Or he's hungry.

"huh, she didn't respond. What the...!?!?!"

PPPppfffffttttt hahahahahahaaaa!!

Boys!

Julie, I have been following your sitch.

Snoop about OW. With son younger you do not want him to be exposed to some loser that you don't know anything about.

Check the phone records and drive by -- but detach. It is not for you it is for the kids. My H is serving me with papers (if they can catch me), but when I get them I am charging him with adultery and my D15 is requesting that visitation will be without OW. You need to know what you are up against.

Is your H allergic to any type of food, if so invite him to lunch and serve it to him.

hope, thanks for your input.

I don't think I have that kind of time! I definitely don't have that kind of vengence.

I'm still thinking on how I'll pose this question to him. But I'm not going to drive & snoop.

Julie - silence was a great response to the lunch invitation.

You are in control of the divorce decree. You can easily thwart his OW potential around your children by having it drafted into the decree that there will be no overnights with OW while he has visitation with the children.

After he signs everything then I'd be inclined to send him a Plan B/D letter stating that you could never be friends with someone who ditches his responsibilities and allegiance to a family he professes to love for the occasional bottle and you will not be friends. Use the "being friends after alcohol, cheating and divorce are like the dog dying and you mom saying you can keep it anyway." No thanks!

Thanks for your post, KA. You all have no idea how much your support and encouragement here have meant to me. Peace has become me again and I can only gather that is what you feel when what you're doing is RIGHT.

You know, I don't know if there's an OW or not and you all know how I value your input. At the same time, I'm struggling with this. No, I will not snoop, I will not check phone records and I will not drive around the area in which he now resides. The "obsessed with an ex" comes to mind when I see these suggestions. I will NOT be obsessed with him or what he does.

But, I must protect my kids. But, there really are some things I just cannot protect them from. I will be their sounding board, their safe place, their soft landing, but I simply cannot prevent everything I wish I could. There seems to be a fine line between protecting the kids & trying to control STBXH.

For instance, DD12's bio dad, who has lived out of state for 6+ yrs now & rarely sees her, has ALWAYS had other girlfriends who he freely brought around DD12 when he made time to include her. DD12 has NEVER been #1 woman in her bio dad's life. This always bothered me but never did I try to control him or force him to make her more of a priority. On one hand, I feld DD was better off w/o his influence, and on the other I've been wandering around a bit clueless in life for the past, OH, 31 years!

So, I could write STBXH a letter but he'd see it as an emotional attachment type of thing, so I'll opt to not. I could write something like "no sleepovers" into the divorce decree but he'd see that as "see!? You're still trying to control me" While I'm at it, I might as well write his vasectomy into the decree - that's what concerns me most!

Anyway, don't you think it's best I just keep the kids talking, let them know (still) the difference between right & wrong, and let STBXH make whatever decisions he likes? What I WILL write into the divorce decree is NO DRINKING, NO DRUGS around MY KIDS. Absolutely. But the rest, well, I can't really prevent it anyway!

I'm sad that DD has always been second best, at best, to her bio dad & it especially bothered me that when he'd come around he was this great novelty while I was mean-mom. Yet, now, at 12, she refuses to take his phone calls. She's had it with him. So, kids tend to figure this stuff out & see things for what they are.

I don't know how much intervention here is too much. Or, too little. Thoughts?

I remember his stinky ways with your dd.

I'd be subtle here - talk with the kids and teach them right from wrong.

But I'd make sure that your kids don't have to be around a co-habitating juvenile man. That you can do with something as simple as a divorce decree stipulation - that neither of you have love interests staying overnight while children are present.

That's where you protect your children, then keep them talking with you.

Got it. I added the stipulation(s).

I did have a "but what if..!?" moment, but then I shut up and put it in there. I'll also add this to the documents we drew up ourselves & have him sign. That will be good.

Do you know STBXH & I "dated" this summer? It was while he tried to "warm me up" to the idea of taking him back. Bad boundary on my part, I know. But, dating was fun. I can't wait to try it again - with a MAN someday!!

Welp, DS went with STBXH for the weekend. He was reminded of the NO drinking, NO drugs policy. Then I called STBXH and reminded him of the NO drinking, NO drugs policy. I said, "and...you don't live alone?" He said, "Yea, I've got my own place" Who knows. DS said STBXH has 2 bedrooms. Last year all he could afford was 1. Now he's in a more expenseive county & he's got a car payment and an extra bedroom. Still seems unlikely but this I will not obsess over. Sometimes DS doesn't know what he's talking about!

DD is a little bit sulky. I don't think she's upset, but it's hard on her. We are going for Fish Fry now & then some shopping.

It randomly occurred to me today that me getting a puppy right now, which I pretty much plan on doing, is SO typical ME. Basically, it's another co-dependent relationship! He NEEDS me. And I CAN'T do this-or-that because I have a PUPPY - don't you know?!?!?!?!

Thing is, I'm 99% sure I'm doing it anyway. I feel now more than ever like I need a guard dog being the sole protector of the home from here on out, it's something STBXH & I never saw eye to eye on, and well there are several other justifications. No rush.

I'm doing SO MUCH soul searching lately!!

Hey!

I am at peace.

(In case anybody was wondering)

Still at peace here.

But, my kids aren't!

They both had rough days at school today. Spoke with DS9's teacher & had a message from DD12's. Both being rude, disruptive, disrespectful.

At home, when we had a chance to talk, separately, they both told me they blame me!

DS: "Well I am mad at you...you kicked dad out!"
DD: "What did you expect? You let him back here, you let him fail, then you let him leave!"

Yikes! OK, I deserved that. They are not stupid. And, they're allowed to have bad days. They're also allowed to be mad at me. I know they lash out at me because they know they're safe with ME. I'll take it.

Ouchie though. Both in the same day. Tomorrow's bound to be better.

I am glad you are feeling some PEACE. I think its good for your kids to see you doing something like this. It will be hard on them, but I think it would be so much harder for them witness such a dreadful situation. Good job, Julie!

Thanks, Mel.

Interesting: last night, while DS9 was "opening up" to me more than he has in a long while, and as he's sobbing, he said to me, "I just want dad back home" - - - and I know he does. OH, how I know he does. He idolizes his dad so much, and my heart aches for him as his heart breaks. It is so hard to hold back tears of my own, but I said (in a fairly nice, understanding tone) "Dad cannot come back here. We're not doing this anymore. He is no longer welcome here. There is NO coming back" Anyway what's so interesting is that I MEANT it. I felt it, I breathed it, I WAS it - no coming back.

Also interesting: in my recent state of soul searching/realization of all things foolish, crazy, codependent, abusive, bad, immature, door-mat-ish, and stupid, I'm seeing so much around me, so very clearly. An example is 2 vacations - a girl I work with, newly married the 2nd time & in her 40s just returned from a beautiful tropical vacation w/her husband. She shared pictures, stories, and joy. Truly happy for her, I thought to myself, "I can have this!" And I can. I couldn't before, as STBXH had a MILLION excuses for our never-vacationing lifestyle, but I can now! And I look forward to fulfilling that idea.

Comparitively - my parents flew to AZ yesterday. They're planning to eventually retire there. They've got a lot & a house & things are getting set up. They'll be there 2 wks & will gradually spend more time each winter till they live there permanently. My mom called to make sure I had the house key, knew where the cat food was, and all other instructions to keep watch in their absence. The whole time she's telling me about her impending flights & the plans they've got while there, I thought to myself, "What a shame! She's going to be stuck in a beautiful place with family & friends with my DAD - how unfortunate they have to spend their vacation together!"

Quite the contrast, eh? Thank GOD I'm no longer headed down that path. Whew! It's like I can take a deep breath & sigh of relief. Really, something amazing is happening within me. I am so grateful!!

Hey Julie!

You sound like you are starting to 'get it'!!! That's great. I think you are doing a good job. Keep learning about yourself and work on those things that need to be worked on. Keep being the best mother you can be. Your future is bright!

Mindshare

How about a bit of advice for your favorite slow learner?

Too little too late - I'd been meaning to get feedback on this & then address it for a while, but now...

I just heard DD12 tell STBXH via phone about her performance this weekend. I'm a little irritated. It seems to me he said he'd be there. Thing is, and she knows this, she's not really "in contact" with him so I don't know if she felt cornered or wishful or what. Anyway, had I been better prepared she could have also been prepared as these things are bound to come up.

So, I don't care to see him. Do I miss the performance then? But I worry then that he'll corner her...or not, but that either way seeing him will be hard on her. I don't know. I should have addressed this already and now I have to back-track.

DS has some stuff coming up too that I'm sure STBXH won't want to miss. But, we are not a family - he won't be sitting with us, and it's not fair to the kids if they have to choose who they sit with, me or him. And it would be pretty blatant if he brought somebody - anybody - with him.

Help?

Does she feel intimidated by him?

No.

??

I Know there are divorced/separated/Plan B people on this board who have dealt with this very issue. Help a sister out?



To re-cap, the issue is: kids' events/performances/etc.

Hello?? Is this thing on?

Is it April Fools Day? I know it's not GROUNDHOG DAY.

Lil Sis had a strategy for volunteering back stage or behind the scenes - she'd encourage her son that wasn't performing/competing to sit by Dad and she'd stay out of sight and focus on the performer and ignore her x.

Be careful about any hint of pulling your children away from him. My family played "host" to my sister's best friend because her parents played the game of "if you're with him/her, you don't love me" and she wouldn't choose. It shattered the children to go through that.