How do I go about constructing a Plan B letter properly? I need someone to lead me .See my past and ongoing posts under rod24773 for my thread history.

Hi Rod,

I am bumping this thread for you since I have never done a plan B.

Rod,

It is supposed to be a love letter, with emphasis on how you must preserve your love and therefore cannot see the WS until the OP is gone.

You should start out with telling the WS that you love him/her, and believe in the ability to recover the marriage, and to make it even better than before. You might want to include some things that you admire about the WS, and tell them you still believe in that person. "I remember the woman who stood by me when I was so sick in the hospital, whose warm laughter always filled my heart, and whose inner beauty moved me to tears the day she delived my son. I believe in her, and know in my heart that we can make our marriage work. The old marriage was not a place I nurtured well enough, and I see that now. We can construct a new and better marriage, and I am making permanent changes in myself so that will happen."

It should provide a clear pathway home. "When you are ready to choose to recover the marriage, the path home is simple. Just leave the OP, never contact him/her again, and call me to let me know your affair is over. We can talk about the details of our recommitment then."

The letter might also want to emphasize that you will forgive the WS, if they particularly believe you can't or won't ever forgive. For example, the closing paragraph might read, "I love you, and want to restore our marriage. I know that we can make our marriage better than we ever dreamed. When you are ready, forgiveness will be waiting at home."

It should also provide information on intermediaries. "You can contact me through so-and-so. I won't be able to accept any calls, texts, emails, or letters from you, but so-and-so will forward anything important to me."

Hope this helps.
SB

Here's a copy of my Plan B letter.


My Dearest Mrs. Amazin,


I remember our courtship and how we met. I remember talking on the phone for hours until you fell asleep. I remember our first date at the square in Ft. Worth and our first kiss. I remember Thanksgiving at your mother’s house. I remember all the paper hearts in our bedroom, in our house and on our cars. I remember how I proposed to you at the Italian Inn. I remember how I proposed to you again for the kids because they were chanting “Ask, Ask, Ask!” I remember our beautiful wedding and our honeymoon in Cancun. I remember a time when you were passionately in love with me and my heart longs for those days to come again.


On our wedding day I made a promise to you in front of God and our family to faithfully love and cherish you, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, and in good times or bad. I have kept that promise in the past and I plan on keeping that promise in the future.


I am writing this letter because I want to protect the love that I have for you and keep it from turning into hate. Your extramarital affairs have hurt me deeply and I do not want to see you, talk to you, or have any contact with you from now on.


I have made plenty of mistakes in this marriage and I own every single one of them. I gambled away a lot of money. I was selfish. I made independent decisions about our finances, our family and our life without talking to you or taking you into consideration. I neglected to meet your emotional needs. For all of these and many other mistakes that I have made, I am truly sorry.


I will always regard Step Daughter and Stepson as family. If Step Daughter wants to come over and visit she can call me directly or ask one of my kids and they can ask me. There should be no reason for you to have any contact with me. If there is something that absolutely must be communicated to me, you can do that through my brother. His number is xxx-xxx-xxxx.


I want you to know that there is a way home. There is a pathway to a new marriage. This path would require changes in both of us. If we stray from the path in one direction or the other, our chances for a new marriage are minimal. Together we can create a marriage in which other people of the opposite sex will never ever be an issue. They would have no place in our marriage. We can create a marriage based on honesty on many levels; financial honesty, emotional honesty, honesty about where we are and who we are with. We can have a marriage in which we give each other our undivided attention and our emotional needs are met. We can have a great marriage if we avoid being the cause of each others unhappiness, by making a small lifestyle change and getting some marital guidance. I can only be married to someone who values these principles and who would eagerly embrace this lifestyle.


I still have hope for us, our marriage and our family. Forgiveness is possible. Regaining the passionate love we once had for each other is possible. Recovery is possible. The answer to all my prayers would be for us to have a happy loving marriage and a blessed family. I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs.


I hope that someday we may have a new marriage. I want us to be able to meet each other’s emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I loved you the day we were married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot see you, talk to you, or help you until you end your extramarital affairs once and for all.



Love,


Amazin

Here is my first shot at the B Letter (Simple cut and paste from a format I received) :

Spouse , it is with a heavy heart that I write this letter to you. It is truly sad to see what has happened to us and to our marriage and our family . The decision I now make is out of a necessity to spare what I can for the love of you.I have made many mistakes in the past and cannot change those mistakes or take them back. I have put my needs ahead of ours as a family and as a couple .I failed to allow you a loud enough voice in the decisions concerning our family .I didnt acknowledge your needs nor take them seriously enough at times .I failed to listen when I should .I being human do not fully understand all things in our or any relationship that I failed in but am willing to learn .
What I have been able to do is recognize some of those errors in judgment and actions or inactions ; and I have learned from them . The depth of my understanding will help me take steps that will ensure that they will not happen again. I have been taking courses through counselling in order to open my eyes to the needs of others and myself.
I am truly sorry for helping to create and sustain an environment that has made your affair possible and allowed it to continue. I too had a responsibility to meet your most important needs; and by lacking the right judgment, I did little to aid efforts in building and growing our love for each other.I lost sight of the importance of a you as a wife and mother , . Now I know I am more than able to not just meet those needs, but to be lovingly enthusiastic in meeting them .

I have had a most difficult time in the last 4 months . There has been pain and hurt in this time in which I spent learning to mend my failings. The pain and hurt, even though causing me great anguish, has let me know what strength I really possess. The dual nature of hurt and strength makes a conflict that now leads me to an inescapable conclusion. This conclusion, I will hold firm to, as I have learned my strength will only be in my resolve.

WW , the conclusion I write of, is this .Until you end your relationship with OM , I can no longer see you or in anyway communicate with you! The continued pain has become an unhealthy part of my learning to be the best possible husband and father for the ones I love.

WW,this decision I make, I do not make lightly. It is not meant as a measure to punish you. It is simply meant as a way to no longer drain the love I have for you, even the kind of love I had for you during the time of the affair.

As soon as you can fully, permanently and unconditionally separate from OM and are willing to commit to measures to verify that separation, I am willing to do whatever it takes to start a full recovery of our marriage.

Until then, I will not be able to communicate with you on anything other than the health and safety of our children .I will avoid seeing you or speaking to you . I will avoid all communications in any form?

In the best interest of those involved, I will continue to care for and provide for our children .I intend to minimize impact to the children of this situation we find ourselves in as a family . I will leave visitation arrangements communications to a mere minimum using your daughter whenever possible .

I want US, not me alone and not you alone, but us to rebuild our marriage. We need to build a new lifestyle including everything that can be done to make us All happy. I know it is possible for our marriage to flourish, and have no more separations in body or spirit. I want to be your best friend and a husband and father that any woman would be proud to have as a spouse.

WW ,I want to grow old with you.When I said ?I DO,? I made a promise in front of God, you, our families and friends for life.
I want to be your husband, your friend, and your lover.I loved you more that life itself while we were together and I continue to do so as I write this. I want us together to watch our children grow and flourish.

As soon as you are willing to separate completely from your relationship with OM , I will be willing to discuss our future together as a whole and healthy family ..

Your loving spouse, and best friend ME

Faith -Have I been bumped from S.B.?

Rod, we had some technical problems. Can you email me?
killnme2004-mb@yahoo.com

Rod, do you have someone other than her daughter to be an intermediary for you?

Good job rod, I think after her conversation with your sons and now that you are cutting her off, she will have to evaluate if this OM is worth losing everything. I think this might help lift the fog.

I do a lot of writing in my job and I love editing. I'll take a shot at this. My first impression is to try to cut to the chase. Remember, a WS who is leaving for an OP doesn't give a hoot about how miserable you feel. The message needs to be clear and concise or she's just going to skim over it and miss the whole point.

This paragraph is a bit long, but I actually like it quite a bit.


I recommend stroking out this paragraph. While the information is valid, it doesn't have the passion of your first paragraph. If your Plan B letter is too long, she's not going to read it all.

Need an expert vote here, but my thought is to take the first sentence from this paragraph and move it to the end of the first paragraph and then delete the rest. Again, the info is relevant, but the the middle sentences really just rehash the first paragraph and the last sentence (in blue) - I can see a cruel WS laughing at this (even though it's true). Vets- what do you think?

Instead of talking about your strengths, tell her how much it hurts you to see her with OM and to know that she is with him. You need to connect your pain to the affair. As written above, your pain is connected to your failings, not the OM. This needs to be crystal clear.

This last sentence needs to come first BEFORE the statement that you can no longer communicate. Coming afterwards makes it appear to be an afterthought. You want the message to clearly state that the A is the reason for this. After you state that you won't see her or communicate with her, you need to state your arrangements to this effect - mediators for children or emergencies etc. You need to have a protocol in place for when she attempts to contact you after initially receiving this letter, if for no other reason than to insist she use the protocol and demonstrate your seriousness.

It is a very good, heartfelt letter.
WW,this decision I make, I do not make lightly. It is not meant as a measure to punish you. It is simply meant as a way to no longer drain the love I have for you, even the kind of love I had for you during the time of the affair.

As soon as you can fully, permanently and unconditionally separate from OM and are willing to commit to measures to verify that separation, I am willing to do whatever it takes to start a full recovery of our marriage.

Until then, I will not be able to communicate with you on anything other than the health and safety of our children .I will avoid seeing you or speaking to you . I will avoid all communications in any form?

In the best interest of those involved, I will continue to care for and provide for our children .I intend to minimize impact to the children of this situation we find ourselves in as a family . I will leave visitation arrangements communications to a mere minimum using your daughter whenever possible .

I want US, not me alone and not you alone, but us to rebuild our marriage. We need to build a new lifestyle including everything that can be done to make us All happy. I know it is possible for our marriage to flourish, and have no more separations in body or spirit. I want to be your best friend and a husband and father that any woman would be proud to have as a spouse.

WW ,I want to grow old with you.When I said ?I DO,? I made a promise in front of God, you, our families and friends for life.
I want to be your husband, your friend, and your lover.I loved you more that life itself while we were together and I continue to do so as I write this. I want us together to watch our children grow and flourish.

As soon as you are willing to separate completely from your relationship with OM , I will be willing to discuss our future together as a whole and healthy family ..

Your loving spouse, and best friend ME

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This process ,with having our kids in the middle , is very scarey . I dont have an intermediary .I was hoping to only communicate through the answering machine but put down her daughter ,22 yrs old. I dont know how I cannot communicate with her when we have kids .I would rather say I will not communicate with you on any subject other than our kids health and well being. As the roars go up from my respondants ,I am not sure she is ready(for want of a better word) for the Plan B letter .I want her to stew a little more with the fact our kids dont want ot talk to her. I am not afraid of her before anyone comes up with that one.

Rod, communicating with her on any subject defeats the purpose. You will not be able to detach from her and she will use every opportunity to rant and rave at you. I would suggest not even bothering if you can't find an IM because you cant tell her NO CONTACT in a plan B letter and then have contact. That makes no sense.

The answering machine idea will also prevent you from detaching if you have to hear her voice every day.

Have you already set up a visitation schedule and separated finances so you have very little REASON for even IM contact?

Maybe someone here can be your intermediary?

I have drawn up a separation agreement but my lawyer has not heard a peep from hers for 3 weeks or more. We were having the kids 4 days each but now they refuse to go with her . That in of itself complicates the NC as she is trying to get hold of them at my home regularly.

We have separated financially .She is living a completely separate life other than dealing with our kids.

Rod, do you have a friend or relative or even a pastor that would be willing to IM for you? Mel is correct that you don't want her to get her fix of you and you don't want to allow yourself contact so you can protect your remaining love for her.

Your letter looks really good, good job on that.

Plan B without an intermediary is a DISASTER in every sense of the word. I believe it can even make things WORSE, because now you just have a p*ssed off WS who uses every chance they get to dig at you since you are no longer a WILLING punching bag.

You are also not able to detach, THEY are not able to "miss" you.

Ask ANYONE...a friend, a co-worker, even a family member if you have to (not my first recommendation). Their job is to be a "spam filter" and ONLY pass important, relevent info about children and finances back and forth.

Mel is right, try to get all of that lined up first so that there is very little need for contact.

How are things today, Rod?

Only problem with the letter is following up on it . My WW called tonight knowing I was going away for the weekend.She was almost desperate to know where I was going .It was weird .I told her she didnt need to know . That was the first communication we have had not dealing with the kids .Too bad ,it was better when she wasnt talking to me . I think I will try and cut off communication with her other than on the answering machine and with my son as IM. No direct with me >I will think about this over the weekend and come up with a solution . It is too bad that it felt good for her to worried about where I am going and who I am going to be with .I know it means absolutely nothing.

Plan B will help you protect the love you have left and keep you away from the effects of her A on you. You really need a real IM though, Rod.

I have an idea of who I can use .i will have to talk with him after the weekend .I am going on a divorced/separated support group get away weekend up north (Northern Ontario) .As I dont have a social life I figured it would be fun . My sister is taking the kids as they dont want to go with mom .It will be a nice break for all 3 of us .