I know you must be exhausted but having your family there to help you through this is a blessing. If you continue to have trouble sleeping you can get a OTC sleep aid or look into a prescription like Ambien. I know several people that have use Ambien intermitantly and it was of great help to them.

Like others have said, be careful where this miliant solicitor is concerned. Lord knows what deranged things WH has told them to add to the cause. Will be on the look out for ya. Take Care.

Tully dear, I'm behind you 100%. You just keep on protecting you and those precious girls, and you're going to be fine.

Don't think I'm entirely out of hope, but this isn't the time to be thinking about whether or not a reconciliation will ever be possible. That's another question for another day.

He has declared war, and you need to win and take no prisoners.

Hey, - Tully

why don't you give us this mediators membership information/name. Let some of the computer savy research him.

With the agreement that they will not harrass..or contact this guy at all. I bet there are all kinds of associations of this type for men to join.

I betcha we can find loads of information of this type of mediator. It might prove helpful in the "trenches."

If you do not want it public posted- private e may be a good second.

I would be interested in looking into this type of "mediator" anyway.

Just a thought-- it may be a bad one at that.

Nance

I mean, when you first contacted this guy, I was thinking to myself..."what the hck kind of mediator it THAT?"

But when you gave the rest of the information, it made all kinds of sense.

I know these type of atty associations are in USA (A.D.A.M and G.R.E.G) for example, but I did not know they MAY have extremest fringes hanging on.

:crosseyedcrazy:

Tully,

I don't have much to add. You are getting good advice about being careful with WH's new solicitor. I'm also thinking that at least a consultation with a solicitor in Ireland might be a good idea as well. Make sure you have all the bases covered.

I'm still here and thinking about you and the girls!!! Hang in there and keep visiting here for support!!

Mindshare

If you need any help there tully. Just say the word.

Tully, I'm deeply sad that your WH has chosen this path. After the nightmare of betrayal, this is truly an insult. The karma bus will eventually hit him, rest assured. In the meantime, this has left the MB arena and turned into a war. Better arm up.

Clearly, he's latching on to the only aspect of this situation where he can see himself as the injured party, and a 'hero' to his daughters and his parents. This takes you into much deeper waters, and a much uglier fight.

How will the money thing work? Strikes me that, getting in with a militant group as he has (frankly, it didn't take long to work out who your 'mediator' is and who he's affiliated to), your WH is getting ready for an expensive legal battle. Is it possible that this organisation will help fund him? You mentioned that your joint savings were dwindling. If you need to employ expensive solicitors yourself, how will you finance that if he cuts off your money supply?

It also seems to me that the longer you draw out this process, the more reluctant any court would be to take the girls out of an environment where they're settled. So, although you may want to get this pain over with quickly, it might be in your interests to drag it out.

{{{Tully}}}

TA

I think I still haven't realised what's going on with WH. All I know is that he believes that he was mildly wrong to have had the A (wrong in the sense that cheating on your taxes is wrong: not a good thing to do but relatively understandable to most people) but his responsibility remains there. All the other bad things he did are forgotten, justified or brushed aside like spending a full week in a hotel with her AFTER he agreed to reconstruct our M, hitting me because I shouted and woke one of the girls, telling me that he would continue to be dishonest with me about contact with her, his refusal to consider my feelings, his insistance that I deal with this obnoxious mediation who threated me, deformed my words and misinformed me on certain key issues.

BTW, I have no problem with naming the 'mediator' who telephoned me but I will try to disguise his name so that if ever he googles his name that this thread doesn't show up. I don't want to give either WH or him any ammunition against me if they deform my words from this public forum as they might very likely do. His name is Ja£que$ Co//eau of S0S P@pa. Most of the documents on the web on them are in French. He was a truely obnoxious individual with an agenda that he wanted to force on me which is totally not the way a mediator behaves. He even deformed facts, claiming that Marcel Ruf0, a very well respected French child psychologist said that shared custody is in the children's best interests when his real opinion is not that at all.


From his emails WH thinks he is a reasonable man when he says things like

In this last exerpt he clearly says that he was not willing to do whatever it took to break contact with her but the fact that we cannot agree on this issue means that I am the 'uncompromising' one, not him. He is 'very reasonable indeed'. This kind of attitude is what has killed my love for him, not the A itself.
And yet he now believes that I am far more wrong than he ever was for several reasons:
- I took his children away from him without his permission.
- I involved the children in this problem by telling them about the A when they would have been much better off not knowing anything.
- I refused to talk to him for months after I left when he was trying to achieve a compromise through discussion.
- I insist on speaking to and through solicitors when he is proposing a much more 'intelligent', reasonable and less costly option which is mediation.

Not only has he convinced himself of all this but he manages to be very convincing with others. He talks calmly and logically (never mind that once you scratch the surface there is no logic there at all) and to all of those who know him he has always been an intelligent, logical person. They often don't see that he is now going against the basic principles of his scientific training; he is starting out with the conclusion and forcing all the contributing facts to fit with that conclusion no matter what distortion that takes. This approach is anathema to any ethical scientist but he is doing it now. I, on the other hand, have been emotional about all this, breaking down in tears and allowing my hurt and anger to show through. This is changing though. I am calmer now because I don't care about him anymore and also because I believe in myself more. I see myself as being of value. I know I have a lot to give to my children and my family and maybe one day to another man who will appreciate me for who I am. But if I don't meet that someone else that's OK too.

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

Tully xxx

I'm adding my sympathy and support to that of others here, tully.

"Hero" fathers in our country who join militant groups have been known to dress up as super heroes and stage publicity stunts. WH will probably be wearing a Superman costume the next time he picks up the girls.

It just seems so unlikely that a court will order the return of the children to France, and effectively order you either to live there with them, in a foreign country after your marriage broke up due to adultery (i.e. his fault), or to let them go without you. I think that the group supporting him does not think he will win, but will welcome any publicity that they can use to show how badly fathers are treated. He, however, wants to win (of course), and is throwing family money away on this lost cause. He is not going to win but he is going to use money that should go to the children in pursuing this nonsense.

I think many people would agree with the principle of joint custody in the children's best interest (other factors being equal; e.g neither parent is abusive). Your WH obviously thought this was a given because he and his OW had worked out a joint custody solution long before you knew about the affair. I remember he proposed keeping the children in the house while you and the happy couple alternated living in it. It seems to me that WH had mentally left this marriage before D day.

However, when he chose his affair, he did not take into consideration that you might be disinclined to facilitate his new lifestyle by living in relative isolation in France, with no marriage or family, so that you could child mind for him on the weeks that he did not have the children. If he believed so much in doing what was right for the children, then choosing not to have an affair would have been a good place to start.

It's a pity you cannot separate your finances so that he can throw his own money away as he likes without hurting you and the children. Did your solicitor recommend filing for divorce partly in order for you to protect yourself from this?

I suspect that WH wants this to look like simply an unfortunate marital breakdown due to irreconcilable differences. The more routine and run of the mill the breakdown, the more irrational and spiteful your behaviour of punishing him and hurting the kids will seem. The more people know of his affair conduct, the more understanding they will have of your plight. He cannot go public with the relationship yet, I suspect. I wonder if his militant groups knows that he had the affair.

..anytime.

Hello everyone (I replied by email to you, Sugar. Thanks for your insights as always!)
I haven't been around lately as I've been so busy. The cake and scone business is taking off (well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration but it's keeping us busy and in demand. I did my first birthday cake this weekend.) Also I encountered a couple of problems with the house we are supposed to move into but hopefully these are sorted and we can move within the next week or 10 days as planned.

I spoke to my solicitor yesterday and she said that having spoken to WH's ex solicitor (who is a friend of hers) and knowing the new solicitor WH has chosen she is very worried that WH and him might be planning something. She said that this fathers' rights' organisation is not just pro-fathers but anti-women. She urged me yet again to proceed to D asap and said that attack is the best form of defence. All the documents are with her but she now has to send the me papers to sign before I send them back. I am ready to not be in this M anymore. I now believe that it might be the best thing for me even if I'm not sure at all if that's the case for the girls. In any case I don't have to feel guilty as I don't have the choice.

All the best

Tully

Jeeze, Tully,

I am so sorry that it has come to this point.

At least you have some insight as to WH motives.

Funny thing is, WH probably believes you have no idea of the type of people you are dealing with. I am glad that your solicitor is wise to these type of groups.

Good Lord! Keep us posetd (I typed pisted!-- )

Nancy

I'm glad you have a solicitor like that on your side.

Maybe I'm confused. Hadn't WH been presented with LSA paperwork? Did he respond? Has WH's solicitor said anything about WH filing for D? I can see pros and cons to who files first. Not sure if it's like here in the states where the other party has a specific time frame to respond to the complaint, but it would be ideal if WH filed and then you could respond with a scathing response that might just slap some of stupidity out of his brain. But do what you have to do to protect yourself and your girls tully. Even if you file first do you still have opportunity to document all of WH's screw up behavior? Can you respond to a response?

Hi B_R, sorry for not replying earlier. I'm not sure if I can reply to all your questions as I'm not very sure of the procedures.

Firstly, a LSA was sent to WH's solicitor but as he changed solicitor around that time he didn't get it immediately. In fact he sent me an email saying that it was not included in the file passed by his old solicitor to the new one. I queried that with my solicitor who said that she would speak to both of the solicitors and sort out the problem. I haven't heard anything since then.
The first document was make a proposition for a mutually agreed legal separation but this latest document which my solicitor is very keen to sent on asap is 'a request for divorce' which is a more formal document and does not necessarily require mutual agreement. What I have understood is that once the papers are served, we will then recieve a court date approx 2 months from now where we will appear in front of a judge for 'an attempt at reconciliation'. The judge listens to us both separately and then decides whether or not there is a possibility of reconciliation. If she decides there is not then she will call in the two solicitors and listen to their propositions/requests with regard to custody, finances etc and will make a decision which will apply until the final divorce proceedings which will take place approx 6 to 10 months later. (The sale of common property might delay things.)

I have very little hope of slapping any stupidity out of his brain. He is so dogged in his thinking that he refuses to question his own actions in this whole thing no matter what anyone says. He is determined to believe that I am entirely at wrong here and that his initial fault was slight and has since been completely swamped by my actions since then. :RollieEyes: If he stays lost in the fog forever, I don't care anymore.

Hmmmm. That sounds different than the divorce laws I've read here. During that 2 month window between service and court, is WH's access to the girls limited to visit in Ireland or whatever you allow at this point? What does you solicitor say about giving him visitation until court?

How are the girls adjusting and how are you?

WH took the girls back to France yesterday without my knowledge or permission. His parents are in our house in France and are planning to mind the children while WH is at work.

I am going there tomorrow on the advice on my solicitor. She will try to speed up the court proceedings.

How did I end up here?

I knew this would happen....I am so sorry tully.

How did he get the girls out of the country without there passports?

I'm very sorry.

How did he get their passports?