W2S...DUDE...

Do you realize that you just typed a Richard Marx song OUT LOUD?

On an elevator, when you hear that song do you go, "Dude, this guy so ROCKS! CRANK IT!!!"???

You realize, of course, that you will never live this down with me, right?

Mrs. W

Mrs. W,

WHATEVER!!!!! Richard Marx totally rocked back in the day!

So what....I'm a sappy die hard romantic! At least I didn't post this one!

Want2Stay

Hey now....I like that song.

BR,

For me, the anxiety is always worse than the event. It wasn't a bad day, but it still ticked me off pretty good that I couldn't block it out in my head. It was much better than the first year, but still not as good as I had hoped. Don't worry you're doing just fine. Hang in there and keep the faith....

Want2Stay

For me, D-Day was three weeks after ILUBNILWI and three weeks of extreme abuse and blame shifting from WW. I was at the lowest I ever was in my life - I was gaslighted to the point where I believed WW spent 10 horrible years with me and it was ALL MY FAULT!


On D-Day, it was bad, I walked in on them naked in bed together, but, it was that day that marked the beginning of me coming out of a deep, deep, deep abyss. I realized it wasn't all my fault. I don't know what D-Day will mean in time - the book on my marriage is still being written.

Did you suspect an affair before you walked in on them, or were you blindsided?

Krazy, Runnerboy, and PSUBiker. You guys are all members of a club NOBODY wants to be a part of. It's bad enough imagining it. I had the same experience with a girlfriend when I was a teen and I can't even begin to phathom what those emotions are like in M. I know it defined how I felt about infidelity. I thought I had done everything I could to protect myself from it, but evidently I forgot to dot an I or cross a T somewhere. I would imagine it's a contributing factor to my anxiety.

Want2Stay

Hey W2S,

I have noticed that you post here when something like this is burdening you. Nothing wrong with that! I think that's a great way to progress through your recovery. Support and encouragement are one of the great blessings of being here.

A BS faces the challenge of walking the balance between stuffing the sorrow and grief and "scab picking" I guess you could say. If we stuff it all the time, we never make it past the early stage of recovery. If we scab pick all the time, we never make it past the early stage of recovery.

So what do we do?

We progress THROUGH the ups and downs. Dr. H recommends an average of 2 years. We know that already, don't we? So it shouldn't surprise us that with just one year behind us, we still have downs and we still need to revisit the darkness sometimes.

Several years back I spoke at a ladies evening at church on the topic of healing from a miscarriage. After I spoke and we began a prayer time, many, many of those ladies began to weep in great anguish. As we prayed with them, I learned that they had suffered miscarriages or stillbirths from years, or even decades, before. Why was their grief so enormous? Because no one gave them permission to progress through the natural, normal stages of recovering from such a huge loss.

The well-intentioned people around them wanted them to "move on" and "let it go", all the while denying these women the right to go through the STAGES of grief. So their grief was hidden deep inside and stayed as raw as it was when the loss first happened.

You know, I still cry when a friend loses a baby. I cry for them and I cry for me. But that grief no longers CONSUMES me. It did. For WELL OVER a year. I had triggers from that experience. Those triggers lost their grip on me. Not immediately. Not after one year. But now, after several years, I can look back and see that I don't get stabbed in the heart when I hear about a miscarriage. It doesn't take me BACK to those raw emotions.

And so it will be one day with infidelity and all the triggers I deal with now.

I had the same experience as I walked the healing journey of childhood sexual abuse. There were some huge triggers from those years. But the more I acknowledged that they existed and shared them with someone, the more control I TOOK over them. Those triggers haven't controlled me for years.

It just loses it's power over time if we are walking the road to healing.



And about those dates???

Just as the anniversary date of the death of a loved one are never forgotten, I don't suspect the a D-day date is ever forgotten. I suspect we've already lived the hardest anniversary date, and from here on out, it'll have less impact each year. But if we expect that this year, or next year, we won't think about it, we're just being unrealistic. But I think that the year will come when the date passes unnoticed and we look on the calendar and think, "Wow, I didn't even notice."

I'm approaching those 2nd year dates again, too. There are so many dates for me that eventually I know I won't be able to keep them straight (thankfully)...affair started, our anniversary, D-day, Mother's Day, our children's birthdates, D-day #2 and #3, and him leaving once and then twice. There was so much crazy, hurtful stuff. Can I hate an entire season? Or maybe two?

Or, here's one for you...

I miscarried in 1997
tst's affair was in 2007

I hope I'm dead by 2017

Although tst promises to make that year very special.

Dates mean something special to me. They always have. That doesn't mean I don't appreciate every day I have been given. But on my children's birthdates, I reminesce about their birth and how we've celebrated in the past. Some people just let birthdays blow over with just a quick "happy birthday".

We're not all built the same.

I think this is THE KEY to deactivating triggers.

And it doesn't even have to be on THAT day. I don't want to mark THAT day as anything more than it already gets.

BUT the more positive memories, special moments, and "new" traditions you and Lala and your kids create, the less these dates stay relevant.

I hope you two can soon get your 15+ hours a week back in the schedule. Without it, healing IS slower.

Slight T/J here sorry.

SMB i just wanted to comment to you how much i love to read your posts. You always state your thoughts so eloquently.

I HIGHLY suspected an affair but WW and OM did a masterfull job gaslighting me and making be look like the crazy one. WW had the perfect cover - OM is a 2nd cousin. When asked why she's spending so much time with OM, the answer was always he's my cousin for crying out loud - there's nothing going on. It was VERY easy to believe.

Yikes....and yuck.

Sorry to hear it.

Thank you, that was very kind of you to say.

W2S~

OK. You've "outed" me. That song was the EXACT reason for my screen name. That, and the fact that my FWH was living hours away at the time, on his own, and tied up with OW. While I was "Right Here Waiting."

ETA: Oh, dear. It appears my sappy mentality has uncovered yours...Sorry about the "grief" it's gonna cause you with Mrs. W.

Cool! I wasn't sure if your name was because of the song or not.

Don't worry about Mrs. W giving me any grief. I'm kind of used to it at this point. I owe her a lot for reaching out to my DW in the beginning so I try to cut her some slack.

Besides, I wear my sappiness with pride! My DW digs it!

Want2Stay

p.s. Can we talk about tools or lawn mowers now?

Honestly, I wasn't really in that bad of a place. It was something that LaLa and I had discussed and I wanted to see where I am compared with other BSs. You are right being here is a blessing, but having our FWS here too can be a curse at times. For the most part, I deal with the truly gnarly emotions I have internally out of concern for LaLa. I view myself as her protector, even if that means protecting her from me. She has been awesome since she committed to R and I don't want to discourage the efforts she is making. So, I try to deal with it on my own or beat up BK about it.


It sure is a delicate balancing act. Look at it a little too deep and it can be difficult to get back out. Stuff it down too much and it can fester and lead to resentment. I think it's just part of the healing process.



I made the same comparison about the death of a loved one. It has faded from last year to this one. We have made a lot of progress in the past year and some of the stuff has lost it's sting. It still hurts just not as bad and I expect with each passing year it will fade more and more.


We are kind of on the same R schedule huh? I think you and Tst started recovery in Oct. and LaLa and I started R in Dec. Although, I do feel silly for the comparison because what we have been through is tame compared to what you two have gone through. I get a lot of strength and hope seeing what others have been able to overcome. Your story is truly inspirational.

Want2Stay