I don't have a problem with this at all and will do this to help him. What do I do when he rolls his eyes and gives me the exacerbated sigh because I'm offering proof of who is on the phone? He does this when I offer receipts, text messages, or any oher proof of where I've been or verification.

We're Christians, too. How is that relevant?

You need to read up on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Your husband has suffered a trauma that will take years to recover from.

Learn about PTSD triggers.

During our counseling with Jennifer, my FWS was told to put his taker away and nurse me back to health.

Your job is to learn how to nurse your BH back to health.

Your posts are still all about you and what you want and what you need, Sparkle.

Turn your focus COMPLETELY on helping your husband HEAL. Stop focusing on, "If I do this, he should do that." He may not be capable of "that" yet.


P.S. Since you are a Christian, consider looking for all the many ways you can serve your husband without expecting anything in return.

You tell him that you are going to keep offering the proof until or unless he tells you he doesn't need it any more.

Are the eye rolls because he thinks you're putting on a show for him to show how much he should trust you? Because he's tired of being barraged with your proof? Because he doesn't think it does any good because if the OM wants to reach you he certainly can through other means?

Next time, calmly ask your H about it. Say, "When I got that call just now from Mom and let you know it was her, you rolled your eyes and said, 'Whatever'. Do you not want to know with whom I'm speaking?" See what he says and then do whatever he asks.

I really am trying and am reading in my Life Recovery bible quite a bit today. Right now, I'm reading Jonah and asking for God to remove my character defects. I will serve my Creator first and then my BH.

I feel very lonely at home except with the kids and the pets. Even through this, I don't have the desire to go back to someone else. I just wish that we had never done what we did. There are times where our DS1 will talk about when H's xMOW lived in our home and cooked wonderful breakfasts and took them out horseback riding and I just have to swallow it and smile while I listen. It's a vaild memory for him and I can't tell him never to talk about it.

The eye rolls are coming because he knows that you are doing things with the motive of, "Look at how transparent I'm being, you can trust me now".

Your actions are not actions that demonstrate protection, they are actions that demonstrate that you want something from him.

You WANT/EXPECT him to trust YOU.
You WANT/EXPECT him to forgive YOU.

You still have selfish motives of whats in this for YOU. And he knows it. That's the main reason he rolls the eyeballs.

My bet is he doesn't see genuine changes in you that demonstrates a complete surrender of your old lifestyle. Just like staying at the store longer than you needed. Or, that you didn't think to take one of your kids with you, and he had to watch out for them instead. He shouldn't call what you've been doing as change, you are really just putting a good coat of varnish on for him to see.

Have you picked up the book Surviving An Affair and His Needs, Her Needs yet?

These two books will help you get a handle on why he is rolling his eyeballs at you over and over again. They aren't for leisure reading, you need to study them again and again.

MS, I want to see you succeed, but you MUST do the HARD WORK associated with recovery, and honestly I don't think you're doing that yet.

This is going to require ALL OUT EFFERT for several years and a lifetime committment to maintaining all the changes you make for your marriage to even have a snowballs chance in he!! of recovering.

I am completely sincere and calm when I offer things to him. Not at all sarcastic or obnoxious about it at all. So I'm not sure why he rolls his eyes. It really bothers me when he does though because it's almost as if he wants to know but doesn't want to know. I think he would be more comfortable doing it without me knowing (which is also fine). I'll keep offering no matter what and see if it helps.

As a parent though, him rolling his eyes and giving me attitude in front of the boys when I ask for help isn't being a healthy roll model for them.

I went back and read your first post again.

If I understand correctly, you have had 3 affairs and your husband had an affair that included living with OW in your home with your children.

Is that correct?

Now, you want to recover this marriage (that you pretty much never invested in) and your husband isn't leaving but is not interested in working much of a recovery.

There is a lot of damage here....HUGE. You are a serial cheater and must start putting EXTRAORDINARY precautions in place and learn how to have healthy boundaries that protect your husband and your marriage.

Are you willing to fight for your marriage, even if your husband stays in withdrawal for several months(3 states of intimacy that Dr. Harley talks about, not the withdrawal from an AP)?

Why are you reading Jonah? Talk about depressing. Selfish man that in the end still never submitted to the will of God!

You can better serve your creator by doing what he has called you to do - Be a Godly Wife! Start by studying All the MB books and information that will prepare you to LIVE this calling.

The lifestyle that I was leading while I was having my affair was completely different than what you hear about now. During the affair, I didn't care about anything at home. Laundry would pile up, the house was a mess and the bills were late. I'm back now doing things I did pre-A. The house is spotless, the bills are in order again and I'm having forethought on things going on at home rather than just staying in bed as late as possible so I didn't have to face the day or my H. It's very hard to "see" progress here without actually knowing the individuals personally.

I haven't gotten "Surviving the Affair" but I have "His Needs Her Needs" on order. He will not read books, but I do. I will start this one after I finish "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene.

He says he's forgiven me (I have to trust that he has) and yes, I want him to trust me but I certainly don't expect him to.

I really didn't want to go to the store yesterday, but we needed things for the week. I'm actually not comfortable going anywhere because when I come home and offer proof, he gets apathetic. It makes me cry inside with frustration but I keep pressing on in the right direction.

As a Christian, there is no other choice.

Remember you can pick up Dr. H's books from the library if money is an issue.

It looks like you enjoy reading. The majority of the men I know do not. Don't take it personal if your H doesn't want to read books. I would suggest you ask him if he would listen to the MB book HNHN on CD. See if that might help him. Dunno!
Personally, I like to listen to books on CD while working or driving to and from work or at night when I can't sleep. I also enjoy reading/studying books, but it's not always as easy to fit that into the schedule.

I can see from your book choice that you have issues going on with your kids, and that you are activly seeking solutions. That's a good thing. I would like to suggest a thought to you about your kids. Please know I say this with tenderness. Your marriage and all the destruction that occured has impacted the kids deeply. They have seen and lived much pain and confusion. Placing your marriage, and its recovery as the number one priority will help to gradually restore some harmony back into your family. I'm talking after a year or two of serious marital work and effort.

MB is the best process of recovering after infidelity that I know of. It will work for you too if you'll do it!

Do you think the phone bothers him so much not just bc its a trigger with the OM but also bc he is a bit jealous of the time you devote to your friends? Do you talk on the phone for long periods of time while your H is home? If so do you think that's fair?

Thank you for your kindness, tst. I'm not an avid reader but have been doing much more lately with the issues that are going on in our family. DS1 has been in counseling for just shy of 4 years and was assesed with having ADD yesterday. His pediatrician put him on Concerta. I started him on it today and am a ball of nerves because I'm not there to see how it affects him. Not a happy mom right now. I know that the problems between Spartan and I have placed our family in crisis mode, but we're slowly getting it together. We've all been through so much ugliness.

We have a beautiful library in town that I'll go to this weekend because yes, money is an issue right now. I just took a hardship withdrawl from my 401K to keep us afloat.

Hi Upside Down:

He and I talked about this last night and it isn't the time so much that I spend on the phone but rather the texts that get to him. I got a couple of calls last night (one from my girlfriend and one from my mum) and I said "Hey ____" when I answered the phone. It made him feel a bit better. When I get texts, he knows who they're from and what they say. I don't delete any of them and I encourage him to read them at any time. Normally, he doesn't but the opportunity is there for him.

Hey, Sparkarooni. Just saying hi. I'm reading, following along, and sending my good ju-ju your way.

It's apparant you have a lot on your plate. You're helping your son, your H, your family... And that's right. Among everything else, please also do not neglect yourself. Eat right. Excercise. Sleep. Allow for quiet time to meditate, reflect, and/or pray. I know it's easier said then done. But please take it to heart. You need to be healthy spiritually, emotionally, and physically so you can help your H heal and so you can better take care of those around you.

You're in my thoughts.

Take care.

women are from venus, men are from mars

"I got a couple of calls last night (one from my girlfriend and one from my mum) and I said "Hey ____" when I answered the phone. It made him feel a bit better."

MS, as a man I knew this would make your BH happy. That's why I kept pushing it with you.

I appreciate that, dear. I need as much good juju as can come our way! I've got other issues going on that are TMI for here but if you want to PM me here, that would be nice.

Sparkle,

I think that you are doing fine. Keep trusting God and be SURE that you are seeking His wisdom.

Wanted to share a verse or two is that's OK.

Isaiah 55
8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,"
declares the LORD.

9 "As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Awww thank you, KM. I needed those scriptures today!

Brought my bible with me today along with my Life Recovery workbook (based on the 12 step program). It's slow here at work right now so I will use that opportunity to pray, write, and read in that order.

Got some Christian rock going on the iPod today to keep me focused in the right direction.

Just want to say I love you my queen.