I check my account like 30 times a day..... I am so glad I didn't hit send. Thank you...I'm sorry you had to go through any of this. I am just as sorry for me. As much as I know it sucks, I really do hope I will come out of this a stronger person. It is so funny cause all that know me best cannot believe that I am in this position either. I usually am (although nice) very opinionated, moral , and strong. Losing my best friend and my dreams has done that to me. I am very realistic though....I know that if I am losing something, I am not losing it now, I lost it a long time ago. It is unthinkable to me that he could expect me to live like this. Are there any real men out there anymore....not hopeful at all. It sounds like he and your husband were very similar. He also was very moral and proud. I think that is his main problem, now he can't deal with what he has done. You would think that if he cared enough he would have made sure it stopped long ago. I know it's not possible anymore, but I guess I just want my old husband back! That can never happen...

Btw, I will do what he says....I did it my way it didn't work. I am out of options. I am certainly not willing to LET my husband disrespect me any longer.

OH yes, people who know us have been shocked at the seemingly sudden mess our life has "become". I'm also very "strong" and opinionated and tend to set ppl straight. I guess it's true that when we cannot control our own lives we seek to control others! STBXH & I are/were both very "moral and proud" too...except, neither of us ever knew the definition of either term! I'm getting there, STBXH is still stuck in the proud facade/really hates himself on the inside mode.

The thing is, it's a cycle. STBXH was never my best friend (nor did I ever speak such words, not even in my greatest, deepest denial!) and barely treated me as a wife. Thing is, for 10 years, I LET him do that! So if I don't do something FOR MYSELF now, well it is very safe to say my kids will also be confused. And for me personally, that trumps all. There's the deal-breaker. I couldn't care less about other men or potential relationships right now. I'm much more concerned with my kids' relationships. The past, current, and future ones. Seeing them thru tough times as the victors instead of the victims...now THAT is something to be proud of.

We have always been best friends until this woman came along. He is a pretty sensative guy and always showed a great appreciation for what we had and our family. I tryuly believe that he felt all of that until he met her. Although he appreciated and loved me, he still never loved me enough. I was never on a pedestle, I guess I always felt like he thought that although he loved me and chose to have a life with me, that he could have done better. I am not afraid that if on my own, I would never find someone to love me again. Even with four kids, I don't worry about that. I just worry cause I won't be with the man I love. Maybe I will find out that I just never even really knew true love. I know I may be happier in the end, it's just getting there that is so difficult. The only problem with that cared I found, is that he is the type of person to not say things he doesn't truly feel. The fact that this card was so loving, about thinking of her all the time and wishing he was with her, and how in lifes quite little moments he is most happy to have her in his life. Loving him completely. (It's long, but I think you get the point.) If he truly feels this way, which I think he does, why should I want to fight. I wish he didn't love me any longer. He says he does, and I believe him, but in what way?

I lost my best friend. That is hard to take. Even today, we still have the same likes and views and hopes for the future. We love and want the same things for our children....it is so hard to give it all up, even though I do know I'm not the one doing it. I do know that I have no option though. That I can't continue to live this way. I am also very worried about this economy....when I close my eyes I see is standing in bread lines, very scary. I am scared for us as a family yet alone as a single parent.

BTW- That refinance is a little closer...Since I took back over the bills my credit is up 100 points since November. A bit of good news for the day.

I cannot believe I haven't mentioned the card yet....It is killing me. It is like finding out all over again. I want to ask him to explain it. How he can be telling me he just feels bad for her and instead him pouring out his heart in this card. I want him and her to know I have it. I want this to end. I am so tired of the drama. Having these discusions time and time again for years and getting no where. If he feels that way about her I want him to go. Now it seems like he is making it so that he will go, but it won't be with her, or alone, it will be gone forever. I resent him putting this added pressure on me.

I almost am feeling like a plan B today. I cannot do this anymore. "I know what the card said, it wasn't a friendship card.....are you going to say goodbye to her now and work on our marriage, or are you moving out?"

and AHHHHHHH....still no taxes!

Good morning SI. Sounds like you're having one of those days. This is normal, and you're doing the right thing coming here to vent. I have a few thoughts for you.

RE: The economy & bread lines - DO NOT have faith in fear. This is no time (the economy, your personal sitch) to sit back & envision yourself as a victim. There is no reason for this to have such an impact, so don't even think it might!

RE: Plan B - Not sure you're really to that point yet but I'll tell you, when I started Plan B, I came home & told my then H he was welcome to stay, work on the marriage, but no more (in my case beer/drinking) or...he had to leave. He chose to leave. I then put together my official Plan B.

RE: taxes - they're deposited on Fridays. You didn't get a deposit date when you filed?

Hang in there.

I have to itemize because of the daycare. So we cannot e-file. It has been 2-3 weeks....in the past though, we always get them very fast...less then 2 weeks.

last night he came in and just kissed me on the head. I hated that...I told him this morning that he still sees me as the 18 year old he first met instead of the woman I am now. He said he really wanted to kiss me, but he knows I don't feel comfotable with that. I told him he was right. That if my husband has been sleeping in another room for 6 months and kisses me on the head I have to get the hint. He says he still loves me...I wish he would just say he doesn't so I can move on. That is why I want so badly to tell him I have seen the card!

I wish I could just run away!!!!! I am so tired of all the drama. I just cannot take this ruining everyday. Dominating every night. My ever thought kidnapped into this situation. I do not want her to ever be a part of my life again...but at every turn there she is! So, So, done.

Tell me again why you can't?

WTH are you doing? What have you demanded from him? You say you're not letting him walk all over you, but I haven't seen a single thing you have done differently.

Why didn't you respond to the earlier suggestion of printing out her picture and pasting it up all over the house? Why are you not doing anything?

And what does taxes have to do with any of this? Are you thinking if you kiss up to him he'll sign the check over to you or something? You're better off letting the court guarantee it. You can't trust a wayward to think of his family first. They just don't. They open new credit cards and rack up charges wining and dining the OW.

I am waiting for taxes to have the money to talk to Dr. Harvey and get my plan. I am not posting pictures all over my house because no matter how appealing that seems, I would rather him leave and explain that to my children then to explain why pictures of someone they know well are all over our house. I own this house with him. They are my taxes also, and he will not have to sign anything over to me. I have been home for about 4 years the rest of our twenty years together we were fairly equal salary wise. but yes, it would be quite nice to just have that in the bank before I say to leave. Make me feel a little more secure. I know it is just another reason to wait, but it is a reason just in case what you say is correct and he doesn't keep up with his end of the bargain. I was keeping it for leverage with my plan B. Maybe you are right though, I should just tell him cause I don't like it weighing on my mind. It may be alright for him to have found a way to be anything but honest with me, but I don't like dishonesty especially now.

SI, do you feel like you're going crazy today? Or, insane? You're familiar with the definition?

sinkingin: I'm not sure it's sinking in!

Look at your thread title. You came here stating everyone here was right...but you're still...what, afraid? What action have you taken?

WHAT have you done?
What HAVE you done?
What have YOU done?
What have you DONE?

If you were your WH, would you respect you right now? Would you care about the card? Why should you??

I do think he will care about the card. He may get really angry though. Like he did when I found out reading his texts, at the ivasion of his privacy. That is fine though, I don't care, I don not feel as if I have done anything wrong. I only did that to free myself. I do know I HAVE to do something, action not words. I will. I guess what I have done is just refused to be lured back in by him this time. We have been there done that. He does notice that. I promise I will do more. I know you really are all right. I know if I had followed the plan in the beginning I would not be here today

Sink...

Do not wait for him to explain this to the children -- because he won't tell them the truth. If you want them to know the truth -- you are going to have to tell them. That goes for everyone (not just your children). Your children need to know the truth.

You're kidding me with this card business right? You're stressed out because he gave his mistress a lovey-dovey valentines card, and lied to you about it? Really? The card?
He's SLEEPING and IN LOVE with ANOTHER WOMAN. And you're waiting to bust him about a card???? Because you think he should have told you the truth?

Seriously woman -- you need to get your act together.

While you are waiting you need to get your butt into Plan A.
You need to attract your husband back to you. You need to be the woman he fell in love with. You need to COURT him.

Next time he kisses you on the forehead -- GRAB him and lay a big one on him. FIGHT FOR YOUR HUSBAND.

Your marriage can be better than ever SINK. But you need to fight for it. You're not doing that....you're just letting the OW take it.

I did that!!! For the last year and a half I tried to be the person I thought he needed. It gets me nowhere! I do everything!!!!! In a year and a half I have tried to be more me, more her, more someone else, it just didn't work. I am tired of fighting and sitting by trying to work on my marraige by myself!

I am fairly attractive, thin, I have lots of friends, aI am loyal and trustworthy and I do believe everyone sees me that way. I have my four boys. Everyone loves them, they are all great and good at school and sports, and have lots of friends. My husband is the one screwing this all up. I always have people telling me left and right how great my kids are and how well they "think" I am doing at raising them. People tell him all the time how lucky he has to have me as well, obviously it doesn't matter to him. If I am showing him affection and love again aren't I just falling back into the same old trap? I thought I was supposed to be Keeping my boundries. He is still afterall talking to her still!