First off, let me set the story straight. Before LC and I started dating, the old girlfriend and I had a tragic event that sent a wedge between us. My only reason for contacting her was to apologize for the way I acted and to make sure she was doing okay. Once that occurred she was deleted from further contact. During this time, LC said she was fine with it. We discussed it the day after first contact was made and not before.

Retrospectively, yes it would have been better to discuss it before doing it, but this is something I have needed to do since the event took place and I finally had the courage to move forward with the apology.

It was only today that LC even mentioned how much it bothered her and what she thought of the contact. So for the pain it caused her *I am sorry*, but my motives were truly noble.

For better or worse, LC is my soul mate and is stuck with me and all my imperfections.

Docp

The BUT in that sentence erased everything that went before it.

For the record I would like to say the day I found the info I was not ok with it and expressed that to Docp, apparently he has forgotten this. Not wanting to be the "jealous over-reacting wife" (when I don't generally have issues with jealousy) told him I was fine with it, but he better hurry up and get closure. I also told him it was in his best interest to let the XGF's H know they were in contact. I was actually hoping he would be the one to put and end to it. Yes I am a major wimp. I didn't want to be the bad guy.

This was on Jan 20th (my birthday) and as of this morning none of the above was done. Last night I was thinking about some things I read on the board about protecting your marriage and I was mad that he didn't protect ours, especially after all we have been through. This morning I told him it was incredibly disrespectful to our marriage and why. We had a heated conversation and I told him he had plenty of time to get his closure and enough was enough. I also told him that I tried to be OK with it, but couldn't and was mad at him for even wanting me to be. (yes, my own choice).

Yes, I shared this with Docp before I posted it to refresh his memory.

LC

I agree. Wow. That line of thinking doesn't go along with MB AT ALL ottert.

Hi Docp,

Speaking from experience, the thing is: there really is no such thing as "closure." You might feel better for a little while, but feelings will come back up again. FOM and I had parted with a wedge between us, too, and part of my exchanging emails with him was to apologize, talk about what silly teenagers we were back then, etc.

The surprising "high" of reconnecting (especially if you've been hurting for a long time) wears off, and the temptation to feel it again can be very intense and difficult to resist.

Rose

DocP, I suggest you read this .

Hmmmm, my A was with my ex BF, 30 years later. I also said we had "unfinished business". "To make sure she was doing okay". Whether she is doing okay is no concern of yours. You are married to LC.



ETA: EXACTLY what Rose says. I had no intention of doing anything more than catching up with the OM at our mutual friend's funeral and then just leaving it like that. But, yes, talk about old times, how silly and young we were, the "unfinished business" (which was we had never had SF as teenagers) and it all came flooding back.

DocP,

Even going back to right an old wrong is no excuse for contacting an old girlfriend behind your wife's back.

I hope that you have sincerely apologized to LC for hurting her in this way.

Is there a way that LC can independently verify that you have no further way of being in contact with this person? Your life should be an open book to her, really.

Huh? I never said she deserved it. What are you talking about? Get off my case. Did you even read my post that "floored" you? In case you didn't, I'll pull a quote from it for you that you seemed to miss:


What about me saying what he did was wrong did you not get?

Maybe you also missed my other post in this thread, so I'll pull it for you, too. I stand by every thing I've said.


HERE'S WHAT I SAID ABOUT WHAT DocP DID. Go chew somebody else out.

Yeah, my wife insists her motives were noble in wanting to apologize to her ex, too. I call BS on her and you.

It's also noble to help the poor. But if I steal your money to give to the poor, you won't think it's so noble will you?

Short fuse, eh ottert?

Perhaps I misunderstood you...I inferred from your words of "rich", "ironic" and "crying foul" that you thought that LC somehow "deserved" what she is now going through...Could be that wasn't your implication, and that's all ya had to say...*shrug*

Mrs. W

I'm the one with the short fuse? Now we're talking ironic.

You inferred what I did not imply. It's OK though. I don't want to fight. I actually like to read your posts (except when you're jumping on me, of course) and I always pay attention when I see your screen name in a thread. Lots of wisdom, common sense, experience and genuine care for people come through.

I have been married for 18 months, and my husband refuses to cut contact with an old girlfriend of his. This has been an ongoing conflict in our marriage. He vehemently denies having any feelings for her, as I have asked him countless times and even packed and tried to leave. Each time he asks me to stay and promises that nothing is going on. The ex lives in the next state over but still has ties in our city, so she is at liberty to make the 3 hour trip at any time. The problem is... my husband has gotten a new email that he doesnt think I know about as well as a prepaid phone. I havent confronted him about this information, because Im trying to see where this new method of communication is going to lead. I read an email that he sent to her asking to be back in her life, calling her the love of his life, and saying that he wants to build a future with her. My question is what should i do? I have prayed and tried to ignore what is obviously going on. If I had not read the email I would believe that he was totally in love and committed to our marriage. Should I leave or stay? is this marriage salvagable? Im inclined to believe that he is just a liar and is trying to have his cake and eat it too. Why would he marry me if he were so in love with her? Please help!!!!

Shia-

You really need to start your own thread so you can get the help you need.

That being said, read up on exposure, plan A & plan B.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I am reading about an apology that you have needed to make for 20+ years. Building up the courage has been a slow process, no doubt full of soul searching and what not.

Isn't this info your wife should have been in on?

I am imagining some lofty goal I have dreamed of accomplishing for years and I don't bother to tell my spouse about it until after I have done it. "Hey honey, I have always been afraid of heights and today I went sky diving to beat my fears!"

I need to remember to ask any potential mates about any unfinished business they may have so I can be forewarned.

Thanks again everyone. I asked Docp to keep reading the thread and hope he does.

I would like to add a second part to this. I gave him a little time to think about the posts and then went to talk to him. The sense I got from him was "Fine, it's done. You win." He did not say those words, but what he did say led me to believe that is how he felt. I explained nicely to him that it isn't about winning, it's about both of us knowing we have to protect our marriage at all costs.

I would like others to share with him the importance of working toward a win-win so no one feels like the big loser and builds resentment. I know it's all about POJA, but if anyone can help explain why POJA is so important it would be greatly appreciated.

LC

Hi LC,

Good call using us to persuade H.

"Forgive them, Lord, they know not what they do" !!!! Should be said about anyone who contacts a former high school, college,
or just back in the day sweetheart, especially if they have been intimate with them. It is just a recipe for disaster. I almost died in childbirth having my FWH's child. That seemed to pale in distant memory when he recalled a "tragic event twixt he and the ho". After she started emailing him when he relocated temporarily for a job, all of his youth flashed before him and in his mind he was that little foxy fella he once was, til he had to get his big self up and lumber into the next room!! Why, he started working out, got a trainer, bought the "mid-life crisis" (AKA little red vette) which has since been sold, changed his entire dress code, took up bike riding, and all of a sudden thought I was his worst nightmare.....not yet I wasn't!!

Now listen to this....I busted him on their innoculous emails, and they were. I emailed her, and then I called her on the phone. They were "just friends". (insert the puker if I knew how) . I wasn't told about anything, because "I HAD A PERSONAL PROBLEM WITH THIS PARTICULAR PERSON!!! YES I did She had contacted him 20 yrs earlier, and then, 15 yrs earlier, always getting me on the phone, lying about her identity, and he always told me who she was and what she wanted. DocP was your secret an "abortion of your child" She told you she was PG and you said I ani'n t marrying you I'll pay CS? That was our case, only it took place in a year when AB's weren't legal except in NY an she came from a poor family with a beoken down vehicle. She at long last admitted her lie. BUT, my H lived with it for over 25 yrs.

NO ONE SHOULD EVER CONTACT A FORMER LOVER FOR ANY REASON. You made no vows to this person. To contact her, forsakes your spouse. I am 5 years out and i still will NEVER get over that betrayal. Docp....kick the old flame to the curb and put her out of your head, if she was in your heart, you would have been with her a long time ago n GF

Yes.

18 month into your M and your H is doing that? Walk away, and as quickly as you can. He's not M-material. He's playing both you and the old GF. I'll bet she probably doesn't even know that he's M'd.

I'd also suggest starting your own thread here.