I did, Mark. The same day you wrote it. It was as eloquent, insightful, and wise as ever. Thank you.

(I'm so sorry you went through what you did -- both with the infection and your W's A... You're an amazing person.)

Thank you all. C53, 6YL, Vittoria, Mark, TheRoad, JL, Jim, Ace, TH... Y'all give me a lot to think about while providing strength and encouragement. Not sure what I did to get so lucky to have you guiding me through this. I am indeed blessed.

Danke schon.

L4,

I wasn't looking for sympathy...

I was wondering if you saw that it was what she did for me that led to my being able to heal.

Scars remain.

Reminders live on.

What was lost is gone.

The destruction was total.

It needs to be rebuilt and not just painted over.

Mark

Yes. I understand. How it was what your W did that helped you heal, not what you did. That's what I have to do for my H. That's what I want to do.

BTW... This line especially still makes me tear up -- "And for the wayward spouse it will be seeing the scars, the triggers and the effect they have on the one you betrayed that will give you reason to pause and reflect." This is what breaks my heart. Seeing my H hurt because of my thoughtlessness that I cannot change. I can only help him heal, knowing the scar will always be there, because of me.

And this is why you have so many people trying to help and giving you encouragement, L4. You've owned what is yours and feel sorrow for it. Many WS never reach tha point. You ARE special.

Mark

Between your mallet and Pepperband's tool shed, I'll get it into my head one way or another.

I do know why you do it. And I'm grateful. Back atcha.

Thank you, Mark.

The anniversary date is in a couple of days -- when the FOM approached me which (little did I know then) was the start of our EA, which as y'all know went PA. My H was told the timeline of the affiar months ago and he knows it all started in early February. Do I tell him the exact date? I'm trying to forget about it, but I've been triggering quite a bit these last few days. (It's as if every radio station, former work friend, and the greater galaxy knows this is the anniversary so they keep putting these reminders before me.)

Strangely when I do think of FOM, I find myself more often thinking, "I hope you and BW are doing well." But I still get twinges of anger. Earlier today while working out, I got a huge rush of anger about what happened a year ago -- anger mostly toward me, but also a little toward FOM.

Anyway...

Should I share any of this with H? Should I point out the exact date when this started? I'm afraid he'll dwell on it then too. (We have plans that night to go to a friend's 20th anniversary, wouldn't you know it.)

Should I tell him I'm having these triggers and these thoughts or keep them hidden? I'm all about radical honesty, but the last time I brought up a trigger and why I was upset, we ended up in a heated discussion that brought a lot of H's hurt and anger out again. He turned the info I gave about my feelings back around, used it against me, and I felt even worse.

Thoughts?

Hey L4

From a BS viewpoint, I wouldn't tell him unless he asks. Is this lying by omission, I'm not sure, I don't see it that way. Maybe I'll get slammed. :twobyfour:

As far as being cranky with this date approaching, I can understand that, I'm sure this month is triggering your H also.

I have some thoughts in my head of solutions, but best to let the 'big guys' lead you.

There is no need to bring up the anniversary date of the affair.

There is being honest and then exercising poor judgement.

You provided your BH with dates, a timeline. If he forgot it how are you helping him to have him remember it?

On the anniversary the first time you did "it" with the OM.

Are you going to remind your BH about that one too?

Are you going to give a minute by minute recount of the encounter?

Best to let sleeping dogs lie.

No need to. H most certainly remembers that date. I'll be asking you again what to do as that horrible anniverary nears.

If I trigger around H, do I do my best to hide it? Should I share any of this with him? I believe I'm doing a pretty good job hiding it all. But is omitting this information okay? I'm trying to focus all the energy I'm getting from the triggers back on my H. It's all about H so I'm suppressing everything that has to do with PA memories when I'm with him and being a happy, supportive, wife. But I'm fearful I'll lose it here soon.

So do I just drive to a park and let it all out? Or do I share with H? Or just carry on and if the stuff hits the fan, then the stuff hits the fan?...

It's odd because I don't have desires or feelings for FOM any more. But I'm being hit with waves of triggers and it's like it all happened and ended for me 2 months ago, not 8 -- the pain, anguish, disgust, disbelief, guilt, and more are once again very fresh in my mind.

Hi L4,

I was thinking about your current dilemma. I am thinking that you may want to share with your H that you are feeling pain, sadness, regret. It would be a way of telling him that you feel the weight of what happened. I would recommend that you leave the significance of the dates out of it. He may not remember the significance of this day but I guarantee you that he will feel like he was hit by a truck if you point it out. I am divorced and I still get crabby when certain days roll around.

I wanted to tell you that I don't think much of most of the WW's on this site but I do think you are doing your best. I also wanted to commend you on being a good mom to your children, I am sure that means something to your H. I probably would not be divorced if my W had been a good mother.

Okay where are those smart people when you need them

I can only give you my betrayed spouse view.

Yes, I would rather you go into the park by yourself and become unglued there.
And I don't want to know about it.

That is what I would want him to do. I have my own issues with the A and sometimes I need to vent them at the oven when no one is around. For me, it would be too much to console him with that.

I think it's really good that you can recognize what is going on with your feelings.

Take care L4

L4, I was posting to you at the same time as 6 yrs. so I did not get to read his post.

I agree with his statement of letting your H know those feelings. But if you need to

'lose it', I would still go to the park.

Looking4, If you want to UNDO all the good you have created in your marriage up to this point tell him that...

Holy cow girl, did you even THINK about what you are saying...

You and the OM RAPED your husband and now you want to tell your husband that you wish his rapist WELL???

First of all, what in the world are you doing having thoughts of the OM???

Why are you even REMEMBERING the day you conspired to rape your husband???

IF YOU WANT TO HEAL, YOU MUST PRESENT YOURSELF AND THE MARRIAGE AS BEING BRAND NEW!!!

I promise you that your husband wants NO PART of the woman that you were and the old marriage...

REMEMBERING THE ANNIVERSARY DATE OF HIS RAPE AND WISHING HIS RAPIST WELL IS NOT WANT HE WANTS!!!

He wants the new you and the new marriage. What are you doing dwelling on the old???

How do you feel when he dwells on the past???

Knock it off and get back to being the new you offering the new marriage.

Even so...



Jim

"I'll be asking you again what to do as that horrible anniverary nears."

Again I'll say what I posted before:

"There is no need to bring up the anniversary date of the affair.

There is being honest and then exercising poor judgement.

You provided your BH with dates, a timeline. If he forgot it how are you helping him to have him remember it?

On the anniversary the first time you did "it" with the OM.

Are you going to remind your BH about that one too?

Are you going to give a minute by minute recount of the encounter?

Best to let sleeping dogs lie."


The first and last sentences tell you there is no need to tell and not to tell.

The middle part points out why you need to keep your big yap shut.

This is a trigger that you need to do on your own. Your BH is not ready to go back there now.

Why undo all of your progress?

Hi L4,

As a BH, I just thought I'd share some thoughts with you about the anniversary dates....

In a nutshell, I wouldn't share them with your H.

You see, as a result of all the investigative work I had to do in order to uncover my W's A, I know the date of each and every time they were together. From the date that she first confessed her attraction to the OM, to the date of the last time they slept together, and everything in between. I even remember the circumstances surrounding each day. Not good. We are rolling through those anniversary dates right now, and I can tell you that they affect me horribly. They are setting me back, and they are setting us back in our recovery. I wouldn't want to see that happen to you and your H if it could be avoided....

Just my 2 cents. Take it for what it's worth...

FWIW, I know most of the "anniversary dates" as well. At least I've got them written down somewhere. It's almost 5 years after DD for me, and they hardly enter my mind anymore.

Hi L4,

I agree that you should not remind your BH of dates, but you do need to process your pain positively so you don't lose it in a destructive inopportune time/place. What worked for me was to journal it. Eventually, burning that journal might even get you closure but just hide it away for now.

I have a very vivid detail-minded memory and my FWH does not. One time, he commented that he was being extra nice because he knew I might be triggering due to some upcoming milestone I had actually forgotten. While I appreciated his concern and I was amazed that he remembered, I thought to myself "Dang...why did you remind me?...I HAD forgotten all about that!"

I think you should honestly share your pain but only give him what he asks. For me I appreciated the few times my FWH said things about OW of his own volition ~ remember, I'm the detail person with the vivid memory and need to know/fix things. A huge turning point for us, in fact, came when we were discussing infidelity in general and then-F?WH said out of the blue, "OW is a worse liar than me....she doesn't even admit it when she lies (he eventually recognized her lies to him post-withdrawal), and I'll bet she's already cheating with another guy."

That little statement (and massive efforts to show he meant he didn't want to think about OW backed up by actions) helped him earn his F as in Former WH.

Who knows what got him to that place. Maybe he did journal....I doubt it, though, as he only wrote long pieces (all garbage) to OW. To this day he doesn't not write long anythings, even when required for work.

There is a difference in your case and mine that I must point out. I (as the BS) was actively seeking anything/anyone/anyplace for help at the time. Your BH is just starting to open up to outside assistance. Be very careful that you don't get too exhuberant....let him proceed at his own pace.

You're doing great, L4. Keep working on being the best Looking4 you can be.
::pun warning:: ~~~ Become Best Looking 4 Your BH ~~~ :RollieEyes:

Also, like you said on the Smiles thread about Healthy Habits, keep shuffling on your treadmill and your better "behind" will get you further ahead with your BH, too!!!

Ace

Thank you, 6YL. I wouldn't be doing my best without the wonderful people here like yourself, guiding me , smacking me around :twobyfour:, encouraging me , calling me out , and throwing an occasional my way.