I have never posted to any forum but I desparately need help and advice. Sorry that the story is so long, but to understand what my situation is, I need to tell whole story.

I've been married for 20 years. I have a 19 year old son still at home and my husband and I both work at a major hospital in the south. I am a nurse and he works in another building in a supervisory capacity. We never even see each other at work.

About 1 1/2 years ago, I found a number of text messages and phone calls on his cell records which I traced to a 31 year old woman that he works with (he is 49 years old). I confronted him and he said that they were just talking but had never had sex. He promised to break it off.

Over the last year and a half, we have not had sex. We are both very busy with our jobs, and stay pretty stressed out. I stupidly just believed that it was due to that and the fact that he was aging that he had lost interest in me that way. The odd thing about all of this is that we have been like best friends the last year and a half. It's like he can't wait to get home to tell me about his day at work so we can talk things over. We can talk about anything except us and our marriage. Whenever that subject would come up it was like talking to a wall.

In December, I started pushing some of the issues like love and sex and asking questions about whether our love was what it should be. Of course, he never liked those conversations and had very little to say about anything that was meaningful.

At he beginning of February, he hit me with a real bombshell. He told me that he was not in love with me anymore, that our marriage had been troubled for years, that he need to be single for a while to "find himself" and that he wanted to "roll the dice with our marriage to find out if there was anything left. He refused to work on the marriage, refused marriage counselling, and said that he might want to date me later and that maybe we could start all over later on and eventually maybe even remarry.

He said that he had never gotten over the fact that I had an affair 10 years ago which I confessed to him a very long time ago and which I thought we had worked through.

He seemed to remember nothing about me or our marriage that was good even though it has been very good at times during the last 10 years.

I've been suspicious for a while because he is late coming home from work most nights and disappears on weekends for hours at a time. He totally denies having anyone else but I don't believe him. This same 31 year old woman recently called his phone without blocking the call as I think she usually does.

About a week after he said all these things, he came up to me one morning and wanted to talk. He told me that he thought we should paint and redecorate our bedroom, and one of our spare rooms which was full of expensive musical equipment and then clean out our attic which is a total disaster. His plan was to put everything in the spare room in storage, paint it, move our bedroom to the spare room, clean out the attic, and then lay a new floor and paint our bedroom. At that time, we would move back into our room. When I would ask "Why? you said you were leaving", he would say he had not made up his mind about what he wanted to do and was still thinking about things. He sent me to Home Depot for all of the supplies to do this project.

Later that week, I came home from my 12 hour shift at 8:00 at night, to find this spare room totally cleaned out. Everything was gone to storage.When I asked about it he reminded me that it was necessary to get this job done, to put some things in storage. When I asked about where the things were, he was evasive and kept leading me to believe that it was in a storage close to our home and that I could have a key.

In the mean time, if you ask him anything about what is going on, he says he is not really sure. He says we are separated, but living in the same house. But at he same time, he is very insistant that I cuddle up with him every night to sleep (which we have not done for a long, long time). He seems almost in a panic if he thinks I'm not going to snuggle up with hime to sleep. He has also had sex with me several times over the last 10 days.

Last week, I started taking a hard look at myself to see if I had been the kind of wife I should have been and I came to the conclusion that I have made many mistakes as a wife. One of his complaints has been that I do not allow him to be the head of our home and that I have not shown him enough respect. I realized that he was right so I asked God to show me where I needed to change and to help me do it. I guess we have sort of been in Plan A. Our marriage has seemed really good the last week and even he has noticed it but he still will not commit to staying in the marriage.

In addition to the above, I put a GPS tracker on his vehicle just because I am the kind of woman who just "needs to know" what is really going on.

I pulled the tracker yesterday. I found that he had made a trip to a condimimium on Thursday night and stayed for about an hour. He then went to the same condo on Saturday while he was supposed to be working and stayed for 3 hours. He went to the same condo on Sunday and stayed for 2 hours.

Last night, I confronted him about this without telling him how I knew the information (he thinks I had him followed). He denied that he was ever in that location and kept telling me I had gotten bad information. I then confronted him about the storage and why he had been so evasive about it and he was forced to admit that the things were in a storage way across town because a friend of his had extra room in his storage. When I asked him why he had misled me about it he said that he was irritated because I kept asking him about where it was and if I could have a key.

Last night, I felt like our conversation was full of bull, not meaningful, and dismissed my feelings about everything. He continued to lie about having an affair and seemed most interested in learning where I had gotten my information. I think he is protecting her because he is afraid that I will call HR and inform them about what is going on and that she could loose her job. Again last night, even after the horrible conversation we had, he insisted that I sleep next to him and even had sex with me again.

Here are my concerns. First of all, I love my husband very much, even though he has become a terrible liar because I remember the man I used to be married to. I definately want to save my marriage if I can. I don't understand what is going on. I don't understand why he hasn't left, why he insists that I sleep with him, why he suddenly wants sex again, why he insisted that we redecorate when we were supposedly separating, and why he lies to me constantly.

I don't know if he is playing me because he has a plan. He denies this, but it seems that I can't believe a word he says right now. We have a safe with about 25-30 guns that a worth a small fortune. Those are still there. I don't know whether to take some of them and hide them to keep him from getting what he considers "his" and is a big part of our community property. If I do take them, he will be so mad that I'm sure he will leave at that point and probably see an attourney. He will probably retaliate by cleaning out bank accounts, etc.

Do I continue to do Plan A as long as I can handle it because it seemed to be really working? Or do I go ahead and play hard ball to keep from getting hurt later? I realize that once he walks out that door, I can no longer show him how I am willing to change the things I need to change as a wife. I think our chances will then be very slim for any reconcilation. My 19 year old son wants to catch him in the act so that I will be able to make him admit what is really going on. I don't know whether to let him get this involved but he seems to think that if he catches his Dad cheating, that his dad may have enough shame that he will do the right thing.

You guys are really great and I appreciate any advice that you may have for me. I'm too emotionally close to the situation to be able to read it and I feel as if I am falling apart with grief.

Your story sounds all too familiar. He is definitely cheating and you know this in your heart. He is torn and feels guilty and can't make any sense right now. Put a recorder in his car. Is the OW married? You have to have solid proof to pry the truth out of him if he is like my WH. Plan A won't work until the infidelity is out in the open and full exposure has been done. Just get your proof and watch everything that he does. Do you work with this woman also? Do you know who she is?

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Personally, I think he is appeasing you while he moves anything of value OUT of your home.

I would consult an attorney to protect yourself financially.

Have you put a keylogger on the computer to see if you can get more info about an affair? That seems to be what is happening.

Stay in Plan A, and when you have proof, expose them at work. For your marriage to survive, they can't work together anyway, ever again.

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here under these circumstances but you will recieve a wealth of information and support here.

Wow. What an elaborate scheme your husband is pulling. Sounds to me as if he's trying to "clean out" the things that he wants to take with him...

You should talk to an attorney right away. I agree with putting a recorder somewhere in his vehicle. And, keep investigating to get all the proof you can obtain.

Exposure is very important.

This guys seems very mixed up??? He's sending you mixed signals to keep you confused as well. Heck, he's got me confused!!!

Just keep watching and learning and use that information to expose. Protect yourself at all costs and I wouldn't suggest letting your son get involved. I don't think that is a good idea.

I do not know this woman but a year a a half ago, she sent my husband a sexy video which my son found and showed me. We confronted him and found out that she is married.(I don't think she is any longer married) They are not nurses but work in physical plant operations and I have no contact with either of them at work.

RNmom

Im sorry that you find yourself here but if you do have to be in this situation, youve come to the right place.

Your H is almost certainly having an A. What he is doing right now is protecting himself and his A by appearing to be interested in you and your M. He is trying to throw you off track.

I would say a voice activated recorder is not a bad choice. Additionally, if he does use the computer then certainly a keylogger.

Another poster posted this link for cell phone spyware.

cell phone spyware

My H did alot of waffling just prior to d-day. I'll ask him to post to you so you can understand what he was thinking but it may be that your H is playing the fence.

It doesnt sound like the OW is married? If you can hang in there and get a bit more information, then I would absoultely plan a major nuclear exposure in the workplace. If your H and the OW get fired, good. Your M cannot survive continued contact.

Hang in there

RNmom

I have to add that this just reminded me of something...Yes, I am a FWW but when I was having my A, the OM started cleaning out his house too. Getting rid of things and taking things to storage. He said that he needed to get the house "fixed up" because it would not be fair to leave his wife in a house that needed work... It was just an excuse of course but something to buy him time and keep him from really having to make a choice...could this be something that your H may be doing as well?

It sounds like he is confused as to what he really wants to do but certainly sounds as if he's making some kind of preparations.

You do need to find out everything you can about his OW and do exposure. I like to suggest to people that they find a thread under this section by drscott (it's titled something like Hi All, New here--probably on about page 6 or 7 somewhere in this area). He did a major exposure job and handled excellently. He is a dr. and his WW was a nurse and was having an A with someone at work. If you can, find his thread and read over it. It may help you in some way.

He's having an A, but I think you already know that. It will help alot when you get it confirmed.

I also agree about protecting yourself financially...he may have some sort of devious plan, I don't know.

Do a lot of snooping, confirm the A, and then expose it. You are really kind of in limbo until that is done. Read the Spying 101 thread and use some of the advice there.

Keep up on Plan A, that is exactly where you should be right now.

Good job on the GPS, by the way. Keep checking that and try to get some info on those condos to make sure it is where the OW lives.

Welcome to MB, I am sorry you have to be here.

I am so sorry. You must get your facts and do a full exposure at work and to OWH. The tracker gave you the address of the OW. You can do a reverse lookup from the address. You can also see who the owner of the property is through public county property records by address. It may show that she is still married.Ask questions. Lots of questions. I found plenty using the info that my WS gave me during the initial discovery. He will not give you all the details if he is like my WS. You will have to keep digging. If you have the phone number you can find her at anywho.com or intellius.com for a fee if it is a cell phone. I discovered the most damaging information regarding my WS affair from digital recorders in his car and his rolodex at work. Don't tell him how you are getting the information or he will clam up in his car. Show up unannounced wherever he is supposed to be. Be his best friend. Meet him for lunch. If you have something of sentimental value or great monetary value, store it at a friends house without mentioning it. I would consult a lawyer if you are really afraid that he will harm you financially. It is not fun but absolutely necessary. They will be enjoying their dirty little fantasy world until it is brought to the light of day where it will not be as much fun. He still needs you to meet most of his emotional needs or I don't believe that he would have stayed in the marriage. Meet the needs that you can. It will be hard while he is seeing her. You are not alone. Your husband is not unique. Many of us have been where you are now. You are not crazy or suspicious. You will know this soon enough. There will be relief and pain in the truth. Hang in there.

rnmom, your H is definitely having an A. Even though he is been closer to you, it could be a combination of guilt of a wayward or trying to throw you off about the A.

My H took me out more the 2 months before he left than the last year. There was no physical between us but he made me waiver if he was having an A.

When you talked about him cleaning up and painting, my first thought was that your H was trying to get your house ready if it needed to be put up for sale. Have you checked your financial situation at all. Usually with the A, these waywards start to spend money like crazy. Check out his charge card.

Have you checked the address of the condo. Go to whitepages.com and do a reverse lookup by address. If you have the resources hire a PI.

Finally expose to work, family, and friends. If this same woman has been texting him 1.5 years ago this has been going on for awhile and your H is in fog babble land. You need to protect yourself.

rnmom,

This is the thread I was suggesting to you--you may find it of some help on the exposure issue:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2209931#Post2209931

This should be Dr. Scotts thread. Sorry if it doesn't work--I'm not so good at this forum with the different things you can do.

Hope this helps.

Contact HR department.

Inquire about any policy / rules dealing with sexual harassment.
ASK this question:

Would sending a sexy video to another married employee's husband be considered harassment?
FIND out what HR policy is, then post it here.

Don't do anything yet. However, you just might have the goods to get OW in big trouble.

Your advantage is : YOU work there too.
HR rules just might be your ticket.

You should look up 2 things

1. web search "workplace harassment attorney" and add your zip code - you will have an abundance of choices - people to call - ask to assess your case

2. web search "sexual harassment law" and add your state - you will see some details of your state's laws and get a general idea of your parameters

Here is only a little of what I found when I searched my state



Your employer must worry about allowing a hostile workplace environment to continue - FOR YOU !!!
Talk to the head of HR and make a complaint.

YOU are being personally attacked by a fellow employee in a viscious way -

YOUR employer is at risk if they know about it and do nothing to stop it or remedy the ongoing harassment and abuse

GO FOR IT !

Your marriage can only survive if you make the affair so no worth it.

I'd go this route ASAP.

One time a long time ago, I threatened to call HR. He was so furious that he said he would never speak to me again in I did something like that.

They are both in a supervisory capacity but are not in the exact same department although they work on the same floor. He is over her technically as he is a superintendent and she is a supervisor but she does not report to him.

If you make your spouse that furious, does you marriage really have any chance of making it?

NEVER warn the enemy what you might do.

DO IT.
GO TO HR - Your H will NOT leave you for standing up for yourself

He will be ANGRY for the monkey wrench thrown into his adultery

adulterers don't want others to KNOW -

GO TO HR TODAY

RN

These boards are FILLED with stories where the WS threatened the BS that IF they told others about the A, that IF they exposed, they would leave. That they WERE going to try to work it out but now that youve gone and done THIS, they are LEAVING.

Blah blah blah. Not to make light of your fears in any way but its like they ALL read from the same script.

As Pepperband says - your marriage can survive your H's anger. It CANNOT and WILL NOT survive his affair.

Do not WARN your husband. This will give him time to spin the story. Expose to HR, the OW H ( even if divorced) family, friends.

Exposure is RUINOUS to affairs. They thrive on lies and secrecy and most implode after exposure. In my own case, my H's A ended the day I found out.

Stay strong and do this

RN

Your husband is doing the big nasty with another woman - making HIM furious is not going to ruin your chances.

Really - exposure is like daylight to vampires.

Husband to furious to speak to me VS Husband continuing a rotten, deceitful, degrading and immoral affair with another woman

It's a no brainer.

Exposure was the hardest thing for me too, but I did it. I only regret not doing a better job at it.

You can do this. Yes, you can.

RN, I am in the same sitch as you, my H and OW and myself all work for the same company. H is OW's direct report and it is against Company policy.

I have exposed and still waiting for the end result. It is the right thing to do. Did I tell my H -- absolutely not, and maybe he will never know. It is the worst kept secret here and so disrespectful to carry this on while you are an employee also.

Every day I try and hold my head up. I have done nothing wrong to deserve this. But as long as your H and OW are seeing each other your M does not stand a chance. They are feeding their addiction everyday on the job and when they are out of work. If they are accountable at their jobs they will start to love bust - big time.