Have you mentioned to her about marriage builders and the way it can help restore marriages after an affair?

I suggest you ask her to fill in a ENQ or do one for her if she refuses, then plan A her according to the answers.

I have told here that I found this site. I also told her that I have posted and am talking to people.
She said that's great, I'm happy you are trying to get better.
I listed alot of the terrible things I did to her in my last post and that only scratches the surface.
I'm trying to keep a positive outlook, but as I read everything even I think Oh My God!!!
I will ask her if she will fill it out.
Thank You

No worries.

I dont KNOW how much love (if any) your BW has left for you, but I do know from experience that a good plan A can build a $LB balance very quickly.

Yes you did a bad thing, and I am actually happy to see/hear the remorse. Now you need to do a Plan on her, along with showing that. And you need to accept it might be too little too late.

Thanks....I will ask her and hope she will fill it out.
I have already begun to prepare myself for that fact and I guess I honestly think I probably deserve it for what I have put her through.
If the pain I feel now simply at the realization of how terribly everything I've done has affected my wife is any indication, the pain she has had to endure is impossible for me to even begin to comprehend.
It literally makes me hurt to think about what I forced her to endure and I would give up anything in this world to make that up to her and help take that pain away....No matter how long it took or what I had to do.
Thanks for your support

what MB material have you covered so far?

I think calling Steve or Jennifer and getting some counseling with them is your best bet...you situation is very similar to ours, and Steve has been incredibly helpful.

As Chyrsalis says, even if your W refuses, YOU can have an appt. with Steve and he will get you on a GREAT recovery plan, and give you the tools that will give you the BEST chance at saving your M.

My FWH is in a similar place that you are in, and I am in a similar place that your W is in...and I can really feel for your wife. You might want to send her here to get some help and support as well.

You are right, it IS impossible. My FWH has tried to say that he understands and has tried to put himself in my position, but we all know that is impossible...there is no way he will EVER understand what I have been through.

This is a good start to understanding what you have put her through. When it gets too painful the think about what you have put her through, do not allow yourself to go numb or push those feelings aside...I am sure that is the tempation because what you did to her SUCKS and IS incredibly painful.

But your best bet is to keep feeling it WITH her and letting her know that you "get" the amount of pain you have inflicted on her...it's more unbearable than you know.

I don't want to push it away...I do honestly want to feel it...I deserve it. I started crying again reading what you wrote just simply thinking about her. I hurt so bad, but I know it's not anywhere close. I was supposed to be her protector, but instead I violated what she cherished the most. The love and security that a husband is supposed to provide.

It has been a very short time since I brought all of this to her and she doesn't believe me at all. She also has told me that she spent enough time and now is looking out for her own well being and deserves so much better than I gave her. She's right and I can't blame her for trying to protect herself and build back some of the self esteem and confidence that I stole from her as a result of my own hideous behavior. At times, she says she's not my wife, she's not my friend and that she gave me enough chances and cried more tears than she should have. But she does read my blog to her that I write in almost daily and I have given her the link to my posts on here and when I asked if she checks them, she told me yes I check them all.

I also forwarded her all of my email passwords and access to my cell phone records last night.....She told me that she doesn't need them now, but I said I was going to forward them to her anyways even if we weren't together simply because I want her to know I will not leave her side even if she has moved on...I just read that and it sounds kind of stalkish, but it's not like that....I betrayed her in the worst way a person could and even if she is done, I do want her to know that it was the BIGGEST mistake that I have ever made. I at least want her to know that I will be faithul to her and a better man even if we are apart than I was when we were together. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it does to me.

I am going to call tomorrow and set an appointment.

So did you ever tell him that's it? Who initiated the rebuilding? I'm just trying to understand as much as I possibly can.

Assuming I read that right and your W is reading this thread...

Mrs Ugottatri,

I know how you feel, I was you 6 months ago. My H had an affair, left, came home, left again. He broke my heart. MB saved us. When he finally woke up to all he had done, and WE BOTH started the programme, we fell in love again. It took time, and hard work, but even though we have a long way to go, we have something better than the marriage we had before his A.

Yes you have the right to D your H, he did a crappy thing to you. However, can you honestly say that you wont look back at this in a few months and wonder "What if?" Thats why I tried again, not because I really cared, but so I could say "I did MY best, I tried MY hardest, I left NO stone unturned. I can walk away with MY head held high".

There are many like us here who have done the programme and have recovered marriages, I can think of one at 6 years, one even longer. People can help and support you both thru this. If nothing else, MB can help you get closure and understanding which will help with your future relationships.

Regards,
lil

Wow, that's a loaded question...we have been through hell and back numerous times. Here is the "shortened" version:

~May 2006, found out about the A. First it was "just" an EA and he wouldn't even call it THAT. Then the truth came out that it was a PA as well.

~went through 10 months of pure, utter H*LL in a false recovery. There were MANY ups and downs and I almost lost my mind. I found out later that when he would try AGAIN to end the A, things would begin getting better...and then C would happen and the sh*t would hit the fan. This cycle happened over and over again during those 10 months. I honestly don't know how or why I put up with it as long as I did.

~went straight to Plan B when I found out the A had never ended for good. We had NO CONTACT at all for 6 weeks or so.

~started "real" recovery at that point, and counseled with Steve. We hit MANY ups and downs...FWH struggled mightily with using POJA, eliminating IBs, and has had MANY boundary issues.

~After about 8 months of dragging his feet in recovery (this was last Dec.) I was DONE. I went into complete withdrawal...at this point, he decided he was done giving me a hard time in embracing the MB concepts and swore he was going to "get on board". I believed him.

~Shortly thereafter I found out he was PMing with other women about personal interests on a photo message board (the SAME interests he and OW had in common) and then deleting the PMs before I could see them. I freaked out and went into FURTHER withdrawal. He kept trying to get it right...

~in April we flew out of state for a job interview and he bought me a new wedding ring. I wasn't completely sure I was ready but he was so sincere and wanted to buy me a new one so badly that I finally found one I loved.

~in June we moved out of state in order to try for a "new start". FWH also wanted to get away from anywhere that OW might be able to find us (this was HIS idea, not mine...it was VERY hard for me to leave, all of my family and my entire support system are in So Cal).

~recently we have had MORE boundary issues...he just doesn't know where to draw the line, and after ALL that I have been thru, this has thrown me into the deepest withdrawal that I have ever experienced. It's withdrawn all of my lovebank units. I love him but am not "in love" with him. Sound familiar?

What you do not understand is that there was probably the final straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak...you did just ONE MORE incredibly hurtful thing and something within her snapped...this is how it happened for me.

The BS can only handle so much pain...it feels unbearable at times. You have no idea what we go through...the thoughts, the memories, the visuals...knowing that the ONE THING you promised us on our wedding day is now gone...forever. Once you have had sex with someone else, we can NEVER get that back. It's gone, not to be "only ours", ever again.

You just want to melt into the ground...because inherently, we know that this will NEVER GO AWAY. The night I found out, I remember very little...but I DO remember sobbing over and over "I will never get over this...never."

And that is pretty much true...I am not "over" this and it's been almost 2 years that we have been in "recovery". The way FWH hurt me over and over again DURING recovery with dragging his feet over every LITTLE thing; and doing "little" things behind my back that he knew would hurt me, has eroded many of the feelings I once had for him.

I just feel...hopeless. I can't get the thoughts and visuals out of my mind...why have I let ANYONE hurt me like this? He is my husband, the one person I *knew* I could always count on to protect me and cherish me...and he has done the opposite, over and over again.

Why do I WANT to let him into my heart again? How many times am I going to trust him with my heart before I finally "get" that I cannot trust him...that I am the only one who can really protect ME???

So, that is where we are...I am telling you this so that you know what you are up against. You can not afford to make ONE MORE MISTAKE. If you love your W the way you say you do (and the way my H says that he loves me), then you have a LOT of changes to make, and a LOT of "just compensation" for your A.

FWIW, my H is trying VERY, VERY hard...he is doing things he has never done before, he is reading and conversing and posting and really trying to LEARN...it might not be enough for me, or in the time frame that I need, but he is still trying.

He has found another FWH who has done a GREAT job at making "just compensation" for his A who he is now accountable to. He tells me over and over that he is going to "fix this" and "bring me back", and that he isn't going to stop until I tell him to. He is saying all the right things...

The problem is that it feels like too little, too late. It's been THREE YEARS that we have been dealing with his A and subsequent recovery. I am numb. He made "one too many" mistakes and I just don't FEEL like I used to. This is the chance you take when you make one more "little" mistake.

So my advice to you is...DON'T DO IT.

Do NOT make ANY MORE MISTAKES. You cannot afford it.

Do you VERY BEST and when you think it's "enough", step it up about 100 times. You might be close at that point.

The pain is unbearable, and your WI is not willing right now to give you another chance. It's too scary to risk being hurt again...I know, I understand.

I made the commitment 18 days ago when I typed into the blog that I started for my wife to be 100% honest and accountable from that point forward....

Honestly, the first thing that came to mind was Oh My God, my wife has the link to this post (I gave it to her) and once she reads that....It's over for sure!!!!

Then I realized, it's already over because of everything I have done to this point and we have nowhere to go but up and that is only if she eventually decides to even consider it....I hope she does, but that is all I have at this point and I'm just going to have to accept that.

I drug my feet and jumped back and forth and at times made promises to both at the same time, but from this point forward there is nothing that will steer me off this course. I have absolutely no interest in having anything to do with any other women other than my wife every again....PERIOD....I want to work on myself and the reasons I was able to do such a terrible thing to someone that loved me completely. I want more than anything to help her move past all the pain I have inflicted upon her and work everyday to show her that she can trust me again and then actually have her feel safe enough to trust and love me...She isn't ready for that after 18 days and I honestly don't know if she ever will be, I can't blame her one bit. I'm going to keep trying and being there if she does want to talk with me about it and hopefully with time she may realize that all of this has changed me too.

So after digesting everything, I hope she does see your post and realizes that even after I read it and know how difficult I have made this for everyone involved, it still does not change how I feel or how hard I want to work and show her that she can trust and love me again....

Thanks for being honest and I really hope your husband fully realizes what a truly loving, caring, understanding wife you are.

Thank-You for your candid honesty

Well I, for one, hope your W DOES read my post...so that she can know she is not alone.

I have NEVER in my entire life felt as alone as I have since my H's A...I used to look around outside and wonder how in the world people could still be laughing...functioning...why the sun was still shining when MY world had come crashing down.

I am sure it is scary for you to read, I know my H has sworn up and down that he would do NOTHING stupid again...yet he has...he has walked RIGHT into the same trap that got him into this mess, and he never even saw the connection.

YOU need to firm up your boundaries...if you don't understand the concept, talk about it here or look up the authors Cloud and Townsend and get a couple fo their books...this is not only about recovering your M, but recovering YOURSELF and figuring out HOW and WHY you were capable of doing this.

Write about what you are learning in your blog, the one that your W reads. Let her into your mind...let her see what you are learning, how you are changing. This could do a LOT to change her mind. Just because you know that you are making changes doesn't mean that SHE knows it....share yourself with her, it's very important right now.

I am having a really hard time this morning again. I now feel guilty that I'm sad because I did this!!!! I'm sad???? What did my poor wife have to go through day after day, week after week, month after month as I showed her in every way that I didn't care about her feelings. What did she think when I told her I loved someone more than her? What went through her mind as she had to pull herself out of bed and somehow put a smile on her face for our children when they realized that dad hadn't slept at home for weeks? How truly selfish am I????

I sit and wonder is this natural for me to feel this way now that the magnitude of what I have done has sunk in or am I just feeling sorry for myself because I may have lost control? I have always been in control, using manipulation as a tool both in my business and personal life. I now realize that deep down I was ashamed of what I was doing and so the lies began to cover everything up.

I'm tired of the chaos, tired of the lies, tired in general. I'm going to change my life!!!! I just hope that as my wife watches and realizes that it's not just another well spun story to get what I want, that she will be see it in her heart to begin to forgive me.

I just talked with the coaching center and I am going to be meeting with Steve's sister to start my journey to being a better husband, father, and person in general.

I do have a question that I would appreciate some clarification from anyone who would like to respond.
I have had several people say to Plan A my wife, but everything I see looks like it is usually the BS who does a Plan A. Am I missing something?

Thanks

Plan A is simply making changes in yourself that your spouse will appreciate...meeting their ENs in a way that means something to THEM.

Around here BS's are always encouraged to "Plan A" their spouse if the spouse is in in A or in withdrawal/foggy. These changes and meeting ENs are meant to be PERMANENT, not transitory changes.

However, I have seen many FWSs Plan A their BSs when the BS gets to the same point your W is at. My FWH has Plan A'ed me a few times when I have gone into withdrawal as your W is.

Read up on Plan A and START IMPLEMENTING IT. Are you guys living together????

The quots below came from can't figure it out as he was talking about his wife on the Side-effect of the lack of SF.

I believe that she is devastated on the inside, and wants to break down and love me. At least I WANT to believe that is the case. She said one time, that 'She wanted to just break down and love, but just couldn't do it. So she yelled at me louder. All the while knowing that it wasn't what she wanted.' I believe this is the case, however, I also know that it doesn't matter. The person I LIVE with and INTERACT with is the Armored and hateful one. Not the one inside. I LOVE the one inside, but I can't stand the one I see any longer.

THIS WAS ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't and won't be that person anymore....I will do whatever it takes TO be a calm centered person with love and commitment being my grounding force.

I have ridden one heck of a roller coaster in the 3 hours I have been awake. I'm optimistic again today.....YAHOOO!!!!!!

No...We aren't. she and the kids live in a new house and I am now living in what used to be our home...My own personal hell as I like to call it....Reminders everywhere of what I sacrificed for my own selfishness.

This is why I am confused.....We aren't living together, she has stated that she is not interested in talking to me about it anymore because someone that loved her would not have subjected her to this repeatedly for the last year.

She does read my blog to her and has the link to my posts here, but I'm not sure if she has come to the site....

She said it's great I'm trying to do this, but doesn't believe a word I say and will never be able to trust me again.

Man....Today sucks....I'm heading back down the roller coaster as I type and read this stuff.

Thanks for trying to help

You can still Plan A her, or at least try to.

Would she be willing to spend anytime with you? Go out on a "date"? Spend any family time together?

Would she be willing to have an appt with Steve or Jennifer? (You should do it anyways, even if she won't).

Answer these first and we can go from there....

One more thing...have either of you filed for D or a legal separation?

No she isn't willing to spend time with me...

I have not asked her yet...I don't think she would. I have already called for an appointment and am waiting to hear back when Jennifer has an opening..It has only been 4 days since I told her about my blog to her and after a year of lies deceit and hurt. She just isn't even willing to consider believing that I may actually be telling her the truth...I don't blame her.

She filed for divorce early last year, but neither of us were motivated to actually follow through...Her because she loved/believed in me and me because I continued to jump back and forth across the fence....I can hardly even stand to think about how foolish/selfish I have been. She told me two days ago that her attorney is finishing up on the settlement offer. This is the first time she has ever put any finality on this....It's to late I'm afraid.

I have to leave for a bit, but I look forward to any help/wisdom you can give me...