My story is so long but here's the short version. My husband had a 2yr affair beg in 2005 til 2007 when i found out. we seperated for a few months then he came home wanting to work it out & things were great. I got a funny feeling after Xmas and decided to check his phone & saw a text from the OW that said she was drunk and wished he was there. I was mad & confronted him. He said she wouldn't leave him alone and that he was trying to stop her from taking a job a mile from our house. I kicked him out and not two weeks later I find out he was seeing another girl he had an affair with during our marriage. So a couple of weeks ago he moves to his mom's place which is a mile from the girl he had an affair with for 2 yrs. Kept telling me he loves me and we just need time to get past all this and he wanted his future to be with me. He of course keeps saying nothing is going on with either girl and I am blowing this all out of whack. Says I only see the bad in him and he just needs me to believe in him and quit spying.

well i did try to sort of believe him but i saw him and her at a bar Friday night and I confronted him the next morning and he was at her house. Then he said he made a mistake and should not have come home the first time and that I shouldn't want to be married to him if I didn't trust him. Same stuff he said the first time this happened with her. That he wasn't happy, etc. Only this time he won't admit to it being about her.

So my question is is he just in that "fog" or is this what he means. It just hurts so much b/c I loved him and we have been together for 16 years. He said he'd sign the divorce papers(I had already seen a lawyer) and he would give me everything. All he wants is his truck and clothes. I am going to take him up on it but I am just confused whether he ever loved me or is he just trying to rationalize what he is doing. Help! I am a mess.

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Thanks Melody. I'm always amazed at how a person can beat themselves up over and over and still continue to look for answers ignoring the repeated beatings...

Oct 2007

GG

It's Ground Hog Day!

On 10-29-07 you wrote:


And ? What did your attorney say?

I do see the point. :-) But I am more upset today that I wasted a year believeing he'd change and he really did act like he did for a very long time. I guess my point is, how do you stop feeling like you are the one losing in all this? He gets to go off and be with all his women, have no responsibilites and never have a care while we have to sit back and grieve and try and repair a life that you realize was a lie. And how to stop the hurt and thoughts of maybe he will change for her or someone else?

I know I shouldn't be pondering these thoughts but really I just wish one day he'd realize what he's done and that he made a huge mistake. But do serial cheaters ever do that?

You can't stop the hurt, but you can stop foolish notions about changing him by doing a quick reality check. You are living on the exhaust of wishful thinking and feelings and that is not serving you well as an adult.

You cannot change him and he has no desire to change. He is perfectly happy with himself as he is. The only one who has a problem with that is you. Acceptance is the answer.

Keep in mind that you are not a victim anymore; you are a volunteer. The problem is not HIM, but the lady in the mirror.

You're like the mouse that keeps running in the wheel getting nowhere.

Why don't you ask yourself

Why do I allow myself to be treated this way over and over and over and over.....

Forget about "He" and start using the word "I".

You might actual learn something new and then have a chance to get off the wheel...

Are you having a lightbuld moment?


GG

It's harsh but I guess I see that I am allowing it. I suppose he will treat me like I allow to be treated. But what I didn't say earlier is that he tells me everyday how he is not lying to me and nothing is going on and that he loves me. He keeps playing games with my mind, one day we need time to work this out, next day he says he misses home. And he comes by here during the day while I'm at work like he still lives here. My mind is exhausted but I don't know how to stop it.

I do try not to talk to him and after a few days he calls or gets mad because I'm ignoring him. I have tried to get him out of my life but when he sees I am doing that he tries to get back in somehow but putting on the charm, saying all the right things. He's good at manipulating me. It's like he knows he can do whatever he wants and I'll always be waiting. Now how in the heck do I show him that I'm not doing it anymore? That I'm finished taking his abuse?

littlebit29, when are you going to wake up and realize that the above quote is exactly what your H's OW are also saying?

Your just a bit player in your H's grand scheme of things, as long as you allow yourself to be.

Time to make hard choices, or as you can see, continue the facade.

Good Luck

All Blessings,
Jerry

hmmmmmmmmmm, I am thinking hard. Is this a TRICK QUESTION?? This is just too hard for my simple, Texas brain!!

Can someone smarter tell her how she could SHOW she is not doing it anymore and is finished taking his abuse?

OMG, I think I have figgered it out !! EUREKA!!

Here is how I think you could "show him that I'm not doing it anymore" and "That I'm finished taking his abuse"

You could:

STOP DOING IT ANYMORE


AND

STOP TAKING HIS ABUSE!

Did I get the answer right?

Do I get a prize?

Littlebit,
Your earlier post asked if there were any hope with Plan B.

Yes, there is hope. The hope is for YOU. There is a life for you. You can not only Plan B, but can re-contact your divorce attorney and get your ducks in a row for divorce.

You can take care of yourself. You can not change him into a man who is committed to marriage.

People who are manipulated are thus because they allow themselves to be so.

You have to be a whole person before you can share your life with someone else.

In God's scheme of things, two wholes make one.

All Blessings,
Jerry

MelodyLane,

I hope you are trying to help. It seems like a simple thing to do - stop taking the abuse. But he has beat me down to a place where I feel no worth whatsoever. And he uses my weaknesses to his advantage and at this point I am so weak from his abuse that it is so hard to stop it. Please understand I am not stupid, I know I'm allowing it but I can't figure out how to REALLY stop it because he tries to get back in everytime and it's always at my weakest moment.

I'm just looking for words of wisdom from people who have been through the years of mind warping by a serial cheater. I'm in a dark place right now. Going through this has beat me up. I'm just not a strong person these days.

And I have contacted an attorney and have emailed him my request and he said he would sign it this weekend but I haven't heard from him and he hasn't come to pick up his things as promised either.

And I have to stop the abuse, only I can but how do you shut off the feelings? For some crazy reason I still have feelings for him although Lord knows why! And I don't have a strong support system to help when I'm weak. That's why I've turned here.

I have an off the wall suggestion.

Go to an Alonon meeting or a Celebrate recovery meeting and just sit there and listen to other women(men) who have had to learn to do the same thing.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Lb:

You allow this to happen to you. Your married to a serial cheater.

Who is probably one step away from physically abusing you.

Your trying to please someone who can't be pleased.

Unless you have some sort of immigration issues, if you are in the US, you should file for divorce from this man.

Once you do THAT, your self-esteem will start to rise.

Its like in the Wizard of Oz, when the wicked witch was killed. All the soldiers started smiling and removing thier helmets. The curse had been lifted.

That is what will happen for you.

Sure, he promises to change.
Sure, he promises to stop.
Sure, he promises to "fill in the blank"

But he keep doing what he wants. Which is to abuse you.

You can stop this merry-go-round. By stepping off.

It doesn't matter what he says, only what he DOES.

LG