After months of Plan A, I believe many BS are so eager to see progress, they reduce their expectations of the WS. Big Mistake.

My Big Mistake.

What about listening to your cohorts on Marriage Builders who told you all that?!???!??

I've been thinking about this.
What I think happens is that the BS UNDERESTIMATES how difficult recovery is.

Recovery is difficult even when the WS is cooperative and ready !!!

BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES.

Did I say that emphatically enough?

I wish I had had a better understanding of what boundaries WERE.

And I wish I had made a LIST of them.

Man, this is gonna be a long list.

~kept saying that he wanted to recover "his way", which only meant spending time together, mostly partying and having fun.

~like FF's H, spent most of his time in our room, being "depressed". I think our bed is permanenty indented where he planted his b*tt for 10 months, glued to his laptop.

~refused to take me on business trips to the OW's hometown (or any business trip, for that matter). HUGE RED FLAG, duh!!!

~freaked out whenever I checked his laptop.

~refused to use any of the MB concepts...POJA, PORH, giving up IBs, etc.

~hated, I mean REALLY HATED any questions about the A. [not that any FWS LIKES these questions, but it's sure different now.]

~moped around for months, blaming me because he had to give up some IBs...when it was really the A and stress he was putting himself under that was making him so miserable.

~was MAD when I threw the clothes away that I knew he wore to see OW. I could hardly touch them and he was MAD!

~flipped out when I wanted to get rid of triggers [Plan B is great for this, I CLEANED HOUSE in regards to the A. No mercy whatsoever.]

~continually blamed me for his A because I wouldn't support his IBs!!

~MAJOR mid-life crisis things...bought a Harley, more tattoos, re-pierced his ears. [He has toned this down majorly now.] He was the MLC Poster Boy and I'm not kidding.

Don't accept crumbs. I have raised the bar high and I continue to do so.

I have never backed down on any of my boundaries though it's been d*mn hard sometimes. He has pushed me almost to my breaking point but I held my ground because I KNOW this is our only hope.

We have had some knock-down, drag-out fights, with one of us leaving in the middle of the night; smashing the house up; a second, pseudo "Plan B" because boundaries were not respected. But I have held firm to my boundaries, both to protect myself and our M.

Don't be afraid of their anger. It is VERY TRUE that your M can survive their ANGER.

<Cont'd.>


Don't allow the WS to come home too early. I probably did this after Plan B and while it did not lead to a second FR (thank the good Lord), it made recovery harder.

I think this is a GOLDEN observation. Pep is absolutely right here.

Recovery is a b*tch, and there's no way to pretty that up. It is really, excruciatingly, painfully hard. It will bring you to your knees many times. Be prepared.

Amen to that!~

Or allow them to USE your anger against you by blameshifting. Waywards are expert at blameshifting and shifting topics during discussions. I call my H on that every single time now.

Another mistake:

I allowed FEAR to be my guide.

I also let my own guilt over what I had done previously (my A) that I gave a huge amount of latitude and credit where none were earned.

The 8 Cow Wife


When I sailed to Kiniwata, an island in the Pacific, I took along a notebook. After I got back it was filled with descriptions of flora and fauna, native customs and costume. But the only note that still interests me is the one that says: "Johnny Lingo gave eight cows to Sarita’s father." And I don’t need to have it in writing. I’m reminded of it every time I see a woman belittling her husband or a wife withering under her husband’s scorn. I want to say to them, "You should know why Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for his wife."

Johnny Lingo wasn’t exactly his name. But that’s what Shenkin, the manager of the guest house on Kiniwata, called him. Shenkin was from Chicago and had a habit of Americanizing the names of the islanders. But Johnny was mentioned by many people in many connections. If I wanted to spend a few days on the neighboring island of Nurabandi, Johnny Lingo would put me up. If I wanted to fish he could show me where the biting was best. If it was pearls I sought, he would bring the best buys. The people of Kiniwata all spoke highly of Johnny Lingo. Yet when they spoke they smiled, and the smiles were slightly mocking.

"Get Johnny Lingo to help you find what you want and let him do the bargaining," advised Shenkin. "Johnny knows how to make a deal."
"Johnny Lingo! A boy seated nearby hooted the name and rocked with laughter.
"What goes on?" I demanded. "everybody tells me to get in touch with Johnny Lingo and then breaks up. Let me in on the joke."
"Oh, the people like to laugh," Shenkin said, shruggingly. "Johnny's the brightest, the strongest young man in the islands, And for his age, the richest."
"But if he’s all you say, what is there to laugh about?"
"Only one thing. Five months ago, at fall festival, Johnny came to Kiniwata and found himself a wife. He paid her father eight cows!

I knew enough about island customs to be impressed. Two or three cows would buy a fair-to-middling wife, four or five a highly satisfactory one. "Good Lord!" I said, "Eight cows! She must have beauty that takes your breath away." "She’s not ugly," he conceded, and smiled a little. "But the kindest could only call Sarita plain. Sam Karoo, her father, was afraid she’d be left on his hands."
"But then he got eight cows for her? Isn’t that extraordinary?"
"Never been paid before."
"Yet you call Johnny’s wife plain?"
"I said it would be kindness to call her plain. She was skinny. She walked with her shoulders hunched and her head ducked. She was scared of her own shadow."
"Well," I said, "I guess there’s just no accounting for love."
"True enough," agreed the man. "And that’s why the villagers grin when they talk about Johnny. They get special satisfaction from the fact that the sharpest trader in the islands was bested by dull old Sam Karoo."
"But how?"
"No one knows and everyone wonders. All the cousins were urging Sam to ask for three cows and hold out for two until he was sure Johnny’d pay only one. Then Johnny came to Sam Karoo and said, ‘Father of Sarita, I offer eight cows for your daughter.’"
"Eight cows," I murmured. "I’d like to meet this Johnny Lingo."
"And I wanted fish. I wanted pearls. So the next afternoon I beached my boat at Nurabandi. And I noticed as I asked directions to Johnny’s house that his name brought no sly smile to the lips of his fellow Nurabandians. And when I met the slim, serious young man, when he welcomed me with grace to his home, I was glad that from his own people he had respect unmingled with mockery. We sat in his house and talked. Then he asked, "You come here from Kiniwata?"
"Yes."
"They speak of me on that island?"
"They say there’s nothing I might want they you can’t help me get."
He smiled gently. "My wife is from Kiniwata."
"Yes, I know."
"They speak of her?"
"A little."
"What do they say?"
"Why, just..." The question caught me off balance. "They told me you were married at festival time."
"Nothing more?" The curve of his eyebrows told me he knew there had to be more.
They also say the marriage settlement was eight cows." I paused.
"They wonder why."
"They ask that?" His eyes lightened with pleasure. "Everyone in Kiniwata knows about the eight cows?"
I nodded.
"And in Nurabandi everyone knows it too." His chest expanded with satisfaction. "Always and forever, when they speak of marriage settlements, it will be remembered that Johnny Lingo paid eight cows for Sarita."
So that’s the answer, I thought: vanity.

And then I saw her. I watched her enter the room to place flowers on the table. She stood still a moment to smile at the young man beside me. Then she went swiftly out again. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. The lift of her shoulders, the tilt of her chin the sparkle of her eyes all spelled a pride to which no one could deny her the right. I turned back to Johnny Lingo and found him looking at me. "You admire her?" he murmured. "She...she’s glorious. But she’s not Sarita from Kiniwata," I said.

"There’s only one Sarita. Perhaps she does not look the way they say she looked in Kiniwata." "She doesn’t. I heard she was homely. They all make fun of you because you let yourself be cheated by Sam Karoo."
"You think eight cows were too many?" A smile slid over his lips. "No. But how can she be so different?"
"Do you ever think," he asked, "what it must mean to a woman to know that her husband has settled on the lowest price for which she can be bought? And then later, when the women talk, they boast of what their husbands paid for them. One says four cows, another maybe six. How does she feel, the woman who was sold for one or two?" This could not happen to my Sarita."
"Then you did this just to make your wife happy?"
"I wanted Sarita to be happy, yes. But I wanted more than that. You say she is different This is true. Many things can change a woman. Things that happen inside, things that happen outside. But the thing that matters most is what she thinks about herself. In Kiniwata, Sarita believed she was worth nothing. Now she knows she is worth more than any other woman in the islands." "Then you wanted -"
"I wanted to marry Sarita. I loved her and no other woman."
"But —" I was close to understanding.
"But," he finished softly, "I wanted an eight-cow wife."

Or allow them to USE your anger against you by blameshifting. Waywards are expert at blameshifting and shifting topics during discussions. I call my H on that every single time now.

Another mistake:

I allowed FEAR to be my guide.

I also let my own guilt over what I had done previously (my A) that I gave a huge amount of latitude and credit where none were earned. [/quote]

Can you elaborate on that all??

YES!!!!!!!!!!!

Do NOT allow FEAR to guide you. Never, ever, EVER.

And don't put your guard down in regards to your fears...it's hard to act in spite of your fears, but it's imperative.

We're on the same page, sista-girlfriend-FF.

sniff, what an awesome story!

Pep, thank you. It is wonderful to pay forward the lessons learned and the help received from the wonderful people here!

Yup, we need to remember we are '8 cow wives'

I thought of another thing I SHOULD NOT have done during the FR.

I should not have let him go overseas without me.
That I paid for :RollieEyes:

Ok 1st I was scared but now I am scared sh*tless!!!!!

Ah well have enjoyed hearing from everyone. It actually is helping me. I was letting my fear and my fear of his anger control what I was actually going to accept. I started to feel fog in my head but my stomach was feeling sick but then I called my Pastor this morning.

My Pastor said if you don't have conditions you are lowering your value and self worth and Mr. T2L will not love someone who does not love them self. He said put out the conditions and let the cards fall where they may.

So I have been reading this thread started by my lil IMey pooh Pepster. I know I needed to hear it all. So hard when you can reach out and touch it and you know that it may all start over again.

H did say he needed space too in his I am planning to come home speech, so hearing TST's comment on that helped too. Well it all sucks LOL but gotta do what I gotta do, plus kids are watching me and what I accept they will to and thats even worse as far as I'm concerned. Anyways hopefully info will pour in, I am still reading. Conditions to be delivered soon, not sure exactly.

T2L,

Your Pastor is very wise. Honey, do you have the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend? A very good read. What your Pastor is speaking of is boundaries which protect you from yourself moreso than from your WH.

Beautiful story, Lil.............

Instead of me yammering at you, I thought the message would be more powerful if spoken by many who have gone down the wrong road and learned from it. Which is THE POINT of all this life God gives us. Our missteps can benefit people who are listening.

Also, doing this on the board, others (lurkers), get to read and learn too.