shaddup - keep reading

Thank you Pepperband. Threads like this are always very helpful and informative.

We are almost at the 5 month mark and things are seeming to fall apart right now, not him but me. Still, this is something that will help me pull through I think. Validation, either way. I watch him all the time, I question but I suck at snooping.

LMAO Ok mom I am I am. It is good stuff. check ur email in few too.

Pep, I know your sending out a call for BS's so I hope you don't mind my intrusion.

N/C is a no brainer, but I negotiated my way around this during our FR. I told SMB it wasn't necessary, as I told her I had already taken care of that. I was not willing to be transparent on the N/C issue either.

In our FR, I also never told her 2 critical statements, "I was willing to do anything she asked", never agreed to, "do whatever it takes to recover our marriage".

During our FR, I also decided to keep my "Independent Behavior", "I needed my space". :RollieEyes:

During our FR, I also said I wanted to come home for the kids. In contrast to when I came home broken and repentant, I told SMB I wanted HER and then she knew I meant it.

You already know what I agreed to do when I asked SMB "to please have me back". SMB's list is in your notable posts thread. It would have been a mistake for SMB to take me back without my full agreement to her list of conditions.

I was HOPING for your intrusion

I'm glad you asked because I thought there was more to FR too.

My FWH's independent behavior was also something he didn't easily give up. We had been doing great with that until a few months ago. I had a problem with his making big decisions without POJA...unilateral decisions that I thought were hurtful, but in his mind he was wanting to protect us due to the economic downturn. He also doesn't seem willing to POJA his current job....nothing having to do with any OW...just his frequent travel requirement.

1. I wish I had made him wait longer to move back home. I made it way to easy. I wish I had made more of a song and dance about the NC Letter, about password access, and about spending time with me. I should have checked his cell phone after he told me he had deleted her number - he didnt, he just listed it under her middle name. Should have looked more carefully at his FB account, although there wasnt alot there it did show ongoing contact.

2. His going away to his house in Wellington all the time (at least once a week for 2-4 days each time). Crying and anger that i had assumed was withdrawl. His telling me he wasnt interested in my "12 step programme". lack of care and concern for my feelings. The way he would gleefully give me details fo the A - I realise now it wasnt for RH, it was to re-live it. Very thick, constant fogbabble. Refusal to get STD test.
Actions not words. His words were good, even Believer thought so

3. Get a NC letter before letting them move back home and take custody of it once it is written. Ditto for passwords, and a signed agreement for either cell phone swapping (which we did) or a new number. Shut down all social networking sites. become joined at the hip for at least the first few weeks even if you don't like each other very much. "personal space time" for the WS to be done at home, in a room without contact capability like cell, internet etc. STD test or no nookie.

Thats just my starting point really.

Exactly the same with Flick.
They were the first 2 messages he gave me in the 'real' one.

Another mistake was allowing him to breakup with OW in person. He said he met her at the mall...but still....totally unnecessary.

Well he always left his truck locked up tight except one day he didn't...so I searched and found paperwork from a wireless company with two cell phone numbers. I got on the internet and set up an on-line account and read all the phone bills. Got the original date it was set up and everything. My big mistake was calling the other phone number cuz I truly believed at that point it was yet another OW. It wasn't, there was a baby's coo as the voicemail message. (OC) I blew up at both of them so they just went further underground.

I made tons of mistakes by giving my data away via my temper!

First FR was before I found MB. I did layout requirements for coming home and he agreed to them. Problem was within 3 weeks he was back in the A.

FTR, my H did the very same thing, believer. Stood up in front of the church and apologized.

Never give your power away in anger.
Never talk to a WS to "set him/her straight" while in Plan B.

Which false recoverey?

The one you believed was real.

Oh I so agree, when I was irate at FWH I told him way too much. It's really important to not give away how you obtained info .... you will regret it since you have just lost your source. :twobyfour:
P.S. Thanks FF for the explaination.

I should have been less patient.


That she was only "on board" with parts of recovery. I ignored this, thinking that she would come around to the rest of things. The reality is she was "on board" with none of it.


Ignore meaningless "progress." The big things matter, NC, O&H, time together, committing to recovery, and action. If those aren't happening, then the "good talk" last night, and the WS said "ILY", etc. are just a smoke screen.

SMB's requirements AFTER a FR



link

I put too much faith in my then WW too early. I began to trust her when she did not yet deserve it.

When I became frustrated that she wasn't on board for any ACTIONs that would contribute to recovery, I would commit LB's and she would call OM for whatever reason, solace or vengence?

D-day for me was months before I found MB, and my biggest regret to this day is that I didn't EXPOSE. By the time I found out that exposure was a great tactic, I guessed it was SO late that it would be more of a revenge tactic than one to stop the A. Even after 2-3 false "recoveries", I did not expose and still have a great deal of regret.

I caved in to her threats of leaving if I did expose, and acted more out of fear than as a responsible, independent thinking adult.

Lack of exposure made FR much easier for her, as the only scrutiny she faced was from me. That's one of the many things I did wrong!

Think about your boundary before you allow WS back home
link to a definition of boundary