sparkle,

Being HERE on MB is a great place to start that thaw. Take in stride when you get flamed or when someone points out "your stuff" to you. I can tell you absolutely that those posts were the most effective for me...even though when I first read them I wanted to get angry or defensive.

Even without coming here, how is your H feeling about the MB principles? Has he read SAA? Have the two of you considered a MB weekend?

The knee jerk reaction is to take it personally, but I know that pointing out the DJ's are all part of the process to help me. All I could say was "oh geez, I did it AGAIN!" And the thing is that I did it without even knowing. But now I know what to look for.

I'm glad that I found my way here. I was on another site that just kept going round and round in circles. The amount of blatent hatred there was unbelievable. It just wasn't a safe place for a wayward to recover at all.

My H has read some things and actually liked it. He's been home sick the last few days so I'm hoping that he got on the site and looked around some. We're filling out the EA questionnaire together and are going to read them over. We'll bring them in to our next counseling session on Tues. We've considered the weekend, but we cannot afford it. Not even close.

I can understand from reading so far why you didn't get anywhere on the other site.

If I may ask, what did you learn about yourself from that site and the posters there?

I'm a BW, and blatent hatred is an understatement.

FWI ... L4 is not a wayward, listen to her words and the other FWS's.

Vittoria,

The other site basically taught me that I was cruel, selfish, inconsiderate and condemmed to being a wayward for the rest of my life, never to recover. I was forced to wear the scarlet letter for eternity and that made me feel that I was a hopeless case. I had a different screen name there and the one that I have for here was derived from my experience there. "Muted" because I was eventually banned for posting outside of my circle and "Sparkle" because I believe there is a sparkle of hope for my marriage.

Here, the center is on building up and saving the marriage. All of the tools are here and everyone here wants to see you succeed. That's what draws me here.

I will not flinch from the 2x4's when I deserve them, but I couldn't take the daily bludgeoning at the other site. I actually cried while my H comforted me and got angry at the mistreatment I got. They were just plain mean.

I am listening closely to all the FWS's as well as BS's.

Okay, I understand that your experience at the other site wasn't pleasant, and I agree very much that what differiates MB is that it focuses on a plan of recovery...

HOW.EV.ER.

The first part of your above sentence IS correct, you were all those things, and owning that will be a HUGE part of your personal recovery...There has never been a wayward in existence that wasn't "cruel", "selfish" & "inconsiderate" - in spades...You are no exception, I know I certainly wasn't...

Lastly, of course you aren't condemned to being wayward for the rest of your life...You are what you choose to be, right? So choose to own your past, accept ALL the responsibility for your choices and vow to choose otherwise now...Fair enough?

Mrs. W

THAT'S A DEAL!!!

Well ... I believe that people can change, with the right tools and the willingness to look deep inside themselves. It is important to realize how your actions have destroyed others lives forever. I hope your journey here is successful.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about that and feel the pain and utter regret in my heart. Not one......

If I could change the past I would, but I have today and the future in my hands and that is why I am here.

Schweet!

Something else I wanted to mention to you regarding some of the stuff you said earlier about feeling put upon...the taking out the trash...and other tasks...

From stuff that you've said previously, I take it that you are a Christian, yes? If this is so, something for you to consider strongly is that when you serve your husband, you are serving God, and that you must do so with a willing heart...Pray for strength to do this...read what the Bible says about what it means to be a Godly wife...when you are doing that, you pray and realize that God, not you, is in charge of your husband...God is BIG...Do your part and He will do His...

Please take a look at this thread by Mortarman~~~> The Roles of Husbands & Wives It is a FANTASTIC thread...

Mrs. W

I wanted to go back to this. My early answers to "why" were:

1. I was lonely.
2. I felt isolated with a young child and my H always off doing things for other people.
3. He didn't pay enough attention to me.
4. He didn't kiss me.
5. My IC told me that affairs can be "good" for some marriages!
6. I thought since my H took my word for it that OM and I were "just friends" he must not really love me.

Later after MB and a great deal of work on myself:

1. I was selfish
2. I liked the attention OM paid me
3. I had no idea what marriage really was meant to be and how a good marriage should look. Not sure I even really listened to the vows I made.
4. I had a lot of growing up to do.
5. I learned that love is what you do, not what you feel.
6. I learned that marriage takes work and Dr. Harley really knows his stuff.
7. I had to relearn honesty. Years of lying turns you into a natural liar.

Here's the deal.
The road leading out of perdition is pretty simple. Simple meaning difficult, yes, but not complicated.

This is it ~~~> do the right thing.
You don't even need a reason, just do the right thing.
The more time you spend contemplating your own navel is less time you are out there doing the right thing.
The more time you are taking your husband's inventory is less time you are out there just doing the right thing.


If you wait for a glacier to thaw your heart before you do the right thing, you will be cold a long long time, and still not doing the right thing.

Doing the right thing will make you feel better.
Doing the right thing will make you a better woman.
Doing the right thing will allow you to respect yourself instead of seeking approval from others.

Do you know what the right thing is? Do you?

Here's a twist for you ---> do the right thing without shouting "HEY! Look at me! I'm doing the right thing!"

Do the right thing because it is the right thing to do.
Once you start down that road, you leave perdition behind.

may I add that waiting to "thaw" is waiting to feel. Again, action brings feelings.

Mrs. W: Yep, I'm a Christian!! I'm going to do some reading in 1 John tonight. Not only do I strive to be the wife my H wants me to be, but I also want to be a Godly wife.



Oooo Faithful Follower, that post hit home. I can identify with both lists completely. Damn if that second list isn't a bitter pill of honesty to swallow! But if I don't, I'll never get well and my marriage is destined to fail.

Just a little tid bit for you Muted

I find this hurtful, disrespectful and immature. You'd be best to think before you post. I don't see how you understand the hurt you've caused when you make light of it here.
Someone tell her how to block me, I don't know how to do it. And I doubt that I will be able to stay quiet with her.

Best I leave the comp now.

It wasn't meant to be disrespectful! I read the bible, go to church and am working on my relationship with Jesus. What I said was not meant to be taken like that!

I know right from wrong and was just trying to lighten up some of the darkness that I feel right now.

Again, I am sorry that I have offended you, Vittoria. It wasn't mean to be like that!

I could be wrong, but I don't think it was the Jesus part so much as it was the flippancy with which you treated the sex with OM vs. sex with your husband...complete with cute little emoticons...

While it's true that we often have a bit of fun around here, adultery is NEVER the funny part...It has destroyed so very many lives...Sparky, Dr. Harley compares the pain of an affair to the pain of being raped or losing a child...It is that serious...

Mrs. W

MutedSparkle,

I am sure you didnt intend to offend and I dont mean to pile it on here but I am interested in what Spartan thinks of your comment. Does he think it is funny also or does he think it is hurtfull and insensitive? If spartan thinks its funny then so be it. You two share a sense of humour which most here do not but that is your business. I would just be a little more sensitive to others.

On the other hand if he see's your comment as hurtful and insensitive then you have learned a valuable lesson with this. You need to try and appreciate your situation from his persepective. What may seem like an off hand, glib comment to you may be tearing him to shreds. If you can begin think in terms of his perspective you will give yourself a tremendous advantage in pursuing recovery.

Best Wishes!

OK, I have sat back and watched this thread go from good to bad in a matter of seconds. My wife Sparkle has been doing alot to change the way she conducts her life on so many levels that you just don't know. I am proud of the progress that she has made in the last few months. And I know that her sense of humor may seem that she is making light of the situation but it is not. She has owned her actions and reactions to the things she has done and said to me and others. I have told her that I will stick by her side no matter what happens. I can understand that some of you still deal with triggers just like sparkle and I do but this is supposed to be a place to go to get help and info from all sides of the spectrum, when sparkle came home to me tonight almost in tears because someone did not understand the way she said something, I felt that I needed to say something. So please, be quick to listen, slow to speak, andslow to get angry. James 1:19. Thank you for all the help and insight that you have given her, please be gentle. Spartan

Sparkle will need to toughen up a little. It was an insensitive comment from her.

Well hello there Mr. Sparty! Glad to see you here!

While I appreciate very much your protection of your wife, a couple of things...

1. This stuff ain't for wimps, and it DOES require thick skin...

and

2. You will find that the empathy and sympathy is reserved here for the victims...

Let me say that I really like your wife, her personality shines right through in her posts...she's got spunk and I dig it...however, one of the things that got her to where she is today is not considering others before she acts...I know this, because I am a FWW myself...So it's an important lesson for her to recognize her audience here...to have great empathy towards the many victims scattered about the halls of MB and that in turn will help her and ultimately your marriage...

I hope that you guys will think about this and give it your consideration...I'm very glad that you are both here and I'm most definately rooting for your marriage...

Best,

Mrs. W