6years,

If I read what you wrote correctly, you have missed something very important. That letter was not a conversation, it was simply a statement of intent. Your response was not requested nor required. She did not seem to be asking any questions. Therefore, you have nothing to respond to, so don't.

I think your MIL understands that you are not taking her back unless there are huge changes, and she didn't see anymore changing in that letter than you did. I know your MIL is crushed, and mean really crushed. She loves her grand children, she clearly likes/loves you, and she must love her daughter. Yet, she knows the family will not be rebuilt, unless and until her own daughter reverses the cranial transplant she has had. It doesn't look like it is happening.

6years, you may be disappointed in your W, but you would be crushed any of your children behaved as your EX has toward you and her own children.

Sit tight and get on with your life. You have been blessed with good children, and great in-laws.

God Bless,

JL

I've missed a thread somewhere. Who is the 'friend with benefits' who just wants you for your body, 6? When did this happen?

TA

Thanks JL,

I understand about MIL, I just can't do anything to help her except let her know she is still part of my family. She is crushed as I would be. I am sure she does love me as part of her family, she has demonstrated it, she says it, and she has been in my life since I was in college.

We will muscle through, I'm just disappointed. One small blessing is that the children, especially Sam, do not know about the letter.


Gabe

6:

When you originally came here, you were going to "stay for the children for 6 more years"

You felt you owed your children that.

However. You got Divorced, your WxW moved to Italy, and you seem to be doing ok. Your children? Well what happens, happens now. Most of the damage has already been inflicted on them, despite your prior efforts to minimize it. Having a mother who was that didconnected from her children, its probably BETTER for your children that you didn't wait 6 more years.

Now you have a chance to connect to some women that might actually be "better". Someone who will actually relate to you on some adult level.

I do believe your path is clear now.

You do not have to exclude xMIL and xFIL from your life. You can make that clear to them. XMIL may not understand your WxW. Neither do you. But the best part is that neither of you have to understand her anymore. And leave it at that. There may always be the 800lb gorilla in the room that xMIL wishes to discuss, but your under no obligation to discuss it. And soon enough, xMIL will discover that there really ISN'T anything to discuss.

Good thing on balance that your no longer waiting for "6 more years"

LG

TA,

I mentioned this when it first happened over in Divorced.

Shortly after xW moved away to Italy, a young woman from the gym offered some physical consolation. I was reluctant at first but later agreed. It become a weekly thing at this point. She is much much younger than me (late 20's I think) and she says she is also just in it for the sex. This way she can focus on building a career and I can stay focused on family.

The thing that is different for me is that she is very very into the physical part. I've never been with a woman who just had that kind of desire for my body. I'm about to turn 42, but it is fun. Not something to build your life on but is fun.

LG,

I agree that this path is better and I should have done it earlier. The kids get therapy but they are happier than ever and seem to be doing great. Except Sam hates his mother.

xMIL and xFIL are in my life to stay. They know they are always welcome in my home and that the children and I love them. They have always been there for me and are even contributing financial help to Sam so he won't have to work in med school and will be able to raise his baby. They don't make me talk about xW, thankfully.

They have agreed to be the filter in the future. xMIL saw how angry I was that after all these months xW did not even mention the children. xMIL was also angry.

Oooh oooh oooh! You could reply, "Thanks for your concern but I am a single father and must consider their well-being before getting involved in a dating relationship with anyone."

ETA: to clarify, I mean in response to XWW's letter. I hadn't read to the point where you're sorta seeing someone else now. You could say something like, "As a single father I am very particular (or cautious) about whom I date."

Good for you, 6!!

Enjoy!!

I hope someday to get to the point of being with someone again but it's going to be a REALLY long time before that happens!! Maybe a couple of decades!! (Okay, not THAT long, but YKWIM!)

Charlotte

Jayne,

That's funny, but I'm just betting she wouldn't even get it. xMIL is dealing with it for me, and I am guessing it won't be a humorous conversation.

Gabe

Understood.

I am just incredulous at her behavior. Hers and AW3's xWW too.

Thanks DancingMachine,

I am sure you are right about needing years before I can even think about a real relationship. I really am enjoying my life the way it is setup right now. Love the kids, great at my job (with plenty of free time), and no drama on the relationship side. Life is pretty good right now, I think I will know when I am ready because the GREAT sex won't seem like enough.

You were M to a woman who was so emotionally closed off that she didn't even bond w/ her own kids. Now you are sleeping w/ another detached\broken woman....no normal woman would share her body w/ a man she wasn't in love w/.

If you aren't ready for a "real relationship" right now, then why not use the time to figure out why you are drawn to women who are emotionally unavailable?

Marshmallow,

I am taking time to figure that out, but I'm not sure having no sex will help me make a better decision. It is interesting what you are saying about immature/selfish women. I may have the kind of personality that attracts them to me and then I seem to like them.

Right now though, a real relationship seems impossible. Like it will be forever before I am ready.

Sorry to be intrusive - feel free not to answer - but you're the father of young children. Where does this no-strings weekly sex session take place? If it's out of the house, are you essentially using this woman as a prostitute?

What's wrong with going without sex? About the last thing you need right now is any more dysfunctional one-sided relationships. And this one HAS to be dysfunctional - no healthy woman of that age is going to use an older man simply for sex. In my experience, most men have a fantasy about this kind of situation, but that's what it is - a fantasy. If you're actually telling the truth (sorry, but I do have my doubts), then this woman moved in on you as soon as you were free, selling you the archetypal male fantasy.

You DO use protection, don't you? History has an interesting habit of repeating itself.

TA

TogetherAlone,

Encounters never take place at my home, usually at her apartment near the gym where we met. Maybe she is dysfunctional, that word gets used too often. She did see me being down and approached quickly. She says she is not interested in a relationship or having a family, only her career. I know she works long hours and is rarely at home. Maybe she just wants me because I am unavailable and don't ask for anything. I would bet I am alot more convenient than someone who wants dates, and time together. I also think she would stop seeing me if I asked for time together.

I use protection, condoms every time.

Upon reflection, I do think that many family oriented and traditional woman would think she is too career focused. It is also possible that since we are both in law that she may have an ulterior motive, but I would have no influence on the partner selection at her firm.

Good for you. There's nothing wrong with having a sex partner as long as you handle it responsibly which you seem to be. I think you should respond because your x doesn't seem to know boundaries. You should make it clear so when she returns she knows where to draw the line. She needs to focus on her relationship with her kids. She has a very tough road ahead of her but it's a road she has to go down without you.

G

Why is so difficult to believe that a women wants to focus on a career and doesn't want complications of emotional attachment. Sorry but you're wrong. I know career women like this.

G

G,

I don't think there is anything wrong with her, just responding to TA questions. I am going to turn 42 (very soon) but I am only 14 or 15 years older than her. I'm not some creepy old man. I am in good shape and everything still functions. I do also think I will be less happy if I'm never having sex.

Anyway, back to the program, xMIL is going to talk to xW. Maybe I should write a letter telling her I would like her to have a positive relationship with the children and I will do what I can to help on this side. I can also say there will never be a relationship with me again. I am concerned that she will try to draw me in, but with advice here I think I can keep an even keel.

Sorry - my second post was intended for T. I agree with you about responding but I wouldn't mention anything about you helping with anything. She has to do the repair work, not you. Tell your kids you will support them and be the soft place for them to fall. Keep yourself totally disconnected from x. Make sure the boundaries are clear. By keeping your response only about the kids you will be setting the boundary line.

G

Ggirl,

I think that your message is more clear. I'm going to draft of a note that says that she and I are done, forever. I can give the children support on this side if she decides to rebuild with them. Sam really does hate her and it would be better for him if he didn't.

Gabe