You guys are on a roll with this. The distortions are so convincing because they really do believe in their twisted reality. You cannot explain this stuff to someone that has not been through it and have them get it. It's a constant diet of subtle, ambient abuse with some flagrant stuff thrown in. The flagrant stuff, like cheating, folks seem to recognize as clearly abusive. But, try to explain the sarcasm, eye rolling silent treatments and folks think you are making a big deal about minor stuff. But, for me it was this constant minoer stuff that was hurting the most. It was relentless.

Zelmo,

They do have a twisted reality, and it's not conducive to marriage, on any healthy level, but they don't know this.

Mine wasn't BPD or anything like that, just your garden variety sociopathic, con artist, with a wife in another state and a girlfriend up north (now his like fifth wife or something).

I'm glad you got out.

There is so much happiness in this life. Life is so incredible. I feel blessed beyond belief to be away from my ex. Thank God we didn't have kids together, but Ap has a son with his, so it's a horse of a completely nutha crayola.

I'm hoping you don't have kids with her. If you do, are you handling that part of it okay?

That's the tough part. We have 3 kids, all girls, who were exposed to her moving her OM in almost as soon as she moved out. My lawyer was the first one to suggest BPD, although I think she's a combo platter of BPD, NPD, and ASPD. My lawyer also told me I had no shot at custody with no dx, and no evidence of the kids being abused or neglected. Her OM lasted about a year, then , after seeing each other in the light of day and escalating fighting, the affair dissolved.
I was forutnate. My XW's family supported me, giving me her history of affairs with married men before I knew her, and an assortment of other info, including telling me she had not graduated college as she told me, but had quit, sent home fake transcripts, and shacked up with a married guy her senior year.
Most folks dealing with these vampires don't get that kind of support, with her mom dallingher a sociopath and her dad characterizing her as a habitual liar who "re-invnets herself" every 4-5 years. He apologized for not telling me sooner. He said they had hoped she had changed and did not want to rock the boat.
My kids are really close to me and I visit them at school and have them weekends. I'm told that there is a vey good chance that whenthey hit the teenage years and begin to stand up to her, they willend up with me. I hope so.
for now, all I can do is be vigilant to the extent possible. She was arrested in front of the kids 7 months ago for failing to show up for court to deal with two misdemeanor driving charges.
Sorry for the T/J.

WoW :MrEEk:

Youse guys got INSIGHT [/quote

I'd never heard of these personality disorders before my lawyer, a forme social worker and my therapist independently told me to research them.
Then, it was off to the races with researching.

It opened my eyes. Why was I being routinely doused with cold water in the shower. Why was i getting the silent treatment for days for things like visiting my son, her stepson at school for lunch? Why was i being told I was like a woman and had no penis.
Why was she bouncing all these checks and buying shoes and bikinis and a load of crap that we did not need(stockpiling lampshades, pillows, polar fleece, etc) Why did I have tosleep in the guest room so the kids could sleep in our bed every night for 7 years. It was a nightmare and I cannot believ how messed up I was to have tolerated this(working on that).
But, it's insidious. It starts slow and builds and is relentless(the frog being slowly boiled).
It is death.

Or the lies are better than they are at recognizing the fact they're lying? I used 2 think that my W's comment, that lies of omission and secrecy are not such, but simple privacy, was a calculated statement. But it wasn't. She wasn't consciously rationalizing that perspective. It had mastery of her. Still does, 2 a degree.


Yes. BSs of VLTAs need 2 remind themselves periodically of the positive changes in perspective that they've experienced since d-day. I know I do. It's easy 2 get "bent" back 2 an earlier evolutionary state of perception of reality by letting one's self get sucked back in2 the post d-day drama. Which is why I don't read here as often as I used 2.


For me, it's only been 20 years or so now. Thank God it's not a contest! And I'm not religious!

-ol' 2long

Very well said! One of the problems with my H is he seems to lack the ability to really empathize with the other person. FOO issues or not, at some point you have to see the others POV.

I will never have the details of this long, strung out affair. I will never know the whole truth but at some point it doesn't really matter any more. Not to jack appy's thread but I can tell you life is better when they stop lying to you. I am much more at ease. Now I need to give him a road map to helping me through triggers and hopefully a road map to filling my EN's. Ap, I don't know how you have survived except to deny you have any EN's. My LB is pretty dried up and I only had to survive 2 A's over a 8 year period.

My underline.

26 years of relentless silent treatment. Makes one think they are the problem. In so many ways I am glad to be here in this club that no one wants to belong to. I feel sane once again and feel support as I am being made insane finally learning about the life that was going on all around me while I waited and waited and worked on a marriage that was not ever going to be a marriage. Thanks for your stories, they are helpful.