Bf,

It's SO HARD not to parse every word, but as you no doubt remember, that made you crazy regularly before Plan B.

Glory in your lovely, clean home with the girly bedroom. The more you do for yourself, the more distraction you can create for your own enjoyment, the better. Sooner or later, there will be trouble in affair-land.

You're doing great!

RHW

Well, of course I survived last night and had a good day back at work. Also, I met/started with my new counselor and it was great! I feel like the focus can really be on me and the person I want to be. Also, she has a sense of humor and can do family counseling with the kids and I, which I think is good.
I'm actually looking forward to my appointment next week.

Plans for weekend include yoga class, swimming with DD4, dinner out tomorrow with a girlfriend, and maybe a hike Sunday, since the temp is supposed to get above absolute zero!

If I start to crumble, I'll post away, so stayed tuned!!!

Seems that, for now at least, BF is happier when WH is nowhere around...

We can't know what will happen down the line, but living a good "now" is a good plan!

Yes, that seems to be true, but it was not always the case. I know, tho, that the person he is right now only hurts me when I talk to him, so NO TALKING to WH!!!

Every question I ask through IM, though re: finances etc, he seems willing to answer and no divorce papers yet! So, for now, I have some peace!!!

Thanks, RHW, I love to hear from you!

And BF has a GREAT new title!!

I will let her tell you in case she wants to use a synonym.

Oh, I can share! I am now MA the Magnificient!!

Hopefully, I will not be reporting tomorrow that I am MA the Morose... or Muddled... or, um, the Miserable!!!

I am cautiously optimistic, though, and will update if me Moniker changes suddenly!

End Transmission
(Ha, love that sign-off, Dancing Machine -- keeps me focused on me Mission!)

LOL! Thanks!!

Yeah, I don't know what made me think of that but I'm glad I did!

LOVE IT! SOO much better than thinking of ourselves simply as "BS." Use it as a mantra for those times when you aren't feeling it.

I wish I'd thought to come up with something like that during those tough times. Heck, never too late--I am going to think up a new moniker for myself too. One that will acknowledge the enormous fight I put up to reclaim my M. One that better speaks to my strengths than "Right Here Waiting," which was coined when I felt powerless and afraid...

Maybe this would be a good thing for ALL BSs to do. Follows the "you are what you think" reasoning.

Thanks to you and to Charlotte for a great idea!

RHW

Well, I didn't quite dip into the "miserable" realm today, but I did felt the creeping, cold hands of misery reach out, but I staved them off. Yeah!!
I went to dinner with a girlfriend and had a great time. Still struggling with the new normal in which I live because it still feels crazy as all get out. I can't imagine, tho, that any conversation with WH would give me comfort at this point, but, yet I still desire to reach out to him and ask him all those questions. Questions which all start with "Why the hell did you...??"

Now watching "Under the Tuscan Sun" -- its on tv tonight, and its sort of the bestrayed spouses recovery movie. Very encouraging and I thought, as I watched it, "what a sucky way for me to be taught the lesson to appreciate love and what I had!" I know I did not deserve the adultery, but maybe I did need to learn some kind of lesson here.

I hope I figure it out soon! I'm smart! I'm a good student! I can learn quick, in fact, I think I got it, universe! Please end the lesson and bring back happiness!!! Thank you!

Another line in the movie that I thought was interesting is a friend saying to Diane Lane (the movie BS) that she is afraid that she will become an empty shell and never recover if she doesn't start living again for herself. Very helpful insights. I don't want to be stuck in an endless loop of anger and resentment. I don't want this betrayal by my husband and best friend (the same person -- not two) to ruin my life. I don't want it to define me. Make it deeper, allow me to grow as a person, yes, but not RUIN my life. I WILL NOT LET IT!!!!

Ok, signing off -- no kids tonight and instead of hitting the single bars, I am off to bed with my pug, which is like a stuffed animal that is warm and cozy and snores!

Hello, MB'ers, greetings from the exciting world of Plan B!
Not much going on here, so I'll give my little daily update:

I did have a nice day. I took the pug to a nice park and met lots of nice dog people and their dogs. I did a little redecorating and bought a few books that I have wanted to read:
A Return to Love; Why bad things happen to good people? (which made me think, "when bad dogs happen to good people" -- lord knows I've been there! ) ; and The brief wonderous life of Oscar Wao.

I also found an interesting journal that I decided I am going to complete for WH. My rationale is these are things I want him to know about how I feel about our marriage if something were to happen to me. The journal is called The Book of Us and its page after page of prompts, like, "things I remember about how we met," and then later, prompts about your marriage and childrearing, etc. It's actually been a really interesting process for me to have to think so far back and to be able to share real things with him since I know I'm not trying to say it to his face or to make him come home. Just things I want him to know and would hate to kick off suddenly (knock on wood) and not have him know.

I hope I get to all the books that I want to before warm weather rolls around because then I'll be in the garden all afternoon and evening. It hit 41 degrees farenheit today and would think people around here were suddenly transported to the Carribean! People were loopy (myself included) -- I even saw a guy in shorts!! Crazy!

When you typed:

"The brief wonderous life of Oscar Wao"--I thought..."That was the name of the dog? What did you do, kill it?"



Then my brain kicked in. Finally!! "Oh yeah, that's the title of a book. D'OH!!!!!!"

(Still needin' that "D'oh Icon/Smiley" mods!!)

So slight adjustment to my plan B. After talking to MIL, who is very much pulling for reconcilliation, but understands that I have needed Plan B to begin healing, I've offered to WH more opportunities to see kids at the house. I will not be there, so I'm staying dark in that respect, but the kids are beginning to balk about going to his place and MIL really thought that as opposed to that reinforcing what he's losing it would allow him to just withdraw more. That does fit with his personality, so I can see her point.

We'll see how it goes, but I don't mind him being at the house at this point, and can find lots of things to do while he's there. Who knows, maybe he can actually do something there, too, like a load of dishes, or shovel the walk or homework with the kids. That would take a little off my plate!

WH responded through IM that he would be interested in seeing the kids at the house tomorrow and any other day.
Hmmmmm....interesting, I thought. Of course no indication that he wants to see me -- I won't be there anyway, but at least he can be there for a few hours and help out.

I will make the home as lovely an inviting as possible (it already is, for the most part). My MIL thinks that he needs to be around the house and kids and then have to leave to fully understand what he is missing. IDK, I'm trying just to focus on how this will be good for the kids and me in other ways...

BF,

Could very well be that MIL knows WH better than anyone else on earth, apart from you. Since you agree that she might be on to something, what can it hurt to try?

The temptation, of course, will be for YOU to see him, talk to him. I forget, is he aware of your conditions for opening up discussions with you? Only when he is prepared to meet them should you enter a dialog. Otherwise, you're in for more A-related, foggy nonsense.

Let's see where this goes...

RHW

Yes, that's my fear, is that I'll try to see him to see where he is and get hurt, as I did last fall.

But this time around, a couple of things are different:

He knows I can stay away from him. I think he knows the conditions and I have reiterated them to MIL -- he needs to end the relationship with OW to have me in his life in any way.
He knows the kids are pissed at him and can (and will) stay away when they can.
He knows (I think) that his rosey scenario is not rosey and we are suffering financially from having two households.
I am in a better place, I have more to do that's fun and I wouldn't mind going out while he's there.
The house is finally pulled together after months of me only being able to manage the minimum and now my house feels like my home. I want him to see that we have created a positive, loving home that is cozy and comfortable.

But, again, we will see where this goes. Even if it impacts him not at all, I get a night completely off, without my kids suffering in some depressing apartment!! Dinner and the bookstore here I come!

NOW yer talking, kiddo! Dinner and the bookstore without young 'uns in tow sounds like a perfect evening. (You going solo, or meeting up with a friend?)

Good that MIL is aware of the conditions WH must meet in order to so much as TALK to you. Whatever pressure she exerts, however subtle, can only be good.

And wonderful that the kiddies get time with Dad on their own turf.

Good for you!

Yeah, the evening was ok, except for thinking about some of what came up in my session that day.

I talked to a couple of friends and felt much better and am working on some fun plans for the weekend.

I had a little oral surgery today, so I'm back on liquids only, which doesn't help with the weight loss, but hopefully this will be the last of the surgeries and I can heal!

I'll keep posting, tho!

Hi BF, Did you kids tell your WH about your new nose? Has he seen it yet?

Thinking of you and hopgin you hold up well in the cold weather. We have another scorcher here tomorrow.

Take care

Yes, he's seen it. We talked briefly about a week ago, but the rollercoaster continues...
Our weather is finally supposed to break today and hit the 50 F mark, so I'm excited.

Not much else to report -- started another thread with questions about sex addiction and there's some updates there.

Pug asleep on my lap and I'm about to go soak in a warm tub...Yeah...

BF:
When your WH moved out in September, did he avoid the kids at first? Mine's been gone six weeks and hasn't visited our 3 teenagers even once.

I think that my WH staying away from our kids and home is making it easier for him to avoid guilt and continue his lalalalala life. Now he's filed for D and seems to be pushing it. Maybe pushing so it gets done quickly before either the A ends or the guilt makes him change his mind.

Any suggestions towards getting my WH reconnected to the kids? He continues to blame me for "posioning" them because I exposed the A to them early on. Now, he blames me for not reminding them what a great dad they still have who loves them.

(OK -- rant -- I told WH that I can't lie to them. They no longer have a great dad -- just a selfish, thoughless dad who cares nothing of their well being. The only positive thing I can say is that dad is providing for them "financially." That's all!)

Gosh, BF, I get so frustrated about this. The D scares me. I just wished he had moved out and not started the D so quickly.

I feel your pain when you post about assuming all the added responsibilities. But I now have 100% of all parenting responsibilities since WH is basically AWOL. And 100% of house and yard and kids and dog and EVERYTHING. And in return, I get no husbandy companionship, conversation, affection, SF, etc. My partner is GONE. And not just gone, but with someone else playing all day and night while I hold down the fort.

At DDs basketball game last night, I was so proud of her 3-point shot. Then I really missed WH. He was not there to see his daughter. He was not there to share this moment.

Affairs SUCK.