Thanks, Vittoria. I really appreciate you coming back.

Spartan and I had a pretty quiet Valentine's day. Couldn't really do too much because all 4 of us were sick with that cold/cough that is going around. I spent most of the day curled up on the couch drinking Thera-Flu.

I didn't get any text messages or phone calls from my xOM but I did receive some flowers which I refused. Spartan got very upset and I told him, "Why let him win by getting upset? He wants us to fight so that I'll leave you." He retreated to the bedroom to watch TV and stayed away from me which hurt. I didn't ask for flowers and so now he questions whether or not NC is still being maintained. I can show him all of my e-mails, texts and phone records as proof that I'm honest. The only thing I can't do is show him my work e-mail because I work in a secured building (he isn't allowed to come in) and we can't access e-mail remotely. That's something I can't do anything about.

Today he's clingy and wants SF but I feel too crummy to do anything. I would if I could. I have tomorrow off to be with the kids since it's a holiday and I know he'll be feeling insecure because I'm home without him. He's been off for 4 days without pay because of this cold and now we can't make the mortgage payment. I'm a bit upset about that.

Stupid rollercoaster.

Sparky,

Has OM been sent an MB style no nonsense NO CONTACT letter that Sparty read, approved and mailed?

Mrs. W

No, not yet. This is the first time that I've heard from him since 12/29. We'll have to talk about that later on tonight. He's working a side job today that will more than likely occupy him for most of the day.

We're still having communication problems. A good friend of ours (my coworker whose H I caught with the OW) wanted to spend a couple of hours with me just to talk. She wanted to go to lunch and then hit one of the thrift stores. Sparty asked why I wouldn't take the kids. He doesn't allow me any private time with my girlfriends even when they're friends with both of us and would NEVER allow me to contact the OM. Sometimes I feel trapped because of that. I don't go out to bars (unless Sparty is with me) I just like to do things with my girls.

Muted:

Have you stopped going to the gym? You talk about your financial pressures, so I hope that this is one expense that has been cut.

Are you spending that time in your home? With Spartan?

Your here and learning. You had several A's and you and your WH even had "mutually agreed to" A's about three years ago.

So what is Spartan doing? He's got alot to fix as well.

You still have to fix yourself. And you should, no matter what.

Then you have a shot.

Spartan needs to get on board as well.

LG

It's time to put this A to an official end with a NC letter.

I am posting what Mel advised me the very first day I started posting. I don't think I could add much, as Mel has such a way with words.

Our #1 job in recovery is to learn how to protect our spouse and our marriage.

This protection includes NOT doing things that will cause your husband fear, concern, worry, etc.

IMO, Going out SOLO is not a good plan.

Our old habits and our old ways of doing things like, "I just like to do things with my girls", needs to be completely overhauled. Like your husband might say, ..."an oil change ain't gonna fix this marriage, that old engine has been blown and is need of a complete restoration".

I have been in recovery for 16 months and I CHOOSE to always take my wife or one of our children with me or I don't go. It is one of the few ways I have available to show my wife that I want her to feel safe.

You can always invite a friend over to your house if you have the need to visit and catch up.

MS, I hope you can see that NC has been broken!!! This is why you need an official NC letter.

I'm sure you felt hurt, but you need to be thinking about how your H felt and what you can do to stop all of HIS pain.

You kept the door open on your other A, and you're doing the same thing here by not sending a NC letter!

This one comment concerns me greatly. Have you changed your cell phone number since ending the A? If you have not, which is what this sounds like, it needs to be one of those protection actions that you do immediately.

There's no good excuse for leaving this door open to OM.

I agree 100% with tst, Sparky...

No contact has indeed been broken and I can see very clearly why your husband would feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable with you going out today w/o your children...For all he knows you could be hooking up with OM...

This is NOT a "communication problem"...This is a direct result of your adultery - part of the consequences of your choices...Of course Sparty feels unsafe - HE IS...And this is especially so after yesterday's flower episode...This has set Sparty back to Dday...And believe it or not, it has set you back as well (I know you will argue with me on that though! ) But just the wording you used about being "trapped" let's me smell the fresh contact on your breath...You are not "trapped", you are where you are based upon your choices...You are a grown woman, and the cage door is open if you wish to go...It always has been...But you have chosen to stay and work on things...Stop trying to make Sparty responsible for your choices...

Telling you to write a MB style NC letter to OM that Sparty, reads, approves and sends is NOT the same as you "contacting" OM for a fix...This needs to be done to place the final nail in the affair coffin...Refresh my memory, is OM married? If so, has his wife been informed of your affair?

Mrs. W

This entire post is all about YOU.

THAT is WAYWARD thinking.

Ahem, and yet you felt well enough to want to go to lunch and shopping with a girlfriend...Sorry, Sparky this excuse doesn't fly with me...

OF COURSE HE FEELS CLINGY TODAY!!! Who wouldn't in his place? Do you understand that men connect with us through SF? He needs to feel that connection with you right now...Please don't deny him this...AND as I told you on another thread, FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS...So please Sparky, go be loving with him and start to help him heal...

Mrs. W

Thanks, eveyone.

I have been a wayward for the last 3 1/2 years and it's going to take me a while to earn my "F". I've been in that way of thinking for a long time and I need help to unlearn it.

tst: We'll get together tonight to put together a NC letter. Sparty said, "I have other things to do besides sitting on a computer all day talking to people I don't know." when I asked him if he would be willing to start his own thread. All I can say is pray that he will......pray hard with me! He hasn't done any reading or anything on his own as far as beginning to restore our marriage. I can't make him and I won't. I will continue doing it with or without him. I still train at the gym but have cut back on other expenses. I am getting certified to do group fitness instruction and am also readying to teach children's cardio. I am passionate about fitness....it's not just a hobby.

Mel/Mrs. W: I haven't contacted him, but I know you'll call me out on this one since the OM broke NC. I could change my number but he can easily get my new one. I have to post my number on my e-mails and he could get the new number from my out of office replies. I work a 9/80. The company does not provide us cells...we use our own. I haven't seen nor heard from him up until yesterday. There are times where Sparty's xOMW will send him random texts even to this day. We ignore them.

My girlfriend came over and picked me up at home. We went to lunch and then the thrift store and came right back. Spartan doesn't have a problem with this friend. She would never in a million years cover for me and Sparty knows that. In fact, I only have a handful of friends and he knows them all. Most are from church.

Both of my OM were single. The last OM is 50, never married, no kids. Been engaged 3x but never followed through.

I plan on loving on him tonight after he's done working on his friend's truck.

Our damaged marriage will not be healed overnight and for now, I will be the one putting forth the efforts.

I can't speak for him. I've encouraged him to start his own thread but he says, "that's not my thing". If I speak for him, that is removing the focus on what I need to work on. Can you show me how that is wayward thinking? I don't understand.

I'm not asking you to speak for him. What I mean is that your entire post was full of me me me me.

When a WS becomes a FWS, their entire focus turns to how do I help my BS heal from all the damage and destruction I have caused them. How can I be a better spouse? How can I protect my spouse from hurt?

I'll go through your post in a minute and explain what I mean.

Contact is contact kiddo...Doesn't matter who initiated it...It does the same amount of damage either way...Stop making excuses...write the no nonsense NC letter and change the cell number...Do whatever you have to do to protect your marriage...So what if OM "could" get it...Doesn't mean he will...Many of these things are good will gestures towards Sparty...Please do them...Again, feelings follow actions...

Mrs. W

You're right, Mrs. W. NC letter will be a good project for us tonight (or for me tomorrow while I'm off).

I wish that he was more involved in our recovery process. He just doesn't show any interest. Not even when I offer up my phone or the phone bill to show him. He says he just wants to move on and forget about the whole mess altogether. Maybe his way of doing that is to move on like it never happened. If that's the case, we're on very different planes.

My friend today said that she wishes that she were in my shoes and that her H were like me. I told her that it got real close to us NOT being where we are today.

Today while I was picking out clothes, I looked at things that Spartan would have liked rather than what the OM would have liked. It gave me a lot of comfort doing that! Spartan likes the Lara Croft from Tomb Raider look. I like it, too!

When I say that your post was all about you, I mean that you are still focused on your own wants. MB is about caring and protecting your spouse. I saw none of that here. I saw a WS thinking the world still revolves around her.





The flowers were a smack in the face to your BH. A very painful thing for him to have OM give you a gift.

But your focus was on yourself instead of your BH.





I'm sure he was.





So you told him that his feelings were not appropriate.

You told him that he shouldn't get upset.

You told him that he shouldn't be feeling this TRIGGER! He doesn't get to choose his triggers. They come out of no where and slam him.

He is dealing with that trigger because of your affair. A spouse committed to recovery will want to help their BS get through that trigger, not blow it off...which IS what you did by not acknowledging the pain and fear those flowers caused him.

If you want to help him heal, you will take these moments to reassure him that you love him and want to be with him. These are the moments that lead your marriage to recover or not.




YOU were hurt????!!!!

Ah, poor you.

You were hurt because he actually dared to be upset that OM is still after his wife.

Do you not see that he RETREATED to a safe place...because YOU are not a safe place.

Think about how you can make yourself a safe place for him in these moments...because there will be more.





OF COURSE he questions NC. And he will for a very long time. The more you think of HIS feelings and respond to him with love and care, the more he will become secure in NC.

But you need to expect him to question it, even when there is no "reason" to question it. The fact that you had the affair is reason enough right now.




He should have access to these anyway, without having to ask.

And when he feels insecure, you need to OFFER UP these things to him.




You had an opportunity to put his needs first and chose not to. He is bleeding on the floor still, and your job is to nurse him back to health. Instead you take a coffee break.




You could, but wouldn't.

Did you stop to consider how your BS would feel about you feeling too crummy for SF, but not too crummy for going out with a friend.

You put yourself first by not only denying his request for reassurance, but also by doing what you wanted...hang with a friend.

You put your wants ahead of his needs. That won't lead you to recovery.




So what are you going to do to make him feel more secure?

How can you meet some of his ENs tomorrow while you are apart?





So your mad that he got sick and couldn't work, but think it's OK for you to deny SF because you feel crummy...but not crummy enough to miss out on going out with a friend.

You placed your marriage in a very low priority spot today.





Honey, your rollercoaster ride ain't no where near what your BS's ride is like.

Turn your focus OFF of yourself. Start asking yourself:

How can I meet my BS top ENs today?
What can I do today to help my BH heal a little more?
How can I make him feel safe with me today?

I appreciate the enlightenment, SMB.

I am also a BS, so I know that feeling as well. Were you able to read my initial post?

As I said, I only speak for myself. When he wants to voice his side (and I've encouraged him many, many times) he has the opportunity.

Each time I offer up receipts, cell texts or bills he'll push them back at me and say, "If I want to see them, I'll ask."

He kept me on a very short leash even pre-A. He would leave me and go out with his friends until 1:00am, but when I went out for coffee with my best friend, he would call me every 10 minutes. Eventually, she stopped calling me to go places. She is about the purest person you will ever meet. Only been with 1 man (her husband), never been drunk, never smoked and has never done drugs. She was in the birthing room when both of my children were born. That's how close of a friend she is.

Three hours at the gym - after working hours...found a way to still have another affair...NOT a tight leash :RollieEyes:

I think you're rewriting your history here.



His poor PAST behavior is not a reason to justify your current poor choice..... Do you recognise that you are justifying your choices instead of looking for a way to make changes in yourself and in the ways you behave?

Doesn't matter if your friend is Mother Theresa, you've missed SMB's point entirely. You chose to be well enough to go out but were too wiped out for SF??