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It sure has been a while...and enough time has passed where I can honestly see clearly.

The biggest advice I can give is to ignore the words and pay attention to the actions. Talk is cheap, and the WS is a master of deception. I believed things that I can not even fathom right now, I was hurt and I wanted to believe what I was being told.

My first FR lasted almost an entire summer. I knew he was still in contact, but since he was living back at home again, I allowed myself to be fooled into thinking that they were dying out. He said all the "right" things to soothe me into thinking we were on the recovery track. His actions lacked...and therefore recovery never had a chance.

My second piece of advice is NO CONTACT IS A DEAL-BREAKER!! YOU WILL NOT RECOVER AS LONG AS THEY HAVE ANY CONTACT.

When our final and "real" recovery started there was honesty and accountability. Trust but verify. I was able to address triggers without throwing the A in his face, he would talk with me in a caring manor and help me deal with it and answer whatever questions I had.

Following the MB plan and listening to advice here, helped me deal with the A in a very rational and adult way (I am not saying that I wasn't an emotional wreck, but I didn't let THEM see it). I do not condone my FWS actions, but I understand our role in getting to that place. I refuse to let it define him as a person. We have a wonderful relationship now; we meet each others ENs. It makes my heart smile to know he has the utmost respect and admiration for me.

I hope I didn't veer off task too much

bump,

just b/c this thread is so insightful

It seems like the BS's who don't want their WS's back at all, after discovering an affair, have the best chance of no false recoveries. Probably because the WS gets immediately what he has done. He made a choice that just cost him everything. And there is nothing like a cold hard dose of "I just made the most costly error of my life and have lost everything" to wake a WS up.

But most BS's are rendered scared, due to their own insecurities, to walk away upon DD. Most, as Faith said, are guided by their own guilt at not being a very good spouse and allow this to add further to their insecurities.

A WS, upon discovery, finds out pretty quickly if they can fence sit, or if they have just entered into the fight of their life to keep the BS from walking away and never looking back.

If you have decided to do a Plan A, because your marriage was not so good, then like a Plan A where you EXPECT continued contact and EXCEPT that an affair is going on, and will continue to go on during this Plan A, you should also expect that there will be false recoveries. Maybe false recoveries are part of the growth phase of recovery and of a BS becoming strong.

Even after going into a dark PLAN B, a BS who has grown accustomed to weakness on your part and the allowance of fence sitting, probably won't be truly "there" yet.

For me, in the R I was in, if I had not been acting from a place of extreme need and insecurity, I would have seen clearly that he was still lying and playing me. It was pretty obvious, looking back, that he was in it to get the most for himself that he could.

People need to be strong, both men and women, in order to come from a place of real and productive love.

This was the biggest falacy of my life, thinking women didn't need to be strong. That it wasn't attractive, or sexy, or desirable.

I am now both strong and loving. But it's taken a whole lifetime of kicks to wake up and finally get it.

Totally agree with this.

Agreed! Now that my WW sees me prepared to end the marriage at the drop of the hat, she has stopped fence-sitting. I wish I hadn't been so desperate at the beginning because I contributed to a horrible drawn-out battle to end the affair and get my wife to return home. It took 5 false starts to get to the current point, and I have no idea if I'm outta the woods yet. It's been distinctly different since my wife has become aware of how fragile my resolve to the the marriage is.

WoW

good one my friend

OMG! This is so, so TRUE. I allowed my WH to cake eat so long that it became a fun, challenge for him to see just how long he could fool me. I really believe that he thought he could keep it going forever. But, like all BS's I reached the breaking point. Now that the D date is set, I think he sees that I meant business.

Agreed. Even though I didn't experience FR, trickle truth or ommission of other WTF deception can be equally as devastating IMO.

to you all for this thread. You are some of the strongest people I 'know.'

Hi Sugar Cane,

I missed your response. Yes, I am still with him. I want to clarify what I meant by kick him out. What I meant was that he never faced consequences for his actions, I didn't insist on it. I didn't protect myself. That is what boundaries do.

Currently I still have huge trust issues. My gut says that he is here for financial purposes only.

I do have to say we have become friends again, but not really spouses.

I look back and question my own memories, were we ever happy or was it a facade on both sides? My wh said that he didn't think that we would stay married when we first were married due to the divorces his sisters had. He just assumed we would too. I didn't realize this was a temp. state, this marriage thing, so now I don't even know what the vows meant. Can't say I have much clarity even today.

I do know that I have to pick myself up, dust myself off, square my shoulders and continue to face each day.

It would be a lot easier if I could forgive myself though....

bump for Gabby

Hi

A late comer to this thread and not as experienced as many...

but where I KNOW I went wrong had less to do with how tuned in I was to my FWH's state of mind or intentions, than how aware I was of my own desperation and vulnerability. Looking back, I KNEW I was believing him because I was still desperately wanting what he said to be true. I SAW him breaking small boundaries and conditions and let it happen because I wanted him back more than he (really)wanted to be back. I set a time line and conditions and rushed them all. He deceived me but I let it happen despite my valid gut feelings and doubts because I wanted to believe the nightmare was over.

An IC I saw gave me some good advice, which was to think of what I would advise my daughter to do in the same situation, before each subsequent decision I made, and I kind of applied this the second time around. I realised that what I had accepted as good enough for me I would NEVER have considered good enough for her. I managed to remember that what I KNEW about him from experience was that he was capable of cheating and lying, and he had to PROVE to me that there was no cheating and lying at every step of the way. And still does. And I got better at examining my first reactions and identifying when I was believing something based on the evidence and when I was believing something because I was desperate to believe it.

Bit of a ramble, but the gist of it is that staying alert to the possibility that you are vulnerable and could allow yourself to be deceived is maybe as important as staying alert to the possiblity that your WS is still in deceitful mode.

A clear head and strength to all of us!!!

Aprill

Aprill, great post. This is what we usually encounter when newly betrayed spouses arrive on the scene. They believe what they WANT TO BELIEVE rather than what is TRUE. They are in SHOCK and do not want to believe what is right before their faces. So when we tell them the truth, at first they are often ANGRY as hell and accuse us of being "bitter" or "in pain."

It would be so much easier to just go along with them, but those of us who have been through this, all know that denial will only work against them. Facing the facts and acting on their behalf is the only solution.


This is hard to do for a person who is wracked with grief and terror but you have hit the nail on the head. The ones who make it are the ones who PUT ASIDE their emotions and instead follow INSTINCTS and LOGIC. Instincts are usually RIGHT. Emotions send us off on in the wrong direction because they are concerned with what we WANT instead of what is TRUE.


Agree absolutely! I think the forum can help in this regard. All the "bitter," "pain wracked," "suspicious"... "jealous" posters can point out the deceit.

Great post, April!

Thanks Mel!! As a long time lurker and not-often-poster (I tend to find the answers in someone-else's post cos we really ARE following the same script!!!(and I live across the world in the wrong timezone)) I have to say you are right and the forum does help see through the fog. And the counsel of wise women and men like yourself, Pep, tst, schoolbus and SO many others was a real lifeline in my darkest hours for which I will always be grateful. And I agree, sometimes the advice seems harsh at first, but its not as harsh as realising that the one person in the world you trusted to love and cherish you would willing deceive you AGAIN, because he saw that he could get away with it.

But I think it's not only in the horrible pain of the 'newly betrayed' state that judgement can be impaired - I think when I felt like I was 'coping' and was feeling strong in plan B, I was hiding from myself the fact that I was following the plan, appearing strong and determined, as a kind of desperate 'bargaining', that if I did it all right he WOULD come back, and so was all too happy to believe it when he seemed to be doing that. Kind of like the bargaining stage in grief - if I get this right he WILL come back and I've done it all right so this MUST be true, he MUST be coming back. So the willingness to believe what was not true continued well past the initial shock for me, and the fact that I seemed to be coping and feeling strong in Plan B before our FR was really part of the denial that this COULD be the end of my marriage and he would maybe never come back.

So I think there are maybe 2 'danger' times for FR; in the initial pain of the newly betrayed, and in those who convince themselves they are doing a 'dark' plan B when they're desperately clinging to the belief that if they just 'do this right', their WS's will come back...all the while peering anxiously out from behind closed curtains trying to see their BS's every move. Which is what I was doing.



Aprill

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The saddest thing for me to accept is that we could have a false recovery anytime. It could be right now or 5 years from now. The blind trust that I had before the betrayal was the biggest mistake that I have made. I wanted to believe so I ignored my gut over and over again. I made every excuse imaginable to ignore what was right in front of me. I had my husband on a pedestal and he was just a normal man. I don't take anything for granted anymore.

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Bump for Brutallyhonest28 (and lots of others).

Bump for armymama