I'm in a weird place because I'm divorced and pretty happy about that. I hope everything works out for you. I bet your husband appreciates that you are a good mom and are taking care of him as well. I hope he can forgive this, but it is a big thing to forgive. I've been wondering how I would feel in his shoes and I think the pre-marriage A and then entering the marriage under the cloud of deception would be the hardest thing for me to forgive. My reasoning about this is that you didn't give him a chance to make his own choice, you took that from him.

How do you think about that situation? Is it something you can apologize for in a specific way? I mean like saying "I entered this M under false pretenses because I didn't want to lose you, but that was wrong because I stole your chance to make your own choice. I'm sorry but I don't know how to fix it."

Independent Behavior isn't the sole domain of a BS. My guess is that IB has been an issue within your marriage almost from the very beginning. I know it was in ours. And the ultimate act of IB is an affair.

In our house it is my wife who has the real control over our money. She is, after all, a CFO for a small corporation. Her training is in finance, banking and accounting. So in our case it made sense for her to take the reigns of our finances for the most part.

In addition, for 12 years of our marriage, I worked for a company that sent me all over the country for jobs, though most of them were in the Midwest. I spent 160 nights in the same Holiday Inn in one year and that wasn't the only place I went that year, so if someone was waiting for a check from me they could be waiting a while. So for those years, I made the money and she spent it.

But today I am home every night. I make less than I did back then but it is rare that I am gone from home except for personal recreation. (Fishing trips ) But my wife still knows the balance in our checking account at any given moment and I have no clue most of the time.

But she also says we don't have the money for me to buy things that I want while always seeming to find the money for things she decides she would like. Often these things are things I would like as well but are so far down my list of priorities that I would like a hundred other things before I get to them.

Now the thing about IB behavior, whether related to money or anything else, is that it is always a Love Buster. Even for those who don't rank it high on their list as something that really bugs them, it still drains the Love Bank a little at a time until the account is bankrupt.

But like E has said, until the A has been dealt with, the base line issues might need to be put on hold. Until your husband gets that the A was your choice and he did not cause it but at the same time it was, in part, his actions that set up the environment in which an affair became an option for you, it will not be received very well to point out that he needs to make changes.

My guess is that for many years you dealt with his IB with what Neil McClendon calls, "gunny sackin'." That is, you took what he did that you didn't like and put it into a gunny sack, thinking you were throwing it out but really saving it up until some future time when it would get dumped out along with whatever else had been accumulated. What this does is build a huge pool of resentment over time and resentment is one of the key components in almost every affair. It is the resentment over past wrongs, real or perceived that fuels the entitlement required to self-justify beginning an affair.

One of the problems any of us who are here learning about all this stuff must deal with is that in most cases our spouse is not here and not on board with what we have found to be the overall answer to our problems. If my wife doesn't see IB as a LB and doesn't consider it to be a problem for her but only MY problem then I am going to have a very hard time getting her to change her IB into something that will not cause me to go into a state of Withdrawal and step back at a time when we really need to be on the same page.

But if I can't get her to buy into the idea, then I have to decide what I can do about it. Unfortunately, I can only change what is within my sphere of influence and that means ME.

Conflict of any kind must eventually be dealt with. Putting it away till later doesn't make it go away. Pretending that it doesn't exist nor doesn't matter can't fix it. But there are times when you simply can't resolve a conflict because your spouse is not willing to resolve it at the moment. What I do is to make a conscious decision to, not just ignore it or pretend it didn't happen but to put it on hold till some other problem is dealt with first.

The problem is that it still must be resolved and won't go away until it has been, but I make a decision to put it off with that understanding, knowing that I cannot allow it to become my primary focus in any argument we might have because I was the one who decided to put it's resolution off till some later date.

What I found interesting is that some of these things actually resolved themselves as I worked on other aspects of the marriage. As I worked on my issues, some of hers began to melt away before my eyes and I can only conclude that some of what she did was in direct response to what I was doing. As I changed what I did, her actions changed as well.

I also found out that as other aspects of our marriage improved, some of those things became less important. When our LB$ is full our Taker is more willing to take a backseat in some things and we are able to forgive what would be seen as a personal assault under less favorable conditions as nothing more than simple thoughtlessness. (Never attribute to malice, that which is adequately explained by ignorance...or stupidity...)

So three months out from D-day, the worst day of his life and the most painful thing he is likely to experience for quite some time to come, he is still the same guy he always was in some ways and doesn't seem to know for sure what he wants to do. I won't expand further on this unless you want me to...

But he isn't willing to talk about fixing the basic parameters of the marriage that need to be addressed. Could he maybe examining the relationship to see if he can find anything left that makes it worth fixing?

I had a 1987 Mustang GT. It wasn't a typical 87 either. I had a bunch of go-fast parts on this thing. It had trick heads, fancy fuel injection, brakes that worked like retro-rockets, adjustable suspension parts, sticky tires...This sucker passed anything but a fuel pump. If I spent a day cleaning, waxing and detailing and parked it outside the office where I worked, people driving by would stop to look at it. It was sweeeet...

But it also had 120K miles on it. It was so much fun to drive in the summer we used to go for a ride just to smell the tire smoke. One day I looked at it and it needed brakes, tires (over 200 bucks each), the paint was looking a little thin in places, the seats were about worn out, the belts looked frayed around the edges...People who knew me thought of the Mustang in the same instant they thought of ME. It was part of me. It was what defined me in many folks eyes and no one, myself included could imagine me without it strapped under my butt.

I had changed jobs, had tools to haul around, had quit racing and was getting into bass fishing...

I LOVED that car... (Not fun at all in the winter, BTW. It was very scary in the snow and ice since everything happened instantly when you did anything at all)

Now I could have put it in the shop and fixed it up so that it was better than new. (It was already faster than new, cornered better than new, stopped better than new, looked almost as good as new...) But I had to decide if it was worth the money, time and work that it would take or if something else that fit my current needs wasn't maybe a better option for me.

Soon after D-day a BS must make a choice. Do I fix this marriage or not? It isn't an easy decision to make. The better it was before it failed the harder it is to give up. (Keep in mind this is from the BS perspective) The decision is one that can't be rushed because it is hard to change later.

I bought a pickup truck... :MrEEk:

None of my friends could believe it!

But when I had to decide what to do with my marriage, I put it in the shop, took the wheels off, pulled the motor and started working on it. I'm still trying to get it to what I want for it and from it. But on a good day, we take it out for a drive and I'm glad I kept it...


But first I had to tow it home since it was hopelessly broken and unusable for quite a while.

Might have been easier to replace than to fix, but I had to make that decision and I did...It took a while to make it though...

Every day he doesn't decide to get a new one is another day closer to putting it in the shop. It might never be as racy or fast or polished as it could have been, but eventually it will get fixed enough to be usable.

On a hot summer day I sure do miss that car...

But I get over it as my wife and I drive my truck to the boat ramp to go fishing...

It took me almost a full year to know that I was going to fix it and not replace it, BTW. It was as she took care of me when I was sick that I came to realize it was still worth fixing.

Mark

L4 and E,

I have been reading your posts, L4, from the beginning and, E ,I have just read a few of yours. I am a FWW 16 months out from DDay. Both of your last posts have really helped in putting into words what I have been feeling.

My H has not forgiven me and he too questioned me about the hypocrisy of my religious faith and how I could have an A. I, too, questioned that myself and questioned whether God could forgive me. I am at a point now that I know that God has forgiven me.

I have gotten past the triggers ( helped that I have been 8000 miles away from OM ) but I understand the "triggering" that made me realize how shameful I behaved and what terrible pain I brought to my H, not dreams of the OM. Now, I rarely think of him and if I do, it's the stupidity and shame of my behavior that overwhelms me.

L4, I too see how you are very caring towards your H and how remorseful you are. I think you are doing great.

E, your long post was spot-on for me. I have endured incredibly hurtful AO and DJ to the point where I wondered if I could survive. I took that for a long time, but through reading MB I realized that I CAN have boundaries. I believe we are at a better place in our R now as the AO have gone down to almost none.

I continue to remind myself of how easily vulnerable I was to having an A and keep my protection plan firmly in place. My H knows of this protection plan and slowly, very slowly, he may learn to trust me again. I keep in mind how badly I hurt him.

My H and I counseled with SH and I know that MB has kept this marriage together so far. I continue to read stories of WW's like you L4 ( E, I have to catch up on yours ) and it helps to remind me what I need to do for my H. It takes time,time,time.......

I also have the issue of concern about going back to where we were pre-A but that is for another post.

I don't post very often as you can see, but I read alot on these forums.

I hope this wasn't too much of a TJ.

Thanks for inspiring me to write. I hope I can help in some way.

Hello Looking4, You are receiving a lot of good advice. I hope you sift through it and do what I recommended you do, which is to use what seems applicable to you and your husband.

You asked what the big question was?

Do you know why your husband does not respect you?

Why the independent behaviour?

Why he does not look at you with forgiveness?

Why he wonders if you are a quality woman to spend the rest of his life with?

Why he wonders if he is the man you really want?

Dorothy, you could have gone home anytime you wanted...

Your husband wants his W back...

NOT a former wandering anything...

his W...

How in the world is he supposed to VALUE a woman who doesn't VALUE herself?

How is he to FORGIVE a woman who is showing him that she will not FORGIVE herself?

It doesn't work that you get to see HIM change first...

He watched YOU become the one that changed into the WW without giving him a chance to change...

It's not his job to forgive you BEFORE you forgive yourself...

He wants to see WHAT there is to come back to...

YOU ARE SHOWING HIM THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN FORGIVE YOURSELF, LET ALONE THAT HE SHOULD!!!

THAT WHAT YOU DID IS UNFORGIVEABLE!!!

AND YOU EXPECT HIM TO FORGIVE YOU???

HE'S HOPING THAT THERE IS A REAL WOMAN IN THERE THAT WILL STAND UP AND RESPECT HERSELF BY STANDING UP TO HIM!!!

IF YOU WON'T EVEN STAND UP TO HIM BY STANDING UP FOR YOUR MARRIAGE, WHY SHOULD HE THINK YOU WILL STAND UP TO THE NEXT OM THAT TRIES TO COME ALONG!!!

IF YOU WANT RESPECT FROM HIM, RESPECT YOURSELF!!!

IF YOU WANT FORGIVENESS FROM HIM, FORGIVE YOURSELF!!!

The next time that he pulls this stuff you do EXACTLY what Dr. Harley said for the woman to do whose husband keeps bringing up her adultery!

I LOVE YOU BUT I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO KEEP RUBBING THIS IN MY FACE!

You have to draw a line in the sand, Looking4, with this disrespectful treatment of you, both by your husband and YOURSELF.

Your husband's flagrant disregard for your feelings means he's going to take it as far as you will allow and so far there are no limits.

You are going to have to start showing him YOU are capable of a life either with him or without him, it's up to him. You married him for life, but, if it's with you there are limits as to what you will accept.

What were your plans if he goes on those trips without you?

Sit home and mope?

Try telling him you have been looking forward to doing some things too...

and the kids will enjoy going to the relatives or a sitter while he's gone so that you can both have some fun...(nothing that he wouldn't be fine with if he just happens to come by).

Bet that get's his attention...

It did Mrs. Flint...

Think about it.

(Sorry about the Wizard of Oz thing, it seemed appropriate!)

God bless.

Jim

P.S. This is Mrs.Flint, what Jim says is dead on.
What I learned was that your husband will not respect you until you respect yourself and yes, you made a mistake but it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage unless you allow it to cause the end of the marriage.

Moping around and feeling sorry for yourself WILL end the marriage because you are in effect showing your husband that the marriage is hopeless.

Your husband doesn't want to see someone sad all the time, he wants to see the woman he fell in love with. Who was happy, hopeful and respected herself to become his wife and bear his children.

You can do this but NOT the way you have been and like Jim said, you don't have a lot of time to turn this around as he is getting MORE independent every day. Which is the same thing as learning to live without you.

I was lucky that Jim had the patience of Jobe and loved me enough to want to put us back together. Being as I am a cowgirl and have an EXTREMELY thick skull it took a little while.

If you want to ask me anything just write back to Jim.

Glad that you are here, MB saved us and it will you too if you
get busy.

Cowgirl up!!!

Mrs. Flint

Ah, it would take more than that to scare me away. Simply have not had a chance to get back on for any length of time.
There was quite a bit of reading to catch up on here ... you have had a lot to digest. I can't imagine where your thoughts are right now. Just know that I am thinking of you.

More thoughts in the am.
Take care L4

Once again, Jim's post is 100% true yet easier said than done. And I know you are sitting there thinking one of two things, or maybe both...Who am I to expect these things of my H after what I have done to him. And/Or...I am scared to death of my H's reaction if I try to do these things.

I know it is early on for you guys. 3 months truly isn't very long in regards to R from an A. And if you are like me, you feel your DH, your marriage, your family...it's all tettering and very fragile and all you are trying to do is keep some sort of balance so that it doesn't all come crashing down. That this is 100% your responsibility to do. The wrong move this way or that way, the wrong word said, the wrong action taken by you and it is all going to crash. The fear of that is overwhelming.

I was very blessed to have a DH who did not show a lot of anger towards me once I confessed. He did, from time to time, make comments which I refer to as these drive by hits. Out of nowhere, a comment would be made about me to me. No name calling, but comments meant to hurt just the same. They were few and far between, but boy did they drop me to my knees each time it happened. This went on for about 2 years. And I just took them because I knew I deserved them and they certainly didn't compare to what I did to him.

Finally, one day, I realized, with help from MB, that these comments didn't just hurt me, they hurt our R and our M. So the last time he made one of these comments, with a lot of humility, and my knees shaking, I said, "I know I hurt you more than anyone ever has. And I am so very sorry for that. And I will talk to you about this and answer any questions you have whenever you want to, but those type of comments are not going to help us get through this." That was the last time he ever made one of those comments and it was a huge step(s) on our path of R. I'll tell you, I couldn't believe he agreed with me!

Remorse and humility really go hand in hand here. Standing up for yourself is not arrogant or selfish when it is done with sincere remorse and humility. And maybe in doing so, it will not only help your R and marriage, but also in forgiving yourself. I sure hope so.

Looking4, You are so lucky to have other FWW posting to you.Their perspective and insight is so valuable. Listen to them, particularly what HELPED and what DID NOT. Some times those things that are VERY unpleasant to think of doing are actually what saves us and the very thing that MUST be done to be successful.

When rubydoo mentioned, "I am scared to death of my H's reaction if I try to do these things" I was reminded of one of the most famous quotes of all time.

"Courage is being scared to death - and saddling up anyway."

John Wayne

Cowboy naturally...

Like Mrs.Flint said, 'Cowgirl up!!!'

Jim

Just wanted to stop in with a



L4!

BTW, your thread has been incredibly helpful for me too! Jim's most recent post is spot-on-- as is Mark's. Wow guys, I'm loving this thread and its not even mine!

And Mark, it was great to read that it took you about a year to "figure out" if you wanted to "trade in" or "fix it up". Honestly, our timeline is about the same-- so its just good to know that maybe we aren't that "abnormal"

Its quite a tightrope walk, L4, but you're doing great so far! And the fact that you are thinking about this this early is great... I definitely floundered a lot more than you are-- and fell off the bandwagon a few times also. Honestly, reading your thread has made me realize how far we've come too (and appreciative of that!)... and I have full confidence you can get here in time too... as I've said, you are already doing better than I was in many respects! Make sure you make time for L4 also though... like Jim said, when he goes out with his brother, you go and do something YOU like to do. I made that mistake early on too... I would just sit there and mope and whine every time he went to do ANYTHING where i wasn't glued to his hip. That's no fun for him!

Do you think the he respected you-- as a person-- prior to the A? That was something I had to deal with too. I realized that because I had no boundaries with my own H... he didn't respect me even prior to the A (I had the same doormat behavior). Boundaries are a healthy way to respect yourself, and if you respect yourself, he'll start to respect you too. That took me a bit to "get".


Anyways, just wanted to check-in and say hello!

E.

I just wanted to weigh in on the boundaries thing. As a BS, I do not think your H will leave because you tell him he has to behave in a polite and respectful way. He may ultimately leave for other reasons, or just because it is too much for him to forgive, but we all know when we are behaving badly and I bet he does too. I think you even mentioned that he had been making a concerted effort to improve his behavior prior to DD.

If he is a reasonable guy, and it seems he usually is, then he is going to realize that the name calling actually hurts him as well. You may have to hear some comments that are worse than the name calling, but at least that is productive.

I never called names, and my xWW refused to really talk about or admit the A for almost 10 years. At the end of that point I did not call names but I did have to tell her that I had no love, in fact almost no feelings at all for her. And that I thought she was childish, selfish and immoral. This was not done in anger but I'm sure it would have crushed a normal person.

L4,

When I had my infection it reached a point where unless something was done I stood a pretty good chance of not recovering from it. It was way past putting a band-aid on, serious antibiotics didn't slow it down and with each passing day the infection was spreading and becoming more entrenched. They solved the puzzle by simply cutting away the damaged and infected area. Crisis averted.

Except that while the initial wound caused by the infection was gone, I now had a 4 X 8 inch hole in the side of my chest that went all the way down to the fascia of the muscles of my chest. You could see a color change between where my ribs were and the space in between them. I also still had remnants of the infection in my system. The biggest problem was the fear of getting another or secondary infection since with the gaping hole through the skin I was very vulnerable.

So the fix became potentially even more dangerous to my health than the original infection though the original was potentially deadly.

Now we needed to fix the results of the first fix. In order to do that, they put me under again, after 6 weeks of waiting for the heavy doses of antibiotics to kill off the remnants of the first infection, and patched the hole in my chest. But to do that meant cutting a piece out of my thigh to make the patch to fix my chest. I now had TWO open wounds...

To be honest, the second surgery took a lot more out of me than the first. The first one was less traumatic emotionally because it looked like I was in pretty bad shape and once the first surgery was over, the crisis was over and I was pretty sure I would make it. But that second surgery hurt even more than the first. It also gave me another sore spot to worry about and seemed like it drained me emotionally.

Sometimes the things that will lead to healing will also expose us to the possibility of another serious problem.

Sometimes we have to tackle things in stages. We end the immediate crisis (the affair is over) and then have to heal for a while and make sure that no further infection (affair), first one or new, shows itself.

And then what it takes to reach real healing can require not only the opening of old wounds but sometimes the creation of others. What will ultimately heal us causes us more pain, perhaps more pain than the original wound.

But if they had left my first wound alone to just let it heal, it would have taken much longer and the danger of another infection would have been very high indeed.

Mark

So much time and effort put in by y'all. Thank you. I'm deeply touched by your generosity. Know that I really take in all that you say. And re-read it often.

I've been reading and digesting. Analyzing. Feeling. Thinking. Reflecting. Sorting. So much in my head. I'll try to spit some things out here throughout the day as my boss is out of town so I'm not working. I have time. Aren't you lucky?

My H feels the same way. Some days he focuses on the PA from last spring, but when he's thinking of the pre-M one, he gets disgusted and says he knows he wouldn't be going through what he is now if he had of known of the first, because he knows he would have never married me. When I have apologized very similarily to how you've suggested, H says he wants me to get into a time machine and make it so it didn't happen -- so that none of this happened. I tell him that I wish with everything that I could, but I can't. He says, "Then there is nothing you can do." And that usually ends it.

L4,

I'm sure he does wish you could take it all away, but he knows he can't have that. I suggest that you keep saying it. Have you tried the expressing that you took something from him that you can't give back. This is tough because all you can do is try your best and be sincerely sorry. I still want to say that everyday he stays makes it more likely he will continue to stay.

I do think that you are at an extreme risk that he will just close up and tough it out until the children are raised. Have you discussed that with him?

I know this, based on what you've said before, E's advice, others' words, and even when I met with Dr. H. I'm working hard to face the A and help my H process it as well. Here's what I need help with:

Zero reponsibility for the A on my H. I get that. And I never have gone there, not even while I was in it. All me. That was MY doing.

H doesn't see how his actions or inactions affected our M. All that he was just beginning to uncover when we were in MC last fall has been cast aside because he feels he was not doing anything wrong after all, but instead I was just trying to cover my A. He keeps forgetting that our problems started well before last February. That I had been reaching out to him with my concerns about our relationship WAY before last spring. But because of what everyone has said -- deal with the pain and healing with the A first, then deal with the M, I hold my toungue. Yesterday I finally said, "You remember how our relationship was differently than I do," hoping we could just agree to disagree. But he continued to DJ and tell me what I did, what I was thinking, what I was feeling. Apparently all the problems in our marriage were because I hated H. I can say I didn't think I loved him (how could I and have an affair???), but I've never ever hated him. And never could.

Neil knows me well.

What do you do about those things that cannot be put off forever? This is something I can't deal with now as it's a marriage problem, not an A issue -- which I agree has to be addressed first. Up until my confession, I'd try to address something during what I thought was an appropriate time (room is quiet, kids not around, tempers are calm), and he wouldn't want to. He'd turn on the TV, pick up a book, say "we'll talk later", or he's "not up for being nagged". Then I'd be stuck with it. So it did and does continue to build up. Me wanting to include him in my thoughts, concerns, worries, celebrations, problems, family schedules, social calendar, etc., and him not wanting to participate. What if the "later date" never comes?

I have seen this in the last few months. As he has been close to me and shown appreciation for the things I do, I don't care if I ending up having to clean the kitchen all day and night.

I think I want you too. I don't want the exact same guy as before. I want the one I had up until 2003 and again from this last October until about 2 weeks ago. But I also want the one from Oct - Jan without the hurt and pain in his eyes. Can you make that happen?

Yes. And I'm working hard to show him it's worth it.

This analogy is perfect. Thank you.

I want to take care of my H too.

I agree.

How do you do this without it looking like (and feeling like) your betrayals have been minimized? That you're not paying any mind to the pain you've caused? Because there is nothing farther from the truth in that.

THIS I have been doing. And well. H has commented several times since my confession that he sees how I've changed and he sees all the work I'm doing. But he doesn't know if he can live with a liar, stating that he believes the last 17 years have all been a lie.

Back to before... I still feel this way, despite knowing I have been forgiven by God. I wish I could turn the switch and feel, "Whew. I'm forgiven. It's done." RubyDoo, eeyoree, and aloneintheME have expressed how difficult this is so much better than I can.

No. I want him to but I can't expect this. It's his choice.

I'M TRYING but it seems selfish. Especially when the victim won't forgive me. Does that make any sense? It feels like a chicken and egg thing.

Can I do this? Has enough time passed where I can say "no more"?

Okay. Doing this and being sensitive about it will take some tact. But I'll try.

Nope.

I liked the Oz thing.


Thank you so much for taking an interest, Mrs. Flint, and adding your persective.

I'm not doing this. When I'm down, I leave his presence, go to Vittoria's favorite park, go for a drive, go clean something, or come here... My H saw tears last Sunday, but otherwise I'm chin up, smiles, supportive, eye contact, hugs, helpful, play with the kids, silly, dancing, singing, talking, SF like there's no tomorrow...

Tuesday night we had a disappointing exchange. He fell asleep. I felt the tears coming. I got out of bed, went to the room furthest from H and cried. And prayed. And cried. And prayed. I fell asleep on the couch in a little ball. I woke up at 2am, went back to bed. H has no idea what happened.

Patience is not one of H's strong suits. I know I have little time, and I do believe I've been making the most of it. There are times when he won't let me in or won't let me show him the new me. That's when I have to suck it up and know I'm still benefitting from my efforts. If I still get overwhelmed or down, I'll go cry in the dark and keep it away from H.

I do have questions. I'll ask when I can.

I am. I will. I got suspenders here for ye ol' boot straps. Yee-haw!

Let's go with both.

Yep.

Yep.

I REALLY want to do this, RD. As I just replied to Jim, there's a balance between standing up for myself and being sensitive to his continued pain. I suppose I feel we're still fragile. When I've tried to defend myself, I get, "Well you are," or "What do you expect me to say/think?" or "It's true," or "You don't even want to go there with me." So maybe it's too soon to try to stop the drive-bys. Or maybe I just have to accept I'll irk H off, but it's hopefully a short-term reaction and soon they will stop. It's scarey when he's still on the fence and the slightest hiccup could have him walking out the door.

I'm internalizing this.

Trying not to look down.

His actions told me no. He might tell you differently, but that's not what I felt from him for a few years prior to and during PA.

IC last spring was helping me get this, as well as the Cloud & Townsend book Boundaries. (Great book.) Now, though, I find I instinctively want to revert back to being whatever H wants me to be -- accepting the blame, running on his beck-and-call, letting him use tone and DJs, not questioning his IBs... When I started incorporating boundaries last year, what I saw as taking a stand I think H saw as me being hard-headed. Of course, the fact that me being firm with my limits coincided with my PA and post NC probably doesn't help my case with him. H used to mock me and my new stance. He'd roll his eyes and say, "Is this one of your new boundaries?"

Yes. Though H can take a sick kind of pleasure in it. He can be vengeful. Though yes, he's been better.

I'm sorry, 6YL.

Thank you for weighing in.

I'm willing and have been willing to take that chance. I'm standing here, an open book, reaching out to my H with all the bandages, medicine, hugs, soothing words, jello, antibiotics... I want to help him heal. I want to nurse him back to as healthy as he can be. He's told me it hurts and I know he's in pain. And I know what caused the pain. But I don't know where the infection is and he won't tell me. What if he doesn't share that with anyone?

Hi, V.