Your marriage is more likely to end if you continue to do nothing. Affairs thrive on secrecy and you are ENABLING THE SECRECY.


What you tell them is that your H is having an adulterous affair with XYZ that has been going on for ____ months/years. Ask for their ADVICE. Do these exposures all on the same day so he cannot pre-empt you.

Exposure targets should be the OW's H, parents, his parents, your parents, your children, employer if a workplace affair, close friends and family.


Then I would find out who she is by checking his phone records, doing a reverse phone check, following him, snooping on his computer, or hiring a PI. Counseling is a complete waste of time when your spouse is in affair. The purpose of counseling is RECOVERY. Recovery is impossible while your H is in an affair.

First off, I would FIND OUT who the OW is today. Once you have her name, you can find out if she is married, etc via intelius.com.

Here is my .02.

a. No hootchy, no cootchy until STD test (for you and your WH. Remember he could have gotten the "yick" AND the cure last year-- that means YOU would still be at risk. So do not trust if he brings you a "clean" test-- you need a test, too. And, frankly- condoms help but do not mean 100% safety from STD.

for your children, protect yourself.

b. Plan A your WH-- Read here the details, of plan A-- but mostly do not LB him, if you can help it.
--Plan A does not men that you kiss his buns. You need to put your BOUNDRIES in order.

c. He needs to come clean about who the gal is. You can snoop or he can fess- but that is the most important thing to you today. He must understand that at some point, he has to be transparent IF HE WANTS YOU.

d. You must expose. To her family-- and yours. You need the support, and your WH will need the support of these people, too. If they love you, they will understand what you are trying to do. Exposure is like LIGHT on a COCKROACH (living in Hawaii) the light (truth) will make 'em (the deciet and lies) scatter.

e. You have about 6 weeks of plan A. When you feel that plan A is withdrawing your "love bank" too much- move to plan B.
There is no point in worrying about plan b today. You just found out. You have time to learn about plan be later.

f. Way to go, girl on the debt. I admire you for taking control.

by the way, was your WH a good H before the affair? He needs to read "surviving an affair".

By the way- he will be REALLY FOGGY (that means in the short form--full of shi8) for quite awhile. He will also have withdrawl from the OW. Once his head clears he will hopefully return to the marriage. That is why you need boundries.

Here is the truth. He needs to tow the line for your marriage. He probably will not be able to do this now, but HE has to change his behaviors/thinkings to make this union work.

No matter HOW much you love him or want to be together as a family, you can not make this happen, or force him to be a real husband/man. You sound like a classic "giver". That is the role of "mom" IMHO.
You can't "give" yourself to a marriage that is not equal. I am glad you are here, there is great advice. This is a long journey, it is going to take YEARS to walk through. But I bet you can do it.