Hi, just wanted to weigh in because I'm in a similar spot with my WW. She's back home, as of a week and a half ago, has said a lot of the right things, is reaching out to me occasionally, but my giver has taken such a beating that I find it hard to keep going with Plan A. When things get very low, just try to step back and look at the big picture and rely on whatever support you have. Don't be afraid to rely on it in these extraordinary times.

I called Dr. Harley yesterday. He said the first step is to get WW onboard with a recovery plan and asked if I could have her call him. Surprisingly, she agreed. The requirements you stated echo almost exactly what Dr. Harley said I would need from her to start healing the wound. He said heal the wound before we even start on the marriage. Good advice, because when they're in their fog and withdrawal, they can be downright unlikeable. I love my wife right now, but I have trouble liking her. You need to feel like she's onboard or you're in danger of leaving her behind. She might be just fine if it all got swept under the rug. That won't work! Hang in there and good luck!

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2207963&fpart=1

Re-read your thread. I'm in a very similar spot to your last post. I think the advice you're getting is top notch. Just remember that this isn't 'save marriage at all costs'. Hold the bar high. I tell you this as much for your sake as my own. Look inside yourself. What do you want in a good marriage? Is this marriage capable of accomplishing that? It's probably pretty hard to see that from where you stand today. What if you kept working on it, holding to your boundaries and standards, and in 6 months or a year, you realize she's just not willing to do the work? Could you move on at that point? I kind of feel that a divorce at that point would be easier to get through for you, because it is your decision and you can move forward without such a sense of loss and anger and pain. It won't be easy, but it will be with more reason and the end result of all your effort. I want to save my marriage, but I will only accept a stellar outcome. I know I can have it without her, so why settle with her?

Present some ideas to her. Make sure you don't appear to be controlling or pushing. Let it be her idea. My phone call to Dr. Harley was excellent. I hope my wife's goes well too. If she can't do the work, then you know she doesn't value the marriage like you do, or she just isn't in a place in life to be your partner.

I'll keep an eye on your thread, because you seem to be in a similar place and it's comforting to know other people understand where you're coming from. Good luck!

Thanks for the kind words and advice ZenWolf and Dawn.

I am a chiropractor, but I do not see patients anymore, I just do disability evaluations. Also, I am heavily involved in local sports medicine. I also have nothing against medications of any kind when properly used. I don't think anti-depressants are right for me because of my first experience with infidelity. The first girl I ever loved cheated on me and ended up marrying the guy. I was 19 at the time and had just torn a meniscus in my knee. I was never a runner prior to that, but began running for rehab. I ran 3 miles a day, and could not eat because I was so depressed. I lost 30lbs in 45 days. I looked great and got tons of dates, then she briefly chased me, but I was over her by then. So, for me, in times of great emotional distress, I have always leaned on physical exertion, and I feel like it makes my character stronger to go through times like this on my own. But this time is obviously much different than being cheated on by girlfriends. It is much harder, and you have to see the person. I used to always instinctively initiate NC back then. I figured out early, the most hurtful thing you can do to a girl who has wronged you is walk respectfully away and never look back.

Back to my situation, are the home study courses pretty good?? I am going to call the MB approved MC in my area today and get a feel for him. MB weekend is on the table also. NC is still in place and security measures have not picked up anything hinky. We did have a bad day yesterday, because my parents came over. She was very nervous seeing them for the first time. Guilt I guess??

How is your marriage developing? Does she know that you are working on the marriage and not trying to take revenge.

What is her job situation like? Are folk all aware of her misdeeds?

What went wrong with your folks? can this be improved?

She does not feel like I am taking revenge to the best of my knowledge. Maybe about exposure, but I have been consistent that I did that to save our marriage. Plus, I did exposure fast and complete, then dropped it.

Her job now monitors all phone and e-mail, and she resigned from her hospital job.

Nothing went wrong with my parents, they told her they loved her and never brought it up. She was just ashamed to face them.

Yeah, every time my wife faces friends and family she is very nervous and guarded - to the point of being kinda aggresive which makes me crazy. She hasn't faced parents yet. I think that's a ways away. Oh boy I rue the day when my Mom comes to visit.

I think this is the part that I have the most sympathy for. Facing people who know and acting like nothing happened. Sounds horrifying. I think if it was me, I'd have to sit down with everyone I know and have a very apologetic talk. I wish my wife would do the same, but I don't think it's in her.

My wife is VERY depressed now. This is pretty hard to be around. I hope you're holding up OK!