It was last April when I found out about his email affair. It was with an old girlfriend -- a girlfriend, strangely enough, with whom he had a rather brief and seemingly insignificant relationship 20 years ago.

He said all the typical stuff (after browsing here for a day, I've realized just how shockingly typical it all is).

1. I invaded his privacy by reading his email. The most important lesson he's learned from this experience is to have better passwords.

2. I overreacted. He didn't really do anything wrong because it was only email, and it wasn't "real."

3. He never slept with her, even though he had several opportunities. (Yeah, I'm having a medal engraved for his heroic restraint.)

4. I have "jealousy issues."

5. There's nothing he can do to change my mind or make me trust him again, so why bother trying.

6. He's having a midlife crisis. (I don't really understand how that's supposed to be a justification for anything, but I've had a hard time understanding how the man I've loved for nine years could do this in the first place.)

And recently...

7. It was almost a year ago; therefore, it's in the past and it's time for me to get over it.

And on and on.

It seems that I took all the right steps at the time I found out. I asked him to tell me about "E" -- without revealing how I knew about her. I confronted him with the single (but extremely damning) email I found and made him explain it. I asked all the questions I could think of, demanded that he end it immediately, and then went to stay with my brother for a week to get some space and clear my head.

We talked for several hours every day while I was gone. He insisted that he didn't love her, that he still loved me, that nothing was more important than saving our marriage, and that he wanted me to come home so we could make things right.

We went to our marriage counselor and talked about it. He said that he'd emailed E to tell her it was over and that his marriage was in jeopardy. He refused to show me the other emails -- on the theory that I could imagine what they said, and it would only upset me, and I would be torturing myself with them -- but he said he deleted them and that their relationship was absolutely over.

Just to be sure, though, I did a little Googling to find out everything I could about E. (What did we ever do before Google?)

I know that her husband works for the State Department in a very top-secret job, and, as I had suspected, I could not find any addresses or numbers for her. I did, however, find out that she was the president of the PTA at her kids' school and, wouldn't you know it, there's a handy list of all the PTA members' emails.

So I'm sure you all can guess what I did.

I sent her an email with the body of one of her emails to my husband copied in it so that she knew I'd seen it. I told her that if she ever contacted my husband again, I would forward her email to all her friends at the PTA and the entire faculty of the school. And I included a link to the website with their email addresses, so she knew that I had all that contact information.

I told my husband I did it, and, strangely enough, he was kind of proud of me. He always thought he was the vindictive one; he was amazed I had that killer instinct in me. He assured me that she was probably scared out of her mind, as this kind of exposure could very well jeopardize her husband's position with the State Department. Boo hoo.

So...

It'll be a year in April, and we're muddling through. As far as I know, there have been no other contacts. I've checked his email account when he forgets to close it. I've checked his cell phone. I've asked, of course. He insists that there has been no further contact, and I think I believe him.

He's just started seeing our marriage counselor for a few solo sessions, which I think is great, because we both adore her. It's really too soon to tell whether that's useful for him, but I have my fingers crossed that it will be. Maybe that's naive; it seems that although I am a pessimist in all other aspects of my life, when it comes to him, I always want to believe there's a way for things to be better.

I've also spent a lot of time away. I work from home, but my office is in California, where we used to live, and I fly down there frequently for work. It's great; I love the people I work with, and I still have a lot of friends in the area. So I've made several trips, work-related, but I've extended them by a few days because, frankly, I'm happier there than here. There, people like me and are happy to see me and think I walk on water. Here, it's just quiet and depressing and lonely.

It's rather depressing to think I'm happier away from my husband. I remember when that was not the case. But I feel like I have to take these moments of relief whenever I can to keep myself sane when I'm at home with him.

We're surviving, a day at a time, but I don't think either of us is any happier. We have no children, and my biological clock is ringing louder every day, but (a) he insists that he's not ready for children and (b) I know we can't bring children into our marriage in its current state. Still, I can't help wondering if I'm wasting my life waiting for him to get over his mid-life crisis, and figure out that he does want to have a life and a family with me.

Sometimes he seems to be trying to make things better between us. And then sometimes I think there's no point in staying with him because he'll never change.

He still can't admit what he did was wrong. He can acknowledge that I was hurt by it, though he can't really accept responsibility for being the cause of that hurt. And he's not really seeking my forgiveness because, well, there's nothing to forgive. It's as if he wants us to just go forward, leaving it in the past, pretending it didn't happen. Part of me wants that too; after all, it seems easier than having yet another conversation about it.

But I also feel like I can't move on until he really accepts responsibility for what he did, how he jeopardized our marriage, and how wrong it was. Because it was wrong. Even if it wasn't physical (because she lives in another country and isn't exactly right around the corner), he still had a relationship with her. He exchanged emails with her; he told her he loved her.

(He insists that he never loved her, that he only said it because she needed to hear it, that I'm the only one he ever loved. Whether that's true, though, seems beside the point. He told another woman he loved her, either because he meant it, or because he cared enough about her emotional needs to tell her what she needed to hear, while being incapable of giving me what I needed in our marriage.)

Sometimes I feel like I'm just killing time. I'm waiting for him to have some big moment of clarity that isn't going to happen. Meanwhile, I've given him the last nine years of my life, and I'm not getting any younger, and my dreams of a happy marriage and children seem as far away as ever.

I don't really know if I have a question to ask. I guess I just needed to vent to people who understand. I want to know when I'll feel better, or when I'll be able to make up my mind about whether to stay in my marriage, instead of this constant state of limbo I've been living with. But I know that no one really knows the answer to that.

Thanks for reading.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. He is saying the things that they all say, as think you have realized.

How was the marriage BEFORE the affair?

Do you know how long the EA lasted?

So he has not agreed to complete transparency, giving you access to cell phone, e-mail passwords and accounts?

He has not admitted that telling another woman he loved her was wrong? Has not admitted that keeping secrets from you was wrong? Not admitted that he had an EA?

If he has not admitted that it was wrong, then what would stop him from doing something similar again? How is he protecting his boundaries so that you are safe in your marriage?

I would not want to live like this. Your reaction to the EA is normal.

As far as I can tell, the affair lasted about a year. He's sort of vague on the timeline, and of course, with all of his emails deleted, there's no way to go back and figure it out. But he thinks it started about a year before I found out.

And no, his reaction to the idea of complete transparency is...ridicule. He immediately beefed up all his computer security after I confronted him. Recently, his computer crashed, and in restoring it, it seems he forgot to set up the same passwords, so I'll admit that I've checked his computer lately, but I haven't found anything incriminating. Which doesn't mean much, necessarily -- technology security is his business, so he knows exactly how to protect his data.

He assures me that this will never happen again because he understands that I consider it unacceptable and, supposedly, that is sufficient reason to never engage in such behavior again.

On the one hand, I want to believe that. The man I married is brilliant and utterly logical, so that kind of reasoning makes sense. But then, the man I married never would have betrayed me this way and never would have defended his betrayal with some of the most idiotic (and trite) excuses imaginable.

Things weren't great before the affair either.

We were going to a marriage counselor and trying to work on things, but all the while, this affair was going wrong. Which sort of nullifies that year of counseling.

The thing is, I knew something was wrong. I felt that he had withdrawn from me and there was no way for me to reach him. But I never imagined, for even a second, that this was happening. My husband is (or used to be, anyway) a man of very strict principles. Morality is black and white to him. It never would have occurred to me that he could do something as immoral as engage in an affair, emotional or otherwise.

Perhaps the most painful part of this entire experience is the realization that my husband is not the man I thought he was.

Mrs9045, why don't y'all try a Marriage Builders weekend? The thing that is missing here is a program of recovery. Your marriage had to have been in bad shape before the affair and it is obvious you are limping along. The way to recover from an affair is to create a romantic relationship. It doesn't look like that has happened.

Here is an outline from Dr. Harley:

"The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide." Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

Mrs 9405 sorry you are here. how do you know this was not a physical affair?

I wonder if he is not still in an affair? Do you have keylogger on his computer? Do you check his emails, phone bills, etc? His complete lack of remorse and his secrecy concern me. Usually when someone doesnt recover, there is a RAT in the woodpile.

I'd never even heard of keylogger until I read about it here yesterday. As I explained elsewhere, his computer has had very tight security on it, which has made it impossible to check anything, but since the computer crash two weeks ago, he hasn't restored a lot of the passwords, so I've been snooping around. So far, I haven't found anything incriminating at all, but that doesn't mean he hasn't opened some new email account I don't know about.

As for phone bills, we do not have a house landline, only cell phones. I don't have access to his cell phone account (ours are separate because mine is paid through my work), but I've scrolled through his cell phone occasionally and have not found any unfamiliar names or numbers or any suspect text messages.

It's weird because on the one hand, I feel deeply ashamed for snooping through his stuff and for not believing him when he's said that he ended it, but on the other hand, I don't want to be the naive wife who lives in denial because she can't face the truth.

Honestly, I just don't know what to think anymore.

Well... I guess I don't know for a fact that it wasn't physical, but I'm fairly confident it wasn't because she lives in another country. I know that she returns to California with some frequency to visit her family, and that she asked him to fly down to meet her on more than one occasion, but he's never taken any trips that are not totally accounted for, and he insisted that he didn't want to "consummate" their affair because that's a line he would never cross.

Of course, as I type that, I think it sounds pretty naive -- they all say that, right? -- but because of logistics, if for no other reason, I'm pretty sure it was never physical.

Mrs9405

I would install a keylogger. Your H's behavior is very suspect. I see alot of red flags

Mrs9045, go download the eblaster keylogger at www.spectorpro.com on your computer and copy it to disk or a memory stick. Practice installing it on your computer so you can quickly install it on his computer. you can program it to email you daily reports. It will show you everything he does and is undetectable.

I suspect he is hiding something from you.

Could you elaborate? I'm sort of new to all this. I spoke with very few people about it at the time, and only found this site because of friend of mine confessed that her husband had an internet affair about two years ago, which led me to confide in her. She said she found this site helpful, so I thought I'd give it a try.

Just curious as to what you think the red flags are. If nothing else, I suppose it's good material to discuss the next time we see the counselor together.

I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I want to believe him, and I feel really dirty snooping around his computer.

How long after the affair am I justified in surveying him? Is there ever a point at which it's no longer okay? Am I going to have to monitor him for the rest of our marriage? Because I really don't think I can do that.

Why would you want to believe someone who is untrustworthy? That is not rational. It is virtuous, not DIRTY, to catch someone harming you behind your back. Your H is hiding something, Mrs9045. To lie and cheat is dirty; it is not dirty to catch him.

Here is a red flag:


A spouse who is hiding something is a problem. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide.

It would not be good material to discuss with a counselor in front of your H unless you just want him to go further underground. You can't very well fix the problem that way.

The keylogger is downloadable for free, and then you will know what he is or isn't up to.

How old are you? Just curious because you want children.

Was the marriage EVER good?

He sounds kind of one way about things.

I'm 30; he's 42. I've always wanted to have children, and it was something we talked about before we got married, and he said he wanted children too.

We were together for five years before we got married, and during that time, we were great. We were the kind of couple people would smile at in the supermarket. We were affectionate and attentive and dorky (in a good way) together.

Then we got married and, within a month, we moved across the country for his job. Things really took a turn for the worse with that move because we were in a place we didn't like and were so isolated from our friends and family. We have since moved somewhere we like better, but we're still far from friends and family and pretty much stuck with each other.

I've tried to convince him to move home (back to California), but he refuses. It's a lot more expensive there, and with the current economic situation, we're kind of locked into our house for the time being.

He IS very much one way about things. He's stubborn as hell and hates to admit he's wrong. Frankly, I am pretty much the same way. But it was never a problem, or at least not a significant problem, until this exploded.

Was he married before? Did you know him when he was married? What happened in his last marriage, if so?

But if that's really who he is, then how is it even possible to really reconcile? Isn't the marriage over? Is it possible to ever have respect or trust again?

Your sig line says you've been happily recovered for 8 years. I don't know whether that means you were the cheater or you were cheated on, but if you were cheated on, do you still monitor your spouse's activities? Do you trust him now?