Yes, an affair is an affair regardless of the way it is carried out.

Flick

ITA.

I also believe that the Chewie/Wookie has it in him to make this right for his family.

I know I forgot to say that in my rant/posts.

Chewie, the other wookie, marriages have survived much worse and became much better.

Behind the 2x4s, you are being handed the tools.

Dealan-de

Thank you

Flick

Kimmy - It is odd how a complete stranger (me) can read many posts and see the WS through the eyes of their BS. That was true with you, true with LilDoggie, and true with Chrys.

I still have lots of hope for this marriage.

Actually, he's so much like the Wookie that I do too.

Once the Wookie acknowledged and held himself accountable for the state of our lives, everything became possible.

You and KiwiJen called it.

Yessir, Sgt. Flick, sir!

De nada.

Yes, the love shows through, and that is why I can't give up on the marriage. Even though the WS may be doing cruel things, I have hope. Once the junkie gives up the drug, the real spouse comes back. And we have seen that over and over here.

Of course, we can look at all of the options. Chewie can ride off into the sunset (like my ex did) with the OW. Problem with that is that the OW has a husband and family. Plus there's less than a 2% chance that the affair will work out. Added to that is the fact that we know the OW is a [censored].

Another scenario is that Chrys can kick him to the curb. She could toss him tonight, and I wouldn't blame her.

But I think Chrys is thinking about her family and kids.

Flick didnt jerk my chain for as long or as comprehensively as Chewie has done to Chrysalis, however he was as good a manipulator, as cruel, as mean, as hateful and selfcentred. I believe it is a WS trait myself.

BUT if the WS actually just does it. Does the right thing. They come back.

The Wookie was the same...in fact, his infidelity lasted just as long as Chewie's did...if not, a smidge longer.

A lot of it is about the control, also. When they fear they've lost some of it, they tend to lash out like a rattlesnake in a room full of rocking chairs.

It is really scary for a wayward to trust those they've wronged, too. Many of them (especially Wookie type waywards) have a hard time wrapping their brains around the fact that even tho they've been truly insufferable people, we still love them. For them it's like too good to be true...and all our mommas have told us that if'n it seems too good to be true, then it prolly is.

Fortunately for Wookies, their spouses care enough for them and their families to SHOW their support.

So I've spent the week at home with Chrys. We've talked, met together with a former pastor whom we also consider a friend, and I've been reading and reflecting. I've also started looking for a job out of the area. Nothing definite so far, but I've identified what I'm looking for and where we would be willing to go. I've contacted a few recruiters, sent a few CV's, and am waiting for some return phone calls. It's a holiday weekend, so it may be Tuesday or later before I hear anything.
This could all be just smokescreen, an attempt to cover up and go even deeper underground. That is not my intent and not what my heart wants, but I know I have no credibility with Chrys. So what I am saying to her every day is that I am doing what I need to do today to show her that I want to try to repair the damage I have done to her so cruelly and cynically over the past few years. She will never be the same as she was before I did this, and I know that.
Unfortunately, I have to go back to work Monday. And that is going to be unsafe. I have a long term plan to leave, but in the meantime I can't stay away forever. I will go in as late as I can and leave as early as I can. I will leave my cel phone home with Chrys. My back line at the office has been disconnected, and I won't pick up my inside line when it rings until one of my staff tells me who is on the phone. Unfortunately, I can't give Chrys direct access to my office computer from home. Layers of security and issues of patient confidentiality. So, again, one day at a time.
My behavior was completely addictive. I got a short term "buzz" from the relationship, so I kept going back. I don't have to have the buzz, and when I am away from it it's not a problem. But, just like a newly recovering alcoholic probably can't walk past a bar every day on his way home from work, I have to be away from the situation.

Chewie,

There is a book called, "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" by Howard Halpern that I found helpful in getting over my first A. It's a short read and one that I highly recommend.

If you're a Christian, get yourself the Life Recovery bible along with the workbook. It is based on the 12 step program and will help you to decompress and dissect these character flaws that have been tearing your life apart.

Eph. 4:30 - Do not bring sorrow to God's Holy Spirit by the way you live.

Embrace that scripture tightly.

Hang in there, Chewie. I know people here don't have a lot of trust in you, but your wife seems to want to try to get through this with you.

And then there is that darn polygraph. It would be better to own up to a PA NOW. Come clean and start over.

Sorry, I don't think the OW is as sweet as she seems to you. If she contacts you, let her know that you are serious and will inform her husband if she doesn't back off.

Does anyone at work know 100% of your story yet?

Do you have partners in your practice, male or female, how many?

Chewie,

Good to see you posting again.

As much as all this sucks right now it will be so worth it on the other end.

Mark

Thanks for the helpful thoughts and kind words, everyone.
Muted, I will order that book today from Amazon if it is available.
I don't care what the polygraph says or does not say, I have told my wife the extent of our physical involvement. I think everyone would find it much more satisfying if I came up with some new confession, but I would be making it up.
In answer to another question, people in the office knew that the two of us were close at one time. I have no idea if anyone knows we were still talking to one another - probably, but I'm not sure.
The entire 5 year relationship was completely pointless. There was nothing to be gained except short-term emotional pleasure at the cost of a great deal of destruction to my marriage. If there is an upside, it revealed more clearly my own weaknesses and character flaws, with which I need to begin to deal more effectively. I have to do that to prevent another disaster in the future, because no matter where I go, I will be there.

Chewie,

I don't know if you've seen the movie Fireproof yet, but part of that movie has to do with what is call the 40 Day Love Dare. It is available as a book that might benefit you as well. I know, you hadn't counted on starting an extensive library, but it might be worth taking a look at at least.

There is also an on-line community for discussion at 40 Day Love Dare.

Let me know what I can do to help you and Chrys. My public email is in my sigline if you need to communicate with me off site.

I would try to look at what you experienced with the polygraph, Chewie, to see if you can figure out what might have led you to fail the portion regarding a PA. Any physical contact with sexual overtones might result in some of that but I wonder if things you imagined or fantasized about might also have contributed. I know almost nobody will ever believe you about not having had a PA with OW, but I think you need to try to figure out why you reacted at an unconcious level the way you did. Even if your wife never really buys it at least you could know what was triggered inside you that made the answer seem to be a lie based on your physiological reactions.

Mark

Come on, Mark, don't encourage this.

Chrys, if you want the truth in a confession, you have to make it safe. Tell Chewie no matter what he says you won't kick him out, it is about honesty now, and going forward.

Anything else for the rest of your life would be "living a lie." In fact maybe I never knew what that phrase meant until now.

Chewie, my WW puled out a whole bunch of ungle details earlier this week. She looked like a new person afterward. she said she "didn't like the person she had become."

All these actions, until you confess to the PA, are like putting bactine on leprosy.

Well, I am one of the dummies that believed Chewie.

However, I have been reading up on the research on the accuracy of polygraphs, and they are fairly accurate.

So, if I were you, Chewie, I would take a second one with a male examiner.

Besides that, I have another question - why would you think highly of the OW, when she is cheating on her husband, and writing things like she hopes your wife gets enough plastic surgery that you can stand to look at her?

Another thing that bothered me is that you told Chrys that she has made herself unemployable by taking care of your son. That was mean.

I wonder how the ethereally beautiful OW would do being involved with your son on a daily basis?

This thread should be ignored until Chewie comes clean. It is just offering him instructions on how to put up a facade of recovery to fool Chrys.