This is an exersize that you need to do on your own. Post the letter here for feedback and then present it to your husband for approval. Your husband is to seal and mail this letter to insure that it went out. Does this make sense?



It's time you get your priorities in order here.

Your last affair happened in the gym, right? Is this the same gym you still train at? If it is...... It's time to leave!

For your marriage to be a success, you need to be passionate about your marriage, not about the gym.

You need to change your entire focus!

You have been treating your marriage like a hobby and investing all of you into what really is a hobby.

Your worried about teaching childrens cardio, and your marriage is barely funtioning on life support. The heart of your marriage has been dead and may have a chance to be revived, but you are already complaining about not giving up the one thing that led to your last affair.

Have you been able to read Dr. Harley's books yet?
"Surviving An Affair" and
"His Need's, Her Need's" and
"Falling In Love, Staying In Love"

I recommend them in that order.

No no...this is all getting confused here. I only train 1hr a day at the gym and that is during my lunch hour. When I get ready to compete, that's when it becomes 3hrs a day for 16 wks. I have chosen to forfeit contest this year. That was decision I made on my own in order to work on the marriage.

Don't worry about SF. I'll be all over him tonight. I just didn't feel as well as I do now this morning.

I feel like I can't say anything right sometimes. It's hard to see the whole scope of someone when they're only putting a brief description of their life here and their spouse refuses to post.

I forgot to add that I got him a very heartfelt card with his favorite candy on Valentine's Day. I also got the kids cards and candy from us. I also didn't add that he brought out a bottle of champagne that the realtor gave he and his xOMW when they were going to sell our house, for us to drink last night. I wasn't feelin' it. Was I wrong?

Tomorrow I will be doing things indoors with the kids since it will be cold and rainy. He isn't an involved dad and I love to do things with them, so that's no biggie. He can call me anytime he wants and can meet me wherever I am. I don't mind. If he wants text pics, no problem. I don't have anything to hide.

It's not getting confusing at all. I understood all this 3 hrs/1hr stuff already.

Did you miss my other post?

How are things going, Sparky?

Bumping for Sparky

I'm here!! Been off of the board for a while to get centered at home and concentrate on the fellas (Spartan and the little ones) as well as my health. I finally got some antibiotics and am feeling much better.

Sparty was gone over the weekend and it was just the boys and I. I went through the house like a white tornado and cleaned like I used to do prior to the affairs. When he got home, the house was sparking clean, with lit candles and pretty orchids sprinkled about the house. All of the laundry was done and his clothes were hung and ready for him. I also got him a few treats from the grocery store and he really liked that. Took the kids out to an indoor playscape (like Chuck E. Cheese on steroids) and had a BLAST!! They were so well behaved the whole weekened....they made mama proud! When Spartan got home, he was very, very happy. I wanted to finish things off with SF but my IUD is causing me some very serious problems. I'm under a doctor's care for that right now.

I also got all of our finances in order and have a "bailout plan" in the works for us. I have made sacrifices to help the plan along. I asked Spartan if he would be willing to surrender his motorcycle (it was bought 3 years ago without me knowing) because the payment is hard for us to make, but he declined.

We're closing in on coming up with a treatment program for our oldest son. After 4 years of counseling, she feels that he is either OCD (like me) or ADD. We've filled out numerous amounts of paperwork between his counselor, school and pediatrician and I've done extensive research and reading on my own to help solve the puzzle. My current read is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene, Ph.D. It's become my bible for working with him and getting through his rigidity. He goes in Mon. for a trial on medication. I'm resolute with that because I know that it won't be a forever thing.

Spartan and I will be going on a date somewhere this weekend. Not sure where but it will depend on how I am feeling. I'm so tired from the excessive bleeding. I would also like to do something as a family.

Counseling is going well but we need to find a sitter so that we can both go together. That's been a problem and my parents won't help.

In any case, we're doing ok (other than being a little short on cash). We haven't been to church in several weeks and I can feel that I am missing Christ in my life. My connection is weak and that isn't good. I've set aside time to read the bible tonight and would like to do that together with Spartan if he is willing.

I've ordered "His Needs Her Needs". Should be here next week sometime.

I'm glad you're here and absolutely understand why you've been away, Sparkalina. It's nice to read you were able to get some things accomplished around your house and spend time with you family.

It sounds like you're putting a lot of effort into everyone you love around you. It also sounds like you may be running yourself into the ground. Please be sure to also take care of yourself.

Thanks, Looking4.

I've been bleeding pretty heavily for 2wks with some intense abdominal and lower back pain. When I do too much physical activity, I'll start bleeding more. I get bloodwork done tomorrow morning and will then go in for a follow up next week. My IUD may be imbedded or partially expelled. I hope we aren't having a miscarriage.

Spartan and I are going on a date tonight! Not sure where we'll eat but even if it is Taco Bell I'll be happy. Simple is always better. I get off an hour early today so I'll get the kids and vacuum before the sitter comes. I'll have just enough time to fix my hair and freshen up a bit before Spartan comes home.

I got a finned boyfriend at lunch today to keep me company here at work. He's a beautiful light orange colored Betta named Mad Max. My cube neighbor said that he looks like a pissed off goldfish, so that's what we all named him.

Glad to see you back, Sparklemeister! Sorry to hear about your health issues though...Hope all goes well...

LOL @ your ticked off goldfish, "Mad Max"...Our dd also has a Betta...His name? "Alpha Betta"...

Mrs. W

I'm no doctor, but I'd get your 8-year-old to vacuum. Ya, it may not end up being the most thorough job, but he should be able to get the big stuff. I say this because you should rest if you can considering all that's happening. You should take your time getting ready for your date night, and why not get the kids to do something for you and for their house?

My son has been vacuuming over a year now and while I have to sometimes follow up his work, it's definitely fine in a pinch. I know you want the house to look great, Sparky, but you being healthy in the overall scheme of things, and you being comfortable for your alone time with your hubby tonight are more important.

I look forward to hearing how it goes.

Enjoy!

-L4

Oh that's cute! We have a girl Betta at home that the boys named, "Swishy". They can eat meat, did you know that? I feed mine by hand....they've had tuna, turkey, chicken, shark, steak, boiled egg whites and sugar snap peas. Aggressive little critters!!

Thanks for your warm concerns. I'll be ok once I find out what's going on. Not knowing is the worst. Not to mention that it's uncomfortable.

DS1 goes in on Monday for his medication assesment. Can't say that I'm not nervous about that. I don't want him to lose the essence of who he is. I hope that makes sense. I love him exactly the way that he was made. I guess that's just part of being a mom........constant worry out of love!

Spartan and I went out for dinner on Friday night and walked around downtown for a few hours and then on Sat. I planned to have us go to a local aquarium as a family. We had a really cool time petting the rays and sharks in the touch pool. The sharks are so relaxed and docile! I wanted to take one home....they're so cute and soft!!

In any case, I sent my girlfriend in MN some pics of the fish and also got some calls from my other girlfriend in town because she's going through a really rough time and is an emotional mess. Spartan started to feel insecure about the phone and I pleaded with him to read my messages, check the numbers and answer the phone but he declined. How do I work with this when I've got nothing to hide and am offering but he won't look? I don't have a myriad of friends (just a few close ones) and he knows them all. They've even offered to reassure him but he doesn't want to talk about it.

Yesterday we went to church and DS2 cuddled with me the whole time during worship. After that, we went home and did the normal Sunday routine of laundry, coupon clipping and grocery shopping to get ready for the week. While I was at the grocery store, I saw our neighbor from down the street and she and I talked for a while about the kids (our sons are in the same class) and what's in store for them for 4th grade. When I got home, I told Spartan that I saw her and offered to have him call her to verify. He got angry with that and rolled his eyes at me. He's been doing that a lot lately.

Today is DS1's appointment and I'll be taking him. I'm also going to check into Karate classes for the boys because they've been wanting to get involved. I think it would be good for us as a family and as a couple. As they're in class, we could have a little couple's time while we watch them practice and learn.

I'm going to do some reading in my bible today and place our marriage at the foot of the cross.

mute

"Spartan started to feel insecure about the phone and I pleaded with him to read my messages, check the numbers and answer the phone but he declined."

When you answer your phone do you just say hello or do you mention your friends name so your BH knows who called?

Example, hello, blah, blah. Which means WW is keeping me in the dark it can be an OM. Or hello Mary, blah, blah. BH knows who you are talking to.

"When I got home, I told Spartan that I saw her and offered to have him call her to verify. He got angry with that and rolled his eyes at me."

You should ask BH to go shopping, you should take a child with you when BH can't go so BH knows you won't be with an OM if you have your kid there. Kid not available, mom, sister.

You can also leave your phone laying out in the open when at home.

Does BH have email, IM, and text passwords?

Hi Road,

Acutally, I'm one of those people who addresses my girlfriends as "sweetie" or "sugar" on the phone. Have for years but when he asks who's on the phone, I tell him and pull the phone away from my ear so he can see the picture and phone number. The volume is also fairly loud so he can hear the conversation.

He couldn't go shopping with me because he was taking apart a friend's motorcycle in the garage. I didn't even think to take the boys with me because they were enjoying their time on the X-Box playing Lego Batman. That's a weekend treat for them. I'll take one of them next time.

Since we don't have a house phone, my cell is always out in the open. His too.

I send e-mails from our home address and only have a Yahoo account as a junk collector. He has that password. I don't IM or have passwords for my phone. I manage a MySpace account for a Christian band called High Flight Society (I'm the LA street team leader) and he has the password for that as well. I do all of the maintenance on that on his computer so he can track all history. The only thing I use my computer for is downloading MP3's. For the most part, DS2 uses my computer for Nickelodeon and Cartoonnetwork sites. I do all the rest of my surfing on Spartan's PC for transparency and he gets annoyed with that.

Footnote to last post.

I am doing everything that I can to build our marriage into an empire of love and support but I don't feel reciprocation from BH.

Before church, I got up early and watered all of the orchids and plants, emptied the dishwasher and got the kids ready (while BH slept in) and when he got up, I asked if he could please clean a spot on the carpet where the cat yacked. His response to me in front of the boys was, "Why do I have to do it?"

I asked him when he would be willing to read some of the articles on here or some of the books in order to work with me on the marriage and his reply was, "I don't have time. I have to work to make money for us." I understand that, but I also work full time and do all of the upkeep on the house. I FIND time to read because it's important to me.

mute

"I'm one of those people who addresses my girlfriends as "sweetie" or "sugar" on the phone. Have for years but when he asks who's on the phone"

Yes and your one of the people that miss the point. You are a WW. You broke your BH's trust. Yet when shown a way for you to keep your BH from triggering when you are on the phone. You just say that's how I roll when I answer the phone.

It does not matter if this is the way since you answered the phone since you were a teenager, during the affair, or since D day.

Instead of making excuses and justifying how you ansewr the phone you need to say hello mary, hello mom.

Why do you insist that you should not change how you answer the phone?

You must not be sincere in preventing your BH from triggering when you get on the phone.

It is not the way that I answer the phone, but rather the amount of phone calls. All conversations are held in front of him (even if they're about he and I). I don't run off and hide.

When I was having an A, I would keep the phone on silent and wouldn't answer it in front of him. THAT would certainly be a trigger for him.

I get it.

You are 2 months into NC and you are whining because you don't feel reciprocation from BH?

You're kidding, right?

These phone calls trigger him.

Why can't you identify the person by including their name in the your greeting?

Why must you make your BH ask?

Why do you refuse to change the way you use the phone so your BH triggers less?

Is this you being passive agressive with your phone?

Tweaking your BH's nerves because you know the phone upsets him?

Why can't you reasure your BH?

Why can't you identify the caller without having to be obvious and shove the phone in your BH's face?

Every time you put your phone in your BH's face your actions are saying see I'm not talking to the OM.

Why do you have to get in your BH's face to say I'm not cheating?

Would it not be easier for you to innocently include the callers name in your greeting so you BH can save some face and not have to appear that he is checking up on you.

No, I'm not kidding. We're Christians and our pastor has told he and I not to sin in our anger through this process.