The only thing I would add to what JL said is that earlier, you were talking about DJs. Please read up on what a DJ is, as it appears you may not have a full grasp on them.

But a quick note: making her angry is not necessarily a DJ.

Thanks catperson, that's exactly what I needed to know.

MM, I think I know the difference. In SAA it says a DJ is trying to "educate them" and saying anything that makes it seem that your knowledge or whatever is above theirs and maybe not caring about their view or opinion. If I got part or all of that wrong, please help me.

Thanks for all the advice guys. WW is a strange duck, W was a lot different person.

Hi Rusty,

Actually, MM is telling you to look a bit deeper on the DJ thing. A DJ is an assumption, often based on no data but simply supposition. Almost always actions,decisions, plans based on assumptions go up in smoke and often do more harm than good.

You are making assumptions about her based on information you don't have. Don't do that. If she does something you don't understand, then ask her about it, don't guess.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL, I needed that. You are right. The problem is a lot of the time if I ask then she seems like she thinks I should just know.

For WW dad to help her out, like I said earlier, he wanted her to show him a budget, tell him how stable her job was, and tell him where she was with me. I checked her outgoing email from last night and she wrote it all out to him. I am going to post the part about me. Is this typical fog babble or something more?

To be honest with you dad, I would divorce ***** right now if he would let me, but he told me that he will not sign the divorvce papers for two years. stepmom was concerned that I was sending mixed signals when it came to *****. Yes i have been texting him, and yes he comes over a lot more than i ever want him to. I let him do this because I am so scared that he will try to take my kids away from me because of the affair. That scares me more than anything, and that is why i have been kissing his [censored] all this time and letting myself go through so much stress with him. I really do not want to go back with him at all. I honestly cannot say in 10 to 20 years from now we will not get back together, because I cannot predict the future. But as of present, I DO NOT!


She tells me the same thing about the 10-20 years and crap. She has told me everything she wrote but then when she says the part about the 10-20 years she also says maybe sooner, blah blah blah. WW can give me such a headache sometimes. Makes it look like I push myself on her and she never invites me over or anything. I guess it's the part where it must be all my fault. Oh well.

Here was his email trying to rush her decision.

(4) ***** - So where are we on this issue? We have left you alone on this because it is something that you need to decide on your own. Would you ever consider going back? Do you feel that he has "changed" in a way that would last longer than two days? Is he treating you differently?

My opinion is that you have made an important stand here by separating. The children will survive. The question is "Is the marriage over?" If you know that it is definitely over, than that is one thing. If it is over then it is over, and you proceed one way. If, however, you have doubts, then that is a completely different ball game.


If you believe that reconciliation is a possibility, then I suggest that you consider going back to living with ***** to try it out before you go the full way and live by yourself. However, I do believe that the conditions of this "trial" have to be clear: he needs to be employed, he needs to treat you and the children with respect, he needs to let go of the past.

I'm not saying to go back... that is your decision and your decision alone. I am just saying that you are at a critical point here. If there is no chance of reconciling, then so be it and move on. Game over. If, on the other hand, there is a possibility to pull this marriage together, now is probably the time,


For some reason he thinks that if I am self employed then I don't have a job. I make the same as a local job around here pays and am building more business up right now. How can he honestly say that it has to be all her decision and tear me down at the same time?

Rusty,

I don't know how he can say what he says, but the perception is that you don't do a good job of supporting your family and/or making it a good place to be.

Your job is to work on that perception. As for her comments, they may be true, but she has not filed for divorce yet has she? However, she is not taking responsibility for her affair either.

As I said before, you need to back off.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks JL. The past couple of years WW was the main breadwinner of the family because I have been in college and working my own business. WW stayed at home a couple of times like when we had our second child and I worked my own business, a full time job and went to school. She finally had to go back to work because I couldnt do all of those and keep house...she's not much of a housekeeper. She has worked instead of being a SAHM because she cannot motivate herself at home. When she has a job she works good.

The perception of it not being a good place to be is because when she went wayward she called up all of her family and made me out to be a monster to justify her leaving to carry on the A. I had to tell them all about the A.

As for the backing off, I am doing that. I didnt call or text her at all today but then she called me and asked if she could come over and eat before she left for work. I said sure and made her something. In her email to her dad she makes it seem like I am pushing myself on her, I am but she also does stuff like asking me to stay for a while when I drop off the kids and stuff like today. I will not call or text her unless it is something about the kids. I am backing waaay off.

I have a STRONG reason to believe WW was able to break it off with OM last Friday is because she has found OM2. I think she started seeing another guy last Wednesday. If I am right, what do I do?

As I see it, you have one chance and one chance only to save this marriage: scrape up every penny you can afford and hire the best damm PI you can afford.

And do what? Sorry, but I need to know.

(1) Find out if she is on to another man; at which point you stage a massive attack and tell her to cease and desist or never darken your door again.

(2) Use the strength you gained from hiring a PI to stage a massive mental attack and tell her it's time to move - one way or another.

Women have to respect their man. If they don't, they practically need to walk all over him.

Thanks catperson...I will see what I can get done. My only problem right now is that WW will walk away if I present her with an ultimatum. I really believe that.

Don't take this to mean I will not do it, I am going to set to work all I can. Good thing my tax returns come back this weekend.

If she walks away, she was already gone. Better to find out now than later.

She was slowly starting to think about wanting to come back occasionally while her A to OM was crumbling. Now she is back to square 1.

I was thinking about keeping up what JL said to do or immediately go to plan B and wait. I dont know what to do.

As for the now or later, I need time to heal anyways so would a plan B where I delayed D work good to see what happens or???

I'm sorry, Rusty, but if she's on to OM#2 without even really taking a deep breath after OM#1, I'm not sure there's anything there worth saving. Once can be a mistake. After that, it's starts to be a pattern, and I think you and your children deserve better than that.

tl

Her frickin affair friend set this up. I told her this would happen with those worthless friends.

So, plan B for life or?????

Plan B for yourself. To take care of yourself and give you time to heal. Definitely. Plus probably the only chance of opening her eyes.

OK. I am getting things ready over the course of the next 2-3 days and will be handing her the plan B letter Friday. Sound good?

A few years back, when Neak and AJ's troubles brought me to MB to check the place out, I ended up telling MB and the world about my youthful straying from the path of discretion, in The Sad Saga of OtherSusan the Stupid. I'm not going to repeat it here. Dancing emotionally-naked on the tabletop once was enough.

But I'm mentioning it simply so I can say that, having spent the intervening 36+ years staying as far away from the edge as I could possibly get, I am extraordinarily leery about anyone who does this twice. Your WW is setting off alarms for me all over the place. Getting burned isn't going to feel any better for you the second time around.

tl

I completely agree with Susan the not so stupid