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Not that a poly is suddenly going to make all of this disappear, but it does take some of the "what ifs" from the BS and your H should be able to let go of some of the worry that another d-day is coming.
There is nothing on earth that is worse than living in constant fear (as your H did for 10 months) that another d-day is coming.
Especially when you know in your gut that something is not right.
I believe I posted to you a long time ago and told you to dump it all, I could tell you weren't telling the truth.
What a shame you didn't take that advice...you have really mucked up this recovery.
What is your H's screenname around here? I really did "muck" up the recovery. And now I am trying to follow the right path. Yes, you did tell me to dump everything. Many of you vets did but I didn't listen. I was selfish. My H's screen-name is goldpig22. Yep, you did and now you have MORE work to do than you would have for trying to do it "your way". Are you ready to listen to us now?
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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Take the poly ASAP. It helped me a ton. But why did it help you a ton? This is what I don't understand about the poly. I am not trying to make excuses at all about the poly, I will take one but you hear so much about how they are inaccurate or inconclusive. And, in your situation, did your spouse take the poly and pass and you just looked at them and said... "okay, now I trust you" and that was it? I just think, and I am sure that this is selfish, that even if I have the poly, he won't believe the results and he will convince himself that I tricked the poly to pass. You cannot trick an ENTIRE poly...you might be able to trick one or two questions, but even that isn't that easy. My H has needed polys for his job, we know they are fairly accurate. He passed the poly with no problems. It was HIS idea and that made a huge impact on me. Make it YOUR idea to show some good faith. Yes, you are being selfish. Take the d*mn poly and quit making excuses. I am NOT making excuses... I just wanted to know why it helped so much?????? Everyone preaches that a poly is the only way to go to find honesty but no one states WHY. I just wanted to know why and if they do help in the BS mind. After your H took it, even though he passed, did you still wonder or question if he was being truthful or honest?
WW - 31 (me)
BH - 33
A 2/8/08-3/26/08
NC 4/21/08
DDay #1 - 4/21/08, DDay #2 - 4/25/08,
DDay #3 - 3/2/09, DDay #4 - 3/3/09
Final DDay - 4/21/09
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of our faults.
I Peter 4:8
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Lindz,
You are still talking fog-babble!!! Wake up!! Your BH is in extreme pain. You are approaching the topic of the poly on what it will do for you!! You say you are willing to take it but you question if it will help?!?! Just take the darn poly and show your husband that you are willing to prove your honesty. Most people believe that poly's are pretty accurate. Your BH's instincts are also good. It will take the poly coupled with your radical honesty moving forward to get you BH to start trusting. Even if you pass the poly he will still be worried that you will lie tomorrow or next week or next month. You are a proven liar!!! The only thing that will help that is the passage of time and you being completely honest about everything ALL of the time. His instincts will know if you are telling the truth and over a long period of time trust can be restored. But it will take a long time and alot of hard work. You made the decision to destroy your BH's trust....you need to do the hard work to restore it.
Get to work!!
Mindshare
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I am NOT making excuses... I just wanted to know why it helped so much?????? Everyone preaches that a poly is the only way to go to find honesty but no one states WHY. I just wanted to know why and if they do help in the BS mind. After your H took it, even though he passed, did you still wonder or question if he was being truthful or honest? You're MISSING the point ... quit being so defensive ... it makes you look deceptive. You see ... we BH's have learned the hard way that when it comes to WW's ... WORDS are meaningless ... ACTIONS are everything. To goldpig22, the results of the poly are not as important as YOUR potential ACTIONS of agreeing to and sitting for the poly of your own free will. It is the ACTION that will speak volumes to him, because your WORDS have proven to be meaningless.
Last edited by MyRevelation; 03/03/09 11:33 AM.
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Lindz,
You are still talking fog-babble!!! Wake up!! Your BH is in extreme pain. You are approaching the topic of the poly on what it will do for you!! You say you are willing to take it but you question if it will help?!?! Just take the darn poly and show your husband that you are willing to prove your honesty. Most people believe that poly's are pretty accurate. Your BH's instincts are also good. It will take the poly coupled with your radical honesty moving forward to get you BH to start trusting. Even if you pass the poly he will still be worried that you will lie tomorrow or next week or next month. You are a proven liar!!! The only thing that will help that is the passage of time and you being completely honest about everything ALL of the time. His instincts will know if you are telling the truth and over a long period of time trust can be restored. But it will take a long time and alot of hard work. You made the decision to destroy your BH's trust....you need to do the hard work to restore it.
Get to work!!
I appreciate the comment about how he will still be worried about lies tomorrow, the next day, etc. Yes, I am a proven liar and now have to prove that I am not. I don't think that questioning if it will help or not is worrying about what it will do for me. It was a question for you vets to answer on how it helps and why. Thank you for attempting to answer that for me.
Mindshare
WW - 31 (me)
BH - 33
A 2/8/08-3/26/08
NC 4/21/08
DDay #1 - 4/21/08, DDay #2 - 4/25/08,
DDay #3 - 3/2/09, DDay #4 - 3/3/09
Final DDay - 4/21/09
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of our faults.
I Peter 4:8
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I am NOT making excuses... I just wanted to know why it helped so much?????? Everyone preaches that a poly is the only way to go to find honesty but no one states WHY. I just wanted to know why and if they do help in the BS mind. Here is WHY, quoted from above: but it does take some of the "what ifs" from the BS and your H should be able to let go of some of the worry that another d-day is coming. Like I said, there is really nothing worse than knowing another d-day is coming...because in our gut, we DO know it. This may help your H to re-engage with you a bit more without that tension hanging over his head. After your H took it, even though he passed, did you still wonder or question if he was being truthful or honest? Not about the questions that were asked...I stayed on one topic (the best way to get the most accurate reading), and now I know that I know the truth about THAT topic.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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You are definitely right about my words being meaningless. I think that is proven by the lying. Isn't it the old saying... "actions speak louder then words." Sorry about being defensive. I don't want to seem deceptive because I am not trying to be. I am just trying to understand all of the information.
lindz0225
WW - 31 (me)
BH - 33
A 2/8/08-3/26/08
NC 4/21/08
DDay #1 - 4/21/08, DDay #2 - 4/25/08,
DDay #3 - 3/2/09, DDay #4 - 3/3/09
Final DDay - 4/21/09
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of our faults.
I Peter 4:8
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I am NOT making excuses... I just wanted to know why it helped so much?????? Everyone preaches that a poly is the only way to go to find honesty but no one states WHY. I just wanted to know why and if they do help in the BS mind. Here is WHY, quoted from above: but it does take some of the "what ifs" from the BS and your H should be able to let go of some of the worry that another d-day is coming. Like I said, there is really nothing worse than knowing another d-day is coming...because in our gut, we DO know it. This may help your H to re-engage with you a bit more without that tension hanging over his head. After your H took it, even though he passed, did you still wonder or question if he was being truthful or honest? Not about the questions that were asked...I stayed on one topic (the best way to get the most accurate reading), and now I know that I know the truth about THAT topic. Thank you. I appreciate it. that helped to have it broken up like that.
WW - 31 (me)
BH - 33
A 2/8/08-3/26/08
NC 4/21/08
DDay #1 - 4/21/08, DDay #2 - 4/25/08,
DDay #3 - 3/2/09, DDay #4 - 3/3/09
Final DDay - 4/21/09
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of our faults.
I Peter 4:8
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lindz
"I would like the baby to be born first, then have the paternity. Having an amniocentesis to prove paternity puts unneeded risk onto the baby."
I agree there is know need to risk harm to the baby.
Though one big way to help rebuild the trust you broke is to make arrangements for the paternity DNA test to be done the day of the birth. You must arrange this with your doctor prior to you going to the hospital to deliver. This will show your BH that you are not trying to hide any thing but for the truth to be told.
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Though one big way to help rebuild the trust you broke is to make arrangements for the paternity DNA test to be done the day of the birth. You must arrange this with your doctor prior to you going to the hospital to deliver. This will show your BH that you are not trying to hide any thing but for the truth to be told. This is a GREAT idea...have that all set up so that you do not have to worry about it. You can have peace that the truth will come out when the results come back, and your H can have peace that he will know the truth shortly, AND that you are actively working on helping him to feel safe and that you are telling the truth.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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lindz
"I would like the baby to be born first, then have the paternity. Having an amniocentesis to prove paternity puts unneeded risk onto the baby."
I agree there is know need to risk harm to the baby.
Though one big way to help rebuild the trust you broke is to make arrangements for the paternity DNA test to be done the day of the birth. You must arrange this with your doctor prior to you going to the hospital to deliver. This will show your BH that you are not trying to hide any thing but for the truth to be told. Thanks for the info. I didn't know that you have to pre-arrange for something like that to be done. I just figured that since he will be there and baby is coming, well, draw some blood and have it done. Thanks for letting me know.
WW - 31 (me)
BH - 33
A 2/8/08-3/26/08
NC 4/21/08
DDay #1 - 4/21/08, DDay #2 - 4/25/08,
DDay #3 - 3/2/09, DDay #4 - 3/3/09
Final DDay - 4/21/09
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of our faults.
I Peter 4:8
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I'm going to echo what others have said here. Take the poly. Be proactive. If you had come clean with every detail from day one, then perhaps the poly wouldn't be necessary at this point. But by continuing to lie and deceive, you have only proven that you are not to be trusted so it has come to this.
When I busted my H, he told me that he was looking for "belief, trust, forgiveness". At the time it sounded good, but I realize he had it somewhat backwards. Trust is the last thing to come in that equation and it never comes if belief isn't there. I had to pull details out of my husband bit-by-bit and to this day, I'm not sure I've got it all. The fact that he's still so protective of his privacy, DESPITE the fact that I've never found anything to prove that he was still sneaking around, will be what finally propels me to file for D.
That's how serious the "belief" factor is.
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During the poly you will be asked certain questions, the machine will record certain involuntary reactions that you give during your answers. If you lie, it will show, if you are honest it will show. If you tell the truth the polygraph will back that up. This will give your husband some proof that you are telling the truth about the questions asked and that you are not lying to him. This will help put his mind to rest on weather you are telling the truth about the past. It will not prove you want lie in the future. That must be proven over time. I KNOW he is the father but I need him to know that he is the father. How do you know this? And what if he is not?
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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During the poly you will be asked certain questions, the machine will record certain involuntary reactions that you give during your answers. If you lie, it will show, if you are honest it will show. If you tell the truth the polygraph will back that up. This will give your husband some proof that you are telling the truth about the questions asked and that you are not lying to him. This will help put his mind to rest on weather you are telling the truth about the past. It will not prove you want lie in the future. That must be proven over time. I KNOW he is the father but I need him to know that he is the father. How do you know this? And what if he is not? How do I know this... because I had NC with the OM as of 4/21/08. I had NC physically with the OM as of 2/28/08. I got pregnant in 8/08. I know that my husband is the father. Thank you for telling me what happens when you take the test. I have never been informed.
WW - 31 (me)
BH - 33
A 2/8/08-3/26/08
NC 4/21/08
DDay #1 - 4/21/08, DDay #2 - 4/25/08,
DDay #3 - 3/2/09, DDay #4 - 3/3/09
Final DDay - 4/21/09
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of our faults.
I Peter 4:8
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[quote=turtlehead]I think it would help if you can figure out some ways to be "proactively" honest.
Find three places that will do a polygraph and give the info to your H. Tell him you'll willingly take a polygraph, these are a few possibilities, and you'll take the poly from anyone he chooses.
Keep him informed as to your whereabouts at all times. Let him know when you leave the house, when you arrive at your destination, when you leave to return home. Call him if you're stuck in traffic or held up in a long line running errands.
Offer to put a GPS on your car that can track your movements for his review.
Install a key logger on your PC and have the reports emailed to him.
[/quote
Just talked to H about GPS and key logger. He says we have a key logger already. I didn't know. I am glad that he can look at all of the places I have visited on the internet.
WW - 31 (me)
BH - 33
A 2/8/08-3/26/08
NC 4/21/08
DDay #1 - 4/21/08, DDay #2 - 4/25/08,
DDay #3 - 3/2/09, DDay #4 - 3/3/09
Final DDay - 4/21/09
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of our faults.
I Peter 4:8
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How do I know this... because I had NC with the OM as of 4/21/08. I had NC physically with the OM as of 2/28/08. I got pregnant in 8/08. I know that my husband is the father. Fair enough, but do a DNA test anyway. Thank you for telling me what happens when you take the test. I have never been informed. Basic definition of a poly A polygraph (popularly referred to as a lie detector) is an instrument that measures and records several physiological responses such as blood pressure, pulse, respiration breathing rhythms body temperature and skin conductivity while the subject is asked and answers a series of questions, on the theory that false answers will produce distinctive measurements. The polygraph measures physiological changes caused by the sympathetic nervous system during questioning. Within the US federal government, a polygraph examination is also referred to as a psychophysiological detection of deception (PDD) examination.Just talked to H about GPS and key logger. He says we have a key logger already. I didn't know. I am glad that he can look at all of the places I have visited on the internet. A key logger does a bit more than just show your Internet history 
Last edited by Gack1; 03/03/09 12:15 PM.
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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Posts: 108
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What exactly does a key logger do?
WW - 31 (me)
BH - 33
A 2/8/08-3/26/08
NC 4/21/08
DDay #1 - 4/21/08, DDay #2 - 4/25/08,
DDay #3 - 3/2/09, DDay #4 - 3/3/09
Final DDay - 4/21/09
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of our faults.
I Peter 4:8
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Posts: 2,965
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Records every key stroke and command and takes and stores screenshots.
Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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"How do I know this... because I had NC with the OM as of 4/21/08. I had NC physically with the OM as of 2/28/08. I got pregnant in 8/08. I know that my husband is the father."
Your BH does not know what to believe. The DNA test is not to remove your doubts. Obivous you have no reason to. Your BH has every reason to doubt.
Keylogger is a program that will record what was done on the computer. A BS can find out if a WS has secret emails to contact OP, if WS joined dating sites. The BS can verify that no affair is going on.
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thanks for the info about the key logger. I have never heard of it until coming to MB.
You are right about my H doubting... he has every right to doubt everything.
lindz0225
Me-WW (31)
H -BH (32)
PA 2/8/08-2/28/08
EA 2/8/08-4-21-08
D-day #1 4/21/08
D-day #2 3/2/09
WW - 31 (me)
BH - 33
A 2/8/08-3/26/08
NC 4/21/08
DDay #1 - 4/21/08, DDay #2 - 4/25/08,
DDay #3 - 3/2/09, DDay #4 - 3/3/09
Final DDay - 4/21/09
Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love makes up for many of our faults.
I Peter 4:8
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