Hi, I really need some help as to what to do to save my marriage. Here is the story so far...

Have been married to H for 21years, have 2 children a son 18 and daughter 15. In 1999 i found out my H was having an affair with a girl half his age. he was 39 at the time and she was 20. I was totally devastated because i really didnt see it coming. he said he thought i didnt love him anymore and she gave him lots of attention and told him how great he was etc.

We went fo MC but to be honest it was too raw emotionally for me to deal with at the time. I didnt get much from it but H felt it was good. anyway we drifted along and i held a lot of resentment towards him for the affair.

Two years ago just after my mom had died he told me he had no emotional feelings left for me and that as far as he was concerned the marriage was over. It was as if an alien had taken over him, he said there was no one else involved that he didnt want to get into a relationship with anyone else and that if he had to have known that married life was like this then he would never have married me.

He said he was sick of my sarcasm, the fact that i was never at home in the evenings (was in my dads house cos now he is on his own at aged 77) my lack of affection towards him, not wanting sex with him and he said there were lots of other things too but he couldnt be bothered getting into them. He just completely shut off towards me and i have to say the last two years have been hell.

He would be really cold and distant towards me, slamming doors,not speaking to me for days on end, basically treating me like crap. About six months ago i told him i couldnt take this any more and he basically looked at me as if i was mad and said "what are you talking about i have not been treating you badly" I told him i couldnt take it anymore and he needed to leave. He said no he was going nowhere it was his home. He suggested we stay together until our daughter is 18 and then we can sell the house and split the proceeds.

When he told me he no longer cared for me it was a massive wake up call for me but i am so so afraid it is too late for us. I have bought lots of books and audio programmes like light his fire and his needs her needs, divorce busting, venus and mars and the love languages to name but a few and i realised that i have never met his top emotional needs number 1 being admiration. He works out in the gym 5 days a week and is very muscular but i never told him how great he looks or gave him any compliments really but in the past 3 weeks since reading the love languages i have tried to give him compliments every day. he snorts when i say them as if to say "what crap is she saying now, i dont believe any of it"

Since giving him the compliments he has softned a little towards me, i have noticed small things like he went to visit his parents today and usually wouldnt bother asking me along but he did ask me so that is a small positive step i think. What i really would like is if someone out there could give me some advice as to how i can show him how much i want to make our marriage work and some help on how do i achieve this. Any help would be much appreciated. I have only tipped the iceberg here but hopefully it will give some insight to my situation, please feel free to ask me for clarificaiton if you cannot understand my waffling.

I think you are doing the right thing by trying to meet his ENs. Just keep making deposits in his love bank and avoid all love busters. You may also want to make sure he is not having an A with anyone right now. Do a little snooping--phone bills, computer keylogger, etc..

I've read a few relationship books in my time, but NOTHING made sense like the Harley books. I would focus on those.

If your husband is willing, have him complete the His Needs Her Needs questionnaire if he hasn't already. Focus most of your efforts on the top 2 or 3 ENs for the most bang for the buck. If he's not seeing someone else, you should be able to get him to fall back in love with you by making those love bank deposits..

erichh

Thanks for your advice, i have purchased his needs her needs and love busters but i have not read them fully yet. I failed to meet his emotional needs for a long time and i have a horrible feeling in mt gut that my efforts are too little too late.

Is there any other members with a similar situation who could offer me some advice?

Thanks again for your help

Have you quit being sarcastic - completely and totally?

Are you spending time at home now?
Harley recommends we spend 15 hours of undivided attention with our spouse. If your Dad couldn't be left alone at 77, he needed to move in with you or one of your siblings, or be put into a care facility. Being gone is no good for a marriage.

I hope you're saying yes whenever he wants sex now, and being admiring and affectionate.

He planned this trip in November. You only started Plan A in January. Things are still improving, they did not get bad last night.

It will take a long Plan A for him to come around. You have neglected his needs and Love Busted him for at least 10 years. 5 weeks of Plan A is not going to turn this marriage around.

Focus on you, and your behavior. Let him do whatever he will for the time being.

Nice.
Why didn't you suggest a trip for the two of you instead?
Why didn't you suggest you both join the golf society and learn to play golf together?

Hi Turtlehead,

Thanks for replying to me, i thought that when i posted on something new it had to go on a new thread! sorry still new to this.

I have dropped the sarcasm completely, i am being really nice to him in general and complimenting him and praising him on anything he does around the house etc but i am not getting much back from his direction. but i did send him a text msg for valentines day saying " To my big strong handsome sexy husband, hope you have a lovely day and a big loveheart" and i got got a reply that said "Thanks the same to you" Even the fact he replied is something because prior to my Plan Aing he wouldnt even answer my messages.

I go and visit my dad every night around 9pm for an hour and this annoyed my husband, i suppose he meant that at that time we as a couple should have been sitting down to watch tv or whatever but i have cut this back to an earlier time. Most nights my H isint at home much so i couldnt understand why this bothered him.

I havnt had sex with my H in over 2 years and if i suggested it to him he would say NO, there is a lot of baggage and hurt feelings in this marriage, i am only scratching the surface here.

I blew it last night and undone all the plan Aing of the past six weeks, i told him i was not putting up with him going off to spain with a bunch of lads to do god knows what! He said tought! Im going weither you like it or not.

What should i say to him now? Do i say sorry for blowing up at you last night, you go ahead to spain and have a great time when iinside i feel like screaming because he is going. There is no point in me suggesting we as a couple go away somewhere - he doesnt want to know.

Gabzz,

You cannot control your husband. People resent being controlled! Your ranting and raving and threatening him about his trip has only made yourself look bad and strengthened his resolve to go through with it (I'll show her). You are LB'ing your husband to death! Until you stop LB'ing and learn to POJA situations like this your marriage will continue to death spiral. You really need to focus 100% on yourself at this point. The only person you can control is yourself. You need to keep Plan A'ing for an extended period of time. And stop LB'ing!!!!!! One AO can destroy weeks of Plan A'ing because H suddenly realizes it was all just a mirage and that the real you (the sarcastic, controlling one) is still there waiting to jump out at him.

This is a marathon....not a sprint. Your husband has said he is staying with you for the next 3 years. You have plenty of time to right the ship. But, you have to stop trying to control his behavior and start focusing on your own behavior. You already saw little signs that he was responding to your Plan A. Keep working that plan every single day.

Mindshare

You've only been in Plan A for a few weeks. You *won't* get anything back from him that quickly. It took you guys years to get to the state you find yourselves in today, it will take years to repair it. Just settle in for the long haul. Even if the marriage doesn't work out, you need practice at avoiding angry outbursts and sarcastic remarks.

I suggest you try to POJA the dad-visits with your H. Find out why he's irritated. Find out what would make him happy. Would a quick visit on the way home from work be better? Visits on the weekend and phone calls during the week?

I'd apologize for the angry outburst, for sure. But I wouldn't tell him go and have a good time if you don't mean it. Marriages need honesty, not lies and avoidance.

Regarding the sex thing, I'd make suggestive comments, grab his butt, flirt, invite him into the shower... but expect him to say no and to not respond. Do it anyway... but dont' go overboard, that would be too fake. Just once in a while so he can get used to a flirty, physical you again.

Hi Mindshare,

Thanks for replying, My H has told me in the past that i try to control him and your right its like a red flag to a bull to him. I wasnt like this prior to his affair but since then i get myself into a state if he stays away from home without telling me.

I hate that i feel like this, i wish i didnt care about him and then it wouldnt bother me at all.

Do you think i should apoligise to him for last night? I dont know how to handle this for the best.

I will continue to plan A.

I will try and speak to him as to why visiting my dad annoyed him so much but to be honest at this stage he will probably say he doesnt care anymore what time i spend over there.

We have been sleeping in seperate rooms for the past 2 years which started off becuase i would go into the spare room because of his snoring which used to keep me awake all night. but then he told me he was finished with me so i never moved back to our bed.

I know i have a long road ahead, i have a lot of things i need to work on regarding myself. A major one is being 70lbs overweight and i know my husband doesnt like this because he has commented on it in the past, so i know he doesnt find me very attractive physically. I have joined weight watchers a few weeks ago as part of my plan A and i have lost 10 pounds so far.

Gabzz, your M sounds familiar to mine -- M for 21 years, 2 kids, same complaints -- sarcasm, control, no sex, family issues, overweight 70 lbs (lost 36) and not meeting his emotional needs.
The difference is that my H moved out in Oct, having a very serious A, and started D proceedings. My sitch is very serious but I am still committed to trying to save M.
You are in an ideal situation. Your H has not moved out and plans on staying till D get older.
Have some concerns with H going to gym 5x a week. One signal for possible A. Snoop around and make sure yours is not in one.
Continue to work on yourself, work out, diet, work out a different schedule with your Dad that is agreeable to H, but show your H that you are "getting a life" also. Don't keep waiting in the background hanging around anticipating all his needs. You need to act "what if", flirt but not needy. And find a way to get out of the spare bedroom. Make an excuse - paint it and take a month to do it. Move yourself back into the room with him. My H was a huge snorer and I used to sleep on the couch many times, but after he told me he wanted to move, I was in that bed every night and that snoring never bothered me and God knows how I miss it now.
Your right it might be too little too late but at least you have a chance because he is there. That is half the battle. Good luck.

Hope

Thanks for your reply,

Im not worried about him going to the gym at all, he has been going there for the past 22 years, he loves it that much he got himself a lifetime membership.

Im feeling pretty helpless today and i cant stop crying, i hate the thoughts of him going to spain with 15 other men, and he knows it is really upsetting me and he doesnt care. he has in the past said i am too controlling always wanting to know where he has been etc and i suppose i am but i wasnt like this until he had the affair.

I think its time this spare room was decorated

You have lost an amazing amount of weight, well done, do you go to a weight management class or are you doing it by yourself? Your husband is bound to have noticed the new slimmer sexier you even if he hasnt said very much so keep up the good work.

I have very poor self esteem regarding my image because of my weight, but i have promised myself that 2009 is the year i am gonna get rid of the flab for once and for all.

know i should be glad that my H is still here with me especially after reading your situation, i really hope your husband sees the light very soon. I will keep an eye out for your posts.

Thanks again.

I'm going to bet that Admiration and Physical Attractiveness are right up there as your H's top ENs.

How about getting more involved in the gym he goes to? Does the gym offer any fitness classes?

ManInmotion

Thanks for your reply, Just a couple of weeks ago i read the five love languages and you are spot on this is definately his number 1 EN. I am not into the gym but i love to walk especially on the beach so with the bright evenings coming i will be out there any chance i get. I live on the East Coast of Ireland so the beach is only 4 miles away from me.

I would be too self consious at the moment to go to a class in his gym but later on when i have lost a few stone i would definately go to some.

Ask your H for advice on losing weight and getting / keeping fit. Keep him involved and "in the loop". The key here is to spend as much quality time with him as possible. Do it well, and he will prefer to spend that time with you, rather than 15 men on a trip somewhere.

I have been yo yo dieting for years so i know if i mentioned it to my husband about wanting to lose weight he would say "I have heard this story many times before" this year though i really am going to do it and when he sees the results starting to show i will ask him for his advice on the best ways to keep it off.

We definately need to spend quality time together, at the moment we might see each other for an hour at most each evening.

Thanks for your help

Get your H to go on those beach walks with you!

Try to work in as much fitness time with him as you can.
That will fill both of your ENs plus it's quality time together.

Does he follow an exercise regimen at home, or does he do all of his exercising at the gym?

If he does do some at home, that's an opportunity there to get more involved.

He does all his training at the gym, mostly weight training and a run on the treadmill.

I have asked him to come with me before but he said i dont walk fast enough for him so he would usually end up going for a run up the beach while i would walk.

Maybe as i lose some weight i will be able to walk faster. We go out together once a week to a local bar where they have music so i suppose thats quality time even though he talks to everyone else thats there more that me.

So, challenge him to run the length of the beach twice before you finish your walk...



...then that is NOT quality time.

Try dinner and a movie