It's HER uncle, so like you said, they are not on my side no matter how much they told her to stop what she was doing. I will try the home number of the uncle once it gets to a decent hour.

And if its necessary for me to drive down there becuse it didn't work...oh well...its on the Pacific Coast, i'll go reflect on my tiring and emotionally exhausting day by sitting on the beach listening to the calming sound of waves.

Ok. Has WW folks not got any numbers?

They would have the uncle's cell phone. My only concern is that:
1. They won't give it to me
2. If they do, they will tip WW off and that might sabotage the effectiveness.

Should I still ask the parents?

BZZZZT! Wrong! You have NO WAY of knowing this unless they told you to your face to let her have her affair. Many family members will tear their own apart for doing such a thing.

Who else can you tell? Doesn't she have any friends?

I would have given anything to have had my exww show her true colors BEFORE I had kids with her than after I did.

You're not going to want to hear this, but a woman who cheats so early in a marriage shows that she has no concept of the sanctity of vows, a promise to God, and is not worthy of your love and attention.

You must expose to OMW. You have enough information to use internet services and reverse phone lookup to get the information you need. You could find the uncle through the same means. Some services will give you tons of info on someone with just a name and a state.

A private eye can get you info quickly too and they aren't that expensive if you're just getting contact info.

A fair warning:

Expect an EXPLOSION of anger from her. She'll tell you that your marriage had a chance and that you just blew it. She'll say that she can't trust you. She'll say that you ruined everything.

Expect it. It's a typical reaction.

And I understand that you love her very much, but you met when you were just children. She probably had fairytale visions in her head about what marriage would be like and doesn't comprehend the fact that marriage is work, takes work, and requires a committment to keep it going. But she has her ideas of what love is supposed to be like and is making the mistaken assumption that the honeymoon phase of the first few years of a relationship is how long it's supposed to last.

You are setting yourself up for MASSIVE pain down the road when this woman cheats again and you have children in the picture.

Trust me when I tell you that your pain right now pales in comparison to the pain you will feel when you have a confused toddler not understanding why they can't see you more.

You are very young and there are TONS of awesome women out in the dating world.

Dump the broken one who doesn't value vows or marriage and find one who does.

I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell us how wonderful she was before all of this. Trust me, she's showing her true colors right now.

Expose to OM's W and drop this woman like a hot potato. You will look back on doing so and not have a single regret about it because of the pain you have saved yourself from.

Short of her having some massive change in her personality and values, you will not be able to fix this woman. She's totally broken and the fact that she did this so shortly into your marriage shows that.

You were children when you met. You don't know better because you haven't experienced better. It's like this: If the only care you ever drove was a Pinto, you'd think the Pinto was the best car there was. But if you ever drove a Ferrari you'd know that the Pinto wasn't all that great.

You've been driving a Pinto for 6 years, my friend. Trust me when I tell you that there are many Ferraris out in the world. And Mercedes, and BMWs, etc....

Dazed, sorry that you find yourself here but there is much good information.

2 sources www.infospace.com you can do a people search and scroll down and do a reserve phone search. This site sometimes lists unpublished #s..

or go to www.whitepages.com Go to reverse lookup. you can put an address and then when it comes up with the name you can also look up who their neighbors are on the street. Also does reverse phone.

You can also check out "type of business" and put the zip code where uncle's business is and you might get a phone # that way.

Try this first before approaching WW parents because as you said they might alert WW.

Do this without warning. Swoop in. Do not tell your WW that you have told. Believe me she will let you know when OM calls her.

Also go to your doctor for STD testing.

Good luck

Carefully read this. Your WW has no concern for you, only herself and OM. She should be on her knees begging for foregivenss and trying to figure out why she did this, not telling her friends that she does not want to be married.

When you expose to OMW and Uncle and she blows up, tell her that you did not do this. WW and OM brought this on themselves. You are only being honest and letting OMW know what kind of person her H is and your WW uncle what kind of character one of his employees has. You want to be married to this woman but she does not want to be married. Marriage is hard work, commitment, and selfless. You found out early that she is not willing to do any of those 3 things.

P.S. You are not ruining the OM's life, your WW and OM did that. You are only shining the light of truth on their character.

Should I separate finances now? In case of the backlash from the exposure, and she goes ballistic and tries to hurt me financially?

We have one joint card (actually it is my card and an additional user) so if something were to happen and it went to collections it would only hurt me.

Also, what about the joint bank accounts? She as said that if anything happened (i.e. divorce, separation, etc.) she would take care of her half of the house (which we jointly own). Our paychecks go into the joint checking and get take out a small amount for our personal accounts for spending. Then a couple joint savings.

Will freezing her card (that we use for joint expenses) and closing and dividing the joint accounts send her into further rage?

My mistake. I misread it. That makes it harder but certainly not impossible. Like you said, I would not even attempt to go through WW's family to get this information. Exposure needs to be swift and unexpected, before WW can spin the story. Asking her family will reach her before it reaches her uncle.

I would go either the internet lookup route, the PI, or just the drive down there. And please think very carefully about what your goal is regarding your marriage. If you decide to try and save it, you MUST implement a solid plan with boundaries and consequences to crossing those boundaries. If you try to save your marriage, the best thing you can do is to form that plan by counseling with the Harleys.

It undoubtedly will, but if you think its even a slim possibility that she might retaliate like that, you have to take steps to protect yourself.

A BS has, IMO, a right to do just about everything he wants to protect himself, short of humiliating the WS. If things work out, you can set it all back the way it was. If not, you were just reacting to WHAT SHE DID.

If she doesn't like that, too bad. You're only reacting to HER ACTIONS. Quit being afraid of her.

Dazed, register the joint credit card and see the charges. If she is spending wildly then for a temporary quick fix, call say your card is lost and they will cancel both cards and send you a new one with a new #. When she goes to use it and it does not work tell her to apply for her own.

Get to an atty. Ask first if the consultation is free (almost always they are)

Hmm...I'm actually surprised that you haven't taken action to secure your finances already. Strong with this one, the BS-Fog is.

A stranger is now inhabiting your W's body, so you should respond accordingly. Will you enter or continue joint financing arrangements with a stranger, particularly one that's taken action that's to your detriment?

1. Joint card needs to be stopped or cancelled, if you can't remove her name from it.

2. Paycheck should go to your personal account, with an agreed amount going to the joint account to cover joint expenses. In fact, if it's joint expenses like a mortgage, pay have of the mortgage directly rather than via the joint account (so she can't remove that money and use it for other reasons).

Your wife is having an affair. She says she doesn't wish to be married anymore.

Those are enough signs that you must give her what she wants. What do I mean by that?

Take all your money and move it into a separate account she doesn't have access to. Take your check and have it deposited to that account.

Cancel the joint credit card.

Do all of this before you expose.

Let exposure and financial isolation be the "Shock and Awe" of you growing a pair and taking steps to protect yourself and your marriage.

Here's the bottome line: You will treat her like your wife when she begins to act like your wife.

Otherwise she is a threat to your finances and must therefore be cutoff.

If she wants to be on her own, then let her be on her own.

My exww cleaned out my bank account and left me stuck with joint credit card debt that was only hurting my credit to not take care of.

You don't think she would do such a thing? Think again.

Protect yourself immediately.

Take these warnings from people who have been in your situation and were either burned by assuming that the wayward "would never do such a thing" or from those who actually did protect themselves and never regretted doing so.

Will she be ticked? Yes.

That's a consequence to you ruining her fantasy and ability to carry on the affair.

Take action and do it like yesterday.

I have separated all the finances, closed the joint card...and

...as of 5 minutes ago, I just got off the phone with OMW.

I feel relieved that such a large burden is off my back, knowing that I will never feel guilty that I kept this from someone. Thank you to everyone who convinced me to do it.

Here comes the trainwreck....

DandC,

You did a humanitarian thing by informing this OMW of his straying and may have preventing her from getting STDs, having to support an OC, and being made a fool of in general. You have no obligation to be a party to anyone elses dishonesty.

I'm fairly sure the people surrounding Madoff turned a blind eye too.

NJ

DnC

I know this is very hard but GOOD FOR YOU. Your M actually has a chance to recover now should you choose to do so.

Exposure is ruinous to A's. The fantasy bubble bursts and they generally end fairly quickly.

Your W will be MAD. Very very mad. She will likely threaten all kids of nasty things. Hold firm.

Dazed, how did the OMW take it? Was she surprised or did she know? You did her a favor. Hang on tight it will be a wild ride.

Thanks for your support.

Do I wait for WW to find out from OM, or should I tell her tonight?

I'm sure she will find out either tonight or tomorrow depending when OMW drops the bomb on him. At this point they are still in their communication truce, but it will surely break for this.

Props to you, brother.

Remember, she will lash out at you big time. When she does remain calm. As she rants and raves (because she will) remind her that this is a result of HER actions by having an affair.

If she complains that she doesn't have access to the finances, offer her a cookie.

You don't need to explain other than to say, "I will do what I need to to save our marriage. If that doesn't work I will protect myself from your adultery."

She may say something about how you ruined the OM's life.

The answer to that is, "Really? I'm not the one sleeping with her husband or cheating on her. Huh. Nope. Not ruining her life from where I stand."

Remain calm throughout her venom. It's coming and it will be very bad and she will yell about how she can't trust you anymore and how dare you act in this manner and that she never imagined you would stoop so low.

Ignore it all. It's very standard wayward garbage.

And congrats on all your moves. Big kudos to you. Most men are afraid of doing anything to upset their wives despite the fact that it's their wives who are sleeping around on them. Don't understand why, but that's the truth.