southbend, did you read my posts?

Yes..I did read your post..I have too, and will some how find the proof to bust up the affair, and get my marriage back on track..I am hoping for the same result as you..I have nothing to lose at this point but my marriage..

Was this the test from her undergarments?

No I have not gone that far, or bought a test kit...I do not think I can buy those locally..

Look under CheckMate and order by mail!

Looks like she is going to her parents for a few days..To keep ky prying eyes off of her...The funny thing is..I am documenting when she is leaving, and not coming back. Give this to my lawyer, and we will see who get what in the custody...Or, yeah, maybe he is going to his palce..I have small kids to worry about at this second..Cant keep beating myself up with what she is doing all the time..her time WILL come!!!

So her parents condone her adultery?


And how will you verify her whereabouts?

southbend, I am very confused here. You SAY you are "fighting for" your family, but I don't see you lifting a finger. Rome is burning and you are taking a nap on the couch.

What exactly do you mean when you say you are "fighting?"

Her parents are gone for a week..And her brother is staying there watching the dog...I will text him later to see when or if she came home...I have bought a Voice recorder, and I was unable to put it in van before she left..I have phoned and left a meesage with a P.I.. I plan on ordering that semen kit this weekend..Confused on those things those, says it detects it even when its 2 years old...I am sure I read it wrong...

Does the brother know about the affair? Do her parents know about the affair and that she is likely using their house to meet him?

How can you find out where she is so you can disrupt their rendevous?

This weekend would be a PERFECT opportunity for the P.I. to tail her and get photos of her adultery. CAn you make that happen?

Nobdy knows about what is happening...Not her parents or her brother..I have talked with her dad in the past, and metioned my concerns that I was having. And I truthfully told them what our fight was about..My wife just told them shes 'unhappy and wants to be happy at 35'.. I cannot see her meeting him there, I he lives alone, and my I really dont see my inlaws thrilled with an affair if they found out..

I see, so you are helping her protect her affair by keeping the secret. You are her enabler.

That is not "fighting for your family," my friend. That is contributing to your own demise.

No I wouldnt be able too swing the p.i this weekend...All affairs DO come to the surface....I will keep you updated with what I find out..

No, all affairs don't "come to the surface" when you have people hiding them like you are. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so you are enabling your wife's affair by helping her and the OM keep their secret.

I am sure the OM appreciates your help, but I doubt your children will some day when they find out you wouldn't lift a finger to save their family. You just allowed the OM and their wayward minded mother to destroy life as they know it.

And couldn't be bothered to lift a finger...

Let us know if you ever want to work on saving your marriage.

The words of Dr. Willard Harley, a clinical psychologist who has specialized in infidelity for 35 years:

"I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:

Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

<snip unrelated>

When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery."

This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show. If you want this 1 hour MP3, email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com. I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Dr. Harley, as many of you know, is a strong advocate of telling the children the TRUTH.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

This is Marriage Builders Plan A: [all carrot and no stick is to ENABLE the affair]

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

You get someone to watch your kids this weekend. You get in your car and go catch your WW and the OM in your inlaws house. Dollars to doughnuts this is why your WW is going their.

I can't belief your remark that why would the OM go there this weekend. I'll tell you why. To bang your WW.

Found out that she did not go out, or anyone came over on the weekend while she is at her parents..She called me on Sunday, and we agreed to share the kids this week..1st half with her, the 2nd with me, while she stays at her parents, and I stay here at home..Have an apointment with lawyer tommorrow to go thourgh the details for the D she filed...I am going to ask for reconciltioan and MC...I know she will turn it down, and we will have to start with the battle for child custody...NOT looking forward to that..