Based only upon my husband, I would have to say not less intelligent, but definitely less focused, more inclined to forget things, to be less "with-it".

It's a natural consequence of shock that should dissipate with time. Be patient with yourself. Has it been two years yet? People say that it takes a BS two years to recover. It is my experience - again, based on my husband - that at two years he *began* to heal. The process has seemed to speed up after that 2 year point.

Take care.

Less confident, more forgetful, less interested in keeping up with whatever.

Shoot, completely incapacitated for a long, long time.

huh?

Now you have me confused...why the huh?

chrysalis,

I think that was a joke.


Miss M

Dear W2,

I'm British. In Britain "pants" means "knickers".

Please try reading your post as British person would, and then tell me you did not do what I thought you did! You kept running your hands over them? Your boss might have noticed?? You browsed online for new ones - at work???

Krazy,

Since the first Dday (July '05) I have suffered a great deal of memory loss and have found it more difficult to focus and to retain information. From what I've read, PTSD can cause much of this. I've heard some say that the memory loss can be permanent but that the focus comes back in time.

I find it amazing that I was able to function at all, that first year after Dday. Luckily, my boss and supervisor were understanding and cut me some slack.

I've started keeping lists and carrying key information on a project with me, so that I can refer to them regularly. I NEVER had to do this before.

I'll go to the supermarket with TWO specific items that I need for whatever concoction I'm cooking up that evening, and find myself standing in the middle of an aisle trying to remember what that second thing was. TWO THINGS!!! Ugh!

So, in answer to your question, no, infidelity does not make you less intelligent, it just makes you forgetful and unfocused.

WELLLLL Sugar, I am not sure if we are talking about the same thing or not.

By pants, I mean slacks, outerwear. I am wondering if you think I am talking about....er....(blush, blush ), uh...(spoken in a whisper), underpants?????

Actually, if you are, I have worn THOSE inside out MANY times since D-Day. But I promise you, my boss would NEVER have known!!!!(Even though he IS gay and could probably be trusted!!!!!!!)

Amazing how we speak the same language and somehow the words don't come out the same isn't it??? lolololol

...and completely without my formerly stunning sense of humor.

For the past 3 years, since discovery, I kust have locked myself out of my car six times. And, I can never remember where I parked.
I got publicly reprimanded for forgetting to pay my licensing fee, after 23 years of practice without a glitch. This stuff sucks.

Oh thank God, its not just me.

Since D-day, I have felt like my brain fell out along with my mind.
I have a lack of focus, can't settle to a task, my boss should have fired me months ago, but he actually likes me and I do function mostly adquately.
Lack of interest...I cant wait to finish up at my job, a job that 2 months before D-day I told everyone was my 'dream job'.
I cant be bothered with things...housework, detail, most people. Loss of fear, I used to be almost neurotic, now I dont care
Loss of memory..I have fogotton twice that I have put the bike on reserve and run out of gas, supermarket shopping is a joke, bills go unpaid, appointments are missed, and I DO write Lists and notes on the calender...then forget to take the list or look at the calender :RollieEyes:

I used to be smart!!!! *wail*

You're not.

I've lost all appetite for work. Sometimes I feel like just going home, curling up in a corner and just waiting for the end, whatever that "end" might be. Sometimes I leave work early, to just go home and lie in bed.

Well, at least I didn't wear my slacks inside-out (that's some achievement - how do you work the zipper?)

D-Day for me was May 2005.

This post is a stunning list of the impact of infidelity on the BS.

Personally, as I was reading it, I thought of my 8 month old crawling and falling down 12 steps to cement. It was the day after my husband admitted to me he had had coffee with this woman who had propositioned him six months before. It would be 8 more months before an affair was admitted.

To this day, I am so very grateful to our pediatrician. I had her into the doctor immediately, he spent time pressing on her bones, and his comments were: "She's giggling. That's a good sign." and "You were lucky."

Yes, I know I was lucky. Tears are welling up in my eyes as I think about it. We could have lost that child, or she could have suffered permanent brain damage.

Yes, an affair is so stressful that you lose things or get distracted. I would suspect that countless car accidents have occurred due to infidelity because I had several close calls, including one in which I was almost sideswiped when I had all four kids in the car.

Accept your limitations. I might also recommend taking the one day planner class with Franklin Covey. If you write things down, it can help.

Cherished

Well, during my husband's affairs, I managed to get fired from TWO jobs. I'd never been fired before in my life!

My job requires GREAT attention to detail (legal) and I still have trouble focusing sometimes. I've lost my zeal for the work- it just doesn't seem that important anymore in the scheme of things. I'm still good at what I do, I just don't have my heart in it.

I'm very forgetful (could be age) but it seems like if I'm not interested, I just forget it.

My marriage is good now but I find myself not as invested (defense mechanism?) as I was pre-A. Before, I believed in star-gazing, heart thumping, short of breath romance, now not so much anymore, even though we have some romantic times. But honestly, if he did it again, I'd be okay alone. Pre-A, that thought terrified me. Yep, something snapped in me too.

Those care-free, devil-may-care, days of laughter and fun are gone. I'm way more serious than I used to be.

D-day for me was 11/02.

Same here. My job requires attention to detail but I can't focus like I used too. I might give myself a pep talk mentally when I have to tackle a project but at best it will last for one or two days if I'm lucky. I don't ask clients too many questions any more because I usually start zoning out in the middle of the conversation. I see their mouths moving but don't digest anything they are saying. Email has saved me. I can't rely on my memory anymore.

Infidelity causes ADD!!

My boss probably wonders WTH happened to me this past year. Still making stupid mistakes and turning in things at the last minute. I just don't care anymore and don't feel the pride in my work that I once had. Some days I wish I'd get fired and wouldn't have to deal with my job.

Something does snap in the BS on Dday. Then the trickle truth crushes it.

Krazy,

You're not alone. I still feel like I'm living in a haze where all the days blend together. Pre D-day I was the man with the plan. I was the most carefree happy-go-lucky guy you would ever meet. I was the king of "just let it go" and nothing rattled me. I was at the top of my game and over 1,000,000 people a month visited the websites I created. Today, they don't get 5% of the traffic they used to. I've missed paying hosting fees and almost lost a site because I forgot to renew the domain name. Today, the desire that once drove me to make my business a success is just gone. After being taken for granted because of it, I just can't seem to find the passion I once felt about it. I'm trying to recapture it, but it is not EASY!

I agree with everyone else that it is just a lack of focus. When your mind is constantly battling A related issues of one form or another there just isn't enough space left to focus on little details. Also, I've noticed that making decisions has become a battle too. I no longer trust my instincts at all. Now, I over analyze even the simplest choices worried about the potential outcome of the decision. That was an issue pre d-day and now it has increased 10 fold. Heck, I have a hard time deciding what I want for lunch!

You're right though something did snap on D-day. The vision of what we thought our life would be died. It didn't just die either, it was thrown away by the person we trusted most of all. In my case, the only person I trusted. The person I had completely devoted my life to. So, trying to reconcile that against our beliefs and values becomes a mental marathon. It's just part of the gig. Like they say, recovery ain't for wimps and it's the gift that keeps on giving.

So yeah, basically, my give a chit is broken. Hopefully, it's not permanent.



Wait.......what was the question again?



Want2Stay

Thanks for all the responses.

My thread was poorly titled, I suppose. I knew I couldn't be getting "dumber", but it sure feels that way when you get reamed at work for making a stupid mistake, or when people are staring at you as you try to come up with a simple word to finish your sentence.

I'd expect this stuff to be happening 3 months after d-day, but 2.5 years? I guess I need to learn to function with my new brain.

UGH! I have this same problem too. I feel like such a doofus when I can't find that one dang word.

Great thread, totally agree with and can relate to what everyone has said.

I don't feel 'grounded'.

Within 5 months of D-Day, I accidently put gas in our diesel car ... twice, very very bad mistake

I certainly feel dumber. Aside from memory loss (which is MAJOR), I'm horrible now at writing. Sometimes I am embarrassed by my posts. Commas in the wrong spot, words misspelled, using their for there, or your for you're. Before the A I'd have trouble reading certain authors because I would catch all of their grammatic or punctuation mistakes.

Part of my current job is proofing - I can't believe what I miss and someone else catches now.

The memory loss has been the most difficult and has cost me the most. Prior to the A I was taking drafting classes - I had straight A's and throroughly enjoyed the challenge of these classes.

Then D-day came. I had two classes left to obtain my diploma in this field.

I suspended the classes as I was an absolute mess - I couldn't plan what to have for dinner, let alone develop electronic drawings.

This last fall, I took the 1st class of the two I needed to finish. I flunked it. Flunked. I have never flunked a class in my life.

That class, as they normally due do (see?), built on all the classes I had taken previously. NONE of the info from those classes remained in my head. I had NOTHING to build from.

I couldn't even BEGIN some of the drawings. Then, everytime I opened the laptop to work on a drawing, I would get an incredible migraine.

I know my brain took a hit - and I don't know how to recapture some of what I lost.

And this is 2.5 years after D-Day.