NC has been done, by a phone call. This happend a few days after I found out about the A. I have been checking and she has had no contact with the OM at all. I am also in contact with the OM's family and it is not about them anymore, its about fixing their marriages and they both agreed thats what they need to do.

Well keep snooping to the best of your ability. It sure sounds like the A is in full swing.

I suppose it *could* be withdrawal from OM but it doesn't sound like that.

And keep up a STRONG plan A! She needs a reason to come back to the marriage.

Turtle,

I have a very strong feeling that the A is not going on anymore. Lets just assume for sake of argument that it is not. How do you feel about the reactions coming from her? Is this common at all in any other situations? I know not every situation will be the exact same, but I am trying my hardest to understand what all is happening.

I know I can't snap my fingers and everything be ok again. I know she doesnt want to be forced to live with me again, and she needs it to be all her own decision. That is the way I would want it. I know if I force her into it, it will never work because she will be moving back in for the wrong reason. I do feel that we should take our time in working this out because only time can heal.

I love her way too much to give up on this at any point and that is what Im scared of. I know the decision is up to her right now and even if she gives up, I just dont know if I can let go. I am in love with her, and I want to be with her for the rest of my life. I want to be her protector, husband, and best friend.

How have you checked. Because her phone bill shows now call with OM.

How about WW now has a secret cell phone?

Doesn't look good when WW won't write a NC letter, le you approve it, then have you send it.

If she was continuing contact she would have ended it by now. I have told her straight up that if I found out about any contact it would be over and she knows that. She is also now seeing that her lies will be found out if she did. She knows not to put me through more pain. Like I said, she has started NC and has continued it. Lets just assume that unless something happens.

I'd say it's very normal for you to feel like less of a man. You've been gut punched where it really counts. I'd be worried about you if you didn't feel this way.

You're going to have to just suck it up. Your whole marriage she has been in giver mode and you have been in taker mode. Your account in her LB$ is way overdrawn. What she's saying when she says she "doesn't want it to be about that again" is that she wants a marriage based on mutual respect, give and take, and not just her catering to your needs while she's left neglected like a bit of trash on the curb until you need something from her again.

2 1/2 weeks is nothing. This is going to be a LONG TERM endeavor. You need to show her that you are willing to meet her needs and make her and the marriage your number one priority, and that this is a REAL change, a permanent change, and not just some trick to get her back so you can be lazy and selfish in the marriage again.

Quit the relationship talk.

Quit focusing on how YOU feel and YOUR needs.
You are still being a taker when you do this.
Focus on meeting her needs and proving to her that you can be a husband.

I think this is a dangerous assumption, but IF the affair is over, it says to me that she is tired of the marriage sucking her dry. She's ready to move on because being on her own is more rewarding than being with you. When I divorced my neglectful exH, it felt like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. The sun was brighter, the air was sweeter. Even though I had two young children to care for, my load was lighter without him.

He *could* have turned that around if he'd focused on me, the marriage, and the family. But he was too self centered to do that.

You should be meeting her ENs because you want her to be happy. Not because you want her back. This should be about giving to her, not about getting what you want. That's what she needs. She needs you to care about her and her happiness. She doesn't need for you to "be nice" because you miss her and your life isn't as comfy as it used to be.

When I D'd my exH he literally said "You can't do this to me. I've worked too hard for this." He'd worked too hard for the wife, the house in the 'burbs, and the 2.4 kids, one dog and a cat. That's all I was to him. An accoutrement. He was crushed and devastated, of that I have no doubt. But for all the wrong reasons; not for the reasons that would have made a marriage work.

I am certainly trying my hardest to meet her EN's. I have backed off the sex subject and us living together again. I know I cannot force either one and the more I push, the more she will back away. I know that it is probably hard for her to realize that I really can be a different person, but how long will it take for her to trust that enough to come back to me? I have tried to show her how much I am behind her in this. She has some personal struggles with communication that we are trying to work on, and our counselor told us how we can help each other. I would be greatful to see her as a strong women who can stand up to me and for me. I just always assumed she wanted me to do that for her.

A couple of months for her to peek out and suspect you might be for real. Two or three years before she really believes it. Everyone is different, and every marriage is different, but those are my guesses.

I think she sees that it is real, at least that is what she tells me. We are not living together right now, and we are trying to get to that point. My WW says its because of the communication issues we have had for so long, our counselor has challenged her to find her own voice and opinion. She is scared that if we are living together, she will have trouble and go back into her shell. I am trying to help her, because I would love for her to become a strong woman that would be able to speak to me in her own words. I think that would help us tremendously.

Ok, I need some advice.

I am the kind of man that absolutely enjoys having sex with my wife. We have not in about 2 1/2 weeks and it is starting to wear on me heavily. We have not been living together, but do spend time at our place together where there is more than enough opportunity to.

I feel several things about this. I dont want to be a man that is just in it for sex, and I honestly dont feel like I am only in this for one reason (If so I would have left long ago right?) I dont know why it is so important to me, but I think its because my WW gave up something that I have only given to her. Yes, she is my one and only in the department. We have been together since we were 17.

I feel that if she gave up something like that to the OM, why now with being married to me for almost 6 years can she not do this with me? It is bugging me, and I cannot stop thinking about it. I am hurt deeply by this and I try to express that to her, but she just gets upset and thinks thats all I want when I try to talk to her about it.

Any suggestions on what I should say to help her understand how I feel? Has anyone else gone through this, or going through it now?

Bump! Anyone have advice on this?

You already know what I'm going to say

Snoop and verify if the affair is ongoing and if it is, EXPOSE.
Plan A.
Quit the relationship talk.

What would you do if she were in a horrible car wreck and hospitalized in a full body cast for many weeks and then in physical therapy for many months?

Flirt with her, let you know you find her desirable, but don't pressure her for sex.

Hopefully some others will chime in with other ideas. I'd like to see you get more input on your sitch.

You make an excellent point turtle. I guess its because I know she is capable and still not willing to do it. Would be different if it wasnt possible. I am trying to not think about it, and not focus on it. I have committed myself to not talking about it for at least a week and see how I feel after that. I dont know why its so hard for me, the only reason I can think of in my mind is that she has no desire for it at all.... I dont know how that is possible, are women and men that much different in the sex department?

Anyway, Im not going to talk about it. I cant even flirt though because when I do she only thinks I want sex, and trust me I have asked her how she feels about the flirting. Its like I have to make her fall in love all over again from square 1.

I think turtle has the strategy there...

At the end of my A and my DH would flirt I always thought exactly the same thing...

and maybe that was the case because, just maybe, he like you just wanted to "reclaim me" sexually and so deep down it is really what you want - and who could blame you - of course that's what you want.

You can't make her fall in love all over again, you just have to plan A

Interesting though: As soon as the A was over and I realised what I'd done all I wanted to do was give him the opportunity to "reclaim me". Have you exhausted all lines of snoop?

I hope you manage your week with no mention -I'm sure she'll wonder why you no longer seem interested...

ST

She expressed to me last night that she thinks all I want is sex. I tried to explain to her that it means more than just a feeling to me, but I guess if she doesnt understand that, then it will be hard for her to believe. I told her I would try my hardest to not focus on it, so she will know why I have backed off. She says she has no desire to have sex with anyone right now, to me I just dont get it. I guess she might be so ashamed of what she had done that its hard to get back to that point. All she says is, she is not to the point of living together or having any sexual activity. I am going to give her more space, this is just VERY hard for me. I want to get close to her in every way possible to show her that I care, but she wont let me.

H4L,

I think the sex thing is a red herring. She is using this DJ to push you away or at least test you. I find it interesting that you find it Hard to give her more space, when in fact you should be finding it hard to stay with her.

I am very pro-marriage, but I am not for marriage at all costs. She has told you she had a affair with a man/boy she has had a crush on since 17, which was when you were dating. Her affair has lasted a good portion of your marriage.

You, by your own admission, were a terrible husband. In fact you weren't even a good friend to her. You ignored her, you focused on YOUR interests and you weren't there for her. What has changed. Your posts are focused on YOU. You need sex, well right most of us males like sex, but having gone a week and a half you are ready to pitch in the towel.

H4L, let me make a recommendation to you. Read those books you got, and then sit down and write out what you think a good husband should be and do. Then run it by your mother, perhaps the W of the friend you are staying with, and yes for sure here.

You don't have to be a domestic God, to be a good H, but you do have to have the right attitude. Once you have hashed out what a good H would be and make plans to acheive that behavior in yourself. Do the same for a good W. Write out what a good W would be, and run it by the folks here and perhaps friends.

Now let's see how close you come to being the sort of man that makes a good husband and see how close she comes to being the sort of woman that makes a good W.

If she really doesn't fit the bill, it is time for you to move on, no matter how you feel. No matter what you decide about her, your plan to become a good man and husband should be followed. People that divorce once, divorce a second time even more frequently and that is because they did not learn anything from the first break up/marriage. Your goal should be to learn your lessons well. Your goal should be to become a man that you would be proud to know and call your friend. Your goal should be to know how to be a good husband to a deserving W.

Notice I have not said a thing about rebuilding your marriage or getting your W back?? There is a reason. Until you do the work of growing and learning, and then evaluating, there is no chance your marriage will be worth much even if she comes back. I cannot say if she is the right woman for you or even capable of being a good W. Sadly, you cannot say either. You need to be able to.

You married young, there were many things you did not know. The books you now possess, and the information on this site, coupled with the feedback you are getting is geared to turn you into the man/husband you can and should be. Focus on that, forget about saving your marriage for awhile. You have some serious evaluations and plans to make before you can save the marriage and that is assuming that your W's crush on the OM which has existed throughout your marriage actually ends.

Focus on learning and growing. YOu are very young and have plenty of time to become the man you are capable of and find the woman that will be a life partner. Your present W may not be that woman, but for you to truly know, you must make the changes and evaluations that only knowledge and effort can afford you.

God Bless,

JL

Your wife tried to have an exit affair. She was done with you before she left.

Possibly she is reevaluating the marriage she discarded as result of your good behaviour. Sex is confirmation of reestablishment of your marriage.

Being a BS is all about sucking it in until, God willing , she "gets it". Sex is the last area of commitment - work on her committing. Meet her EN'S.

Thanks guys, I completely see your points and I will take them in. I am here to stay and I will not lose her if it is up to me. I have made my mind up to do whatever she ask, while working on myself at the same time. I will not push for anything anymore because it will just push her away.

Thanks again for everyones comments.

Went to counseling last night and here is how it went.

Started off with asking how our past week has gone, and I let my WW talk. She said things went well, we had some good dates and have started to communicate better. I agreed with her.

Our counselor then started talking to us about communication, which has been our biggest struggling area. She made 2 points which make a lot of sense to me.

The first one is using "I" statements rather than "You" statements. Example would be: Instead of saying "You never want to go to the movies with me" you would say "I feel upset and hurt when you dont want to go to the movies with me". Also not using words like never.

The second part of this was using reflective statements. This is actually harder than it sounds sometimes. When your spouse says something to you, it is the human reaction to say how you feel and most of the time you interject in your mind, in the conversation before your spouse has finished talking. Then you say what you feel. Instead of doing that, it is better to reflect back what was said. Example: Spouse says "I felt angry when you came home last night and made a lot of noise while I was trying to sleep". Reflective statement would be "Ok, so you felt angry because you thought I was making noise to wake you up last night?" This has 2 purposes. The first part is that it makes the person hurt feel like you actually listened and are trying to understand. Second part would be that it repeats it in there mind so they can hear it again, remember it better, and understand it more.

I think all in all I learned a lot about communication and how these things can be key. I am focusing on working in these areas not only with my wife but with any conflict in life. I think that if I bring these things into my regular speech it will make things much easier for me and I wont come across so defensive.