Tony,
Have you read the articles here, done the questionnaires? I use to find something I connected to and I would print it out and give it to my H to read. Slowly he got hooked on this site. He actually liked it better than MC. Start to work on yourself, become the better man and keep showing your wife that you are trying. The only reason I held on was my WH's persistence at proving to me he was changing. Over time and with less anger I truly started to see the change.

GG

Help and direction. I don't have a support group other than this. There are no secrets here and no one is sugar-coating there answers.

Ggirl615. Im reading, Im talking. Im writing things down. I am enjoying this site yes and Im gaining important things from it. I will ask my wife to check this site out yes. I think it could help her heaps. I have noticed that people will put you in your place, yet still be positive towards you.

Tony, my suggestion would be to stop going to counselors to talk about your childhood and start working on your marriage.

Get the book Surviving an Affair, and start setting up your life in a way that does not leave you open for affairs. Open up your life to your wife by giving her passwords, etc, telling her where you are at all times.

Read this carefully, because this describes what it will take to recover:

"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance." entire article here

MelodyLane, thatnk-you. Im looking for that book now and i copied those links you sent. Thanks.

Tony,

Understand that the fixes we are proposing to you and the corrections that you need to make are NOT only designed to get you reconnected to your spouse but are in fact “a change in the way you live your life.”

Right now you are desperate to save your marriage because you pushed it to the brink where your wife’s love for you has nearly evaporated and your marriage is crumbling. You have been shown the beginnings of a path back to restoring your marriage. It remains to be seen if your wife will even allow you back into her life. She certainly doesn’t need too. I mean after all, what family needs the kind of drama that someone like you brings to it. I mean what will happen the next time you have a couple pints with your mates?

Nevertheless, I hope your wife gives you another chance. I hope you use the advice given here to build a better “you”. As Melody so plainly stated, the problems you face do NOT reside in your childhood and cannot be fixed with a bottle of pills. You have just forgotten who your real partner is and what is really important in life. Protect yourself so that you can protect your family. That is how you love.

Above all, remember that results do not happen overnight. It takes persistence and continued effort over time to rebuild the trust that you have squandered. One small slip and “poof”, it’s all gone again. Remember the word “transparency” for it is in that word that many good things will return to the marriage. Take the time understand its meaning and how you will use it to give your wife the peace that ALL married couples deserve.

There is so much more, but for now, you have your hands full.

Mr. G

Mr G. I understand Melody not wanting me to see a therapist and talk about my childhood ect. I know the problem on hand is my marriage. But at this very point in time I have no one else I can talk too. I don't have a the best support network. My parents, and most of my family are not close. We don't and have never really talked. My closest male friends have let me down and I feel they are too immature mentally to listen. I have tried to talk to them. My wife isn't anywhere near ready to really sit and talk. We have tried but for the two of us there is too much emotion. We sat down the other evening and I just froze. Everything I so desperately needed and wanted to say to her just vanished. I managed to stumble through a few things but it wasn't a good start that's for sure. To her credit though she listened. Id desperately love for my wife to talk to you guys on this site. Im positive it would help her. But Im unsure of how to ask her without upsetting her. I crushed her. I sent her spiralling back to a place where she see's no outcome. I can see a positive way out for not only her, but for the both of us. And as you said its not going to happen over night.

Tony, I don't think you're being told not to see a therapist. Getting professional help can be very useful if you use it the right way. What Melody Lane is saying, I think, is that working out how you became the person you are is interesting but not very useful.

What you need to be looking at is how a person needs to behave in order to be a worthy marriage partner, and what the difference is between you and that person. That way, you identify where the gaps are and can work on those places for the purposes of becoming someone worth being married to.

Unless you start by examining what a good marriage should look like, you have really got nothing to aim for. That's where MB helps you. All the books, all the advice, give you a blueprint of a healthy, respectful marriage.

I'd suggest you start with a line of questioning about what your wife might want and expect from a marriage. Then don't sit around saying 'I'm a lousy husband!' - get started on becoming the person that can meet those expectations.

TA

Thank-you for that. I understand what it is your saying. I don't sit around saying 'Im a lousy husband' and I know your not implying that. Im really trying to learn and improve my life, and my marriage. The way I feel today with my attitude, I wish I had this years ago. Life is what you make of it. I was very negative about a lot of things and I sadly took all the negative energy home and it was a major part of my attitude. To all you good people. Im learning

What did you say to her?

Will you ask her to come here and talk to us?

Tony, what changes EXACTLY are you making to ensure that you don't cheat on your wife again? That is what she wants to hear.

I apologised for everything. For a long time I didn't take ownership for my behaviour. This time I did. I don't have excuses for what I did and I don't want an excuse. I want to learn to be a better husband. I love my wife. I really do feel we need to be working on this as a couple now. Currently were apart and there is no communication at all. She is still very hurt and upset. Im worried if we leave it too long it will be too late. Do you know what I mean. Am I being selfish again by wanting her to seek help with me. Or is this a form of impatience? What do you think.

ps. I will ask her to log onto this wonderful site.

What changes.

No secrets, I'll talk to her more openly. Im not willing to go out places without her. But if I did Im confident I'll protect my boundary and I'll worship my vows to her. I have for the previous 13 years headed interstate with 20 other men to watch a sporting final. We'd go for up to 4 days. Im no longer going to do that and Im more than happy to stop that. I know me going away caused her issues. But selfish me just thought 'oh you'll get over it' HOW SILLY WAS I. Or should I say SELFISH. Im going to stop making our relationship all about me. Im a great dad to my children, Im now going to become a great husband to my wife. I want to understand and show her total devotion. I don't think I ever have. I know some things I have said are material things. But Im still learning. I under estimated the power of marriage. I took her and marriage from granted. I feel I have wasted some very quality years. Im more than willing to make up for the lost years. I want to make up for the lost years. I want my wife to see the emotional side of me. Not the cold, negative me. I want to lose him. If I lose him I'll be happy. I am trying. Deep down inside me I can feel Im more positive and Im gaining direction.

Tony, that is the right attitude to have! It sounds like there has been a problem in your marriage for a very long time and Marriage Builders can help you overcome it with a very specific plan.

That plan involves falling in love again. That happens by learning to meet each others most important emotional needs and avoiding lovebusters. That means becoming each others favorite leisure activity and spending 15 hours together ALONE meeting each others needs. And I don't mean reluctantly spending time together, but learning to enjoy each other and looking forward to being with each other.

The 2 books I think would help you most are Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Additionally, if you can afford it, the Harleys do phone counseling and are the best in the business, IMO. They will assess your marriage and give you a PLAN of recovery. They won't waste your time either.

It really would be helpful if your wife could come here.

As Im in Australia I have searched for those two books you just suggested. Sadly with no luck (Id like to read them asap) I am awaiting an email from MB with a shipping cost to post both books to me. Can I ask is the book 5 Steps To Romantic Love of any use as well? Thanks Tony.

Tony, that is an excellent book also! We have lots of Aussies around here. They should be able to tell you how much the shipping is.

I went into MB book store and tried to purchase 5 Steps To Romantic Love. Surviving An Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. The checkout section in the book store said they'd email me shipping cost. Im just waiting on them to get back to me. Plus Im searching eBay.

Today's not a good day. Sometimes I do things that I think will benefit me. And that I will gain answers and sometimes closure. I can say to myself this is okay as Im only trying to get the truth. But to get it I do go about it the wrong way or I get all secretive ect. As innocent as I think it is it's not and I mess up. I can have a thought in my head and I'll just run with it. And I'll do things that other people, well 99.9% of people will deem wrong. But I don't see it at the time. Why don't I see it. What is missing in my head that allows me to do things that hurt people. Its not just every now and then. Its happening more and more. It's only when it all turns upside down and I hurt someone close to me that I then realise oh yeah that don't look good. And then I'll try and fix that problem and I inevitably hurt someone else or even the same person again. Am I really selfish. Is this a sign in selfish behaviour. Or am I just plain old stupid. Why am I self destructing. Why.

I don't think you are stupid but rather you are trying to manipulate the situation based on what you THINK will be the outcome. Because you are wayward, your perception of things is warped so you get warped results. What are you trying to get the truth of? The truth is the truth. If you don't WANT to see it for what it is, no one can help you there.

I hurt my wife. That's the truth. I can't change that but I can change me. I am only now as a man learning about boundaries and consequences. Why didn't I learn this as a child. Why'd I have to wait until Im in my 30's to learn. And why now when have a beautiful wife and 3 amazing children. I sit here now and just shake my head at the damage I have done to my wife and to our relationship. Im not scared of failure and Im not scared to admit Im weak. If someone would say Tony your selfish and all you think about is yourself and you don't care who you hurt along the way then I think id be happy. That would help me. As I said before. I do things that I think will make my wrong go away and along the way I make my original wrong even worse. Why can't I just sit and wait and be patient. I don't get it. Im sorry but Im confused and Im lost.