**edit**

**edit** I have done everything recommended I do and the things I have not been able to do I am still working on doing.

You seem to not be satisfied unless the BH stomps a mudhole in the [censored] of the WW and the OM. The bitterness in you will eat you alive sir.

Lets see, I could lose control of myself and wind up like you or I could do things the way 90% of the other posters think I should. I think I would rather follow the advice of those who seem to be happy now instead of one who is allowing themselves to be eaten to the core.

rs,

Due to your mental state during this time, your opinion of me is irrelevant. I was only trying to help get you to take SOME meaningful action to HELP YOURSELF.

**edit**

You may not believe it, but due to our shared common status, I really do have a connection with, care about, and would like to help other BH's. However, I've found that BH's who have been beaten down TOO FAR just aren't capable of responding to this style.

Since I'm not helping, I'll leave your thread with a sincere wish that you can find the strength to move forward with your life.

Good Luck!!!

Please keep your posts respectful and productive to the thread originator. We don't want to have to lock this thread.

**edit**

Moderators note: please stop disrupting this thread. If you want to discuss moderator actions, do it via email.

Wow!

Hi Rusty,

It's been a while since I've seen a post by you. How are things going? I'm still cheering for you! I hope you're not in the slammer for assault and battery against OM. You're supposed to pay someone else to do that. Just kidding.

With regards to confronting OM, can anyone quote the Harley's on this one? I don't know what the Harley's say about this.

When I exposed my WW's tawdry affair, I did include an email to OM that was very business-like and to the point. No threats, just telling him that I would like him to end contact with WW and that I was fighting for our marriage. He didn't reply back...

Later, in a moment of weakness, I broke down and emailed OM (from a fake email address) with some stupid vague threats. He emailed me back and told me not to threaten him. I emailed him back and called him some expletives. He didn't reply back. I actually regret sending the hate mail because it probably reinforced his and my wife's image of me being some kind of monster. Hip hip hurray....

But that's all in the past now and I am plan A'ing the h e l l out of her at the moment. Going to try to keep it up for 6 months.

I just re-read an article by Dr. Harley explaining how plan A is where you compete with OM by meeting WW's ENs.

If you get a chance, let us know how you're doing!

Thanks for the post erichh. Glad to see you are still able to plan A. I hope nothing but the best for you.

I have just been chugging along in Plan A. Called and talked to OMW a few days ago. Talked to her for about 80 minutes. She went to WW and OM place of work to take him some stuff and went off on him. I found out quite a bit about OM that I did not know. The first A that OMW discovered was a little bit after they were married. OM was having an A when they got married. OW in that A actually called and talked to him on their honeymoon.

WW broke it off with OM Friday but they still work together so until one of them leaves or gets fired it can fire back up at any time. WW broke it off because she found out about him having other girls besides just her. She told him she was tired of the emotional rollercoaster.

Took WW out yesterday to her favorite restaurant and to the movies. Had a good time except for the fact that she is cold and distant. I noticed that she was pretty receptive to me for the first part of the day. Laughing, me touching her arm and stuff while talking and then she shut it down about half way through the day. SHe stopped talking, and wanted me to stop touching her. Whats the deal with that? She catch herself letting in some LB$$ deposits on accident?

WW is wanting to quit her job because of all of this but we have a problem. Her dumba$$ dad. He is going to be helping her with rent and is fighting hard for her to not screw up and lose or quit her job. He want to make sure it is "stable" for her and all. I want to beat my FIL more than I want to beat OM. He tells her he wants her to hurry up and decide and all that. He is actually kind of pushing her to come back without pushing her to come back if that makes any sense but he is doing so many things wrong. He doesnt support the marriage at all, just what WW is "feeling" at the moment is what counts. He also is putting pressure on her to not leave the job with OM because she needs "stable employment". In short, he is enabling her to destroy her M.

WW is still very depressed and torn up inside. She can't sleep and her Dr. prescribed her sleeping pills. This is very out of character for WW because she is always a big sleeper. She can sleep like 11 hours a day if you let her and has no problems falling asleep. WW will still not commit to come home and fix the M. Her current theme is always saying "I can't promise that I will come back to you". I know it is all fog talk and all but WTH? WW feels like she is going crazy and her stress is crushing her. Wonder if she realises yet that is all her own making?

Tell FIL importance of NC for WW and OM and job.

Every time I tell FIL anything that would be supportive, he sees it as my trying to tell him what to do. He is a real jerk and doesnt really sem to care what happens to his daughters marriage or his grandchildren. He only wants to outdo MIL and all that in "helping" his daughter. He has been a problem in the marriage from the beginning.

Oh yeah, I have gotten all but a few things in my plan A down. Here are my 2 problems.

1)Her "affair friends". When she talks about them and all that and I tell her that they arent her friends and all that is a DJ. Right? I accidentally occasionally mention what the A is doing to me and the kids if something happens that brings it to the surface. Is this a DJ? Anything that makes them unhappy is a DJ, right? Are there any tips on remembering to not LB in this fashion? This one has been the hardest for me and I am just wanting to be able to identify them all and catch myself before I do anything.

2)When we are sitting together and talking and all I will touch her arm or leg or put my arm on her back. She will be fine with this for a while and then she will tell me I am being too touchy. I want to touch her just enough to convey love to her but not enough that I seem "touchy". How do I knwo or just watch for sign for when she starts pulling back from them?

Thanks guys

This was the only LB that I did since I began plan A'ing again about 3 weeks ago. I brought up the A and how it made me feel and she got very upset for a few minutes. I was quick to let it go and move on. She told me that she is hard enough on herself and doesn't need me to bring it up...

I think that once WS's come out of the fog, they will fully comprehend the damage they have done with the A and probably don't need us rubbing their noses in it... I'd just focus on ENs until NC is established for a while...


I've been thinking about this one also. I haven't attempted to touch WW since I started plan A'ing again. She has touched me on a couple of occasions though. I feel like I'm ready to try to hug her again but I feel very awkward about initiating it when she is still in contact with OM. I don't want her to think that I am trying to get something out of her. If I hug her I want it to be obvious that I am GIVING her a hug, not taking one from her if that makes any sense.

I'm hoping for an opportunity to hug her when she is feeling down or something so that it is obvious that I am trying to cheer her up and comfort her and not trying to get a hug for my own pleasure...

Maybe I'm over-thinking this..

I would take her being torn up inside as a very good thing because the Harleys talk about this as a step to recovery. I believe it is the Withdrawal phase of the A. Only problem is that she can't really establish NC while they work at the same place so she could be in this state for quite some time because every time she even sees this a-hole, it will start her clock all over again..

I think the Harley's say that Withdrawal can last about 3 months?

I get happy every time my wife is depressed because I interpret it to mean that things are going bad with OM. When she is really happy, I interpret that to mean things are going well with OM.... Kind of twisted isn't it?

My WW has been depressed the whole time.

I have done a really good job of meeting her EN that she will let me meet but then screw it up with a DJ. Whats the ratio? like 20:1? I have found out that the pressure she feels from the occasional DJ is keeping her distanced from me. SHe talks to her mom about this stuff and it has been my biggest problem for the past month and a half. I hate her friends and that turns into a DJ sometimes.

I am about ready to throw in the towel. Not because of WW but because of her no-good, low down POS dad. Living on her own, WW will be barely able to scrape by in life. Stupid enabling FIL has decided to buy her a frickin house!!! Her payments to him? $50 a week.

Am I wrong to think that this sends the message that she will be rewarded for her bad behavior and decisions??? How is she supposed to feel consequences for her actions if they bail her [censored] out??


I just have a feeling this may be the thing that keeps her away for good and I am pi$$ed.

Rusty,

It is time you grew up. I know that sounds condesending, but please step back and look at what you just wrote. Her Dad is going to do what he is going to do. Your W is going to do what she is going to do. You have no control over either of them and you are trying to educate them.

How long have you been in plan A? Are you still feeling strong? If not, it may be time for plan B. Your W is in conflict and often times that is the best time for you to back off. You mere presence will reinforce this conflict and you will be the focus of it, when in fact the conflict is within her.

Step back, no touching, don't call, let her call you. When you talk always be nice but...distant. Offer her no advice. Simply repeat what she says. She complains about her decisions. Your response "you seem to have a lot of decisions to make." She complains about not knowing what to do. YOu acknowledge that "not knowing what to do is a major pain in the puttoot."

But, what you cannot do is work HER problems for her. She has to come to you and ASK for advice. You have to be who you are, be what you are, and then be patient.

Your other option is to realize the issues you see with her Dad are likely part of her as well. That is not a pleasant thought, but people do not stray far from their roots.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

I understand. I havent tried to educate them or anything, I have kept this to myself. I feel great still in plan A. Just feeling a good rant coming along and had to get it out. I just felt like they are undermining my family and rewarding the WW's bad behavior.

JL, so you are suggesting that I back way off and seem kind of distant for my plan A right now? I have been doing all I can for her and it isnt working worth a crap. Just seems to be upsetting her. I value your input a LOT and will do exactly as you just said. Anything else I should know?

Rusty,

Here is the deal as I see it. Your W is in withdrawal. It is like a drug addict. Nothing you can do or will do pleases them. Most people when confronted with constant rejection don't back off, they leave or LB. When I say back off I mean, let her take the lead on contact for awhile. You are still in plan A, but a plan A that is less pressure and more "being there". Which means, she can reach you, she can talk to you, you will talk to her, but you simply cannot let her actions and those of her father get to you.

You have your boundaries, enforce them. You know you need to show her a way back, so be pleasant, but give her some space. The A is over right now, she is in withdrawal. She will begin to see what she is done, and she won't be proud of it. But, just remember SHE MUST SEE.

I have a saying that I think you need to really take to heart. I tell people You need to understand this and embrace it. She will not lead her life like you would lead it for her. NO matter who wrong she is, and she is very wrong, you need to remember this. All you can control is your approach to handling your life.

So step back a little, remember you are still in plan A, but let her reach out to you a bit.

Just thoughts I hope they help.

God Bless,

JL

My gut feeling reading that says your are right JL. I will do exactly that. I guess I am about to see how many days she goes without talking to me. lol

Oh well, in the end if she screws it up then it is her loss.

IMO, calmly describing the A's ramifications would not be a DJ, but a prerequisite to rebuilding the relationship. But that's just me. However, telling her how much it's hurt you...that does what good?

If I were your wife, I would not mind a hug now and then, grabbing her hand now and then, maybe arm around her while watching a movie. Doubt she's ready for more than that. Any 'lingering' touches would be off limites.