Sadly only 4 hours. OM and I have agreed that what we have been feeling addicted to each other (which I've also read on this site) and I am not going contact him again. I've already blocked his email address from my email accounts and have researched changing my cell phone number.

I DO feel like a terrible, terrible person who does not deserve to live.

If you really are serious about it and your BH is willing to work with you on the M, then I think it would be great. Wish my WW would do that.

Then fix it.

Hi Roogirl,

How old are you, why do you not have sexual relations.

You can change this by doing the right thing. No matter what happens in your affair, your H has a right to know the truth about his life today.

And yes, you are addicted to the OM and 95% of affairs crumble in less than 2 years. They are based on thoughtlessness, selfishness and deceit, and those very traits will kill the affair.

I am 31 and BS is 32.

There are many reasons for no sexual relations, not the least being that in 12/05, as I was walking out the door to go to make Christmas cookies with my girl friends, BS told me that sex was boring. In hindsight I should have called my friends and told them I couldn't make it but I went anyway and BS and I never addressed the issue. We have talked about that night a handfull of times in the past year and he's told me that "boring" wasn't the right word, routine would have been better.

In addition to this BS had a PT job as well as a FT job from 8/06 through 2/07 and I have been in school 2-3 nights a week. In 2/07 he changed careers and works nights six days a week while I have traditional hours/days. For the past year we've often gone more than a week without seeing each other.

Our lack of time at home is the biggest reason that I don't know if this can work, even if he agrees to work on the M. He loves his job and his hours. I don't know that I want to be alone that often and I believe that all of our Independent Behavior helped to open the door for this A to begin.

This was certainly the case for me.

Roogirl, do you want to save your marriage?

Because if you do, we can help you. I think you are right about the problems in the marriage, but those are problems that can be resolved. We can even help bring your husband around.

Is this how you justified the affair? Were you having the affair the punish him for his neglect?

Roo,

I would ask you to spend at least 1/2 the time with your husband that you found to spend with your OM.

Chances are that you would find that you love your husband. The issue is probably more that you nurtured the relationship with OM, and neglected the relationship with your H.

It's like feeding one garden, and poisoning the other. Which one do you expect will grow better?


Now your chore is to go home to your H. Tell him what you have done. Tell him from an honest and loving heart. Don't try to justify what you have done - tell him that what you did was wrong, stupid, and that it disabled you from loving him the way you should have.

And then, tell him that you have found help here - for both of you. That you learned that there are ways to fix marriages after infidelity, and that the first steps are:

No contact letter to OM, which you have already begun and which your H will read and send to OM after your H approves it.

Exposure of your affair to both of your families (yes, this will bother you greatly, but you need to do it for your marriage and for you to regain your own boundaries).

Recommittment to your marriage, and the purchase of Surviving an Affair.

Get started now.


SB

Roo,


You wrote this on Rustyshackleford's thread today....



Unless and until you tell your husband the truth and give him at least a chance to become a better husband, both you and he will NEVER have the marriage either of you envisioned as children.

The truth will suck to deliver and may itself destroy your marriage but the LIE will destroy it for certain.

My marriage is night and day better after recovery than it EVER was prior to my wife's affair. We are BOTH better spouses. You've really got NOTHING to lose as the lie will eat you (and, unknowingly, him) up (i.e. - it's your conscious that keeps you reading here at MB, you KNOW we are right and you can't recover a marriage from adultery if only one spouse knows about it)

The longer you delay the more painful it becomes.

Mr. Wondering

Mr. Wondering,

You are exactly right.

"The truth will suck to deliver and may itself destroy your marriage but the LIE will destroy it for certain."

How do I find the courage to put myself out there? To tell you that the idea of being rejected again is crippling is an understatement, not to mention that I have been a complete idiot since my first post. The OM contacted me at the end of January and I STUPIDLY went back for more. It's been nearly 24 hours of NC.

"(i.e. - it's your conscious that keeps you reading here at MB, you KNOW we are right and you can't recover a marriage from adultery if only one spouse knows about it)"

Yep. Been reading the site since maybe August of '08. Can't seem to tear myself away.

RG,

What are you so afraid of? You are already living seperately from your BH. And didn't you say that you both agree on D but are waiting for the finances to be right? Sounds like the marriage is all but buried at this point anyway. Why not take a chance? Why not come clean? The truth will lift a tremendous burden that you have been carrying around. Whether you recover your marriage or not, it is the right thing to do. You will feel so much better about you once you come clean regardless of the final outcome.

And, if you want the marriage you dreamed of as a little girl that might just be possible but it's time for you to step up to the plate if you want to have a shot at it.

Mindshare

I am afraid of the look in his eyes when I tell him all that I've said and done. Afraid that the ridiculously selfish way I've acted will make him look at me with disgust. I am afraid that he will never be able to love me and take a chance on me ever again.

He just might look at you that way. He may walk out the door and never look back. You may have D papers delivered to you the next day.

He may also look disgusted but realize that you and your marriage are worth recovering. He may take a few days and decide that his vows are important and he wants to try to save the M. He may see you as someone who needs protecting and he wants to be the one to help you through this painful time.

The thing is, you do not KNOW how he will respond.

But the fact that you're here indicates that you do know what you're doing by deceiving your H is wrong.

I thought my M was over. I had a PA. The PA ended and I went through withdrawal and was only trying to get up the nerve to end my M, because you can't have an A and still love your H, can you?

Then my H started making changes. He started showing renewed interest in us. So I felt certain that if I told him about my A that ended 4 months earlier he'd D me immediately. But I also knew that holding back the truth and continuing the lie -- which was preventing me from committing 100% to my M -- was killing me. I was having anxiety attacks and was so sad people who barely knew me were asking my friends if I was okay. I knew I was being an inferior mother and an unfair wife. (I was many other things but those were among the stronger feelings.)

I knew H was going to leave but guess what? We're still together. So what was it I knew? We may not end up together as we're still fighting to get through this, but we're giving it a shot. My H is deeply hurt but he's also more attentive and sensitive to me. The DJs and AOs are there and they don't feel good, but he's here and he's trying despite the hurt.

So don't think you know how he's going to respond. And even if he proves you right, that's his choice. You made yours. He gets to make his.

Please tell him, RD. It really is true that the truth -- and by that I mean THE WHOLE truth -- will set you free. Please believe me.

Take care.

L4...you don't know me (or what little you know you've learned in the past hour or so) but I feel like I know you. I've been reading your thread for months and pulling for you and your H. Your remorse and pain and willingness to do everything and anything to recover your M comes accross in your posts. So, thank you for posting here. I truly do appreciate it.

You are all right. I need to tell him. I am afraid. I am anxious. I am broken. And I want to be whole again.

Since we aren't living together I sent him a text message tonignt (such a ridiculously lame form of communication...) asking what his weekend plans are. If he tells me he's open, this is it.

So we're clear, I am by no means a role model, RG. I have a feeling you and I have been in the same place and if you have been able to gleen any helpful info from the various vets who have been of great support for me on my thread, then I'm glad for that.

I know you can do this. Even without knowing you, I'm sure it'll be the hardest thing you have ever done. And it will hurt more than you can even imagine. BUT, the reality that you can live a completely honest life from that moment forward is very powerful. And you'll be okay.

You can do this, RG. Borrow my quote from Vittoria which is in my sig line. She's lending it to me.

Come back here as often as you need for support. You've set the wheels in motion and I'm proud of you for doing so.

(bolding mine)

Thank you, L4. I'll come back to post what he says about his weekend plans.

RG,

Clearly you have been reading here for a long time. You know how the MB program works. I'm guessing you have read hundreds of threads and you now know that you must come clean with your BH if you ever want a shot at that marriage you dreamed of as a little girl. Like I already asked....what do you have to lose? From what you described you don't have a marriage right now anyway. If your BH decides D is the right answer after he learns the truth then that is his choice, at least you will be able to live an honest life moving forward. I'm always surprised by just how many BS's actually don't go straight to D. I was one who thought I would always go straight to D and then when confronted with it I didn't. I tried to save the M. So, you have no idea what he is going to do but you know deep inside your soul that you must tell the truth here or living with this lie will destroy you. Do the right thing. Then do the best you can to build a new marriage if your BH will let you.

Mindshare

What did your H say about the weekend plans?