I just have to keep reminding myself to not get on HIS roller coaster...I already have my own, thank you very much.
He told me that he had not made progress with his therapist. I have no idea what that means; lately he has been talking in a way that makes me think that it is his counselor who is against rebuilding the marriage (I have met with her before, when the crisis surfaced, and I know that she didn't tell me that, and she is a committed Christian...not sure if that makes a difference, but I think it might). I responded back calmly, telling him that I am working on myself, and have found hope, which I haven't felt in a long time. NOT hope that the marriage would or would not exist, but a deeper hope and belief in my own capabilities and capacities for personal growth.
Then he writes back, and makes it sound like I'm the one who wants out. This has happened a few times, and I just ignored it. Then he says he wants to go out--just to be around each other and not talk about the marriage. Tells me that the marriage counseling we are going to this week is "a start" (of what, I wonder?). I told him that would be nice, and that we can ask some friends (who do know) to watch the kids. No response.
I have been in a fog too--one of self delusion and denial. There is no question, I am very scared, but somewhere is a new found confidence in myself. I know I did things in this marriage that helped get it to this stage--I know I was emotionally withdrawn, depressed, etc, and I know that isn't me. I ALSO know that he CHOSE to have those affairs. That is not my fault (and I believe this now! What freedom!).
There is a lot left to be resolved. Just committing to work on the marriage is not going to be enough for me--he has SERIOUS issues with sexuality, boundaries, etc. And I am not sure HOW that will resolve itself, and how I will feel as that resolves. I have SERIOUS issues with trust. Major ones. (yes, polygraph should be in the future as a necessary item for ME to know that he is not lying...again!)
I don't want to give the mistaken impression that I think this is the road to our recovery, but I sure feel, however hard this is, that this is the road to MY recovery.
Just some ramblings. Don't know what the next hour, day, will bring. Perhaps he'll stay, or maybe he won't. But regardless, I'm getting back to myself again.
