as their laws are very messed up. But since your wife is out of the country and will be for a few years, as you have stated, this is the BEST time to get this done. Do not wait until she returns and gets on equal footing!!

As I have said before, you may be able to save your marriage, if you want to! Just Learning has it exactly right.

But for now, no matter if yo uwant to save it or not, you must first shore up your position and get all of the cards in your favor. Your wife, as mine did, has given yo ua golden opportunity.

Do not miss out on it!

And we are similar more than you know. My wife left the kids with me while she went to an apartment so she could be with the Troll (OM) fulltime AND finish nursing school (see, very similar to your wife!).

In the great Commonwealth of Virginia, the law says that is abandonment. So, when she expected me to just sit there, let her finish and then she could waltz back in and reclaim everything and ride off in the sunset with the Troll, she was rudely awakened by reality.

Two weeks before we went to our first custody hearing, she said that I should be under no illusion that I was going to get custody...that the judge would not take the children away from their mother.

Two weeks later, I had primary custody and she was paying me child support!!

Now, in the end, it was the kids (as Steve Harley counseled me) that was the catalyst for her coming home. It is why Dr. Harley advises most marriages that dont have kids to probably go ahead and divorce...but those that do, have a good chance to make it if we do the right things.

It is that tie that she cannot break, no matter how hard she tries!!

Just Learning laid it out in his last post. If you can do those things, as with what happened with me, your wife (not WW!!) may just return in the end and you have a chance to get the marriage you both were supposed to have.

Ok california I am from california and I have a girlfriend who just went through a very similar stitch except her husband just disappeared. Took off from sacramento...3 days later he abandonded there truck at a nissan dealership in san diego and hasn't been seen since.

First thing I told her was to seek custody on grounds of abandonment. I know there was a wait limit. I would definatly consult a lawyer on this.

Now you need to be prepaired that once she is served over there. You will get hell and brimstone from her and she may even high tail it back to the states.

You need to remain strong my friend. You are in for an emotionally charged roller coaster ride.

Start keeping a journal. Record all interactions with your ww. And also with your son. Everything. Make it specific, dated and detailed. Your atty should be able to advise what he wants to see in it.

You will be claiming abandonment. The wait in CA is, I think, 27 days. The journal can be strong evidence in a custody hearing.

If you don't already keep one, back date it and start with an entry about when she left. And when you discovered OM.

Don’t try to read her mind in it either. Just the facts, man, just the facts. Like record that you know she really left for OM and the rest is all egregious lies. Make sure that gets in there.

Although, when you are reflecting on yourself and your son, cry all over the pages all you want. The more angst in it the better.

You may not be able to state there is an OM openly in a CA D proceeding (a no fault state), but your thoughts about the truth of it sure can be in your journal, and in excruciating detail too.

The journal will be read by the guardian ad litem (if you have a good atty).

PS: Journaling helps you sort through your feelings too.

PPS: You may have written this and I missed it, take your son to a child physiologist. One who will testify your son needs you, not a runaway adultery besotted ho.

Any suggestions about dealing with the anger? I am in therapy but early stages. I'm not at a point where I want to hurt furry little animals but it is affecting me and I'm sure my moods affect my son. There are some dents in the walls and some broken dishes...

Cheers guys
And thanks! I'll be around...

Me, BS - 40
Her, WS - 36
Son - 8 yrs

Separated, NC
Filing for divorce
consulting lawyer

The anger stage is much darker than breaking dishes and putting holes in walls. That's the easy stuff to deal with.

But therapy is critical for helping you deal with the anger. There's ways to deal with it and it starts with "thought stopping" techniques.

You must recognize the bad thought and stop it. For example:

"If I ever see OM I will take this golf club and make him eat it!"

What do you do?

Tell yourself, "Ok. Can't do that. My son needs me in his life and not in jail. Must go run 3 miles to get this energy and anger out."

Buy a punching bag.

Get a blood pressure monitor and take your BP when you feel that anger. The results alone will be enough to show you that you need to do something to calm yourself.

The anger is normal. The thoughts of anger are normal. Acting on them is not.

And you must be especially guarded against displacing that anger on your son.

He might do normal kid stuff and the next thing you know you're yelling at him over what is really a normal thing. You have to be very conscious of the fact that you have a short fuse over all this stuff and almost go in the other direction with it and speak to your son softly at all times to keep that anger from being displaced on him.

It takes a real conscious effort to stay on top of your anger and keep it from controlling you.

Stop and think when you're angry. You are literally not thinking when you feel anger. The parts of your brain that handle rational thoughts are almost shut down when you feel anger. It's part of the fight or flight response. So you MUST find a way to get that anger under control.

Talk to your therapist about thought stopping and techniques to do it.