Four months ago, I found out that my wife had an affair with en ex-boyfriendo for more than four years till the moment I discovered her. He lives in a city 1000 miles away from where we live. She met him every summer (we use to go to that city to spent our summer holidays), some winters (when we went skiing to the same city) and his lover came to our city to visit her three or four times every year for a week or so. We have three kids and his lover is also married and have three kids of his own. When all was exposed (his wife was the one to find out and told me), they decided to end the affair. The last 6 months she also dated some guys, with which she only kissed or had virtual sex.
She said she did that because she needed to forget her lover. She is in a depression since 5 years.
She says she don´t love me anymore but she don´t want to separate because of the kids. I still love her. I bought three of the books of Dr Harley and we read them but she still says she can´t imaging loving me in this moment.
I´m still shocked and can´t overcome the resentment so we fight a lot every night. At first I kicked her out of our house but told her she can come back in less than a week. Last month she left our home for two weeks because she told me she need to think about our relationship. After she came back, I took my kids for two weeks to a different place for our annual vacations and she didn´t want to come because she said we were always arguing and she can´t imagine spending leisure time with me.
I don´t know what to do to overcome resentment.
I can´t trust on her so I now control her cell phone and our house telephone (we have to change our home telephone number and her cell phone) and have a soft in the computer to control what she writes on it. She knows about all this and blame me for doing so. She says she feels controlled.
I don´t know how to trust her again, how to overcome resentment and how to rebuild our marriage. I believe in what Dr Harleys says in his books but she doesn´t, so I don´t know what to do. I lost in these four months 40 pounds of weight and I don´t know how much longer I´ll resist this situation. I need help.

Time to have DNA test for paternity.

You should call the Harleys for advice.

Not a wise move to of left WW behing on the vacation. Who knows how many new guys she banged. Also you should call OMW to find out where OM was when you unwisely left your WW alone for two weeks after D day.

:MrEEk:

Sorry you are here Sogona. WOW falling all over other men to get over OM....okay. :RollieEyes: You can't overcome resentment when WW is still kicking you in the gut. I'd go to plan B or D. Sorry to say it but it looks like your WW is more interested in acting like a tramp and doesn't care who the OM is or how many there are.

First how old are your kids??? If conceived during this timeframe or even close get a DNA test.

Second she doesn't sound like she even wants to recover the relationship...she justs wants to continue as roommates and have you support her financially.

5 years of the "Same time next Year" routine may be too much to recover from. How is the OM's marriage doing? What is the wife doing about recovering their marriage or divorce??

My children are 15, 13 and 10 and the three looks like me. I thinck a DNA is not necessary.
May be you are right and she only wants my finantial support. But what about our kids? They beg me to forgive her and try to recover our marriage.
It won´t be easy to keep the kids for me in court. Nearly every judge gives them to their mother. And that will kill me. I can´t take that chance.
Thanks for the comments. Still need your help.

The only way she will ever come around is if you take a stronger stance and set up some rules for you to be willing to stay with her. Most betrayed spouses here, upon discovery, will demand no more contact, to give you all her computer/phone passwords so you can check to make sure she is no longer talking to any other man, and total transparency on what she's doing and where she's going.

If she's not willing to do this, I urge you to send her packing. It was SHE who messed up the family, so she should leave. Kids stay with you. Go to a lawyer to see what rights you have, and then set the ground rules.

"I thinck a DNA is not necessary."

Yes and you did not think your WW was having an affair.

What was the date of your D day?

Does your WW still travel alone?

Are you able to verify NC?

Has WW shared her passwords to access computer, cell phone?

Have you installed a GPS in her car?
Best way is to hide a gps phone that provides realtime GPS without extra charge.

Install a keylogger on her computer?

How has WW behavior been since D day? Angry, mad, sad, depressed, withdrawn?

The D day was last October 17th.
She doesn´t travel alone anymore.
Verify NC. What´s that?
I have access to her mails, facebook and cellphone. I receive detailed invoices.
I have not a GPS on her car
I installed a keylogger but she knows how to find it and erase things out
Since de D day: sad, depressed, withdrawn at first, but recovered most of the time now, with moments in which she cries all day long, and some nights also. Told me she is totally repentant for what she did and told me she won´t do it anymore. Still when she is mad with me, can´t say she comply with what she says.
Thank you.

She is lying to get you to stop snooping and start trusting her. Until she breaks contact with the OM and the affair is over she will continue to lie and do whatever she can to get you off her case and keep the affair running.

Snoop, snooop, snoop. And when you have evidence you expose to family, OMs family and important, ASK their ADVICE. Ask them to help you stop this affair and help your WW back to your marriage.

You should check the custody assumption out with a qualified lawyer. I think that is most states 50/50 would be the default for teenagers but your state may be different. I have full custody but it is a unique situation.

While she was in her parents house (nearly 20 days in January) she called some of the guys she used to date. She says never seen them but as she was depressed, very angry with me and without loving me, she needed to talk with them. One of them is the father of a friend of my eldest daughter who is divorced and with whom she dated once only for a coffee. The other one she dated last september, kissed and stuff but didn´t have sex with.
She told me because she knew I could see the detailes invoice of her parents telephone. She asked again for forgiveness.
What should I do? Let her talk to whoever she wants?
Don´t control her calls and her movements in the internet anymore?
Our kids heard our discussion last night. I can stand this situation anymore.
I´m sick of hearing her promising she would change.
Anybody wants to help me?

I am sorry my friend but she was cheating on you for 5 years of your marriage. Now after finally being busted she cannot go 30 days without calling up old boyfriends. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volume. She is a serial cheater and a person with a severe broken moral compass. I strongly suggest you contact an attorney to understand your options. It is clear by her actions that she has absolutely no respect for you and your relationship whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I wish you luck because it is ridiculous that you should have to settle for this.

If I were you, I would pull out the big guns and get thee to a Marriage Builders weekend. Your marriage is in big trouble because your wife has been lying and cheating for so long. It will take ALOT to recover from that so I would give it your best shot.

At the MB weekend, Dr Harley will start you on an organized strategic plan with weekly lessons that are guided by him and his trained staff. You will have daily access to Dr Harley and his staff until you turn this around.

My H and I tried to do this out of the books, but the few things I missed made all the difference in my marriage and we sort of struggled along for years. Dr Harley identified a major problem in our marriage on DAY ONE. Removing that one problem broke the dam open for us.

Anyway, that is what I would do. I would give it my best shot and if your marriage is hopeless, Dr Harley will most likely tell you that.

She should not be forgiven unless she earns it. Saying she is sorry is not enough. She has to commit to AFFAIR PROOFING your marriage. That means no conversations with men, no internet time unless you are there. She should not be carrying on her adultery in the same home with you and your children.

Ask her to take her adultery somewhere else and disconnect the internet. If you see her talking to her OM, then follow her around and say "please take your affair converations out of the home of my children" REAL LOUD so she cant carry on the conversation.

Your goal is to cause as much conflict as possible. Her flagrant adulterous behavior is very alarming. I am concerned that you have been dealing with this for a very long time and may be ready for plan B.

Have your kids been told the truth about her affairs? Have the affairs been exposed to your family and close friends?

p.s. if I were you, I would have this moved to a busier forum like General Questions 11 where more ppl can see this. if you want to do that, click on "notify" at the bottom of the post and ask the mod to move it.

Thanks for your advices

What country are you in? I noticed you said "holiday" where most US folks would say "vacation".

UK? Canada?

The custody stuff is different in those countries, though you have older kids which have their own say.

This is a tough one.

No, by no means should you stop spying. If anything, she should start being accountable to you for her whereabouts and who she calls.

If you're in the States, then don't assume for one second that the courts are automatically biased towards women. They are in a way, but men can and often do win custody battles when they are prepared. It's all a matter of preparation and presentation. Women win more often than not because the man gives her custody (move out of the house, for example).

Assume nothing and talk to a lawyer.

What about exposure?
Very few people know about what happened. Her family knows because I´ve told them, but only one of my brothers knows and only two of my friends. She was very upset when I told her sis and her parents, and I don´t know what to do about exposure. It´s good or bad?
What about if we go on living together?
If all of our friends and relatives know, she won´t be able to go to anyplace with me anymore and can´t go to a lot of places or meet a lot of friends she use to meet, because they will despise her. Anyone will think she is so mean. Actually, she doesn´t want to go to family events of my family because she can´t face my brother and his wife. I have 6 more brothers and sis and even my parents doesn´t know anything.
She already stopped (or she says so) cheating on me. She still say can´t love me in the same way she did before. She says she loves me but is not "in love" with me.
What should I do? Tell everybody? Mi kids also don´t want anyone to know about what their mom´s did. They are so ashamed.
I´m so confused. What should I do?

For the sake of your marriage you have to expose her. Who cares what other people will think if it saves your marriage. If that what you want.

I thought exposure was to end the affair(s). If so then they appear to be stopped. You have exposed to all of her family and friends. What would be accomplished by exposing to you remaining brothers and sister? Work on ways to verify the end of this activity that she states she has ended and then together gets some counceling.