PLAN OF PROTECTION

1. Avoid OW
A. *NC Letter Sent 2/16/09
*Gave *** Copy 2/16/09
*Gave all E-mail Accts/Passwords 2/8/09
*GPS Offered 2/9/09
*Establish daily contact with an accountability partner
*Write myself a letter and tell myself why I'm doing
this. Read the letter to myself if I am ever discouraged or
in a low place.
*Stay away from any locations that I know she may be at.
B. *If OW tries to contact me, I will tell ***.
1.If it is a phone message, I will let her hear it and
then delete it?
2.If it's a test message, I will show it to *** and
then delete it while I'm with her.
3.If it's an email, I will forward it to *** and then
delete it?
4.If she tries to contact me via email more than once,
I will Change my email address.
2. How to protect my love bank and not make deposits in others.
*I will not allow ANYONE of the opposite sex to fulfill any of
my EN.
*My new rule of life---The only people I will allow to meet my
needs are:
1. ***
2. My children
3. My family
4. Male Friends
3. Gambling
*Remember that *** has never liked it that I gamble.
*Do not go to the casino
*Do not go out with friends that I have primarily gambled with
in the past.
*Remember that habitual gambling starts with just one game
every once in a while.
*Remember how terrible and sick I feel when I lose.
4. Overspending
*Start a budget
*When I decide I want to buy something, wait 24 hours and write
down why I should and should not buy it. Make my decision
based on what I see in writing and not how I feel.
*If the needs of my budget have not all been met....DON'T BUY
ANYTHING!!!!!
5. Education
*Start researching online colleges and degree programs.
*Find out if any of my old college credits will still count
towards my degree.



Well here is the first draft for my plan of protection. I wanted to get it started even before my books got here. Let me know if I'm on the right track.

In this I would add what your steps would be if the OW tried to C you...tell your W? If it is a phone message, let her hear it and then delete it? If it's a TM, show it to your W?; an email, forward it to your W and then delete it? Change your email addy if you need to?

All of these things will help your W to know and understand that you are serious about protecting her and that you really, truly want nothing to do with OW.

[My H came up with a of these and typed them up in an email to me, I just copied them from his list of EPs]

Thanks...I added them.

I'm working on my lovebusters and letter to myself Jennifer talked about, but have a question.

My wife told me yesterday that she got and approved the final draft for the settlement agreement yesterday. She said I should receive it Tues/Wed. She talks about it during conversations that she is asking questions about the OW and the affair. She also asked me if I was going to fight it...I told her no and I'm not going to.

I told her I loved her and would continue to show her that I am doing everything I can to earn her trust again someday. I then asked her if there was anything I could do to help with the kids because I knew she had alot of things going on with student conferences coming up and some projects due relating to her masters. She simply replied the best thing you can do for me is sign the divorce papers. I need something/anything to be final and clear cut in my life right now. I didn't know what to say other than ok I will.

I guess I just don't know what to do! I got my books from Dr. Harley today and have been reading the story about Sue/Jon and it is very similar to our situation other than gender reversal as far as BS/WS. Should I have my wife read that? Will it make things worse by just dragging the imagery back into the light? Do I just continue my course of making sure I'm building her trust back when I get chance and otherwise leave her alone?

I just feel like this is a crucial time to really do everything I can...Or is that just the fear/anxiety of knowing she is going to divorce me in 4-5 days and there is nothing I can do in that amount of time for her to realize maybe she should hold off.

The craziest part is that we still are able to talk (public and private)to each other. I just try to listen as much as possible and ask as few questions as necessary. It's amazing how before I would be in conversations with her and only hear half (she would do the same and it actually made us laugh sometimes)but now I honestly and sincerely want to here what happened in her day, how things are going on projects she's working on.

The direction I'm heading is right I think, but just not sure how to go about doing the things Jennifer talked about with her.

I get the sense a few of you are very disapointed that I failed to tell my wife about the trip to pick up my things as well you should be, but I'm not giving up and still haven't and won't talk to or see OW again. It was not only a huge mistake to go get my stuff but also not to tell my wife about it. I just wanted to say it again so that nobody thinks I just shrugged it off as not being a big deal.

What is that Jennifer suggested you do with your W?

ugt...the thing is, these things that you are doing right now are to make YOU a better person. It is and always will be a shame that your W was not willing to give your M one last shot, but that is out of your control. People on these boards HAVE gotten divorced and remarried, but that should not be the REASON you are making these changes.

YOU want to get to a place where you can and will be a better man, father, and husband...to whomever you end up with. Do this for YOURSELF and your CHILDREN. If your (very hurt and sad) W ever decides to give the M another try, she will have a new H,one with integrity, one who has learned so much about marriage, himself, his weaknesses and strengths.

I believe your W thinks that D is going to take all of her pain away...and it won't. It has taken me a very long time to accept that D will not cure my pain...whether you are alone or apart, you both still have a lot of healing to do.

I wish that she would put the D on hold for a short while...time to think a little more about this. If she is still engaging in talk about the OW and the A, etc, then it sounds like she still cares. I hope that she will not regret this decision in the long run...your children are the ones who will really pay for this.

This is, I think, good advice, but -- if it is -- I'm not completely sure you deserve it. Anyway, granting you the benefit of doubt ...


I think you should ask your wife (Liz?) whether she could put things on hold for a short time ... There will be plenty of time to get divorced later ... see if she is willing to just hold off on the filing until this summer (maybe indpendence day would be appropriate) ... Maybe you should buy her the movie Fireproof, and give it to her with a card in which you ask for at least a few more months before making the next step toward divorce ... just to have nothing get signed until this summer ... if she still wants to move forward then, sign the papers and put the legal wheels in motion ... tell her you aren't asking for her to come back to you ... just to give things a few months before pushing forward ... assure her that you will be using that time to become the man she had hoped you were when she married you ... whether she decides to leave the marriage with you or not after the 3 months ... ask her (rhetorically, in the card) "If you KNEW I could become the man you deserve, and that I would care for you by putting our marriage/family first for the rest of our lives, would you still want to leave?" ... I'm pretty sure the honest answer would be no ... she can, obviously, never KNOW and will have to put her FAITH and TRUST into you, and that is WAY TOO BIG right now ... but if she could KNOW it, she would most likely want to keep your marriage/family intact ... ask her (in the card) to watch the movie you've given her, and just to give you both a little more time before taking that next step ... you can still assure her that you will not fight her in the divorce if (or when) she needs to take that step, but it might be worth waiting just a little while, if there is any way AT ALL to reconcile ... (and there may NOT be) ... it would be well worth this wait.

And, Mr. U -- rent (or buy) the movie for yourself also. Work toward changing who YOU are. The movie has religious overtones, but even if you aren't religious WATCH THE MOVIE. You may end up even looking into those materials down the line (either with your wife, or with whomeover you share your life with in the future)

PS -- If you are this man's wife, and you are reading these posts, I don't blame you, at all, for wanting it all to be over. Run from him, if you have to, and I would not blame you at all. BUT, what if it was possible??? I can tell you (WE can tell you) that what may seem insurmountable now, can (sometimes, at least) be overcome. It is possible to go through this and emerge stronger -- with the marriage you have always deserved to have. In any case, we wish you well -- you will be in our thoughts/prayers. We are helping your husband here, in case it can help you to save your marriage, and to have the husband you should always have had. --God Bless.

Mr. and Mrs. Sunshine