Hi Tully,

I am fine, i have calmed down now and am able to think a bit clearer. My instincts tell me to keep trying to save my marriage, i have had so many setbacks but i just keep plodding on. Maybe i am deluding myself but i can see a future for us, but its just so hard trying to get through to his hardened heart. Thats amazing your mam was from Louth, I am too!

Thanks for your post, i appreciate your help.

Hi Serpendipitous,

Thank you very much for taking the time to post to me. Your right, he is completely detached from the marriage and its going to be a hard struggle for me to get him on board again.

Sometimes he says things to me and it really amazes me that he would say such a thing or actually believe that i care so little for him. Last night i was telling him about a lady i know who lost her husband about 8 months ago, she had taken to drinking very heavy since his death and had done some liver damage, the docs told her if she didnt give it up then she would be dead in months. she said she didnt want to live without him and wanted to die. He said to me in a sarcastic tone "I bet if i died you would feel like that too, yeah right!" I said back to him that i would be really upset if anything happened to him and i dont know why he would think or say such a thing, he just rolled his eyes and changed the subject.

Its going to take a lot to convince him that i do care about him and that i really regret neglecting him both emotionally and physically for the past 10 years.

I have serious self esteem issues mostly regarding my weight, and i know this is one of my husbands top EN that i look slim but i have failed him on that one so far, but i am determined to get rid of this excess weight this year for me. I withdrew from him sexually because of it, i wouldnt take my clothes off unless the lights were out, i hate to look at myself in the mirror, i dont mind my face its the body i dont like I know that many people will say "if she is that unhappy with her size why doesnt she do something about it"? the answer is I dont know I always get off to a great start and fall off the wagon a few weeks into it. This is a big weakness in my life, i never stick anything set out to do no matter what area of my life it is in whereas my husband is the complete opposite, he follows through on anything he sets his mind too. Maybe its his Army training, he is really disiplined. (Used to be in the Army)

I have been having a tough time grieving for my mother and looking after my dad, many nights after leaving his house i
would cry my eyes out driving home feeling his grief and pain and lonliness, i feel for him so much it tears me up. I go to visit him every day because he is very lonely but he is getting a bit better as time goes by Thank God. I think my husband resents my attention to my dad a little even though he hasnt said it outright, my dad is always buying me little gifts like candle holders and candles etc cos he knows how much i love them. just last week my brother took him to Kilarney for a couple of days and he brought me home two beautiful crystal candle holders made of tipperary crystal (this would only happen in Ireland :RollieEyes:

I am not so upset about the spain thing now, there isint much point as you said he is going to go anyway, now i am looking after me, walking on the beach, eating healthily, and hopefully i will be shedding this weight too.

Thank you so much for the lovely post, you sound really lovely too! you cheered me up today when i read it.

Hi Gabzz, Just checking in on you.
Glad you are doing better.
Let your H go to Spain and try to have a positive attitude. So he goes, it is 5 days. At this point it won't make a difference in your M.
BUT when he is gone put your goals into action. Work on yourself. Buy yourself something nice when he is gone. When he comes back, be nice -- don't drill him, smile, act like it does not bother you. Make him wonder. Right now you need to reach inside of yourself and pull yourself out of the hole you buried yourself in.

It will be a brave new journey for you. One step at a time.

Morning Gabzz,

glad to hear you're feeling a little better. It sounds to me like you now have a plan, and you also have a group of cheerleaders here to support you all the way. Plan Gabzz starts straightaway, and you can come here to let us know how you're doing.

It will take time and effort to convince your H that you love and care for him. There's a lot of neglect on both sides. In the same way that you feel rejected by him, he has probably felt the same of you at some point in recent years. It is hard for men who have never struggled with weight problems to understand the struggle of their wives. Your H especially may have felt rejected by your weight gain. If SF and PA are high up in his EN's, then every pound you gained would have felt like a rejection of him and his needs. Unfortunately, a man who points out to his wife in a negative way that he does not like her weight gain is very likely to leave her feeling humiliated, rejected, unloved and racing for the comfort food. It then becomes a vicious cycle, and there's little chance of SF for a couple in this cycle. The great news is that you have the power to change this dynamic in your relationship.

The walks on the beach will be fantastic for you. Try to fit in at least 30 minutes walking 3-5 times a week. Forgetting totally the weight loss you will definitely achieve, I would for now look at the benefits of the serotonin you will be releasing into your bloodstream from just doing something so simple.

The serotonin will help lift the mild depression you probably carry with you, it will also alleviate stress, and the vitamin D you will get from being outdoors will also make you feel so much better. Starting to feel better will help keep you on the right path when you have a bad day.

I understand the difficulty in not seeing things through. You may have several bad days in a row, feel low and feel that the effort is not worth it. You may eat too much, forget the exercise and then feel even worse about yourself because you've "failed yet again". The next thing is giving up because you never succeed at anything anyway - might as well give up now!

You're not alone in feeling like this you know? I understand completely, believe me! How many people make New Years resolutions to get fit and give up by mid January? We're all here to make sure that doesn't happen, and that you don't give up but keep with plan Gabzz.

Post here if you're feeling low or are having negative thoughts about whether the effort you are making is worth it. The people here will soon sort those feelings out and kick your butt into action.

Do you have a picture of yourself in slimmer days? Dig it out and put in on the fridge or biscuit jar if you think this might motivate you. Or work out whatelse might motivate you - maybe buying a dress you love in a size smaller than you are now. Be realistic in setting your goals, remember "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step".

I promise I'll stick around if you want me to. I'm trying to lose the stone of weight that has crept on recently too, and I'm trying to do it with exercise so we can help each other.

Tell me what you've done today for you and also what you've done for your H?

Lots of love to you.

Hello Hope,

Thanks for checking in on me

I am putting a plan together that will incorporate my weight loss which is my number 1 on the list and then to actively try and deposit as many units as possible into his bank account. (this is going to be hard cos i dont know where to start)

Well i know for sure that admiration and physical attractivness would be his top emotional needs so i hope that by losing this weight it will go some of the way towards meeting those needs.

I am in the middle of reading your sitch and i promise i will post to you soon, thanks so much for caring.

Hi Serp,

Thanks for the really helpful comments, yes definately admiration PA are top of my H ENs and i am going to really do my best to meet this one! I enjoy walking so i am going to aim to walk at least 30-40 mins each day, there is no reason not to do this 5-6 days per week. have done this sun, mon, tue, wed of this week already.

I find if i am feeling low i tend to go for the crisps rather than the biscuits, i love crisps, unfortunately they are high in fat so i tend to go for the lower versions but even still there are 2 or more weight watcher points in a bag, so as its the start of lent today i have decided to give up crisps which will help me no end with the battle of the bulge.

I bought a couple of lovely dresses last year convincing myself that i would fit into them by the summer but it never happened so they are still in the wardrobe waiting for me. I WILL BE WEARING THEM THIS SUMMER!

I know i am really going to have to dig deep within myself to move forward with a plan for my M. I just dont know where to start, i am being nice to him, as much as i can be without it not being believeable to him. As well as that i dont see an awful lot of him, in his time off from work he is always gone from the house doing something or other either getting golf lessons or in the gym or meeting friends or whatever, but he doesnt seem to want to spend much time at home anymore, his calander always seems to be full.

I am a bit of a loner, i dont have any friends as such that i could call on to go to a movie or go out for a drink or something where as my husband has lots of friends so at evenings and weekends i spend my time mostly in the house or maybe if he is free we go to a bar he likes to go to that has live music. I like to potter around doing my own thing, i dont need much company, i spend my time around people at work all day but i wish i had someone who i could go out at nights with even to a movie or for a drink now and again but most of the women i know are married and dont really bother going out unless its with their husbands.

I would love if you would stick around and help me out, that would be fantastic, its finally good to have someone to talk to cos i have bottled up all of my feelings for years regarding my marriage and myself so thanks so much for your help. Ok i am going to list the things i did today for plan Gabzz, didnt do anything to meet my husbands EN cos he is working 24 hours so i didnt see him at all today, i did text him to ask how was he but most times i just get an answer of either Ok, Fine, Thanks or somthing like that.

1 Walked for 40 minutes around the town.

2 Kept to my WW Plan

Talk soon

Just Journaling tonight,
I am finding it a bit awkward to say nice things to my H, not that i dont want to say them I DO just that so much negativity has gone on for so long its gonna be hard for him to believe any of it. Anyway i did try and do and say a few nice things today and here they are.

1 Picked him up a few beers whilst doing my shopping

2 made him a nice dinner, he said it was lovely and thanked me for it.

3 listned to him venting about his work, validated what he said and told him they should count themselves lucky to have him cos he was doing a great job.

4 Watching a weight loss programme with H and D and we got talking about how my H never puts on any weight, i told my daughter that when i met him he did have some excess weight on but that i thought he was so handsome, and i looked over at him and i said and you know what,I think you still are. (he just said yeah right!)

All day no LBs or DJs

Walked 50 minutes today and kept to my weight loss programme too.

Hi Gabzz, you had a stellar day. Why are you second guessing yourself. Don't push too much and try to be as natural as possible. i have also been learning that I do not have to fake conversations or talk necessarily, sometimes it is just enough to "say nothing".

I think you said some things that H wanted to hear. You have to understand that things will not change overnight. Get that movie Fireproof you had asked about. At the beginning the husband kept trying to do nice things everyday for the wife and she kept putting him down. It takes time. How long did it take you to get like this. One day at a time.

Great job walking also. that is for YOU. Do you like to try a new hobby? I think that would help you to get out of the house. Good luck. Stay strong.

I agree with Hope. That's a great day!
Things are not going to change overnight - this is going to take months. Pace yourself

Hi turtlehead,

Thanks for your words of wisdom, I am in this for the long haul even though you wouldnt think that by last weeks posts from me

I am just gonna cut out all the crap and be nice to him in general, no LB or DJs and hopefully things will improve in time. I am so glad i found this board, just to be able to say how i feel and to ask for advice, its fantastic. Thanks

Gabzz, thanks for stopping by my sitch. Tough time but I am hanging tight. I have been doing serious inventory about the problems in the M and I know it will take H a long time to see any changes (if ever) in me. But for my own sanity I am working on myself (inside and out) one day at a time.

Glad you are walking. Now that the weather is getting nice here I will be walking the beach at night. Nothing is more fantastic than putting your feet in the surf. Some nights I find peace, some nights I cry, some nights I just be, but it does help you feel better at the end mentally and physically.

You have an advantage of your H being in the house. Maybe right now it does not feel like that but it helps. Just try each day to interact in a positive way -- if he likes the house clean -- clean like a madwoman, if he likes a certain dinner - make it, but do not point it out, just do it in a quiet way and he will start to notice and at some point his heart will start to soften.

Keep up the good work.

This place is great to vent. There are sooo many times I want to lash out at H and come here instead. It is a life saver.

Morning Hope,

Well its 10am here, im not sure of the time difference. You are right, i am getting myself into knots thinking of things to say to him that are nice, but now i get it! its ok to just let it be, to just interact with him in a positive way and if the opportunity presents itself then i will say something complimentary

Normally when he has his hair cut he gets it really tight, i think its a number 3 or something and i have always told him that it is too severe on him. Well yesterday he came home with the hair cut and he asked me what did i think of it, i said it was a lovely haircut, that i really liked it, and he looked very well. He told me that he had gotten a number 4 (less severe) the last couple of times and he was going to stick to that one. is this progress? is he trying to impress me?

Yesterday went ok i suppose, not much opportunity to meet his EN, here is how it went.
1 Told him his hair looked really nice.
2 Asked him how his golf lessons went and gave him encouragement
3 Asked him about his day and listned to him venting
4 Walked for 50 minutes
4 Kept to my Weight loss plan

It bugs me a bit that he never bothers to ask me about my day at work

I will post to you regarding your sitch over on your post.

Take care of yourself and thanks for your help.

xxx

Hi Gabzz because these waywards are so into themselves, they won't look our way unless we show them that we are different. I remember losing 15 pounds - H said nothing, 20 pounds - nothing, 30 pounds - he finally looked at me at a meeting and said you lost alot of weight. Now I have to get back on track because I know this is something that makes a difference.

With the D proceedings going on I need to be pro-active. Keep up what you are doing. One of your main challenges will be when H goes to Spain. When is that supposed to be. Your goal is when he brings it up -- you say either nothing or anything negative. Remember it is only 5 days but it will LB for a long time the way you handle it. Good luck

Morning Hope,

He is heading to Spain on March 28th, i only know this because we went out for a drink last night and at the end of the night as we were leaving and a man sitting next to us asked him if he was looking forward to his golf trip, he said yes he was, it would be great craic with all the lads, but that all he would be doing would be caddying for the other lads as he is only learning to play golf. I could feel myself getting upset but i pushed the feelings aside and acted as if i hadnt heard the conversation. I was totally normal to him and i felt good about that afterwards.

I know in my heart if i had to have said anything to him about it there would have been war between us. He was full of guinness and i was the designated driver so i am glad about that, i was able to keep my cool and the night ended nicely. I am not stressing about him going to spain at the moment, i am trying to concentrate on making changes to myself and to deposit as many units as possible in a natural way. He hasnt actually told me when he is going and i dont know if i should say anything about it or just say nothing.

When I met him first, he would tell me he loved my happy nature and my sense of humour and my attitude to life in general. I am a very easy going person by nature, nothing phases me too much and this made him smile, whenever i would do something spontaneous he would smile and say You just dont give a s*** do you I need to bring this side of me back to the forefront again. Here is what i did today to achieve my goals:

1 Told him he was looking very muscular, that i could really see the benefits of all his weight training.

2 Told him that he could do anything he set his mind to (he was trying to do a bit of diy ) Im a terrible liar

3 Didnt react in a negative way when i overheard him saying what date he is going to spain (pretended i didnt hear and in doing so i just acted normally, just kept saying to myself, "keep your mouth shut, the consequences are not worth it"

4 Walked for 40 minutes today and kept to the weight loss programme. Going to weigh myself next sat 7th to see how i am getting on.

Thanks for stopping by Hope, i will drop over to your post for a chat later. Take Care

What's the chances that the whole family goes to Spain. Can the family afford it?

Imagine,

Thanks for your post, unfortunately we are not invited even if we could afford it, its a men only golf outing, there are 16 of them going to Murcia in spain, apparantly its an annual thing and now my H has jumped on the band wagon.

Good Morning,

Just journaling today.

went to the beach for a lovely long walk it was just beautiful, there is nothing like walking along the waters edge and listning to the sound of the water its pure heaven.


Watched the movie Fireproof, enjoyed it, kinda reminded me of my own sitch a bit but the difference is that at least the two characters were angry with each other, there was some kind of emotion be it good or bad but in my H case he just seems disinterested and aloof most of the time which i have read somewhere is the same as apathy and this is not good.

He talks to me all of the time about different things but its never about anything lighthearted, he never laughs with me or lets his guard drop at all, he wont even make eye contact with me when he speaks to me unless he has too.

Well i did try to meet his EN today in some form or other, so here is what i did.

Went back to the time of the first few years of our marriage and there was a recession on around that time too, reminded him about how we struggled to pay the mortgage, bills etc and our son was on the way as well and i said to him.
"Even though you had to hold down a full time job that didnt pay so much then, you always managed to provide for us and we never ever were short for anything, if things were particularly tough you went and got extra work somewhere else, and you never complained about it, you are a great provider and i really admire you for that".

Took a bit of advice from Hope and cleaned like a madwoman too, H likes to see the house clean and tidy,

Got a few beers for him last night

Walked today for 50 mins and kept to my weight loss programme


Made him dinner,

No DJs or LBs

Gabzz,you are doing well, at the beginning it feels forced but after awhile you get used to being "nice again". Your biggest hurdle will be the trip to spain. Your H is not bringing it up because he is expecting a negative response from you.

When he is finally forced to bring it up, try and be casual, ask what he is packing? Is he golfing? Try to be calm, if he brings up how you made a stink about him going, turn it around. Say I know you are going, which we were going but will make the best of it and make some plans for myself. Walk out of the room. Take his thunder away.

Enjoy your walks. When do you weigh yourself? REmember you are a Goddess!

Today was a little sad for me. We responded to H's D papers. Just charged him with adultery and nothing else. See what he does next.

Morning Hope,

I am getting my head around the trip now i think, i was thinking of saying something to him when the time is right what do you think? Maybe something like this:

"H, i know you are heading off on the trip on the 28th and i just wanted to say that i shouldnt have said what i did to you, i had no right to say that. I know that you work hard for our family and the break would do you good, i am not saying i am happy about you going because i am not but i know i cannot stop you doing what you want to do. I hope you have a good time."

I was thinking if i say this it might deposit a few credits for me? He definately wont be expecting this for sure! The way i see it Hope is if he is planning on having a fling with someone else, he doesnt have to go to spain to do it, he could just as easily do it here so there is no point in me getting myself worked up about it, its out of my hands.

I know he thinks i am controlling and always watching his every move, he has said it to me in the past in the heat of the moment. Only last week i was in the local pharmacy and the lady told me that my husband had been in just ten mins earlier, so when i went home i said to him that i had just missed him, he said to me "God i cannot go anywhere and you have your spies out watching me" Of course i lost it and said, what the hell do you mean by that, you are not that important! to which he replied, well i think i am.

Didnt do much to meet his EN today, i only saw him for 1 hour and i asked him how his golf lesson went, he said it was ok but that if he didnt get any better soon he was going to pack it in. I said to him that he always sticks to anything he commits himself to, that i admired that about him and that he will improve if he gives himself some time.

Went for 40mins walk today and kept to the weight loss programme.

No LBs or DJs

Last time i weighed myself Hope was last sat and i was 15stone and 6lbs so i will weigh myself on sat coming 7th. This time last year i weighed 16 stone 10 and a half pounds so its not so bad that i have lost 18 and a half pounds since then. Problem is i am really tiny so every pound shows up even more, i am only 5foot 1 and that is on my tippy toes

Hi Gabzz,

I'm so sorry I haven't been around for a few days. Our Internet Service Provider went belly up last week, so no connection and we have had to wait for BT to reconnect us. Very frustrating.

You are doing soooo great. Well done! Remember not to get frustrated by any apparent lack of progress - this is going to take a while, but I think you are seeing something positive from him in a few things he is saying and/or doing.

Are you emjoying the walking? How about a pedometer so that you can start monitoring your progress? It might help to keep you motivated. I read somewhere that it can take around 40 days to start to see real body changes, ie toning and firming, so don't start to get disillusioned if results don't come quickly. This is a long term thing also. This time you're losing the weight and getting fit for life, just as you are changing your marriage for life.

I have an idea about the golf trip that will help you to meet his EN's whilst he is all those miles away and will also keep you in his mind. Will you be helping him with getting his things ready or with his packing? If you can, you could write him little notes and leave them in different items in his clothing and luggage - love notes, jokes, silly golf tips/anecdotes, song lyrics - anything that you think he might appreciate. Leave them in various items so that he will find them at different times during his trip. Maybe a picture of you and the kids holding a big sign saying "Miss you Dad" placed somewhere in there for him to find.

If that seems too contrived, how about you preparing a funny pack of items that he might need but would never think of taking - blister pads, muscle soak, joke golf socks, hangover cure, you get the idea. Put them in his case without telling him, with a note, and when he opens them, he'll love your thoughtfulness.

Keep up the great work. You really are doing brilliantly.